Gabby Petito

[DLgal]

I agree with everything you said. I also agree that part of the problem is, even if the police had correctly identified her as a victim of domestic abuse… then what? Say one of them had pulled her aside and said, “Hey Gabby, we know he’s abusing you and we can take you out of here right now,” where would that leave her? She would be thinking okay, can I afford a flight home? Well, it’s my van, so unless I’m going to abandon it, he’s the one who needs to get the flight home. But then I’m stuck driving across the country by myself. All my things are in his parents’ house because that’s where I live and he’ll be waiting for me when I get there. He knows where I work so I’ll have to quit my job. I probably can’t afford to live on my own anyway so I’ll have to move back with my parents in NY. Of course, he knows exactly where to find me there and then I’m bringing that drama to their door where my five younger siblings will witness it and if he does show up there in one of his rages, will someone in my family try to get involved and then get hurt?

There’s a lot to sort out when trying to get out of an abusive situation and it can’t be figured out during a police stop on the side of the road. It’s a much longer process that involves first recognizing you’re in an abusive relationship, finding the courage to break away, then laying the groundwork for an exit. Police can’t fix these problems in 60 minutes even if they recognized it and wanted to and that’s why I wish there were better services in place for handling these things.

She was quick to call her mom, though, while she was still in the police car. I mean, if you REALLY think you're in danger and want out, all that other stuff doesn't matter. You leave your things behind. You go somewhere safe, period. You start over. She was 22. She didn't have any strings, really. I'm sure her 4 loving parents would have flown her home, no questions asked. Or they would have flown out there to get her, bring her home and make sure she is safe. Im guessing her 2 dads would have made sure Brian knew, in no uncertain terms, to stay away from their daughter. I can see how these situations can be complicated when the victim has no support system, maybe has kids in the mix, is financially dependent on their abuser, etc. But this girl COULD have told that cop "listen, he's abusing me, it's getting worse and I'm scared. Please help me." And they would have. It's just so sad to me to see women not ask for help when it's right there.

 

[DLgal]

That is not the norm.

It might not be the norm, but I've known a few couples like this. They all went on to have really nasty divorces. It does happen that both parties abuse each other equally.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

She was quick to call her mom, though, while she was still in the police car. I mean, if you REALLY think you're in danger and want out, all that other stuff doesn't matter. You leave your things behind. You go somewhere safe, period. You start over. She was 22. She didn't have any strings, really. I'm sure her 4 loving parents would have flown her home, no questions asked. Or they would have flown out there to get her, bring her home and make sure she is safe. Im guessing her 2 dads would have made sure Brian knew, in no uncertain terms, to stay away from their daughter. I can see how these situations can be complicated when the victim has no support system, maybe has kids in the mix, is financially dependent on their abuser, etc. But this girl COULD have told that cop "listen, he's abusing me, it's getting worse and I'm scared. Please help me." And they would have. It's just so sad to me to see women not ask for help when it's right there.

But it could also just be her maturity level or her age or that they were high school sweethearts (so longevity, history together, etc) or combination of that or something else. We do usually take into consideration pets, children, support system, financial stability, lifestyle, etc when talking about abuse victims getting out of their situation but other parts can come into play so I'm not quite certain I could just pin this on she had a chance and failed to take it.

 

[luvsvacation]

When he says in the video that he doesn’t have a phone I took that to mean he didn’t have one on him at that moment, like in his pocket. I don’t see that as a lie, he clearly wasn’t trying to hide the fact that he owned a phone later. I think that part was just a plain misunderstanding. Not that I’m defending his guy at all, but I wouldn’t read too much into the not having a phone comment.

 

[mom2rtk]

She was quick to call her mom, though, while she was still in the police car. I mean, if you REALLY think you're in danger and want out, all that other stuff doesn't matter. You leave your things behind. You go somewhere safe, period. You start over. She was 22. She didn't have any strings, really. I'm sure her 4 loving parents would have flown her home, no questions asked. Or they would have flown out there to get her, bring her home and make sure she is safe. Im guessing her 2 dads would have made sure Brian knew, in no uncertain terms, to stay away from their daughter. I can see how these situations can be complicated when the victim has no support system, maybe has kids in the mix, is financially dependent on their abuser, etc. But this girl COULD have told that cop "listen, he's abusing me, it's getting worse and I'm scared. Please help me." And they would have. It's just so sad to me to see women not ask for help when it's right there.

Maybe she didn't get the memo on how she *should* act. You see 22 and think, ok, she doesn't have strings so she should be able to walk. I see 22 and think, dang that's really young and I'm not sure she would have the strength of maturity to walk. Maybe she was embarrassed. Maybe her mother had been telling her for some time that she didn't like him and she didn't want to admit she was right. There's so much we don't know.

 

[Marrila]

Maybe she didn't get the memo on how she *should* act. You see 22 and think, ok, she doesn't have strings so she should be able to walk. I see 22 and think, dang that's really young and I'm not sure she would have the strength of maturity to walk. Maybe she was embarrassed. Maybe her mother had been telling her for some time that she didn't like him and she didn't want to admit she was right. There's so much we don't know.

This.
There are many, many stories of women who took a long time to come to terms with being battered (and the shame of it), making a plan to leave and then doing that.
(Disclaimer...yes I know we aren't 100% certain she was a battered woman. But just in general it's not overly surprising she didn't do all the "right" things in the moment.)

 

[DLgal]

But it could also just be her maturity level or her age or that they were high school sweethearts (so longevity, history together, etc) or combination of that or something else. We do usually take into consideration pets, children, support system, financial stability, lifestyle, etc when talking about abuse victims getting out of their situation but other parts can come into play so I'm not quite certain I could just pin this on she had a chance and failed to take it.

They were not high school sweethearts. They attended the same high school but only started dating a bit over 2 years ago.

 

[mjkacmom]

This.
There are many, many stories of women who took a long time to come to terms with being battered (and the shame of it), making a plan to leave and then doing that.
(Disclaimer...yes I know we aren't 100% certain she was a battered woman. But just in general it's not overly surprising she didn't do all the "right" things in the moment.)

We aren’t 10% sure she was a battered woman.

 

[Sinder]

Maybe she didn't get the memo on how she *should* act. You see 22 and think, ok, she doesn't have strings so she should be able to walk. I see 22 and think, dang that's really young and I'm not sure she would have the strength of maturity to walk. Maybe she was embarrassed. Maybe her mother had been telling her for some time that she didn't like him and she didn't want to admit she was right. There's so much we don't know.

Exactly, we don't know anything.

This.
There are many, many stories of women who took a long time to come to terms with being battered (and the shame of it), making a plan to leave and then doing that.
(Disclaimer...yes I know we aren't 100% certain she was a battered woman. But just in general it's not overly surprising she didn't do all the "right" things in the moment.)

Or she just didn't want to leave him, and not because she was being abused and didn't do the right thing.

They were not high school sweethearts. They attended the same high school but only started dating a bit over 2 years ago.

They did date in HS, but broke up when he graduated and then got back together.

 

[Skywalker]

Is it odd for him and his parents to go camping for 3 days when his fiance was missing? Yes. Is that how a normal fiance & fiance's parents would probably act knowing that the love of your son's life was missing and nowhere to be found? No.

Just want to say in regards to your comment above, it stood out to me because I could absolutely see my in-laws doing that. They are very nature, outdoors types, in that they find peace out there. After a family tragedy they did in fact go camping for a few days, and it wasn't hey lets swim and hike and have a good old time, it was more like a solemn, reflective thing. But that was the place they felt peace.

I know we all judge others based on our own experiences, or what we think we would do in similar circumstances, or how our minds would work.

 

[DLgal]

Maybe she didn't get the memo on how she *should* act. You see 22 and think, ok, she doesn't have strings so she should be able to walk. I see 22 and think, dang that's really young and I'm not sure she would have the strength of maturity to walk. Maybe she was embarrassed. Maybe her mother had been telling her for some time that she didn't like him and she didn't want to admit she was right. There's so much we don't know.

I guess. At 22 I was married and we were on our own. I didn't feel young at all. But I know everyone is different. I have a very immature 17 year old who is more like a 12 year old, because he has ADHD and Autism.

I think if these 2 were that immature, they had no business living together nor being on this road trip. Just a bad idea all around.

 

[Marrila]

We aren’t 10% sure she was a battered woman.

Sigh.
I posted my thoughts. She's dead and it appeared to me she was in a very concerning relationship.
And I did add a disclaimer.

 

[DLgal]

They did date in HS, but broke up when he graduated and then got back together.

I didn’t see that anywhere. But, to me, that's not "high school sweethearts." I always understood that term to mean couples who got together in high school and had a long term relationship during those years that continued afterwards. Maybe I've misunderstood it the whole time.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think if these 2 were that immature, they had no business living together nor being on this road trip. Just a bad idea all around.

That's one of the more "people agree on" viewpoints I think.

 

[tzolkin]

That's actually been the strangest thing for me is that he hasn't spoken because I'm more used to the Scott Peterson's of the world finding all sorts of ways to hide what they've done. Brian has not attempted to do that. He fled yes but he didn't behave like other ones have.

I have also found that odd. And I agree that makes me think it wasn't some pre-planned murder that he orchestrated.

That said, even if it was a traumatizing accident and he came home and wouldn't speak initially because he was in shock, I think it's a really awful thing to refuse to give any information days/weeks later while her family is desperately searching and trying to find her body and/or what happened to her.

Didnt she hit him with her phone?
If the answer is yes then taking her phone and keeping it from her is a reasonable response.
I thought he had grabbed her and shoved her as a response to her hitting him?
Is that not correct?
Is that the caller could have witnessed?

We simply don't know if that's correct. That's why people are debating and speculating for the last 59 pages.

I mean, if you REALLY think you're in danger and want out, all that other stuff doesn't matter. You leave your things behind. You go somewhere safe, period. You start over. She was 22. She didn't have any strings, really. I'm sure her 4 loving parents would have flown her home, no questions asked. Or they would have flown out there to get her, bring her home and make sure she is safe. Im guessing her 2 dads would have made sure Brian knew, in no uncertain terms, to stay away from their daughter. I can see how these situations can be complicated when the victim has no support system, maybe has kids in the mix, is financially dependent on their abuser, etc. But this girl COULD have told that cop "listen, he's abusing me, it's getting worse and I'm scared. Please help me." And they would have. It's just so sad to me to see women not ask for help when it's right there.

I know several people who have been in abusive relationships (both physically and psychologically) with none of the typical things holding them there (isolation, financial dependence, etc). I think to the average person it makes absolutely no sense why they would stay when they have repeated opportunities to leave, but for the victim there must be something they feel is holding them even if it's psychological or emotional and therefore not visible to others.
(Again, I am not saying this particular relationship was abusive. I really have no idea on that. Just responding in more general terms.)

 

[mjkacmom]

Sigh.
I posted my thoughts. She's dead and it appeared to me she was in a very concerning relationship.
And I did add a disclaimer.

Sigh
Yes, she’s dead, and I don’t see a lot of evidence that their relationship was that concerning.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I didn’t see that anywhere. But, to me, that's not "high school sweethearts." I always understood that term to mean couples who got together in high school and had a long term relationship during those years that continued afterwards. Maybe I've misunderstood it the whole time.

IME typically high school sweethearts is just a term to mean you dated in high school (usually said in a fond reflective type way though). Sometimes that means you stuck together when you graduated, married and all and sometimes that means you parted ways. My father-in-law and his present wife were high school sweethearts but she moved away to England just prior to graduation. It was something like 30 years (I think don't quote me on that) later that they reconnected and have since gotten married to each other and she moved from the STL area to our area. She's a widow and he had been divorced now twice in between the time they dated and reconnected.

 

[Marrila]

IME typically high school sweethearts is just a term to mean you dated in high school (usually said in a fond reflective type way though). Sometimes that means you stuck together when you graduated, married and all and sometimes that means you parted ways. My father-in-law and his present wife were high school sweethearts but she moved away to England just prior to graduation. It was something like 30 years (I think don't quote me on that) later that they reconnected and have since gotten married to each other and she moved from the STL area to our area. She's a widow and he had been divorced now twice in between the time they dated and reconnected.

I think it's lovely they reconnected. Nice story.

 

[DLgal]

Sigh
Yes, she’s dead, and I don’t see a lot of evidence that their relationship was that concerning.

Perhaps interestingly (perhaps not) the one person claiming all these relationship "red flags" is that "best friend" Rose. Rose has a VERY sordid past with hard drug use, arrests, and some very questionable social media posts around the end of August. She admits to being bipolar as well. I find it curious that Rose has been the ONLY person to paint Brian as an abuser. And that's all I'll say about that.

Clearly Brian is no angel, whether he was responsible for Gabby's death or not, based on his behavior since coming home, but there is more going on here than any of us know yet.

 

[tzolkin]

But, to me, that's not "high school sweethearts." I always understood that term to mean couples who got together in high school and had a long term relationship during those years that continued afterwards. Maybe I've misunderstood it the whole time.

I think it is used the way you do, but can mean both. I have heard people many times refer to an old "high school sweetheart" meaning someone they dated during high school (but then went on to marry someone else). Typically even when being used to describe the relationship you're talking about people will say "I married my high school sweetheart". If "high school sweetheart" automatically means that you had married a person you dated in high school I think phrasing it that way would be redundant.

I also know a few people who dated in high school, moved away and lived separate lives, and then later reconnected and married. They will say they married their high school sweetheart, but the relationship was not continuous.