Funeral planning

[mom2rtk]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Colleen.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm so sorry Colleen As everyone else said, the church and funeral home will walk you through everything. It helps to have another person or two (family if possible) to go with you for all the planning. You'll likely have some questions to answer and decisions to make. Having some familiar support will be helpful. Try to hang in there.

Grace and Peace, Colleen - this is a great loss.

Micca's advice here is excellent. Make sure others are present to be extra eyes-and-ears and to bring forward any questions/details you may blank on, in the moment. Be easy with yourself if you can - this is an almost-impossible time to think with total clarity.

 

[Dan Murphy]

It helps to have another person or two (family if possible) to go with you for all the planning.

Additionally, good to write your thoughts down as they come to you so you or others do not forget questions or thoughts you previously had prior to church/funeral home visits.

 

[johnsontrio]

Sorry for your loss. DH’s brother passed from pancreatic cancer before the age of 50 and left a 9 year old and wife. Brutal disease.

If you’re planning on a long visitation at the funeral home, be sure to have someone bring sandwiches, drinks etc so that your family can stay hydrated and eat. You will have tons of people asking what they can do, this is something you can delegate to friends.

Be sure and get to your florist to order floral that you think is appropriate. Usually what you order through the funeral home is uninspired, overpriced and not fitting the departed.

We are in MI as well and there should be halls or restaurants that provide funeral luncheons at a reduced rate and do a good job. It’s usually a similar menu to banquets or weddings but at a much reduced cost.

You may want to put together photo boards for display at the funeral home and the luncheon. Again, you could do this with just your family or could have a close friend or two help you with this.

You may want to put together a program to hand out at the Mass. Office stores or Amazon will have suitable paper they can be copied on with funeral motifs.

The funeral home process is easy but be aware of all the up selling they might attempt. Don’t be swayed from what her wishes were, it’s not “your last gift” to your Mom. No reason to overspend on a vault etc...

Good luck to you, it’s so hard losing our parents. We’ve lost 3 in the last 4 years.

 

[mumto3girls]

I am sorry for your loss. My mom passed in August and I know that it’s a lot to deal with.

We had a luncheon at a restaurant after the funeral.
On the day of the viewing we had catered food at a room in the funeral home for people who were staying for both sessions of the viewing.

People will offer to help. Let them. They want to feel useful and helpful and you can attend to yourself and your children.

 

[fla4fun]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Be kind to yourself and don’t stress over the little things. We had help from the funeral home and church, and to be honest, I couldn’t tell you if everything was perfect. I only know there weren’t any major mishaps. If people around you want to help, let them take some of the work off your shoulders. No one will think less of you. You are grieving and no one is expecting you to be at the top of your game right now. If there are things you know you want a certain way, say so. For example, we asked that no one wear black to the funeral as my mom liked bright colors. No one was offended and everyone did as we asked. We did not do a luncheon, as the funeral group was only about a dozen people, so we went to a restaurant near the cemetery and people went home from there (some were from out of town).

 

[Kitty 34]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mother, Colleen. Hopefully the planning will go as smoothly as it can.

 

[sheilafri]

I, too, am sorry for your loss. Rest assured that the funeral home director will walk you through every step that needs to be taken on their end. Likewise, your parish priest and church ladies will guide you through those steps. Finally, look on this planning as a gift of love that you give to your mother. She may not be able to thank you but in future years it can comfort you that you were able to contribute to saying goodbye to your mother with love and care.

 

[lynxstch]

 

[Snowysmom]

So sorry for the loss of your mother. It is hard to lose a parent.

I think once you meet with the funeral home, you will feel better

I can't really help here, just wanted to leave my sympathies.

I agree with this. When my DH passed away the funeral home was so helpful with any questions or concerns. My DSs and I arranged the funeral lunch as there was a nice restaurant right nearby and they were very helpful. Just take it one step at a time and things will fall into place.

 

[Colleen27]

Thank you to everyone who has offered condolences and reassurance that the process won't be as daunting as it seems right now once I can actually talk to someone from the funeral home and our parish. My mom specified which funeral home she wanted to use and who to ask for because the woman was so helpful and understanding when my brother passed, so I know I'll be in good hands on that front. She didn't want a viewing or visitation, just cremation and a funeral mass, so I guess this is simpler than it could have been even though it still feels like a whole lot at the moment.

My only piece of advice other than the excellent tips you have already heard here, is if you have a slightly more distant relative who is a dependable sort, asking them for help with logistical matters can be really a good thing; a cousin, niece or nephew, etc. They can be really helpful with things like keeping the caterer within your budget, or picking up the condolence notes and book from the funeral home and making sure it gets back to your home, or working with the florist to coordinate the disposition of what others send, etc.; you can give them copies of your mothers' notes and let them manage logistics while you manage grieving. These folks who were fond of your mother but not super-close to her will probably have a clearer head due to that little bit of distance, so if they are there, accept their help.

Fortunately, my MIL is stepping into that role. She's the most organized woman I've ever met and our families are very close - with it just being me and my mom left on my side, we all celebrated holidays together rather than doing the "my side"/"his side" thing that a lot of couples do and they got to be friends as well as in-laws over the 20-odd years DH & I have been together - and I know I can trust her to keep things on track and in line with my mother's wishes.

Additionally, good to write your thoughts down as they come to you so you or others do not forget questions or thoughts you previously had prior to church/funeral home visits.

That is a great idea. I've been doing it for months between doctor's appointments, just typing questions as they came to me into an "ask the doctor" note file on my phone. I'll start doing the same with funeral notes so questions/thoughts don't vanish into the brain fog.

 

[neverlandsky]

So sorry for the loss of your Mother. Our thoughts, prayers, and condolences from our family to yours. Please give yourself grace. If the resources are available definitely micromanage & divide up duties. Sounds like you have a great MIL & support. Lean on that. Ultimately, do what YOU feel is best & is comfortable while honoring Mom's wishes. It will not be perfect, yet there will be beautiful moments that you will treasure forever.

 

[TCRAIG]

My mother passed last July - we’re Catholic as well - your church should have a bereavement committee and between them and other resources at the church and funeral home - they really will handle everything with great respect and professionalism. You may want to enlist help going thru old photos if you want anything published in the paper or any type of memorial video.

 

[design_mom]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to send my condolences.

 

[AnnaS]

So sorry for your loss.

Everyone here has been very helpful. I have arranged funerals for my parents, my sister and my in-laws. I helped with my BIL.

Just remember to ask questions with the funeral director. You have choices for just about anything if it might be something that is not listed in your mom's wishes.

Years ago, viewings used to be two days - two viewings each day - a break in between - which meant one had to worry about lunch for family/friends attending both viewings in one day, etc. Funeral third day.

Then more and more people started to have a viewing for one day - split in two sessions again - funeral next day.

More and more now - which we have done also - We have one viewing on one day. 4 - 8pm or 5 - 9pm. No break in between so no need to worry about luncheon in between. Who will host luncheon, etc. (You have to consider COVID, anyone traveling, small children in the family, stressful for everyone, anyone ill, etc.).

Depending on the size of the funeral home - how many viewing rooms are available, you can choose to pick a day or two later than you or the funeral suggests - just in case you are waiting for any family members to travel and have time to visit.

You can opt to have limo cars for the family or not.

Obviously follow your mom's wishes - but don't forget it's okay to ask questions and change things up. I would get clothing/shoes ready. Any pictures you might want to display too. Do you want anyone to bring up gifts at mass? Anyone specific to read in church? Things in that nature.

Sorry again for your loss.

 

[Southernmiss]

I'm so sorry, op.

I am the office manager at our small parish and work with families for funerals.

The parish will have a book to choose readings and hymns from.

The priest may ask you about a few memories of your mom that he could highlight in his homily.

I prepare a worship aid and we ask for a picture from the family.

We also have a bereavement committee that assists with a meal after the funeral.

It may be helpful to touch base with the parish before you go to the funeral home. We have just one priest and he is quite busy, so knowing the priest and church's availability before hand can help plan the day and time.

Our priest wants to meet with the family in the early stages of planning to begin to plan the Mass.

It's never easy to lose a loved one. The church and funeral home know that and will help to make it all as 'easy' and smooth as possible.

 

[disykat]

We recently buried my father. Because of Covid numbers in the area, we didn't do a luncheon. We had the outside graveside service for family and close friends and handed out gift bags that included a bunch of his favorite things (jams, candies, hot sauces, etc.) and a booklet I'd written up of little memories around each item that was included.

We all agreed it was very different than what we had envisioned, but at the same time felt "just right." To make up for not having a larger gathering we made up a card with pictures, etc. along with his obituary, to send to extended friends and family.

Whatever you decide, just go easy on yourself. We lost my dad and DH's mom within a few weeks of each other and it's tough to go through. We're still regaining our equilibrium. My MIL didn't want any kind of service and, although we have her ashes, not having any kind of service was difficult too. The chance to gather with loved ones is important.

I have to say, I'm really relieved viewings are not part of our tradition. In my circles only very close family views and funerals either have a closed casket or a crematory urn or even more often memorials that are held after a private burial.
Because he was cremated, we didn't have to deal with dad's graveside interment until several weeks after his passing.

One hint I have.... We had talked to the Pastor about what we wanted, but made the mistake of not saying what we DIDN'T want. Pastor did what we wanted, but (with all good intentions) added in a bunch of stuff we didn't want. I thought I had been so clear! So, if there's specific music etc. you don't want, be clear. We ended up with a bunch of really bad music (multiple verses of really bad graveside acapella singing in a key that was impossible to sing in) that dad would have hated and a bad case of the giggles between me and my siblings (all in our 60s.)

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I am so sorry to hear this, Colleen. Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

My elderly mother really did not want to do any formal funeral planning. She got mad if I brought it up. But we did discuss her wishes over the years. When she was well into hospice I went and sat down with the funeral home for the first time, with my family in tow to support me. We were there for a couple of hours but they were so great with us. We picked everything out (casket and accompaniments, cards, services) and I paid the bill. That made it a little easier when the time came, which required a much shorter visit. I’d dealt with my father’s funeral 30 some-odd years earlier but that was sudden and memories of that time are a blur. I will say the difference in price was about $10K in those years for essentially the same services.

One thing that blew my mind was the cost of putting an ad in the paper - each ad $700+! (We’d been planning to do three.) The funeral director said that most people today use social media to direct friends and family to the funeral home webpage that posts the obituary, and use the money for a nice luncheon instead, so that’s what we did, too. The luncheon after the service was a little challenging for us because a) we weren’t sure how many people would go and b) we had to leave early as we had to be at the (National) cemetery no later than 2pm, and it was a distance away. Funeral director was funny tho, and told me, “When I show up at the end of the luncheon to get you, I’m going to say so and so, we need to leave right now, and you have to go”. Which we did, and it all worked out well. He stayed with her until she was interred and that was the only way I could leave, knowing he was there. Driving away was tough for me.

There was one thing I wasn’t happy about and that was Mom’s hair. Seems silly but she was one of those people who was all about her hair. (As am I.) Two days before she passed her regular hairdresser came to the house and cut and styled her hair. It looked really nice and I was so appreciative, as it’s not exactly an easy thing to do. So I nearly passed out when I got to the wake and saw that someone had literally butchered her hair. Omg! Turns out the funeral home had their own hairdresser and she cut her hair in the most unflattering way. I couldn’t believe it, and Mom would’ve been upset about that, but otherwise their services were great, and she still looked really beautiful. I’d talked about her hair during the final planning and thought that was enough. I should’ve emphasized more to leave her hair alone, or to just comb and hairspray it.

The way the luncheon worked was that the restaurant charged for a minimum of ten people, whether two or twenty showed up. They said they could work with whatever. So I was sort of surprised when 52 showed up! (This was right before Covid.) There was no discount for funeral luncheons, so it did get a little pricey, but we all agreed the place was nice, the meal was excellent (buffet), there was plenty of food, they were easy to work with, and they even boxed up the leftovers for people. If I had to do it over again I would’ve skipped the cheese tray and mini desserts (both were very expensive) and just brought a nice sheetcake on my own to cut up and serve with coffee. I’d framed an 8X10 picture of Mom that we put on display there, which the restaurant had suggested. It was a nice send off and my family and I all agreed she would’ve loved it (except for the hair).

I hope things go smoothly for you, Colleen.

 

[HeatherC]

I am so very sorry Colleen. I lost my Mom this past September and am still reeling.

As far as funeral planning, the funeral home will literally walk you through everything. They have a catalog and check list you basically can just point and go ok…we will do that. From readings and music, to urns or caskets, connecting you with a church or synagogue or whatever. They really do make it extremely easy which is what you need right now. The only thing we had to do separately was go to a florist and pick a floral package or arrangement since we wanted that as well. I would imagine some funeral homes probably also do this as well.

I am sure you are probably feeling numb and or exhausted and overwhelmed. Try not to worry about doing things “right”. Give yourself grace and take some time for yourself. The funeral will be lovely no matter what you decide anyway.

Hugs to you. May your Mom rest in peace and may you find comfort in the coming days.

 

[TB'sWidow]

So very sorry for your loss an prayers to your family for strength during this time