Funeral Etiquette

[diz8297]

I agree it's perfectly fine. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[bbak30]

So very sorry for your loss:-(
I think it's fine, it's just a suggestion.

 

[powellrj]

We have always been asked by the funeral home who we wanted to list as a charity. The first time it caught me off guard, but I have always been ready since then.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Providing memorial donation information in lieu of flowers is common here.

Same here & I think it's perfectly fine. Many will send flowers anyway, and that's fine too.

OP, sorry for your loss.

 

[Missy1961]

It's common here, too. I've never heard anyone say that it's crass or tacky, especially when it's phrased as "in lieu of flowers." To me, that's not saying "hey, you have to make a donation," it's saying "if you were thinking of sending flowers, the family would rather that you support this charity instead."

Yes, that's exactly as I've always seen it too. When my mom passed, we suggested people donate to the hospice that was so incredibly helpful to us when she was so sick. We already had plenty of flowers, but this way, something that helped us got funds. We got a letter for each donation, so we could thank people.

OP, sorry for your loss.

 

[firecracker725]

We've discussed etiquette in all types of situations and the recent loss of my dad has me wondering about the "right" way to do things with regard to funerals.

First, is it OK to list a preferred charity for memorial donations? Or suggest "donations in lieu of flowers?" As we were planning the obit with the funeral director, he asked if we wanted to list a charity. Since my dad had Alzheimers, we listed alz.org. But after the fact, I wondered if it was ok (not that I was the primary decision maker anyway.) When DH's dad passed several years ago, DH did not list a charity.

Is that suggesting that donations SHOULD be made? Is it crass to be asking for money, even for charity, at a time like that? It hasn't bothered me when others have done it and I never gave it thought until now.

Part two of the things I'm now wondering about, if a preferred charity is suggested, is it OK to donate to your own preferred charity instead but still in memory of the deceased?

This did occur and for the record, before anyone flames me, I completely appreciated the gesture. I wrote a gracious thank you note. I appreciate their thoughtfulness and have no problem with the donation they made. I have always donated to whatever the suggested charity was but it made me wonder if it's ok to choose myself instead?

I don't know the etiquette, but my mom threatened to haunt me if I put anything regarding not sending flowers in her obituary. I respected her wishes, though a great many people chose to donate instead, which I appreciated very much.

 

[aprilgail]

It's totally fine to put that. We didn't when my dad died (it was sudden, he was only 55 and never sick a day in his life!) we were just shocked and didn't even think to do it (just like I am still mad no one suggested we donate his organs!)- but since we didn't we ended up with a bunch of envelopes filled with cash- ended up donating it anyway but would have been easier to put where to donate it in the obit.

 

[indygirl99]

Sorry for your loss.

My mom always said flowers were meant to be outside where everyone could enjoy them not stinking up her house, and that she prefer not to have any at her funeral.

When she died of breast cancer we were unsure what charity to suggest as she had 2 that she actively supported. We asked for "donations to your favorite charity in lieu of flowers".

Amazingly enough there was not one flower arraignment sent to her funeral. The funeral director told us he almost put one there just so there would be flowers present but since he was friends with my parents he knew my mom would sit up and chew him out if he did. There was however over $20,000 donated to 15 different charities (including her 2 favorite) in her name.

 

[ASchwa]

We've discussed etiquette in all types of situations and the recent loss of my dad has me wondering about the "right" way to do things with regard to funerals.

First, is it OK to list a preferred charity for memorial donations? Or suggest "donations in lieu of flowers?" As we were planning the obit with the funeral director, he asked if we wanted to list a charity. Since my dad had Alzheimers, we listed alz.org. But after the fact, I wondered if it was ok (not that I was the primary decision maker anyway.) When DH's dad passed several years ago, DH did not list a charity.

Is that suggesting that donations SHOULD be made? Is it crass to be asking for money, even for charity, at a time like that? It hasn't bothered me when others have done it and I never gave it thought until now.

Part two of the things I'm now wondering about, if a preferred charity is suggested, is it OK to donate to your own preferred charity instead but still in memory of the deceased?

This did occur and for the record, before anyone flames me, I completely appreciated the gesture. I wrote a gracious thank you note. I appreciate their thoughtfulness and have no problem with the donation they made. I have always donated to whatever the suggested charity was but it made me wonder if it's ok to choose myself instead?

So sorry for your loss, my father died 3 weeks ago. My mother told most people to donate to organizations that my father established instead of flowers. I think though, if they wanted to donate to a charity or another organization in memory of, it is still a nice gesture to honor your Dad and I see no problems with it.

 

[AquamarineSteph]

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is very difficult, no matter how old we are at the time.

When my father passed away, we listed the local PBS station as the charity of choice because he so enjoyed watching television the last few years when he couldn't get out of the house very well. I think it is a wonderful thing to be able to ask to give to others (whatever your charity of choice may be) at an otherwise very sad time. I have always appreciated the flowers and plants that people send during times of sorrow, but I think perhaps it is also good to share the money that would be spent for flowers toward others who are also in need of support.

 

[tvguy]

OP. You handled it perfectly. My mom wanted NO publicity, no obit, no public service. She said a graveside service was okay, but only if we wanted it, but it was not an option as the National Cemetery she is interred in no longer allows graveside services. Not sure she would have been totally okay that I called 3 of her closest friends to let them know she had passed away. She made it to age 90, which means most of her lifelong friends had passed before her.

 

[Paula Sedley-Burke]

I think that people in general are grateful for the direction. It is automatic to get flowers but if there is a charity well people jump on that. It is common here in the UK also.

I am sorry for your loss and it must be hard having to also organise the funeral. Don't forget to breathe and remember it's ok for you to greive to. Not just those attending. I hope it goes well.

 

[smiths02]

Sorry for your loss. I prefer donations, as opposed to flowers and agree with someone else, it's better than a gofundme. It's perfectly acceptable to list donations to a specific charity, or the charity of their choice.

What burns me is that I have donated to charities before, a couple of months go by and not a word from the person who was to be notified. Now, I understand the grief and and not being able to get out a thank you right away. I do not say anything but by the 3rd or 4th month, I finally do ask. Did you get something notifiying you that I made a donation? The answer has been no. When my mom passed 2.5 years ago, wouldn't you know it happened to me? I had several people donate to the kidney foundation and I never heard a word that they did. Some donated to the hospice we used and within a week we received a lovely card stating that a donation was made.

When my friend's grandmother passed away, they asked for donations in lieu of flowers. (I can't remember the organization right now, maybe American Lung Association?) Anyhow, when I donated, there was an option to notify my friend...I did, but felt weird like "look at me, I'm such a nice friend I donated to charity for you." Anyhow, I believe my friend got that notification AND then another notification from the organization. Then *I* felt tacky.

 

[ronandannette]

We've discussed etiquette in all types of situations and the recent loss of my dad has me wondering about the "right" way to do things with regard to funerals.

First, is it OK to list a preferred charity for memorial donations? Or suggest "donations in lieu of flowers?" As we were planning the obit with the funeral director, he asked if we wanted to list a charity. Since my dad had Alzheimers, we listed alz.org. But after the fact, I wondered if it was ok (not that I was the primary decision maker anyway.) When DH's dad passed several years ago, DH did not list a charity...

As we like to say here on the DIS "it's a regional thing..." Funeral etiquette very much depends on the normal practices of your local culture, extended family and friends, religious group etc. What is very common for some is not a usual practise for others and one thing you can depend on is the professionalism of the funeral director - it's her/his job to know these things. If you were asked about it, it's because it's commonly done in your circumstances and they were trying to help you "cover all the bases".

OP. You handled it perfectly. My mom wanted NO publicity, no obit, no public service. She said a graveside service was okay, but only if we wanted it, but it was not an option as the National Cemetery she is interred in no longer allows graveside services. Not sure she would have been totally okay that I called 3 of her closest friends to let them know she had passed away. She made it to age 90, which means most of her lifelong friends had passed before her.

Sort of OT but I'm fascinated by this. If you don't mind saying, how exactly are interments done?

When my friend's grandmother passed away, they asked for donations in lieu of flowers. (I can't remember the organization right now, maybe American Lung Association?) Anyhow, when I donated, there was an option to notify my friend...I did, but felt weird like "look at me, I'm such a nice friend I donated to charity for you." Anyhow, I believe my friend got that notification AND then another notification from the organization. Then *I* felt tacky.

Don't think about it like that at all...your donation was a gesture of respect towards the deceased and of condolence towards your friend, right? How could she be comforted by that gesture if she didn't know? It would sort of be like going to the funeral but making sure she didn't see you there or sending a card but not signing it. Maybe because there's money involved you feel a little weird but by no means was it any attempt to draw attention to yourself.

 

[tvguy]

Sort of OT but I'm fascinated by this. If you don't mind saying, how exactly are interments done?
.

Family is not allowed to even be at the cemetery until after 430 pm on internment day. You can make use of the chapel for services after the fact and you can do graveside services AFTER the internment. This is Golden Gate National Cemetery in San Bruno. But I understand why after further investigation. Technically, this cemetery has been closed to new interments since 1968. My dad passed away in 1967, and my mom was interred in the same grave site in 2013. The cemetery has transitioned from an active cemetery to one where the primary priority is perpetual care. In my case, my mom was scheduled to be interred at 11 am. At 2 pm I got a call from the cemetery asking if I planned to be there are 430 pm, which I did not plan on. They had run into a problem with the grave site, and it was going to take several more hours of work to prepare the grave site. Seems a big portion of the irrigation system had been run through the grave site and needed to be re-routed. Later, I was tending to an issue with my Grandparents graves in another cemetery in the same area, and that cemetery representative immediately new what the issue had been with my mom's grave site without me saying. He said it is very common in older and closed cemeteries. And the odds increase when the surviving spouse outlives the other spouse by nearly 50 years. My mom's interment was apparently the first in 30 years in that section.

 

[DiannaVM]

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss OP.

Secondly, I can't remember the last time I went to a funeral or read an obituary in which donations to a charity where asked in lieu of flowers. Its become quite common here. I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all. I would rather encourage it, a much worthwhile way to spend money helping others after a loved one is gone. Like others said, some people may still send flowers/fruit baskets/food, etc regardless, which is still welcome.

 

[lovemygoofy]

We've discussed etiquette in all types of situations and the recent loss of my dad has me wondering about the "right" way to do things with regard to funerals.

First, is it OK to list a preferred charity for memorial donations? Or suggest "donations in lieu of flowers?" As we were planning the obit with the funeral director, he asked if we wanted to list a charity. Since my dad had Alzheimers, we listed alz.org. But after the fact, I wondered if it was ok (not that I was the primary decision maker anyway.) When DH's dad passed several years ago, DH did not list a charity.

Is that suggesting that donations SHOULD be made? Is it crass to be asking for money, even for charity, at a time like that? It hasn't bothered me when others have done it and I never gave it thought until now.

Part two of the things I'm now wondering about, if a preferred charity is suggested, is it OK to donate to your own preferred charity instead but still in memory of the deceased?

This did occur and for the record, before anyone flames me, I completely appreciated the gesture. I wrote a gracious thank you note. I appreciate their thoughtfulness and have no problem with the donation they made. I have always donated to whatever the suggested charity was but it made me wonder if it's ok to choose myself instead?

I totally understand your thinking! My FIL passed 7AUG and we were at the funeral home and they were asking for a favorite charity in lieu of flowers and donations and I was like this might not be the time to ask for money from others. It was explained this is very common now but we still elected to not put anything in the obituary regarding a donation to a charity. The service was private family invitation only anyways so we could spread the word so to speak if we want to do a donation. We also were having "conflict" not really but a difference of opinion regarding a donation to do so I guess ultimately each person will donate accordingly where he/she would like.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

What burns me is that I have donated to charities before, a couple of months go by and not a word from the person who was to be notified. Now, I understand the grief and and not being able to get out a thank you right away. I do not say anything but by the 3rd or 4th month, I finally do ask. Did you get something notifiying you that I made a donation? The answer has been no. When my mom passed 2.5 years ago, wouldn't you know it happened to me? I had several people donate to the kidney foundation and I never heard a word that they did. Some donated to the hospice we used and within a week we received a lovely card stating that a donation was made.

My father just passed away a month ago and we asked that any donations go to Leader Dogs for the Blind. My dad was legally blind so we thought that would be a good place for the funds to go. We had many envelopes that we mailed off to them but we had no idea who made the donations so I couldn't send a thank you to them. The envelopes were sealed by the giver. I hope the organization let's me know so I can properly thank people but on the off chance they don't, I sure hope those friends and family know that we are grateful for their donation.

 

[ronandannette]

Family is not allowed to even be at the cemetery until after 430 pm on internment day. You can make use of the chapel for services after the fact and you can do graveside services AFTER the internment. This is Golden Gate National Cemetery in San Bruno. But I understand why after further investigation. Technically, this cemetery has been closed to new interments since 1968. My dad passed away in 1967, and my mom was interred in the same grave site in 2013. The cemetery has transitioned from an active cemetery to one where the primary priority is perpetual care. In my case, my mom was scheduled to be interred at 11 am. At 2 pm I got a call from the cemetery asking if I planned to be there are 430 pm, which I did not plan on. They had run into a problem with the grave site, and it was going to take several more hours of work to prepare the grave site. Seems a big portion of the irrigation system had been run through the grave site and needed to be re-routed. Later, I was tending to an issue with my Grandparents graves in another cemetery in the same area, and that cemetery representative immediately new what the issue had been with my mom's grave site without me saying. He said it is very common in older and closed cemeteries. And the odds increase when the surviving spouse outlives the other spouse by nearly 50 years. My mom's interment was apparently the first in 30 years in that section.

Thanks for satisfying my curiosity. I'd personally be really sad without some kind of committal, but then again I come from generations of "big hoopla funeral" people (complete with all the flowers we can get!).

 

[aprilgail]

My father just passed away a month ago and we asked that any donations go to Leader Dogs for the Blind. My dad was legally blind so we thought that would be a good place for the funds to go. We had many envelopes that we mailed off to them but we had no idea who made the donations so I couldn't send a thank you to them. The envelopes were sealed by the giver. I hope the organization let's me know so I can properly thank people but on the off chance they don't, I sure hope those friends and family know that we are grateful for their donation.

The organization should inform you of who donates. I work for a charity and when we get donations like that we send a thank you to the person that donates and then a letter to the family of the deceased saying "John and Mary have made a donation in your fathers memory" we don't tell how much but we do let them know who made a donation.