Frustrated, embaressed and mad!

[torinsmom]

I didn't say it was said outright, but it was inferred that the mom must feel bad because they are able to give the kids a big Christmas, and are having an expensive wedding, things like that. It wasn't any one post, it was the vibe I for from a few of them.

There's really no excuse for anyone to make up a sob story to get something for free. Some people who do not know better may read that application and believe that the OP's husband is a dead beat dad who desserted his family. It could lead to bad feelings towards the OP's family, which would be unwarranted. I know if I read that someone did that, it would change the way I feel about them; nothing worse than a dead beat dad, IMHO. Not to mention that a family in real need may not get help b/c she is taking up a spot.

 

[luvsJack]

The fact of the matter, it is hard for one parent in a divorce not to be able to provide the kind of Christmas the other parent can. She shouldn't have lied and I am not defending it, but I can still understand it to a degree.

She was lying about the child's father leaving them and not seeing them but was she lying about there being money in HER household to buy Christmas presents? Maybe she was asking for assistance based on HER circumstances not those of her ex and his gf.

It makes one parent feel very inadequate when the other parent provides a big Christmas and they cannot. Does she know that your df is going for custody? If so, that would make it worse on her to think she cannot give him the gifts that her ex can. Also, will his Christmas presents be left at your house or will he be able to take them home? That would have something to do with it to. She may not want your house to be more appealing to her house, KWIM?

Is the charity not based on the income in her household and not dependent on anything to do with an ex who doesn't live there? If so she wouldn't be really getting the gifts by fraud, if there is no income in the household most charities would provide gifts for the children.


ETA: I do not mean to sound like the OP should feel guilty or scale back her Christmas. You should do what is exactly right for your household.

 

[golfgal]

I volunteered for a Christmas Charity for many, many years. We did not require any background information nor did we ask for income requirements, etc. People that felt they needed help over the holiday just had to register so we knew how many people we had to plan for. We gave away a gift for all children 18 and under and a full Christmas meal (turkey, stuffing, etc.). People STILL abused this. We would see a mom sign up the family and then the dad would also sign up. We marked off the UPC's on the donated gifts so they could not be returned but we would still see people trying to do that at the local stores. It was really sad. 99% of the people were truly appreciative and needed what we provided but that 1% really made you shake your head.

 

[pls5286]

someone posted about the ESF for metro atlanta, we do not live in metro atlanta. Ours is run by the sherrifs dept and you apply if you need it.

as far as custody, she does not know at this time.

his christmas presents, many will stay here but some will go to his moms.

 

[barkley]

I volunteered for a Christmas Charity for many, many years. We did not require any background information nor did we ask for income requirements, etc. People that felt they needed help over the holiday just had to register so we knew how many people we had to plan for. We gave away a gift for all children 18 and under and a full Christmas meal (turkey, stuffing, etc.). People STILL abused this. We would see a mom sign up the family and then the dad would also sign up. We marked off the UPC's on the donated gifts so they could not be returned but we would still see people trying to do that at the local stores. It was really sad. 99% of the people were truly appreciative and needed what we provided but that 1% really made you shake your head.

yup-that's why where i worked all the charities finaly banded together and worked out a centralized application/screening process.

it was pretty illuminating to them when they were in the process of putting the new procedures into place, representatives sat down together to start figuring out the numbers of people each group served, and when they started comparing records they were shocked at the number of families that were double, triple and even quadruple dipping not only for gifts for the kids but entire holiday meals when all was said and done they realized they could serve so many more individual families than they had in the past.

 

[golfgal]

yup-that's why where i worked all the charities finaly banded together and worked out a centralized application/screening process.

it was pretty illuminating to them when they were in the process of putting the new procedures into place, representatives sat down together to start figuring out the numbers of people each group served, and when they started comparing records they were shocked at the number of families that were double, triple and even quadruple dipping not only for gifts for the kids but entire holiday meals when all was said and done they realized they could serve so many more individual families than they had in the past.

We were the only "big" charity in the area. Several churches, etc. did an Angel tree, etc. but we were the only ones that gave out the meals. The Angel trees did have income requirements, and while I am sure people abused that too, if they met the requirments for that they probably couldn't have afforded to give their children anything for Christmas so getting a few more gifts under the tree wasn't a big deal. Our gifts were priced in the $35 range and we usually combined 2 or 3 things to get to that price (maybe a Barbie, some clothes and a game, for example) so they weren't getting huge presents from us.

We always had the kids from the alternative high school come over and help us wrap gifts, etc. MANY of those kids were recipients of our program over the years and they were always SO THANKFUL they could help out and give back. The first year the kids came they came for a couple hours. After that year they started coming every day for several hours. They were GREAT to have there because they pretty much did anything we asked of them . One girl started crying when she saw how much work went on to put the program together. Of course, we all started crying too.

 

[luvsJack]

someone posted about the ESF for metro atlanta, we do not live in metro atlanta. Ours is run by the sherrifs dept and you apply if you need it.

as far as custody, she does not know at this time.

his christmas presents, many will stay here but some will go to his moms.

Well, the sherriff's office will straighten it out and determine if she qualfies. Don't let it bother you. She may always say thing that are not true, especially if you get custody (and it sounds like you need to), so you may have to learn to just let it roll off your back.

 

[Magic Mom]

I didn't say it was said outright, but it was inferred that the mom must feel bad because they are able to give the kids a big Christmas, and are having an expensive wedding, things like that. It wasn't any one post, it was the vibe I for from a few of them.

There's really no excuse for anyone to make up a sob story to get something for free. Some people who do not know better may read that application and believe that the OP's husband is a dead beat dad who desserted his family. It could lead to bad feelings towards the OP's family, which would be unwarranted. I know if I read that someone did that, it would change the way I feel about them; nothing worse than a dead beat dad, IMHO. Not to mention that a family in real need may not get help b/c she is taking up a spot.

Nope, I didn't impy it. You may have inferred it, but you would be incorrect.

 

[npmommie]

Instead, I am going to a local nursing home and asking if there are residents who do not have families. I'd like to provide gifts for someone like this who really needs some help.

This is such a nice idea. Many NH residents have no one, they never get a visit let alone a christmas present.
you will really brighten someone's day!

 

[torinsmom]

This is such a nice idea. Many NH residents have no one, they never get a visit let alone a christmas present.
you will really brighten someone's day!

I hope so, and I will ask at the nurses station for names of those who do not have loved ones visiting.

 

[shortbun]

Hopefully you are truthful with the information. If you allow her in she will take the place of a truly needy family.

You know, takes all kinds.

She IS a truly needy family. She probably didn't need to lie to get into the charity but some people just can not resist. OP-I'd be irrate but I would know that karma will take care of her sometime-or already has. Let it go and keep smiling; your life is good.

 

[MooGooGai]

She has 5 adults living in her house and none working, but that is another issue.

Perhaps they are disabled?

We found out today that DF ex applied for the empty stocking fund. This is a charity that we secretly volunteer with. On her application she put sons father left us and won't see him and refuses to pay child support.

They allowed you to view the real names of applicants

 

[npmommie]

I hope so, and I will ask at the nurses station for names of those who do not have loved ones visiting.

Your best bet would be to talk to one of the social workers, they will be able to help you.

 

[happygirl]

They allowed you to view the real names of applicants

I can't believe they would allow for people to be able to see there names of the people applying, talk about being embrassed

 

[Magic Mom]

I can't believe they would allow for people to be able to see there names of the people applying, talk about being embrassed

Let's hope the OP is part of the screening process. Although if she is, she should recuse herself from the decision since there is history between her and the applicant.

 

[pls5286]

Yes, we do see names, because if you had help in 08 and 09, you did not qualify except in extreme circumstances such as fire etc.

I am on the board along w the heads of several other heads of civic organizatons in our county. No one knows who we are but one another. We do not let others in the community know we are on the board. Toys are actually picked up at the Sheriffs Dept. The screening process is a big job and takes some time.

As far as the adults living in the house.

Mom is disabled...none of the other adults are and all live on her disability and the childs. He is autistic.

I will not be a part of the final decision. It was turned over to the Sheriff who is the ultimate head of the board along with the truth for the final decision.

 

[castleview]

s.

I am not supporting the angel tree in our area this year, because I learned that you don't have to show proof of need to be eligible. You just show up and give proof or residency in the county.

I know a few people that don't bother with the angel tree. Apparently, they were turned off by the requests for Itunes Gift cards and DS games.

 

[NMAmy]

I know a few people that don't bother with the angel tree. Apparently, they were turned off by the requests for Itunes Gift cards and DS games.

I live in an area that's been hit very hard by the recession. Folks that may have had a good job a couple of years ago may have been out of work for a long time. Kids that may have received an iPod or a Nintendo DS before the bad times hit could have families that can't afford a Christmas now. I have no issue with giving a DS game or an iTunes gift card for that very reason.

 

[robinb]

Yes, we do see names, because if you had help in 08 and 09, you did not qualify except in extreme circumstances such as fire etc.

I am on the board along w the heads of several other heads of civic organizatons in our county. No one knows who we are but one another. We do not let others in the community know we are on the board. Toys are actually picked up at the Sheriffs Dept. The screening process is a big job and takes some time.

As far as the adults living in the house.

Mom is disabled...none of the other adults are and all live on her disability and the childs. He is autistic.

I will not be a part of the final decision. It was turned over to the Sheriff who is the ultimate head of the board along with the truth for the final decision.

So she is on support from the state. Wouldn't an autistic child of a disabled single mom usually qualify for this kind of program? Regardless of whether she receives child support?

I understand that her lie was embarrassing. I would be embarrassed in that situation too. She probably thought she had to embellish her circumstances. However, she probably does still qualify for the program because a place like Toys For Tots or Empty Stocking can't know if the noncustodial parent will actually pony up for gifts or not.

Also, that 08 & 09 rule is crazy. If you were poor in the last two years you're not allowed to be poor now? Sorry kids! No toys for you. Your family is still poor!

 

[luvsJack]

So she is on support from the state. Wouldn't an autistic child of a disabled single mom usually qualify for this kind of program? Regardless of whether she receives child support?

I understand that her lie was embarrassing. I would be embarrassed in that situation too. She probably thought she had to embellish her circumstances. However, she probably does still qualify for the program because a place like Toys For Tots or Empty Stocking can't know if the noncustodial parent will actually pony up for gifts or not.

Also, that 08 & 09 rule is crazy. If you were poor in the last two years you're not allowed to be poor now? Sorry kids! No toys for you. Your family is still poor!

I agree completely. Sounds like she qualifies regardless of what her ex and his gf are doing. That would be like saying a single mom doesn't qualify for food stamps because her ex makes too much money; the only thing that counts on his income is the amount of child support that is paid.

In all reality, this may be much more embarrassing for her than it is for the OP. I think I would just be thankful that I didn't feel the need to ask for help.