Frustrated, embaressed and mad!

[pls5286]

We found out today that DF ex applied for the empty stocking fund. This is a charity that we secretly volunteer with. On her application she put sons father left us and won't see him and refuses to pay child support. We were embarrassed, but everyone there knew the truth.

We have him a minimum of every other weekend. Usually more and all child support is paid. We have him this year at Christmas and all 3 kids are going to have a big Christmas.

She has 5 adults living in her house and none working, but that is another issue.

We don't have a problem with anyone using the empty stocking fund, but tell the TRUTH!

 

[LuvOrlando]

Oh my goodness, fraud aimed at a charity and one devoted to helping kids enjoy Christmas no less. Is there no limit to how low some people will stoop I wouldn't stand anywhere near that prize, when Karma hits it'll be a beauty of a strike. That's quite a conscience there, sounds like your DF really dodged a bullet.

 

[Magic Mom]

She shouldn't have lied, but maybe she wants to give him a "big" Christmas too. I imagine if I was a divorced parent, it would be hard to try and keep up so to speak.

I'm sorry you were embarrassed. Thankfully everyone knew the truth.

 

[christiane]

What will you do with this information? It's a bit tricky for you. On one hand you don't want to support fraud, but on the other hand there is your future step-child. His living situation doesn't sound ideal.

We volunteer with a similar charity but all of the applicants are screened by social services before we provide them with gifts. Does your organization do this?

 

[pls5286]

That is what we were doing today were screening based on need. One of the other volunteers asked us if this was her and showed us the app. This person knew us and sees us with all 3 kids all the time. The app was pulled and a note was made and sent to the org head for further screening.

we are going for custody after the first of the year as he is not made to go to school, not made to take his meds and many other things.

the empty stocking fund is run by the sherrifs dept so all applications are approved by the so. There are volunteers that help in the background with screening previous use, age etc. Ultimately the sherrif approves the app.

 

[robinb]

She shouldn't have lied, but maybe she wants to give him a "big" Christmas too. I imagine if I was a divorced parent, it would be hard to try and keep up so to speak.

That's what I was thinking. She lied BUT she can't keep up with her Ex so she's asking for some help to buy her kids some presents. Maybe she thought she had to make up a story to get the help. It must kill her to be struggling while her ex-DH is planning such an expensive wedding with his new fiance. I guess I'm not willing to paint her as the villain.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That is what we were doing today were screening based on need. One of the other volunteers asked us if this was her and showed us the app. This person knew us and sees us with all 3 kids all the time. The app was pulled and a note was made and sent to the org head for further screening.

we are going for custody after the first of the year as he is not made to go to school, not made to take his meds and many other things.

the empty stocking fund is run by the sherrifs dept so all applications are approved by the so. There are volunteers that help in the background with screening previous use, age etc. Ultimately the sherrif approves the app.

Hopefully you are truthful with the information. If you allow her in she will take the place of a truly needy family.

You know, takes all kinds.

 

[Tink888]

I'm not condoning her lying but it sounds like maybe there is some need there (even if it is a result of the adult's lack of effort to work).

I'd have been mad but at least the people in your charity know the truth.

And in the end, maybe your DF's son will get a nice Christmas with his Mom too? Which is all about what your charity tries to do right? So it's a good thing for the boy.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would be inclined to snitch if she is utilizing this fund fraudulently.

I am not familiar with the charity, so YMMV. Many charities don't require a sob story to get help if folks feel they need it...i.e, she could have avoided the lies and still gotten help.

While not a charity--when my husband was laid off, we went to a "free" clothing/toy drive. It was all used things--but that is where we took the kids shopping for each other's Christmas presents.

My son still actively uses one of the presents actively today--a pair of Cars' crocks (not real crocks...but that style of shoe). No lying was needed and it was for anyone who wished to utilize the service.

Anyway--she lied and her son won't be paying a price b/c he still has his dad. The fund should be used for folks who need the service. If she had to lie--she doesn't need the service.

 

[TriMom]

I am ready to paint her as the villain. It must suck to be one-uped by your ex over Christmas presents. And I do feel bad for her in that regard. And I will agree that it is a miserable position to be in.

BUT... the second she applied - fraudulently - to a charity for more presents for her son, I lost all compassion. Her son will be getting Christmas presents this year. She was so concerned about herself, and how she would look that she was willing to take presents away from children who would not be anything. And that I can not stand.

 

[hambirg]

Two sides to every story.

 

[HeyMickeyUSoFine]

That's what I was thinking. She lied BUT she can't keep up with her Ex so she's asking for some help to buy her kids some presents. Maybe she thought she had to make up a story to get the help. It must kill her to be struggling while her ex-DH is planning such an expensive wedding with his new fiance. I guess I'm not willing to paint her as the villain.

I don't know the woman, but I know a lot of people that get assistance from these type of charities and don't actually need them. In any case, everyone needs to be honest on these forms, regardless of their reason for applying.

 

[cm8]

We found out today that DF ex applied for the empty stocking fund. This is a charity that we secretly volunteer with. On her application she put sons father left us and won't see him and refuses to pay child support. We were embarrassed, but everyone there knew the truth.

We have him a minimum of every other weekend. Usually more and all child support is paid. We have him this year at Christmas and all 3 kids are going to have a big Christmas.

She has 5 adults living in her house and none working, but that is another issue.

We don't have a problem with anyone using the empty stocking fund, but tell the TRUTH!

Wow, she may have had her reasons, none of them comes to mind at this time. I know there are tons are people out here that really need assistance. OP, would she still have qualified even w/o the lies, if so, just let her be. I would not let on that I knew about it.

 

[dyna]

I agree with PP....I have seen the gifts returned for store credit or cash an the parent use the money for whatever junk they wanted usually for themselves. SO much of the gifts an efforts made by hardworking caring ppl never makes it where it was intended to go.

Which is why I prefer to find someone I know who will really appricate my efforts for years I helped a very very good friend who was handicapped an had a couple of young boys ....Instead of buying them gifts I'd spend how ever much I could that year on laundry soap household cleaners an paper products leaving my friend well supplied for a few months in those types of things an money to spend on the boys for Christmas. She LOVED it!!!!

 

[pilotwife_02]

I am ready to paint her as the villain. It must suck to be one-uped by your ex over Christmas presents. And I do feel bad for her in that regard. And I will agree that it is a miserable position to be in.

BUT... the second she applied - fraudulently - to a charity for more presents for her son, I lost all compassion. Her son will be getting Christmas presents this year. She was so concerned about herself, and how she would look that she was willing to take presents away from children who would not be anything. And that I can not stand.

ITA with this. I have to be honest I can't believe people are so understanding about her lying and taking need away from a TRUELY needy family. It's not that her child won't get a nice Christmas, he just won't get it from her. There are families out there that won't get ONE at all.

 

[robinb]

Two sides to every story.

According to the Empty Stockings Fund website for the OP's county, eligibility is determined by DFACS and not "sob stories". So, I am at a loss of how the OP's future husband's ex-wife was in the program unless her kids are receiving assistance from the state.

http://www.emptystockingfund.org/About/Who_We_Serve.html

he Empty Stocking Fund assists children from birth to age 13 living in

DeKalb, Clayton, Cobb, Douglas, Fayette, Fulton, Gwinnett and Henry counties who are receiving Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) or Medicaid insurance benefits through the Department of Family and Children Services.

Each year, with the help of each county's Department of Family and Children Services (DFACS), letters are sent to parents and guardians of children living at or below the poverty level, notifying them that they are eligible to receive gifts for their children.

If you received Medicaid benefits through Fulton or DeKalb County prior to October 1st, you should receive a letter from the Empty Stocking Fund in November explaining the process to receive gifts. If you live in the surrounding counties (Cobb, Douglas, Fayette, Clayton, Henry, Rockdale, Gwinnett), please contact your DFACS case worker directly and they can explain how they assist families in their county.​

 

[Magic Mom]

ITA with this. I have to be honest I can't believe people are so understanding about her lying and taking need away from a TRUELY needy family. It's not that her child won't get a nice Christmas, he just won't get it from her. There are families out there that won't get ONE at all.

No one excused the lying, I just think some of us are understanding of her state of mind. IS she aware of what kind of Christmas the kids are getting from the other parent? And even if she is, maybe she feels that it's her responsibility to give them a nice Christmas too.

It would be easy for me sitting here knowing that I have money for gifts to pass judgement on someone that feels the need to beg and lie for presents for her children. But I was just trying to put myself in her position.

 

[barkley]

According to the Empty Stockings Fund website for the OP's county, eligibility is determined by DFACS and not "sob stories". So, I am at a loss of how the OP's future husband's ex-wife was in the program unless her kids are receiving assistance from the state.

http://www.emptystockingfund.org/About/Who_We_Serve.html

if they do it like the county i worked for social services in, the form letter is triggered if anyone in the household receives benefits, so with 5 unemployed adults living there it's conceivable one of them triggered the receipt. it's also possible that the kids are in a case with social services-in some states even if a kiddo is ineligible due to the child support received, mom can still get medicaid and other benefits. the kiddos don't get it but they are still listed in the case record because their existence provides mom basis for eligibility, so that case causes the computer to trigger sending a letter.

where i worked, when someone submitted an application it got cleared on our computers first-then we put in all the income information we had (and it was VERY illuminating to the charities-they did'nt realize how much income was exempt from consideration when receiving public assistance, and that incomes were considerably higher than what they perceived their applicants were receiving). if someone submitted one and they were'nt on our computers it got stamped "not in receipt" (these forms get duplicated by people and many people not in receipt of public assistance apply, some places hand them out to anyone who asks for them). then the charities did their screening.

 

[torinsmom]

I'm sorry, but it sounds like some people are trying to make OP feel bad because they are giving the kids a "bigger" Christmas than the mom can. Maybe they scrimped and saved to be able to afford what they plan to do. No reason for one parent to scale down b/c the other is not able to do the same level of gifts. I save all year to give my son a big Christmas, just because I love Christmas and enjoy spoiling him on Christmas and his birthday. His dad chooses to spend his money on weekly trips to the bar, fancy clothes, new computers, etc., and usually spends less than $100 on DS. It's all DS has ever known and it really doesn't bother him at all. He loves us both, but we are different people with different lifestyles.

I am not supporting the angel tree in our area this year, because I learned that you don't have to show proof of need to be eligible. You just show up and give proof or residency in the county. I work too hard to give money to people who could make more money than me, or who spend their money on other things and then depend on others to provide gifts for their kids. Instead, I am going to a local nursing home and asking if there are residents who do not have families. I'd like to provide gifts for someone like this who really needs some help.

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm sorry, but it sounds like some people are trying to make OP feel bad because they are giving the kids a "bigger" Christmas than the mom can. Maybe they scrimped and saved to be able to afford what they plan to do. No reason for one parent to scale down b/c the other is not able to do the same level of gifts. I save all year to give my son a big Christmas, just because I love Christmas and enjoy spoiling him on Christmas and his birthday. His dad chooses to spend his money on weekly trips to the bar, fancy clothes, new computers, etc., and usually spends less than $100 on DS. It's all DS has ever known and it really doesn't bother him at all. He loves us both, but we are different people with different lifestyles.

I am not supporting the angel tree in our area this year, because I learned that you don't have to show proof of need to be eligible. You just show up and give proof or residency in the county. I work too hard to give money to people who could make more money than me, or who spend their money on other things and then depend on others to provide gifts for their kids. Instead, I am going to a local nursing home and asking if there are residents who do not have families. I'd like to provide gifts for someone like this who really needs some help.

I'm guessing I'm one of those "some people." No, I am not trying to make the OP feel bad. She shouldn't feel bad for being frustrated, upset and embarrassed. I was just putting another way to look at it out there. If it relieves some of the OP's anger, then great. If not then that's fine too. But no one told her she was wrong for feeling the way she did or that they should scale back their Christmas. I'd like to see the quote where that was suggested.