frustarted w/ inlaws

[allisonswonderland]

Ok- please someone help me with this...over the weekend I was speaking to mil2b and she was talking about fil2b and how he does not want to put in money on the rehearsal dinner because he thinks it is a frivilous cost, but my fiance's older sibling just built a new house and went 60,000 dollars over and could not finish part of it, including the master bath. Well my fiance's dad wants to pay for him to finish his house but thinks the rehearsal dinner is too expensive (3000- only b/c she wants to invite everyone) and since my fiance has a good job that he should pay for it. Now his older sib is in the same profession. His mom told me not to get my feelings b/c he does not want to pay b/c that is the way he thinks....then she also told me that we have to have a girl when we have kids because our kids (unless we have a girl) will come second to my fiance's siblings kids, who are boys. How can that not hurt my feelings? Now I must say that his mom is normaly very nice to me, but she does do and say things that hurt my feelings and I do not get mad and say things but it does hurt me...how do I handle this? Help!

 

[twojo21]

yikes. i would have your fiance talk to his parents about this ie the rehearsal dinner & decide what to do. i know some couples host their own rehearsal dinner. as for the kids thing thats actually up to your groom hes the one with the dna factor. inlaws can be trying sometimes but remember youre marrying your fiance not them.

 

[JonetteA]

I know how you feel. I have problems with my family comparing everything to my brothers wedding and what was done for his wedding/ who went, etc. I know how you feel as I have also had frustrations with the inlaws. All I can tell you is to hang in there and figure out what you can and can not live with.

To give you an example, we are paying for pretty much all of our wedding on our own. This has been really stressful, but really nice as I have not had to justify what I am choosing and what I am doing. I think I switched off stress, but hey its been pretty good otherwise. Just hang in there, and remember if you do the rehearsal dinner you get to do the kind you want, and invite who you want. At that point, no one else matters when you foot the bill.

 

[allisonswonderland]

My fiance tried talking to his mom and she is unreasonable any time she is confronted. This whole situation has just been hurtful and I am getting fed up quickly. I saw her home reception list and she invited this girl from his hometown that I used to swim against we were friends when we were little, but somewhere along the ways he quit speaking to me and never speaks when we see her. I do not want to invite her and told them that and she got mad. This is a person who does not speak to me and they expect my family to pay for this person and her husband. Then she said we needed to compromise, well compromise is a word she likes to toss out there but her definition is "her way". Then she went off about how she does not want my fiance having his law school roommate in the wedding that she does not like him and can't stand to look at him...he is kind of a dufus, but likable. Fiance told her that this day is not really about what she wants it is about us and to be honest if she wants to act like that, his brother has been mean to me and I honsetly do not like the idea that he is his best man because I know he does not like me. This is all ridicluous, then if I tell my dad all of this stuff he will get really mad. I have been having migraines and I think my ulcer is returning. Things are just crazy here! Help

 

[Chrissie-riel]

Ouch - sounds like no fun! I used to be a wedding planner and stopped for two reasons - got tired of working every Saturday and couldn't stand the witchy moms of the bride and/or groom. They were always the biggest thorn in everyone's side! Why can't they understand that it is supposed to be their daughter/son's day and not their own! OK, enough venting. Let's help solve some problems.....first, it really is all about money. Whoever is paying for the event has some say in what is going to happen. If they want to be silly about the rehearsal, you'll have to pay for it yourself. (I know easier said than done.) For the wedding, did you guys split the list down the middle or into three? It usually works out better if 1/3 are from mom of bride, 1/3 are from mom of groom and 1/3 are from bride and groom friends and wedding party. It might be too late at this time to change your FMIL's target number, but worth a try. Oh, finally, find $40 TODAY and go to your local strip mall for a manicure and pedicure to ward off those migraines!

 

[allisonswonderland]

Thanks- I just got back from a spa in Phoenix- Our home reception location only holds 300, prior to us booking I asked everyone to make a list of everyone and list them by priority so we could easily make cuts depending on the location/number. Well the place holds 300 his mom has 200 on her list, my mom about 50, our list 140, which does not = 300. Both the disney and home reception they have invited more people than our family but my dad is paying for disney, and they expect my mom to foot the entire bill for the home recpetion. The rehearsal dinner should be their thing but they are having a fit....and want to include their opinion in EVERYTHING, not just what they are paying for. My dad has not said much on input and my mom has not either, just them....(my parents are divorced and do not speak). Also his parents are concerned about the price but his mom is insisting that everyone who attends the wedding attends the rehearsal. We do not really care! AAHHHH!!!

Honestly, you may be right about paying for the rehearsal dinner, but if that is the case then we have to cancel the home reception, because we can't afford an additional 10,000 which I think both together will equal. My mom does have some money for the reception but I do not want to break her as well, she said last night she would take out a loan. If I could just uninvite his parents, I think I would at this point! Help me

 

[smilie]

I've never been in your situation before (my in-laws were great about the wedding) but if this was my MIL2B, I would tell her that if she's not paying for the rehearsal dinner, then she has no say in who is invited. If you don't want to invite everyone who's invited to the wedding, then don't. In the end it's your decision and your big day, do what's going to make you happy. It's going to be stressful enough without having to worry about making her happy as well. Which, from the stories you're telling, is a pretty tough thing to do. Good luck with your wedding!

 

[Angelgirl13202]

Yes the rehersal should be thier thing if they are saying who ever is coming to the wedding should be at the rehersal make them foot the bill. True wedding etiqette says a rehersal dinner is for the parents and the wedding party(someone correct me if im wrong)

My in laws paid for ours but they also paid for the entire wedding. (different situation but my family didnt like anything we said we wanted and would only pay if they didnt have to travel) so we fixed it but fortunatly i married into a great family.

So really on words of wisdom just some pixie dust. oh and if thier not paying for the home reception why should they get more invites than your family who is? just a thought

 

[Chrissie-riel]

OK, so doing the math again....300 max for the reception divided by 3 gives you each 100. Since your mom only has 50, the extra 40 on your personal list can be accommodated within her 100. That leaves your fMIL with 110 to invite. Let her invite anyone on the list (even the swimming buddy you don't like anymore) as long as it keeps her number at 110. Also explain to your MIL the concept of A and B guest lists. Send out the invites to the A list with RSVP's due back really early. As someone from the A list declines, send out another invite from the B list. This is not an easy thing to do, nor will it be a fun discussion with the fMIL, but be strong, plan to work, and work your plan!

And, actually the only truly traditional thing the night before the wedding was the rehearsal - an opportunity for everyone in the bridal party to practice the ceremony before the big day. The rehearsal dinner was just a nice gesture, like "Hey, we're all together, and I want to spend some quality time with the bridal party, why don't we go to XYZ for dinner?" Unfortunately, with the explosion of destination weddings, it has become more customary to include the immediate family, bridal party and out of town guests (i.e. everyone at a destination) at the rehearsal dinner. Is there anything scaled down that you would be able to handle on a limited budget? Maybe at a restaurant with a pre-arranged menu? I know a lot of people have BBQ's at their home or beer and wine at a pizza joint. Can't do a backyard BBQ at Disney really, but think outside the box! Yeah, it's not as fancy as a true sit-down dinner, but if you are "fun" couple, your bridal party would probably love just having the time to hang out for WITH YOU, minus your BIL of course. HAHA

I was lucky enough to be in the bridal party of a DFTW ultra custom wedding. The rehearsal dinner was held on the GF beach for 250 ppl and EASILY cost 5 figures alone! Great for my girlfriend and those lucky enough to have that amount of money to spend, but we all know that most of us aren't able to do something as amazing as that!!

 

[PrincessMo]

Hi there.

I am sooo very sorry to hear about your situation. Why something that is supposed to be a happy & joyous occasion can make tensions flare and cause people to act immaturely or out of character is beyond me? I feel so bad for you. We had a basically care free wedding. My husband's father is dead so the only parent there to be involved in our wedding was his mother. She can definetly be a handleful. She did have nice things to say about the wedding, but she did not make a big fuss and she didn't even tell me that i looked nice. We only had 15 people attend and my parents paid for a little more than 1/2. My mother in law took care of the rehearsal dinner with no problems and actually seemed to enjoy it (we went to the Hoop De Doo). As a side note to anyone, i would DEFINETLY recommend the hoop de doo for a rehearsal dinner. It was a good choice for us because it wasn't formal and it was fun and relaxing. I am sure alot of people would like a more formal dinner but we were having a formal dinner the next night for the wedding, lets relax and have some fun.

Anyways, i digress...my mother in law finds some way constantly to say the wrong thing to me. She came to look at the pictures after the wedding for example, and did not like the pictures of her. To give you some background, she almost begged me to have her there for pictures with her son before the wedding. So, i arranged it gladly. Then she comes, sees the pictures, and tells me she hates having her photo taken, she doesn't take a nice picture....blah blah blah... I was so mad. That is just one small example, she was complaining the wedding day too...she is an absolute chronic complainer. I can't stand it personally, but her heart seems to mostly be in the right place so who am i to say something. However, sometimes, you have to speak up for yourself. I, like you it seems, are a nice person who takes everyones crap and hates confrontation. This is not a good way to be. My sister-in-law caused me pre-wedding problems too which i won't get into but i have let her talk to me like dirt for 3 years now. She is a very mean and nasty person and just like everyone else, i let her talk to me however she wants. NOT ANYMORE. That started before the wedding, and i am glad i spoke up to her. This did not give her any further opportunity to ruin my wedding.

So, what i am rambling about is...as much as you want to keep peace and be the bigger person, i don't know if that should always be the position you take with people who are rude and telling you how to do YOUR wedding. As selfish a thing as it may sound, it is yours & your fiance's day. Yes, the parents are extremely important, but not at the cost of the bride & groom. Nothing you are asking sounds unreasonable. We had a VERY limited budget and i have a big family. Only 15 people came. I have more cousins on my mothers side than that and most of them are married and some with kids too. The fact that you and your family are planning to offer to pay for people SHE wants to invite should be enough. 300 is ALOT of people. We were happy to have a small wedding because i think it eliminated some problems we could have run into as well. I would have liked to invite my family and some of his (he has a small family who doesn't really spend time together), but we couldn't and that aleviated some the stress that unfortunetly you now are going thru.

I wish i could be more help but having been through things like you are going through now all i can say is. Be kind, but firm. Ultimately, if they aren't paying, what can they do. The fact that there is talking-back to you and your future hubby about things they aren't paying for sounds rude to me. I feel for you and i know you don't want problems, but they have been presented to you...you didn't start them. You have every right to kindly speak up for yourself and i am sure your fiance will back you up.

Keep us posted, I do hope you get your dream wedding, and all the wonderful people here at the DIS will do what they can to help.

Take Care of Yourself & don't ever doubt yourself, if it feels right to you...
IT'S THE RIGHT THING!!

Have A Disney Day!!!

 

[twojo21]

you & your fiance need to put your foot down with his parents. unless theyre contributing to the rehearsal dinner they have no say in the event. as for the at home reception split the list in 3 & allow her 100 guests no more no less. this is your wedding day not hers.

my fils have been really great about the wedding & plans overall, im lucky.
were having a small rehearsal dinner for parents, us & wedding party only at the whispering canyon cafe for 13 which my fmil is paying for. then the next night were hosting a welcome dinner for our 50 guests at the rainforest cafe at dtd which will cost us about $2200.

 

[faeriegrl]

Just as an FYI-

We had our rehearsal dinner at the Macaroni Grill in Lake Buena Vista. It was a private room, 7 selections on the menu, all soda & water included for $15.99 a person. It was great!!

An option in case you wanted to cut down on the $3000

 

[allisonswonderland]

Thanks everyone- The back yard BBQ would be great, but that can't really happen at Disney...this seems to have exploded and my fh is very upset. The only thing they want to pay for is the rehearsal dinner, and they are mad at the cost, but want to invite all in attendence which will be around 65. My dad is paying for the Disney wedding which is the 15,000 min (we are Friday) and then my fh and mom are planning on paying for the reception at home that will hold 300. She is just not being reasonable and she has not called him today, she thinks that we are being selfish. She is bossy and tries to tell us what we are going to do, my fh usually does, I listen and then do what I want, but my parents did not raise me to be rude and hateful, but i am getting really close to that. I do not like confrontation, and I do not feel like I can fuss back to his parents, but I am just not sure what to do. I appreciate your words and all, I am just about at my wits end and I have a numb feeling.

She wants everything to be her way and she is just being unreasonable. I am afraid that she will ruin everything , she is ruining the first part of it. I mean she only has boys and I even invited her to go looking for wedding dresses. I just feel bewildered and like I am not really sure how to react or what to do........help

 

[Chrissie-riel]

Seriously, how can she argue out of both sides of her mouth?? She doesn't want to pay for the rehearsal but she insists that you invite everyone? You are gonna have to sit her down and explain things. Gather as many menus as you can that fit the size group that you have. I would include the GF or YC/BC catered events, some other Disney restaurants (although not many will OK a group of 65), local off-site properties like that Macaroni Grill or Red Lobster, etc., even a pizza party option. Present it to her nicely (we know you will) and let her choose one that she is willing to pay for. Remind her too that if she chooses a more affordable offsite location the bus/taxi fee to get everyone there will add to the cost. If she balks at it all, then just say "OK, your son and I will just plan something smaller for the 20 ppl in the bridal party at this XYZ location. We'll leave the rest of the menus here with you if you would like to invite the other 45 to dinner somewhere else." Maybe with a face to face meeting between all of you, she will admit to her "real" issues, whatever they may be! Good luck and here's wishing you a trip to

 

[princesslisa]

I am not planning my DFTW until sept of '07, but the Holidays brought about some stuff I guess I will have to look forward too.

I am 6'0" and I got a call from my FMIL the other day, that she took the liberty to set up an appt to meet my dress maker. I was like "WHAT!!??!" I wasn't even planning on looking until next year because I know my idea of the perfect dress will change a million times before then. She also insists that my DF oldest borther be invited, and she will gladly pay for him. Well that all well and good if my Df and his oldest brother had a relationship (hate is more like it), not to mention the oldest bro isn't exactly what you would call a model citizen.

I told my mother just a few things that the FMIL were saying over the holidays and how I was nervous of what will happen when it actually comes down to crunch time. My mother is a very "strong" woman and she was like "there is NO WAY, we are paying, we have the final say, and if she pressures you at all, tell her to call me"

My point is that your FMIL feels like she can walk all over you b/c you are in love with her son and she thinks you will do whatever to make him happy, so she feels that includes her as well. I would have one of your parents lay down the law, so to speak. They are her equal in some respects and are even "above" her in others (like the wedding). Your mother or father should have a chat with her and let her know where she stands (doesn't have to be mean or nasty, just firm and professional). Not to sound archaic, but a wedding is still your fathers investment in you and your DF, not just a free for all. I think if she is spoken too in this way, she will be embarrassed and might lay-off.

Good Luck ad hope everything works out for the best!!

 

[allisonswonderland]

Thanks again everyone....any other ideas would be appreciated. Right now we are just going to stay away from them as fh tried to call her back the night that she went off on him and she would not answer her phone...big baby! So we are going to let her call him, I am not sure what to do. We did get the price on the menu (for the rehearsal) we liked and the changes and I think we are going with it, because that is what we want, if she wants the cost trimmed she can trim the guests and that is where i stand!

It is funny b/c I said that she should have Mickey come to the rehearsal, I was thinking about the kids....she said no way it was too much (and I was half kidding when I said it), but I will guarantee that if her grandson asked if Mickey would be there, Mickey would be there. We are just kind of treated as second just like our poor children will be someday....it really stinks!

 

[LadyJanel]

Although I feel sorry for you, at least your fMIL probably won't show up to the wedding high on pot in a strapless sundress she found in her teenage daughter's closet and then proceed to shoot a bird at the camera in the family photos. On the bright side, that picture of her got me a nice second honeymoon in a contest for worst weddings.

BTW, have you talked to your fSIL that is married to the son with the favorite grandkids? She might have some tips on how she handled it with her wedding.

 

[allisonswonderland]

The fSIL is not playing with a full deck and they had both been married before so they had a small wedding family only that his parents did not mind paying for. You see fSIL is hateful to fMIL and MIL kisses her butt, I am nice and she can be a pain sometimes.... I think I need to be mean?

 

[disneyfreakk]

Let your fh deal with his mother. Have him explain how things are going to be, both before the wedding as well as after. If he doesnt do this then you might have major problems with her for the rest of your life. Trust me on this, my DH of almost 8 years finally had to tell his mother to stop being mean to me. ( yes, she was actually MEAN !!! ) It took him a couple of times to really get the point across, but ever since he took up for me she has been great. We are even taking his parents and our great nephew to disney world for a week next year.

Also, your fh might want to ask his mother what her budget is for the rehearsal and work within her budget. Many people have money situations that nobody is aware of. If she just refuses to pay for your rehearsal dinner then explain to her that your budget will only allow for his parents and your guest list. You dont have to go into detail about how many people/who you are inviting, its none of her buisness if she isnt paying.

good luck and please let us all know how it works out!

 

[PoohBear8481]

Who is going to be sending out the invitations you and your fiance or his parents? Point is if you guys are sending out the inviations why don't you just humor FMIL and let her think that she is getting her way. When it comes to the RSVP jsut tell her that those people you really don't want there never sent back to responce
I mean it is your big day. She already got married so why is she saying who she wants to invite?
About the rehersal dinner. My wedding package includes everything but the cake and pics, so we agreed that FDFIL is going to pay for the rehasal dinner as well as pics.
Don't stress yourself out about the number of people. I would invite who you really want to attend.