Friend in bad relationship...

[FSUDisneyGirl]

Hey all! I need some advice here...

One of my best friends from college got married about 2 years ago. She also has a 5 month old boy (I love him!!! ).

Things were going pretty well initially, but not so much now. My friend is working full-time while her husband watches the baby during the day, and does school work (he is trying to finish up his Bachelor's degree). However, he does nothing around the house all day long, and makes no extra effort with the baby. He'll watch the baby, and do school work, but not give the baby a bath, do laundry, dishes, clean the house, shop for groceries, etc. So my friend will come home after a full day of work, and he expects a "break" from the baby...so she will rush to do as much housework as possible, while watching the baby, making dinner, grocery shopping, etc. while he plays games on the computer.

If that was it, I would just say he was lazy and didn't understand what needed to be done. However, he has become really rude and demeaning to her as well. Silly things like she will ask what shirt to wear to meet his parents for dinner, and he will say "They both look bad." (Keep in mind she is trying to lose her baby weight and is self conscious about her body- and has told him that.) They got into a big argument when I was visiting a few weeks ago, and it ended with him telling her she was just stupid, and that was that. He will not apologize for anything he says. The latest strange thing was they got into a big argument, and she said "We shouldn't argue in front of the baby...this is stupid, I'll just leave so we can take a both take a break." She told him she was going over her parents house (about 10 minutes away). He told her that if she left with the baby, he would call the police and say that she kidnapped the baby and he was in danger. WHAT???!?! So she was stuck, not wanting to stay in the house with him but also not wanting to leave the baby with him, either. I'm actually a bit afraid of what he would have done if she tried to leave with the baby...

She called me last night really frustrated. He told her on Thursday night that his father was sick and in the hospital, and they needed to go see him IMMEDIATELY so he could help his father out. She took off work on Friday and packed everything up so they could go. Long story short, his father is FINE and rather than helping him out, he has spent the weekend getting drunk with his friends. Last night she interrupted him in the car on the way to dinner, which somehow led him to say "Maybe you just shouldn't come to dinner." So she spent the night in the hotel with the baby...that's when she called me to vent.

I think she deserves SOOOO much better than this. I think she is finally realizing it, judging by what she said last night. The problem is, she calls me to vent because she knows I won't judge him like her family does (they don't like him, and let her know!) and I will listen. I've told her that what he's doing is totally wrong ...however, I feel like at some point, as a good friend I need to tell her that he is worthless and she needs to get out of there. I don't know what to do or say without jeopardizing our friendship.

Has anyone out there been in this sort of relationship? What does my friend need/ want to hear? I'm trying, but this is all so new to me (she is one of my few married friends and the only one with a child, we've been out of college for about 2 years). I love her, and I want to help her however I can.

Thanks, guys!!!

 

[lttlmc3]

Wow, what a sticky situation. I would suggest marriage counceling.

 

[tasha99]

Well . . . he sounds like my ex-husband. It took me YEARS to disentangle myself from that relationship and by then we had three kids. I do not miss him one bit--he was poison to my life and I used to spend time every day crying in the bathroom.

I'm probably biased towards just getting out since counseling didn't improve my husband. Our counselor actually told me in private to start an escape account because some marriages were not worth saving. However, I can say that if she decides to try to work things out, I know for a fact that having more babies doesn't make things any better. A new baby is a temporary high in the relationship, and after it, you get all the problems you had before, plus a baby. Not that she's thinking of doing that, but I did (hence three children from one rotten marriage).

Also, she should watch for signs that his behavior is going beyond her. My ex started treating the kids like he treated me, and in the month that I caught him slapping our daughter, belittling our son and telling him he was stupid, and watching porn with our 2 year old in his lap, I decided that no matter what I thought of staying together for the children, there was no way he was a good influence on them.

Hope it's better for your friend, but for me, the only way things got better was leaving. Thankfully, my ex is bitter and stubborn--and formerly employed by the government. I get a child support check and a retirement check every month, and he never visits. He hasn't seen his two youngest kids in almost 9 years now. I remember when I first left him, he threatened me, and I had taped pepper spray up in hidden corners of every room in the house so I could defend myself if need be but not have to worry about having a gun near the kids. Thankfully, he was all talk.

 

[freckles and boo]

Verbal and emotional abuse usually escalates. You can help her by giving her information and providing support. Here is a place to start.

http://www.ndvh.org/

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I'm wondering if the husband might be depressed or resentful of the situation? Maybe he feels like he should be the one working full-time while his wife stays home with the baby? Of course, many men are staying home with the kids and he shouldn't feel badly about it. But maybe it's bothering him in some way. This doesn't excuse his abusive behavior toward her, but it might explain why he's changed so much since the wedding.

I would also suggest some sort of counseling. If the husband won't go, the wife should go on her own and lay the situation out for a professional. It will help her to see things more clearly and decide what she can do about it. She and the baby definitely shouldn't be in an environment with a man who is verbally and mentally abusive.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Say little, offer support, and tell her to seek help. You are not a counselor and she needs an objective perspective.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Well . . . he sounds like my ex-husband. It took me YEARS to disentangle myself from that relationship and by then we had three kids. I do not miss him one bit--he was poison to my life and I used to spend time every day crying in the bathroom.

I'm probably biased towards just getting out since counseling didn't improve my husband. Our counselor actually told me in private to start an escape account because some marriages were not worth saving. However, I can say that if she decides to try to work things out, I know for a fact that having more babies doesn't make things any better. A new baby is a temporary high in the relationship, and after it, you get all the problems you had before, plus a baby. Not that she's thinking of doing that, but I did (hence three children from one rotten marriage).

Also, she should watch for signs that his behavior is going beyond her. My ex started treating the kids like he treated me, and in the month that I caught him slapping our daughter, belittling our son and telling him he was stupid, and watching porn with our 2 year old in his lap, I decided that no matter what I thought of staying together for the children, there was no way he was a good influence on them.

Hope it's better for your friend, but for me, the only way things got better was leaving. Thankfully, my ex is bitter and stubborn--and formerly employed by the government. I get a child support check and a retirement check every month, and he never visits. He hasn't seen his two youngest kids in almost 9 years now. I remember when I first left him, he threatened me, and I had taped pepper spray up in hidden corners of every room in the house so I could defend myself if need be but not have to worry about having a gun near the kids. Thankfully, he was all talk.

Unfortunately, I agree with this post. I was also in a similar situation, and it did not get better, so I eventually got divorced. I wish I had got divorced soon, but, oh well.

Oh, and one of the methods my ex used to manipulate me was to threaten to take our children away (hmmm, I had forgotten about that). Once I took power over me, he lost power over me.

Good luck to your friend. She most likely needs friendly support, and to know that there is a way out.