Friend Getting Divorced need Advice

[DVC Sadie]

My friend just called and told me her husband asked for a divorce on Saturday and she doesn't know what to do. She told me he wants to get divorced because their 2 kids are now out of college and he doesn't feel they have anything in common any more. I told her to see a good lawyer and to get advice immediately but she thinks he will change his mind. She didn't see this coming and has devoted her entire life to her kids (2) and husband. I just don't know what to say and I'm afraid to offer too much advice or thoughts on this matter. Of course I will be here to support and comfort her. Any advice? BTW, she has called 3 times and wants to know what I think she should do.

 

[Christine]

I think your advice was excellent. Just be there for support now. Anything you say to "push" her toward reality could backfire on your friendship. Like if the guy really decides to change his mind. I would be very neutral but be there for her as he probably will actually go through this. It's really hard to believe that people have no idea.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Keep on keeping on for now....tell her to get a good lawyer, she has to protect herself. If he has been planning this his ducks are in a row, which could be bad news for her. Let's hope not.

Generally people are in denial and afraid to take responsibility for their part of the marriage so it is easy to say, didn't see it coming because then they don't have to look at it. So it sounds as if she is not ready to "look at it". She will....give her time. Brain can only handle so much, I think. Most important thing is to get your legal affairs in order.

Give support and comfort for now. When a husband asks for a divorce like that it probably means he has found someone else.
Hopefully not, but it really sounds like it.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

I think there is a valuable lesson in there for those of us who stay home and take care of our families without ever demanding time for ourselves.

Tell her to pick herself up and go to the salon. Get a great new hairdo, a manicure and pedicure, and maybe even a massage. Then she should head on over to get her makeup done and buy a new outfit...all with his credit cards, of course...

Then she needs to join a gym.

The point here is that there is precious little time in life available to waste waiting for people to change their minds. If he doesn't love her anymore, she needs to pick herself up, dust off, and get started looking for someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved.

If something does happen and the husband changes his mind, then she should be skeptical. Then he should have to work to earn her love. In the meantime, she should keep the anger and bitterness at bay as much as possible...and focus on learning to love herself!

 

[Chicago526]

She needs to protect herself financialy. She needs records (including balances) of EVERYTHING in their joint names, all debts (credit cards, house and car loans) and assets (house, investments, retirement accounts). She needs to be sure he isn't running up debt in their names (or only her name), she'll be liable for it even after the divorce. She needs to get a credit card in her own name if she doesn't already have one, and after that see if she can put a block or fraud aleart on her credit report so no new accounts can be opened in her name.

She can do all this at the same time she tries to talk with DH to see what's going on. He could just be having a mid-life crisis, they could both just be stuck in a rut (if the kids are out of college, I'd guess they've been married 25 years or so, that's a long time!). They may just need counseling. Meanwhile, she needs to protect herself incase the marriage is beyond saving. My friend's parents got divorced and he did a number on my friend's mother financially, and the same thing happened to my co-worker, her ex open up dozens of accounts in her name (he had her SS #) and she got stuck paying them.

Hopefully he just wants out of the marriage and will treat her fairly, but it's just too big of a chance to take!

 

[EthansMom]

My advice would be to (1) get a good lawyer who will fight to protect your friend's interests (house, retirement acts, etc.), (2) make copies of all financial paperwork before the husband starts moving any money, and (3) it might be worth it to hire a P.I. if your friend thinks the husband might be having an affair.

With the kids out of the house, at least there won't be any child support issues. But since they've been married long-term, your friend deserves 1/2 of all assets (half of his retirement and/or pension, half of the house equity, half of all monies, etc.) and she needs to make sure that she gets them. (Can't tell you how many divorces I've seen where the wife is willing to take whatever the husband thinks she's worth.)

Now, if the husband is already willing to agree to splitting half of all assets, then your friend could obtain a divorce for much less money/hassle by going to divorce mediation.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Thanks everyone! The biggest problem is her husband is also a friend of ours and we don't want to get in the middle. KWIM? I did tell her to seek out a lawyer ASAP and to start taking care of herself by going to the gym and getting her hair done etc. I gently asked her if she saw this coming and she said, "No". She is the kind of friend that rarely ever went anywhere without her children and only for an hour or two. We always included her to go out with us to the movies, girl nights out and even to go the beach with just girls for 3days and she never would and now I do feel so sorry for her because she is going through all of this. Her husband is not a bad guy and according to others does not have anyone else. My dh told me he saw this coming a long time ago. Wow, I never thought he paid much attention. Thanks again for all of the good advice and if you can think of anything I've overlooked please let me know.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki wrote:

If he doesn't love her anymore, she needs to pick herself up, dust off, and get started looking for someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved.


First, and foremost, she needs some time to herself. Then, when she is a strong, independent woman she can, if she decides she wants to, persue another relationship!

TC