Freaking out..sort of need advice please

[Mickeyistheman]

Hello all....Advice needed please.

I worked for 10 years in a job that I absolutely loved, didn't get paid what I should have and put up with alot from my boss. He and I are close in age and when he started his business it was the 2 of us for about 4 years and then we merged with another company and there were more of us but we had a very strong bond and we really worked well together. Threw out ideas etc. We were on the same page.

He admitted to me one day that he was Bi, which I was shocked but happy he felt he could confide in me. However, he asked that I not let anyone in our office know even his partner. Everyone would always ask me because they had a feeling and I denied it and even told a few white lies to distract them as best as I could. I had never told anyone.

So 10 years go by and we were doing well and I had been asking for a raise the last 3 of those years. I was the top seller every year, hitting my goal and then some and was not getting any appreciation. I put up with it even though everyone said I should leave him b/c he was taking advantage and he was.

Finally it was getting ridiculous where I could not even speak with him, had to have emergency surgery and he didn't even wish me luck.

Anyway, found another job which was abnout $10,000 more dollars and more comm then he ever offered me. So I left, I cried and was sad. He was upset with me but I had explained it was a business choice and it was nothing personal. He stopped speaking to me and cut all contact. When I got laid off in November he contacted me and sort of said "I told you so" I still held my ground that leaving him was the best option for me at that time and wished him the best.

Today I got an email from him that said:

You popped into my mind recently. What have you been up to? Care to have lunch?

I was shocked and a little happy to hear from him.

What should I do?

 

[JessicaR]

Why are you freaking out over this? Do you want to see him or have you been happier w/o having had a relationship (professional/friend) lately?

I would not have been happy if someone treated me w/o respect as this person did to you originally but people can change.

Its only lunch. Just remember as he did in the past that this lunch could be another, "told you so moment." But maybe not!

 

[teacups]

Do you think he is going to offer your job back? Do you need it?

 

[sbell111]

... What should I do?

Go eat lunch. Maintaining professional relationships is important, especially when you are unemployed.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Well, the thing is I know that he is looking for help. His business has not been doing well BUT it could be because he does not have the right people working for him. I LOVED LOVED LOVED my job and it was hard to leave but he didn't want to give me a raise so I had to leave. It was not easy for me.

I NEED a job and I hate to say that I am desperate. He may have changed he may not have BUT if he is willing to eat his pride then so am I.

I am just nervous because I have not seen him in 2 years and I would like to see him. He also could want to see me because business is really bad and he has no one to talk to that would understand and even though he was not nice to me, he could have just been going through something at the time and maybe he knew I was going to leave?

 

[Nancyg56]

Have lunch. You should not share that you need a job, if he asks tell him you were prepared so you are comfortable. Do not discuss your finances at all.

See what he has to say, you never know what he needs or what you can negotiate now that he needs you rather than wants you in the office.

 

[DrCavin]

I would go to lunch, but I wouldnt get upset if he didnt offer a job.

 

[Mom2Nick]

What is there to freak out about? If you would like to see him - go to lunch. If not then just decline his offer or ignore the email.

 

[OctMtnWoods]

Go have lunch. If he's offering you a job, and he needs you, then he's going to learn and hopefully has learned that he needs to treat you a certain way or you are capable of leaving again. You sort of have the advantage now in future negotiations.

I used it once to get a raise.

 

[mrs_hower726]

You said in your original post that you were happy to hear from him so my advice is to go have lunch with him. Best case scenario, you could end up with a job or a good reference in your job search. Worst case scenario, he's still a schmuck and afterwards you write him off.

 

[Pakey]

Sounds to me like you could use the job, or at the very least, the professional connection. I would definitely go.

 

[sbell111]

What does the fact that he's bi have to do with this thread?

 

[JessicaR]

What does the fact that he's bi have to do with this thread?

I was just re-reading the OP and wondered the same thing. I also wonder if the OPer has an interest in this person beyond a possible job. Maybe that would make more sense why he/she is freaking out.

Just speculating!

 

[mikehn]

It seems to me like you both need each other

 

[Pumbaa_]

when you are unemployed, it is all about networking!

This is a former employer, what a great opportunity to get out there, network, see if he has anything available or if he knows anyone hiring

This is not personal, this is not an old flame, this is an employer! Heck yeah you should go and you should dress as if it was an interview

keep it to lunch (rather than dinner and drinks if you can) and sell yourself for all you are worth. this is a good opportunity for you, grab it!

 

[Philagoofy]

What does the fact that he's bi have to do with this thread?

Probably mentioned it here to show how the boss confided in Mickeystheman more than anyone else in the office, how MTM is not just a regular employee.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I'm sorry let me explain the reason why I mentioned he is Bi:

He had come out to me and explained why etc. and asked that I not tell anyone and of course I didn't. However, he had started dating a man and asked me to cover up for him, which I did. This went on for 4 years. He started a Gay night and asked me to be the Lady at the door which he would pay me for and of course again I said sure! He then decided to tell the whole office that he was doing this "thing" at a local club.

So everyone had asked me what it was about and I had to lie AGAIN. I felt that he put me in a very difficult situation that I had to lie and make up stories for him.

However if I EVER called out sick or was going on vacation he gave me an attitide and didn't speak to me. Come on grow up.

I had NO feelings for him whatsoever in that way. He is not attractive IMO.

We were friends outside of work, but he could not leave that at the door. That was our biggest problem. I would go in for a meeting and then he would tell me about what he did the night before. No offense, I don't need to know that or wait till lunch and then tell me. That started to become an issue so when I distanced myself he got more attitude with me.

Then right before my 10 year anniversary with the company I needed to have emergency surgery and get my tonsils out. I no longer had any vacation left for the year and I had told him that I was able to make the surgery the day before Thanksgiving, so that way the 2 week recovery period which was required by my Dr. would not be that many days out of work. This was in September he did not speak to me till after I came back to work in December from my surgery.

I had gone above and beyond for him and the one time where I needed a friend he was not there for me and as an employer he was 10 times worse. You are 37 years old Grow up.

I am meeting him for lunch, he actually wants to meet tonight and at a Starbucks now instead. I will update you all and let you know what happens.

I am being positive about it, but at the same time, I am not going to be taken advantage of either. He needs me more than I need him at the moment.

 

[rowbear]

November was quite some time ago. I do not believe in holding grudges because they don't do anyone any good. I think if he were wanting to insult further you he would have done it by email again.

I would not expect a job offer necessarily and it is doubtful you will get an apology. In my experience waiting for or demanding apologies just keeps an obstacle in the path of forward progress. If he wants to act like it never happened I would let it go and play along. I know there is a fine line between being the bigger man and being a doormat and what he said was rude and nasty but it is not the end of the world. If he, in fact, offers you a job you need to fight the more important battle of getting a proper salary and benefits. In other words, pick your battles. Which is more important long term, an apology or getting a decent salary if offered?

There is a good chance this is a feel you out lunch and if he needs help, depending on how this lunch goes, a job offer may be coming.

 

[rowbear]

We were friends outside of work, but he could not leave that at the door. That was our biggest problem. I would go in for a meeting and then he would tell me about what he did the night before. No offense, I don't need to know that or wait till lunch and then tell me. That started to become an issue so when I distanced myself he got more attitude with me.

Sorry but if you are friends with an unprofessional boss this is part of the territory. I, also, feel very uncomfortable with personal discussions at work but you worked for him and as long as it is not sexual harassment in some way he gets to decide what is discussed at meetings.

I have had bosses in the past that treated you like kings of the world when you worked extra hours for free and a peasant if you dared take time off. I always have the loyalty works both ways speech with them and tell them their behavior is unacceptable. I deserve that time and they should not give me grief over it. I do this is a respectful manner but I make sure they know I am serious.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I am not looking for an apology just the sheer fact that he contacted me first says alot about him. I have put what happened between us in the past. The question is CAN he?

I also don't know if he is going to offer me a job. My mother of course is thrilled and says be positive. I am BUT I am also a realist and he just might be closing the doors and if he is he wants to talk with me about it since I was with him from the beginning.

Either way he wants to get together and catch up. Now he wants to meet at Starbucks instead, but I replied hours ago that would be fine, when and where. I have not yet heard back. I would much rather meet next week for lunch instead of a friday night but its fine.

IF he does offer me a job then yes I will be paid what I am worth (within reason) we are in a recession so I am well aware.