Fozzie Bear's Comedy Lounge Thread

[cassi06403]

..had to come share this pic I came across..

The heading was "If one look could kill..."

 

[cassi06403]

If one look could kill a thread, that is...

I don't think anyone has anymore jokes, Fozzie...

 

[Bunchkin]

Hi all!! I love FOZZIE BEAR!!!

I thought I'd jump in with some Redneck Jokes!!

You might be a Redneck if.....

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive
a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

If you can burp and say your name at the same time,
you're shur'nuff a redneck.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..."

 

[cassi06403]

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyl*****?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

 

[cassi06403]

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyl*****?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Oy... talk about ruining a joke.... **'d out word is "Monosyll ab ia"

 

[Mrs.Toad]

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

OK, I was literally laughing out loud at that one, and I don't do that too often on the internet!

My favorite jokes would get me banned from the DIS, but here are a couple I like:


Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam"!


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which made his feet thick and hard. He ate very little, which made him rather frail and delicate. He was also a very spritual man. His odd diet caused him to suffer from bad breath.

This is how he became known as a...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


At a religious school, some snacks were laid out for the children. The was a large bowl of shiny apples and before it, a note that read, "Take ONE, God is watching." Further along the table was a large plate of cookies. Before it, was a note in a child's scribble that read "Take as many as you want, God is watching the apples."

 

[disallday!]

I heard a really great joke yesterday, but I can't even remember it! I never tell good jokes! I am comedically challenged

 

[lindakmonty]

L. Thornton... location Castaway Cay!!! Is that physically or mentally??? I'm there mentally quite often !!! That place is heaven!!! I wish I could walk up to Cookies right now!!!

Ok, back to the jokes...love the redneck ones!!!


Redneck Medical Terms

Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by

 

[disallday!]

OMG.... that is soo funny! DH luvs redneck jokes, i've got to print those for him

BTW... CC is in the mind for now!(Cookies and hammocks too!)

 

[cassi06403]

Love the "Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

Mary Poppins is one of my Favorites!

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

 

[cassi06403]

Okay people - I need a good - who's got a good joke?