Fozzie Bear's Comedy Lounge Thread

[cassi06403]

I'm looking for jokes to post and sure enough I'm finding some really funny ones - the bad part is they have language and topic matters that can't be posted in the DIS!

 

[babytrees]

Loving this thread!!

Thanks for the

 

[cassi06403]

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

 

[lyzziesmom]

psssst.... blond refers to a guy, blonde refers to a girl.

 

[lindakmonty]

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked
his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I
please?"

The father answered immediately, "Son, I don't know. No man
has lived that long yet."


Did you hear about the woman whose ultimate fantasy is to
have two men at once?

One cooking and the other cleaning.


Pick-Up Line -


Q: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

A: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by
again?


Man: "Oh! baby are you hurt?"

Woman: "No, Why?"

Man: "It's a long fall from Heaven."


"Your name must be VISA because you're everywhere I want to
be."


Man: God must be crying right now ...

Woman: Why?

Man: Because he just lost an angel...


guys....please oh please oh please do NOT use these pick up lines !!!!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thought I'd stop in for a quick drink...will post a joke later when I think of one (or look up one on the internet).

 

[Southern4sure]

Thought I'd stop in for a quick drink...will post a joke later when I think of one (or look up one on the internet).

Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.


There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina
Doing only the breast stroke
The only three women who entered the race was a brunette
a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the blonde staggered up to the shore
She was declared the fastest breast stroker

About 40 minutes laterm the redhead crawled to the shore and was declared
second place finisher

Nearly 4 hours later, the brunette finally came ashore
and collasped in front of the worried spectators

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race

She replied,
I dont want to sound like Im a sore loser
but I think those two other girls were using their arms!

 

[Stitch Inside]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the
first time, you can
walk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money,
they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not
quite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they
usually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first
sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already
taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely
small.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw they
lose interest.
.... Love the parking spots one!!!

 

[cassi06403]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Love that one! I'll try to post a few more later!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

OK, here's one.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

[TTFN]

Mr. Smith was getting really tired of his beautiful but bubble headed blonde wife. He decided to concoct the perfect murder, collect on her life insurance, and live comfortably the rest of his life. The following week, while home alone, the blonde drowned in the swimming pool. Mr. Smith acted appropriately distraught, but was arrested for murder. "How can you suspect me? I was at work and she was at home alone!" "Well, sir", said the detective "someone had to put the mirror in the bottom of the pool!"

 

[cassi06403]

Good morning - Hope everyone had a good weekend...

I'm so glad we have such a funny bunch here on the DIS!

Here's yet another blonde joke to start the week off...

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

 

[TheDisneyTraveler06]

Good morning - Hope everyone had a good weekend...

I'm so glad we have such a funny bunch here on the DIS!

Here's yet another blonde joke to start the week off...

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

I SO do not get it... Anyone care to explain it? LOL I can be blonde sometimes... This is one of those times!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I SO do not get it... Anyone care to explain it? LOL I can be blonde sometimes... This is one of those times!

The mechanic made her car now have low mileage so she can keep it for much longer.

 

[cassi06403]

I SO do not get it... Anyone care to explain it? LOL I can be blonde sometimes... This is one of those times!

No worries - it happens to the best of us!

 

[lindakmonty]

love the jokes!!! wish I could reverse the mileage on my car too...too bad it doesn't reverse the wear on the motor and everything too!!!

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks"! The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks"! The third blonde said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing 10 mins. later when a train hit them!'

 

[TheDisneyTraveler06]

The mechanic made her car now have low mileage so she can keep it for much longer.

OOOOHHHH! HAHAH! That's funny!!

 

[TheDisneyTraveler06]

love the jokes!!! wish I could reverse the mileage on my car too...too bad it doesn't reverse the wear on the motor and everything too!!!

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks"! The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks"! The third blonde said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing 10 mins. later when a train hit them!'

I get that one! Funny, too!

 

[cassi06403]

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."