Fozzie Bear's Comedy Lounge Thread

[Southern4sure]

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

 

[harleyquinn]

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Oh! I didn't even see the blondeness coming!! Nice!

 

[cassi06403]

"GREEN SIDE UP!"

I actually LOL'd.

I looked it up - Blonde can be spelled either way... probably to keep things easy on us!

 

[lindakmonty]

drink... well it is Friday... long island iced tea?



Q. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."



Q. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the car door.



Q. Why did the dum blond keep failing her driver's test?
A. Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"




What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

 

[cassi06403]

drink... well it is Friday... long island iced tea?

Here you go! Those we're hysterical!

 

[TTFN]

Okay, let's step away from the blonde jokes:

Why do the Irish carry shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?





'Cause real rocks are too heavy!

 

[cassi06403]

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

 

[cassi06403]

Okay, let's step away from the blonde jokes:

Why do the Irish carry shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?





'Cause real rocks are too heavy!

Good one! It's hard to step away from the blonde jokes - there are so many hysterical ones! Can I pour you a drink?

 

[Southern4sure]

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.

Q: Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

 

[Stitch Inside]

A blonde goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.

All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a
seven-ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost
some how and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked.

"My 1999 Chevrolet."

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

The clerk asks, "What does it do?"

"I don't know, but its always been there."

By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad
and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer
carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the
center she writes "710."

The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing
upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks
to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.

"That's it!" the lady says. "How much?"

"It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back
often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."

 

[Southern4sure]

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

 

[lindakmonty]

Here you go! Those we're hysterical!

Ahhh thank you. I'll make that my annual long island




Top Ten Ways Y2K Affected Disney World

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
9. Messed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups.



THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY DISNEY OBSESSION
10. You know how many hairs are on the leg of the drunken pirate sitting on the bridge.
9. You have more Disney movies than Blockbuster.
8. Your favorite song is "Zippity-Doo-Dah".
7. When you hear people talking about "the underprivileged", you assume they are referring to those who have to stay off-site.
6. You refer to Wal-Mart and McDonald's employees as "cast members".
5. You've added spires and turrets to the roof of your house.
4. You tried to pay your electric bill with Disney Dollars.
3. Your children's names are Ariel and Alladin.
2. You pray that nobody will ever discover your dirty little secret: That you sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, logon to the internet, and drool over online pictures of WDW.
1. You're reading this.

 

[TTFN]

No drinks for me...I'm on my way back to work!

Did you hear about the dyslexic blues guitarist? He went down the to crossroads at midnight and sold his soul to (wait for it.....)


Santa.

 

[cassi06403]

You guys are too funny!

Fozzie's checking in with us again!

Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chili dog. Wocka Wocka Wocka!

 

[SwedishMeatball]

A blonde goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.

All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a
seven-ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost
some how and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked.

"My 1999 Chevrolet."

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

The clerk asks, "What does it do?"

"I don't know, but its always been there."

By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad
and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer
carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the
center she writes "710."

The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing
upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks
to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.

"That's it!" the lady says. "How much?"

"It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back
often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."

Whateva That is an honest mistake.

 

[lindakmonty]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."



Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."
Doctor: "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these disney spells?"





The dumbest questions ever asked to Cast Members



· What time is the 3:00 parade?
· What time will it stop raining?
· Why is it raining?
· Is the wait really 15 minutes, or are you trying to trick us?
· How do I get to Magic Mountain?
· How much extra do you get paid for smiling?



At the Disney-MGM Studios:
. How come there aren't any rides here?
. Where do they show all the movies?
. Where is the Castle?
. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?



At the Hollywood Tower of Terror:
. Is it a real hotel? How much does it cost to stay there?
. This is just a simulator, right? We didn't really fall, did we?
. Was that the real MGM Studios we saw when those doors opened, or a model?
. I just ate, like, food, you know. Will I be okay?
. What is this ride really like? What happens? Are those real people in there?



GUEST: I just want to take my grandson to Disney World. I don't want to go to Epcot or anything. Just Disney World.
CM: Well, Disney World is the name of the whole resort. I believe the park you're thinking of is the Magic Kingdom.
GUEST: No, I don't want to go to the Magic Kingdom. I just want to go to Disney World.
CM: You mean the park with the castle, right?
GUEST: Yeah, Disney World
CM: Yes, ma'am, that's the....yes, that's Disney World. We sell four-day hoppers, five-day hoppers....

 

[cassi06403]

Those questions are too much! Our world is really becoming a scary place!

 

[Princess Mindy]

There were three guys who found a genie's lamp. The genie says "I will give each of you one wish". The first guy says "I wish to be 10 times smarter". POOF the genie grants his wish
The second guy says "I want to be 20 times smarter"
POOF the genie grants his wish
The third guy, not to be outdone, says "I wish to be 100 times smarter!"
POOF!



He is turned into a woman!

 

[cassi06403]

There were three guys who found a genie's lamp. The genie says "I will give each of you one wish". The first guy says "I wish to be 10 times smarter". POOF the genie grants his wish
The second guy says "I want to be 20 times smarter"
POOF the genie grants his wish
The third guy, not to be outdone, says "I wish to be 100 times smarter!"
POOF!



He is turned into a woman!

 

[lindakmonty]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a
diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see
you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."



MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the
first time, you can
walk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money,
they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not
quite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they
usually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first
sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already
taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely
small.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw they
lose interest.
.... Love the parking spots one!!!