For those with adoptive and biological children...

[islandbabe]

I'm not sure what I can add here. I do not have any biological children after many years of trying and a long and painful fertility program. But, two and a half years ago we adopted a two and three year old brother and sister from Russia. We are so in love with these kids, they were meant to be in our family. I'm sure that it was God's plan that I wouldn't get pregnant. I'm glad he (or she) knew what they were doing because my children were waiting for me half way around the world.

There is something so special about these kids. They are survivors. They are blessed by this opportunity. We are blessed by their presence and love. We have a whole other country and culture to embrace. It makes the world a smaller place. It feels right.

I warn you, as rewarding as it is, international adoption is not for the faint of heart. It's painful, it's expensive, and it's risky. But the payoff is FOREVER. Throughout the process we met lots of people with blended biological and adopted families that all felt a "calling" to form their families in this way.

I guess all I wanted to say was to listen to your heart as well as your head. You will make the right decision for your family.

If you have any questions about the process in Russia I would be happy to share more with you. I wish you all the best.

 

[Folklore]

I am a bio child with an older brother and sister who were adopted. My parents were told that they couldn't have children so they adopted my brother and sister and were surprised when I came along when my brother was 12 and my sister was 10.

We may not be related by blood but they are my brother and sister. We are and always have been treated the same by my parents.

The main issues we have had are with other people and their innocent remarks that they don't realize are hurtful to children. For example, when I was little, distant relatives visiting from out of town would comment on which relative I looked like. This bothered my sister a lot. My mom was told when I was born that she was now a 'real' mother and my aging grandma referred to me as her 'real' grandchild even though she loved my brother and sister to death.

I guess my point is that how well this situation works is how it is defined by your immediate family. My brother and sister will always be there for me and I will always be there for them no matter what.

 

[livndisney]

I am a bio child with an older brother and sister who were adopted. My parents were told that they couldn't have children so they adopted my brother and sister and were surprised when I came along when my brother was 12 and my sister was 10.

We may not be related by blood but they are my brother and sister. We are and always have been treated the same by my parents.

The main issues we have had are with other people and their innocent remarks that they don't realize are hurtful to children. For example, when I was little, distant relatives visiting from out of town would comment on which relative I looked like. This bothered my sister a lot. My mom was told when I was born that she was now a 'real' mother and my aging grandma referred to me as her 'real' grandchild even though she loved my brother and sister to death.


I had to smile at this....
I adopted my DD and my family is forever saying how much she looks like me when I was little LOL

 

[skoi]

We have two biological children (dd 13, ds 9) and two adopted children (dd and ds both 3). Our bio kids have adapted pretty well. Ds 9 is having more issues with the second adoption (ds 3) than he did with his sister. He wanted a brother closer to his age, and little sister has been taking out her jealousy on him, but it's a pretty normal jealousy.

Our youngest has just been home short of two months. He was born with cleft palate and lip, and doesn't speak (even Chinese) and will need some surgeries and a lot of speech therapy, so we have another set of issues to deal with. Both the adopted sibs have adjusted well.

If you have more question, feel free to pm me.

Julie

 

[DVCJEN]

International Adoption is extremely difficult - emotionally! Our lives just seemed to stop when our adoption started going bad. My recommendation is that you get onto the Adoption Agency Research Group on yahoo and make sure you are not signing with a horrible agency. We will never forget the emotional abuse we endured from our agency.

Not all IA are difficult. Everyone's experience is different. OP I would suggest you do plenty of research, there are many, many great resources out there.

 

[crisi]

We have a homemade "surprise" and an import. We have two sets of friends also with one bio and one adopted.

First is not to worry too much about the adopted kid being "yours" - they almost certainly will be. There are sad exceptions to every story, but everyone I know simply is amazed how much their adopted child immediately belongs to them - God, fate, chance or just "this is my kid now."

Mine are only 13 months apart and get along as well as any two siblings do. There aren't issues in our household that are "adoption" issues - there are issues that are kid issues.

I will say that my views on my children are different. My bio daughter can quickly drive me crazy because so many of her annoying traits are straight from me, or my husband. Things you hate about yourself are reflected back to you in your kids, and sometimes I just want to scream "please, get it together, I know exactly how hard its going to be to be this disorganized or daydreamy!!!!" Similarly, there is something special about having your favorite traits reflected back at you. My adopted son, he doesn't have that baggage. His faults and his talents are his own - without expectations. Frankly, in our house, I think he's got it easier. One of my girlfriends has a son (bio) just like her in a lot of positive ways (and a few negative ones), and an adopted daughter that is alien to her in how she thinks and behaves. The bio family is introverted thinkers. The daughter is an extroverted athelete. She is adored and loved - but not always easily understood. Not that the odd duck doesn't occationally happen in bio families, but in her family her daughter has it tougher. My other girlfriend has a bio son who is her husband's Mini-me. Her adopted daughter is her Mini-me - its actually kind of scary how much they are alike, they look alike and act alike. Bio kids are obviously different from each other as well, but with one bio and one adopted, the differences between children, and your reaction to those differences seems magnified.

 

[skoi]

Mine are only 13 months apart and get along as well as any two siblings do. There aren't issues in our household that are "adoption" issues - there are issues that are kid issues.

Exactly. When I read adoptive parent lists and boards, I often come away with the feeling that many of the issues are just kid issues, especially when I saw the same with my bio kids.

As for international adoptions going bad- we had a horrible experience and would be glad to share the info about agency, program, etc with anyone interested- just pm. We did a lot of research and chose what was considered to be one of the most reputable agencies with that particular program, and it turned out to be a disaster along the lines of what you hear about with the shifty agencies who end up being forced to close down. Once we spoke up, we found other families with similar (and worse) experiences. We did have two successful IA's, one before and one after our disaster.

 

[TheRatPack]

I have 2 bio and 3 adopted While I'll say that adopting older kids through the US foster system was not easy....we're glad we did it. One of them has some attachment issues....which from what I've read is pretty typical due to how many times they are moved here and there....but again, I'm glad they are here and I pray one day they are glad they are here too LOL

edited to add a hello to skoi another homeschooler aren't you? So neat...we're both adopted parents and homeschoolers

 

[SandrainNC]

We have one biological child (oldest) and our youngest is from Korea. They are still young (and my oldest has special needs), so there have been no issues except regular sibling issues (pushing and stealing toys).

Like others have said, research research research. Get on boards like the DIS and talk to people who have used the agencies. We had a very nice adoption experience.

Sandra

 

[momtwo4]

Dh and I built our family thru adoption and homegrown children. Our children are now 8, 8, 4, 2. Adoption is a wonderful way to build your family, I would love to adopt again someday.
Our children are siblings, plain and simple. They don't see eachother any other way, they love eachother like crazy and the next minute they are bugging eachother like all siblings do
Best of luck in your decision and your journey to build your family

 

[Aliceacc]

Not all IA are difficult. Everyone's experience is different. OP I would suggest you do plenty of research, there are many, many great resources out there.

I agree. Ours was incredibly easy-- no surprises, no difficulties. It took just under a year from the time we walked into the adoption agency until Brian arrived at JFK.

I think a LOT depends on working with a reputable agency. As I said, ours was amazing!!!

 

[huey duey & luey]

I am also the sibling of adopted twins. We are 4 1/2 years apart. Growing up, I agree we had typical sibling issues bot adoptive issues. Also one of my sisters got marrie early and had her kids earlier, my other sister and I got married within a year of eachother and our children are much closer in age. WE are so close now, coser than she is even with her twin. We live 10 minutes apart and do a lot of things together. I am so thankful for my parents that I have my sisters

 

[mommy4]

Hi!! It is absolutely wonderful that you are considering adoption!!
We have 3 bio. boys (7, 4 1/2, 3) and we adopted a little girl from Ethiopia (15 months- home September 2007).
The boys are wonderful with their sister and she is truly just a part of the family now. We did have to explain some of the different racial issues to our oldest son, but he took it in stride and seems to enjoy telling other people about it.
If adoption is in your heart , find a way! There are so many children waiting for a good home all over the world. Ethiopia alone has millions of children just waiting!
We are hoping to adopt again some day!
Good luck!

 

[camdensmom]

Thanks again for all of your wonderful replies!

Can anyone recommend message boards that are specific to having both adoptive and biological children? Thanks in advance!

 

[luv2tvl]

Add us to the list of growing our family through adoption. I was adopted myself and after struggling for years with infertility it seemed like the natural next step.
We did a domestic open adoption and it has been interesting dealing with the "open" party, but hands down the best thing we've ever done. She's the light of my life!

 

[crisi]

I agree. Ours was incredibly easy-- no surprises, no difficulties. It took just under a year from the time we walked into the adoption agency until Brian arrived at JFK.

I think a LOT depends on working with a reputable agency. As I said, ours was amazing!!!

I think I have one of the shortest international adoptions on record. Korea, 1998 - glut of boy babies due to the collapse of the Korean economy - an sudden increase to quota.

We applied in September. Went to class in October, had our homestudy in November, finished the homestudy Thursday afternoon, had the referral Monday morning (the only reason it took that long is that the program coordinator was out of the office Thursday afternoon by the time the social worker got back, and out of the office on vacation on Friday). We did get caught in quota, but we had him home in March - six months from application to child.

I followed this with a six month pregnancy - believing I wasn't fertile, we sort of missed most of the first trimester and then had a baby born three weeks early.

Reputable agency and reputable country - a lot of countries simply have LONG programs and are guilty of a lot of bait and switch.

 

[DisneyTigers]

I echo that choosing the right agency is KEY to a smooth adoption. We started our homestudy in Sept, finished in Oct, adoption looked indefinitely on hold with that agency (not entirely the agency's fault), so we switched agencies in March, got our referral in May and went on our first trip to Russia, and home with our son after our court trip to Russia in July. Ten months start to finish, and I credit our agency and their experience, professionalism and efficiency with that.

If anyone out there is considering adoption, especially from overseas, it is imperative that you do your homework and talk to people who have completed adoptions with the agency you are considering w/in the last few months - not years. Things can change so rapidly in the foreign adoption arena that what was true for someone a year ago may be vastly different today.

 

[wildfan1473]

We do not have bio children, but we are parents to 2 boys we adopted from Russia just over 2 years ago, ages 20 months and 4y2m at the time. It was a long, emotional and political process to complete the process, however I would not give up my boys for the world. They now keep asking when we are going back for their "sister". They boys are not biologically related, yet you would never know it with the way they act. We went through alot of sensory and language issues with our oldest, but as a previous poster said, lots of OT and speech therapy has been wonderful. It's been a ton of work, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. Our family has been wonderfully supportive, and the older cousins adore the boys.

I agree with everyone else who has said if you are considering IA, please RESEARCH! Some great message boards are adoption.com, and, if considering Russia, FRUA.com. There are also an overwhelming number of Yahoo groups available. I am also more than willing to share more information, just send me a PM.

 

[KimS2]

First of all... congratulations on considering adoption!! It is the most amazing adventure!!

We have 3 boys and all 3 were adopted domestically! Our family has been so blessed to get to bring 3 healthy newborns home from the hospital!

Our boys are 8, 5, and 4 now. We are waiting on our daughter from China. We started our China adoption in November 2005. We were logged in on May 17, 2006. I am so excited about completing our family with an international adoption!

I know that I don't have a biological child. But, my youngest 2 sons (5 and 4) are actually full-biological siblings. We adopted our middle son Colby and when he was 17 months old... we got a surprise! Our old agency called and said that Colby's birthparents (who are married and are raising three of their children) had just delivered another healthy baby boy that morning and would love for us to adopt him and raise him with his brother!! :
We couldn't believe it! It was a miracle.

ALL of our boys are so close. I worried about the youngest 2 having a biological connection and our oldest understanding that as he got older. But, you know what?? They are just all brothers. And they are all so excited about a baby sister from China. It has been wonderful because as we are waiting on our baby girl ... we have had great adoption converstations with our boys!

I would love to chat with anyone about domestic or international adoption. This is a great thread and it always amazes me how so many people are touched by adoption!

I agree that researching agencies is so important. We have been very lucky and only have had great experiences.
We waited 3 years for our first, 11 months for our second, and 17 months for our surprise!

 

[MouseFan71]

Thanks again for all of your wonderful replies!

Can anyone recommend message boards that are specific to having both adoptive and biological children? Thanks in advance!

There are so many resources available to those considering adoption. You can try forums.adoption.com, they may have the discussion group you seek. Although, I think this thread is providing a lot of great information from your fellow Dis'ers. Adoption is a very personal decision and only you know what is right for your family, that being said, I believe if God has put it in your heart to consider adoption then it's a path you really should consider. I will echo what others have said - you really need to research your agency thoroughly and get recommendations from places like this. Unfortunately many agencies are not ethical and operate in a very seedy, illegal manner. If you choose international adoption you will want to learn a lot about your country of choice and their adoption policies, you will want to determine your chances of getting through the process in that country successfully. We adopted successfully from Guatemala and completed the process in 9 months but recently they have slowed or shut down adoptions all-together and many families are stuck in the middle with their money gone and hearts broken. You take a risk when you adopt internationally or domestically but the rewards are so worth it. Good luck in your decision making process and keep researching your concerns.