? for those who've adopted....

[Disneyland1084]

Did you ever have a fear you wouldn't bond with your adopted child? For those who have biological children and have adopted, is the relationship the "same" ? I understand these may be personal questions, but I'm considering adopting a baby boy some day, and want to fully understand all aspects. I'm expecting my 2nd DD in 4 weeks. I don't want to try a third time because I have gestational diabetes now. Although I'm managing it well, it's been a nuisance, and wouldn't want to go through it again. But I'm thinking it would be nice to have a little boy some day and adopting is the only way to guarantee your desired gender. I would also like to hear from people who've been adopted and what their relationship is like with their adopted families. Any interesting birth family stories? This is meant to be a friendly thread.

 

[lemondog]

We adopted before we had any biological children. Looking back, it did take longer for me to bond with my adopted child than it did my birth children, mainly because I didn't have that 9 months of pregnancy to prepare. I mean literally, one day you get a phone call and then they put this baby in your arms and say "here's your child." It's actually very surreal. For the first week I kept looking at her thinking I must be babysitting someone else's child. But when the bond did come it was strong and hard. I got pregnant when oldest DD was 2, and I actually worried I would not love that baby as much as I loved my adopted daughter! It ended up being twins (God little joke after being told we couldnt' get pg at all...haha) and now all 3 are exactly the same in my heart. I don't even think about the fact that my oldest is adopted. She is my daughter, I love her no differently than my other 2, and that's the God's-honest truth.

 

[Disneyland1084]

We adopted before we had any biological children. Looking back, it did take longer for me to bond with my adopted child than it did my birth children, mainly because I didn't have that 9 months of pregnancy to prepare. I mean literally, one day you get a phone call and then they put this baby in your arms and say "here's your child." It's actually very surreal. For the first week I kept looking at her thinking I must be babysitting someone else's child. But when the bond did come it was strong and hard. I got pregnant when oldest DD was 2, and I actually worried I would not love that baby as much as I loved my adopted daughter! It ended up being twins (God little joke after being told we couldnt' get pg at all...haha) and now all 3 are exactly the same in my heart. I don't even think about the fact that my oldest is adopted. She is my daughter, I love her no differently than my other 2, and that's the God's-honest truth.

Your story is so heartwarming. It's making my desire to adopt even stronger. So happy for you that you were blessed with 3 kids.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I have no birth children, just my son who I adopted as a newborn, but I know there is no way I could love another human being MORE than I love him -- it's just not possible.

As far as interesting birth family stories -- my son's adoption was relatively closed in the beginning, because the agency wanted it that way. When he was 7 we opened the adoption and it has been, without a doubt, one of the most powerful and wonderful things I've ever done for him. I'm not sure that's an "interesting" story, but I'm a strong advocate for openness in adoption. PM me if you want more details.

 

[Wall-E1]

I don't have any biological children(that I know of). I adopted my son when he was eight. I knew from the first time I spoke to him on the phone that he would be my son. We bonded instantly. It felt completely natural to both of us. I was actually waiting for "the other shoe to drop", as I had been told by the social workers that many times things will go smoothly at first and then the problems surface after the "getting to know you period". Well, that never happened. My situation may have been helped by the fact that not only was my child an older child, but he wanted to be in a family. Many foster children want to go back to their biological mothers and fathers. Not my son, he was ready to move on from the abuse he suffered and live the rest of his life. So, I can't compare adopted and biological children, but I can tell you, to me, our relationship feels completely natural. I'm happy to say that today he is just as obnoxious and disrespectful as any other "know it all" teenager - and I am starting to go gray as a result. I couldn't be happier about my decision to adopt.

 

[Disneyland1084]

I'm happy to say that today he is just as obnoxious and disrespectful as any other "know it all" teenager - and I am starting to go gray as a result.

 

[ksjayhawks]

DD is biological and DS is adopted. Never worried about bonding with DS. The minute I saw his picture I was in love and wanted him home now! (he was international adoption). The wait time was like being pregnant but without all the weight gain, morning sickness, etc!

The relationship is the same. I don't wake up in the morning and think "I should talk to my adoptive son today or I will kiss my biological daughter." They are MY kids, plain and simple.

The minute they put the baby (or child, depending on age) in your arms, he/she is yours! It is a wonderful feeling!

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I was adopted as a newborn and will say something that may not be very popular: it is different.

Honestly, I think that no matter what you do, an adopted child will never quite be the same as a child you birth, simply because you can never look at your adopted child's face and see yourself, and I think that, at a genetic level, there are some "meshes" that just aren't there.

That said, I think that the love that adopted parents and children share is stronger in some ways, because there's an element of fierce choice in the love of an adoptive parent.

And, in my own adoptive family's extended family we have many, many adopted kids, and there's not one single regret. Regrets in the choices some adopted kids have made, but they're in keeping with the same regrets that you feel for any dear relation's poor choices, but no regrets in adopting. And I think in all cases, the love the parents and child share is at least as strong, if not stronger, than the love between a birthed child and parent, but I do think there's some difference - and I don't think it's a bad thing, honestly.

 

[Sparx]

i was adopted, but the man who adopted me raised me as his own for many years before i was adopted. he feels like my father.

i used to work for a woman who adopted a toddler from china, and she said that she forgets that she adopted her, and even forgets that she is a different race. hth.

 

[davidsprincess]

My husband was adopted as a baby and maybe because he is a guy he said that growing up he never really thought about his biological parents too much because he had his family. He is the oldest of 6 kids (the rest were not adopted) and he never in any way felt different. They are his parents and those are his siblings. It is just that simple for him and for his family. No one looks at him as being "adopted". That is their son, brother, grandson, nephew. To this day people would never guess that he is adopted because of the relationship he has with his family.

He has met his biological family and yes, he looks like his biological mom, but in his mind and heart she is just the person he shares his DNA with. It was never a burning desire to meet his bio family he only did because we had a daughter and some medical issues came up for him and he wanted to know if it was genetic. His being adopted was and has never been an issue for him because he was always loved and treated just like all the other kids in the family. In fact, if anyone (not family) refers to his bio. mom as his "real" mom he gets upset. His real mom is the woman that raised him.

 

[quentina]

Did you ever have a fear you wouldn't bond with your adopted child? For those who have biological children and have adopted, is the relationship the "same" ? I understand these may be personal questions, but I'm considering adopting a baby boy some day, and want to fully understand all aspects. I'm expecting my 2nd DD in 4 weeks. I don't want to try a third time because I have gestational diabetes now. Although I'm managing it well, it's been a nuisance, and wouldn't want to go through it again. But I'm thinking it would be nice to have a little boy some day and adopting is the only way to guarantee your desired gender. I would also like to hear from people who've been adopted and what their relationship is like with their adopted families. Any interesting birth family stories? This is meant to be a friendly thread.

I will answer honestly.....YES.

I had a 9 year old biological child when we got our daughter. She was 4.5 from a foster to adopt program. Initially, I loved the idea of her....I had my girl, my family was expanding etc. Did I love her??? No, I did not....I didn't even know her. She had a terrible life (involuntary termination of parental rights) and she had quite a bit of baggage. So....we take care of her, grow to love her, advocate for her and one morning I woke up and said.....I have 2 kids. I think we had her about 6 weeks at this point. It just happened......

A few months later, we got the she has a baby brother phone call and along came my little one. He was 2 and had never bonded with a Mom. This love came much quicker. He walked into the house, looked around and pretty much decided, I need a Mom and I choose you.

My daughter bonded much quicker with my DH.

It was 3 years that we had our daughter in October. No, I do not feel different between my biological or adopted children. One day, it just all comes together. I have a friend who I referred to our agency. They are about to legalize on their son. They had no children and she told me that my honesty helped her through some tough nights because she felt like something was wrong with her..........because.....she didn't have an instant and full bond. I have no doubt that it happens for some people, it just didn't happen for us.

Due to the circumstances surrounding our kids, we do not have any contact with birth families. I will say that, my kids were local and in the past, I have seen some relations at Walmart. THey have all been super nice, just glad to see she is OK. I try to remain as open and positive as possible.

Please consider foster care.............so many kids are looking for a forever home.

 

[mamato3princesses]

We have one biological daughter and in the process of adopting our first daughter from China I did have the fear that I would not bond with her as I did my first. However, the truth is that fear was wiped away for me instantly--actually not even just when I held her for the first time, but when I saw her picture. I just knew that she was meant to be with me....the same thing happened with our 3rd daughter who is also from China. I adore all 3 girls and love them with all my heart.

It is true as someone said above, that even though 2 of my dd's look nothing like me, I often forget they are adopted. Born in my heart is such a strong statement that resonates so deeply with me. Someone once said to me that the girls & my husband & I chose each other. How true it is!!

 

[livndisney]

Did you ever have a fear you wouldn't bond with your adopted child? For those who have biological children and have adopted, is the relationship the "same" ? I understand these may be personal questions, but I'm considering adopting a baby boy some day, and want to fully understand all aspects. I'm expecting my 2nd DD in 4 weeks. I don't want to try a third time because I have gestational diabetes now. Although I'm managing it well, it's been a nuisance, and wouldn't want to go through it again. But I'm thinking it would be nice to have a little boy some day and adopting is the only way to guarantee your desired gender. I would also like to hear from people who've been adopted and what their relationship is like with their adopted families. Any interesting birth family stories? This is meant to be a friendly thread.

Honesty? Not for one second. My DD is my DD who just happened to be born somewhere else.

I was adopted as a newborn and will say something that may not be very popular: it is different.

Honestly, I think that no matter what you do, an adopted child will never quite be the same as a child you birth, simply because you can never look at your adopted child's face and see yourself, and I think that, at a genetic level, there are some "meshes" that just aren't there.

That said, I think that the love that adopted parents and children share is stronger in some ways, because there's an element of fierce choice in the love of an adoptive parent.

And, in my own adoptive family's extended family we have many, many adopted kids, and there's not one single regret. Regrets in the choices some adopted kids have made, but they're in keeping with the same regrets that you feel for any dear relation's poor choices, but no regrets in adopting. And I think in all cases, the love the parents and child share is at least as strong, if not stronger, than the love between a birthed child and parent, but I do think there's some difference - and I don't think it's a bad thing, honestly.

Replying to the bolded part. This maybe your experience, but it is NOT true is many cases. My child looks like me, she acts likes me, we even have the same food allergies. She is not my "adopted" child. She is my child.

 

[mamato3princesses]

Honesty? Not for one second. My DD is my DD who just happened to be born somewhere else.



Replying to the bolded part. This maybe your experience, but it is NOT true is many cases. My child looks like me, she acts likes me, we even have the same food allergies. She is not my "adopted" child. She is my child.

SOOOOOO Very true!!! My 2nd daughter resembles me and is as sensitive as I am--she is very much like me. My youngest is hilarious--and she is my "payback" for all the worries I caused my mom as a little girl. LOL!!!

And I 2nd whatyou said about "adopted" child. I don't call them my adopted daughters. All 3 are just "my daughters" regardless of how they entered our family.

 

[Wall-E1]

My child looks like me, she acts likes me, we even have the same food allergies. She is not my "adopted" child. She is my child.

That's so funny. We get that all the time. People are always saying, "Oh you two look exactly alike." My son of course replies by turning to me and looking horrified. Then he exclaims, "Oh god no!". I also find that he is exactly like me when I was his age. He is stubborn like a brick wall. I guess someone is punishing me for the horrors that I put my parents through during my teenage years. I agree with you. He is my child, not my "adopted" child. Well, unless he does something really stupid in public, in which case I pretend not to know him and act just as disgusted as the rest of the gathering crowd - while agreeing with them that it must be the bad parenting.

 

[ZachnElli]

My 2 oldest children are biological and my youngest is adopted. I did have some fears I wouldn't bond, it was really fear of the unknown. I didn't bond instantly, but then again we traveled to another state and waited for a phone call that he was ours for several days knowing they could call and say take him back too. Just like a PP, it felt like I was babysitting for those days, he was adorable and I wanted to keep him, but it was pins and needles until the judge signed the papers saying we could take him home. Now however, there is no difference between what I feel for him and my biological kids. Sometimes, he seems even more special because of what his biomom did, she gave him to us, entrusted us with this child, pretty big deal to us! As for not seeing yourself in an adopted child, not true for us. He does look just like my dh and my oldest son, eeriely looks like big brother when big brother was his age (age difference is 10 years). My sis-in-law is adopted and she always says she is her father's child and she doesn't know her biodad. She says she totally developed her dad's sense of humor. She very much believes in nuture vs. nature. And I see my little guy totally developing personality traits that he may not have had if he had been raised by someone else.

As for my older kids, they love their little brother. It doesn't matter to them that he is adopted. He is just as loving and cute and annoying (lol!) as any little brother can be! If we were in a different place, we would have adopted again, I really hate this economy, but that's another thread!

 

[tink_lover]

When dd was a baby, many people commented how she looked like dh. Now that she's older, we get how much the two of us look alike. I used to try to explain how that wasn't possible, now dd and I just look at each other and smile.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I never looked like my adopted family, never shared their political views, never thought the way they did.

I love my family, my Momma is Momma and my Daddy is my Daddy. My brothers are my brothers. Nothing can or will ever change that. So on that level, no, there is no difference between me and my siblings.

But when I met my birth family, I met a group of people who had the same sense of humour, who looked just like me, who voted the same politically, who thought things through the same way I did.

This fact holds true with my DH, who was also adopted and knows his birth family. It holds true with my adopted dear niece, who knows her birth family, and with several dear cousins (some know their birth families, some don't).

There was a longitudinal study done in Minnesota (I think it was Minnesota. . .not going to go look when I should really be in bed, LOL!) that followed adoptive children for several years. (I believe the study is also quoted in Freakonomics.) What the study found was that as infants and small children, adopted children tend to, at least in quantifable measures, such as intelligence, most resemble their adoptive parents. This is generally true into adulthood, mostly. But as the individual gets older and older, the more the individual more closely resembles the birth parents.

Like I said, I didn't think what I said would be popular and I don't think it should dissaud anyone from adopting. But it is what I've experienced.

 

[Disneyland1084]

I never looked like my adopted family, never shared their political views, never thought the way they did.

I love my family, my Momma is Momma and my Daddy is my Daddy. My brothers are my brothers. Nothing can or will ever change that. So on that level, no, there is no difference between me and my siblings.

But when I met my birth family, I met a group of people who had the same sense of humour, who looked just like me, who voted the same politically, who thought things through the same way I did.

This fact holds true with my DH, who was also adopted and knows his birth family. It holds true with my adopted dear niece, who knows her birth family, and with several dear cousins (some know their birth families, some don't).

There was a longitudinal study done in Minnesota (I think it was Minnesota. . .not going to go look when I should really be in bed, LOL!) that followed adoptive children for several years. (I believe the study is also quoted in Freakonomics.) What the study found was that as infants and small children, adopted children tend to, at least in quantifable measures, such as intelligence, most resemble their adoptive parents. This is generally true into adulthood, mostly. But as the individual gets older and older, the more the individual more closely resembles the birth parents.

Like I said, I didn't think what I said would be popular and I don't think it should dissaud anyone from adopting. But it is what I've experienced.

 

[laurie31]

I have no birth children, just my son who I adopted as a newborn, but I know there is no way I could love another human being MORE than I love him -- it's just not possible.

This is the way I feel, only from the other side.

I was adopted, and I always wondered what it would be like to meet someone I was related to, biologically. I purposefully waited to search for my birth parents until after I had children, as I had this romantic notion that I wanted my own child to be the first blood relative I ever met. I couldn't wait to see what it would be like.

When my DD was born and they put her in my arms...wow. I was overcome with love. And I realized THIS is how much my Mom loves me, and I couldn't possibly love my DD more than that, even though she is my biological child.

Replying to the bolded part. This maybe your experience, but it is NOT true is many cases. My child looks like me, she acts likes me, we even have the same food allergies. She is not my "adopted" child. She is my child.

This is true for me as well. I have even had people disbelieve that I was adopted, because they say I look just like my Mom. I reunited with my birth mother and her family 7 years ago, and I love them too, but I'm not like them in the way I'm like my family.

Here I am with my Mom.

This is my birth mom and I.

These are my sisters. Half sisters, actually, but we don't worry about the "half" part.

Interestingly, we all have the same favorite flavor of ice cream, share a phobic fear of spiders, and 3 of us were all married the same weekend in October (different years).

Everyone's experience is unique, but a child is a child. How the child joins your family is irrevelent.