? for those who are divorced

[LurkerLisa]

Hi,

One of my very best friends (who lives 700 miles away) just told me that she is thinking about getting a divorce. There was no big thing that happened, I guess the marriage just ran out of gas. I'd like her to fight to save it, but I'm sure that I really don't get a say unless she asks for my opinion.

I don't want to say/do the wrong things. Could any of you who have been down that road share the best things that your friends did/said that helped you?

Thank you in advance.

Lisa

 

[vettechick99]

Is she the type that will open up to you and tell you what's really going on? Is there a chance she's seeing someone else and is embarassed to admit it? Or maybe he's abusive and she wants out?

You don't know the whole story, so I'd just be there for her and support her decisions. I'm sure it's not easy for her.

 

[LurkerLisa]

Is she the type that will open up to you and tell you what's really going on? Is there a chance she's seeing someone else and is embarassed to admit it? Or maybe he's abusive and she wants out?

You don't know the whole story, so I'd just be there for her and support her decisions. I'm sure it's not easy for her.

Vettechick99,

I know that there's no "other" person in the mix and no way that abuse is happening. It's a typical get-so-caught-up-in-the-job/kids/life thing that neither one of them have tended to the marriage and now she seems to think that there's just no point. Can a marriage die of apathy? As to the "support" thing, what do I do? Do I call? Do I go down and see her (I offered and she said no)? I invited her to come here and again she said no. I just don't want to do anything that will make it harder/worse for her.

Lisa

Lisa

 

[vettechick99]

Vettechick99,

I know that there's no "other" person in the mix and no way that abuse is happening. It's a typical get-so-caught-up-in-the-job/kids/life thing that neither one of them have tended to the marriage and now she seems to think that there's just no point. Can a marriage die of apathy? As to the "support" thing, what do I do? Do I call? Do I go down and see her (I offered and she said no)? I invited her to come here and again she said no. I just don't want to do anything that will make it harder/worse for her.

Lisa

Lisa

I definitely think marriages can die of that. I'm with you, I would hope they would fight for it. But sometimes it's just too far gone.

Well since you offered already, I'd leave the ball in her court. If she's a really good friend, I'd send her a card and let her know you're there for her. Or even a call to see how she is, without bringing up the marriage.

I think you're doing great -- You're a nice friend!

 

[Hercules10]

Can a marriage die of apathy?

Yup.

Think about calling her regularly. Don't pressure her for anything. Just call on a very regular basis to say 'Hi' and let her know you're there if she needs you. Divorce sux.

 

[NMAmy]

These were the things I appreciated most when I was getting a divorce. I asked a co-worker to pass the news around so I wouldn't have to tell each person separately. I got so many emails offering sympathy and support--I was truly overwhelmed by how kind people were to me at that time. I had some very good friends.

I hated it when people would act like it wasn't happening by just ignoring the situation. I didn't want to give people a blow by blow but just the fact that people asked me if I was all right, how I was holding up, and if there was anything they could do made a huge difference.

It sounds like they have children--I would offer to babysit if she should need it. I know there were times when I had to discuss things with my ex and it was a lifesaver when someone could watch dd during those times. I didn't want to expose her to the hurtful behavior and this kept a lot of it from her.

Don't suggest they work on their marriage. Believe me, no one can know what's going on with someone else's marriage. Insinuating that they didn't work hard enough at it is just not what they need to hear. Unless you're living it, you don't know what all is going on.

It's kind of you to want to help. Again, this is just what I appreciated--other people may feel differently.