For anyone who is divorced (or going through one): one sided or two sided?

[NY Disney fan]

If you have been divorced (or are in the process), did you exhaust all options to save the marriage before deciding to divorce or was the divorce a one-sided decision made by one spouse only?

I always believed that when married people get a divorce they talk/fight about it, go to therapy, do a trial separation and THEN divorce. But I discovered that it is not like this sometimes. I want to know how many divorces were one-sided vs. two sided?

 

[EdiePA]

It started out as totally one-sided -- he was having an affair and wanted to leave for her. I was completely devastated and blind-sided, the total "the wife is the last to know" cliche. As I found out more about his infidelity, I wanted "out". I was tired of living in limbo and needed to put an end to it.

It was the most horrible experience of my life -- not something I'd wish on anyone.

We didn't try counseling because by then I felt there was nothing left to repair. Twenty-three years ended by one person's self-centered decisions.

Edie

 

[Bren's Mom]

I'm not so sure it's quite as straight forward as that.

I tried everything, and I really do mean everything, to keep from getting divorced. But the main issue was something that my then dh had to work on, and he chose not to. Ultimately, I filed for divorce when I'd exhausted everything *I* could do, and when it was clear he was not willing to do anything else to fix the problem.

My dad walked out when I was 16. He did not tell my mom there was any problem. He was having a long-term affair that my mom didn't know about until he walked out. That's as one-sided as it gets I think. She did beg for counseling, try to fix the marriage after he left but it was for naught.

 

[Jennasis]

I wanted the divorce. My ex did not. So in that regard, it was one-sided. However, before I left him, I dragged him kicking and screaming to marriage counseling. He was adamantly opposed to therapy, and even refused to help pay for it. Turns out he was scared the therapist would take my side nd encourage me to leave him (which the therapist never did).

As much as I hated my ex, I would have stayed married to him and honored MY wedding vows if he had showed me just the tiniest bit of kindness, love and compassion and honored HIS vows.

But in the end, I can say that the divorce was ALL me.

 

[MichelleVW]

I wanted the divorce. My ex did not. So in that regard, it was one-sided. However, before I left him, I dragged him kicking and screaming to marriage counseling. He was adamantly opposed to therapy, and even refused to help pay for it. Turns out he was scared the therapist would take my side nd encourage me to leave him (which the therapist never did).

As much as I hated my ex, I would have stayed married to him and honored MY wedding vows if he had showed me just the tiniest bit of kindness, love and compassion and honored HIS vows.

But in the end, I can say that the divorce was ALL me.

Sounds like my divorce except we never went to therapy at all. I tried for 8 years to get him to understand how I felt about things, but he would never try. I tried talking, yelling, everything under the sun and he had no desire to change until I said, "I want out, I'm leaving" Then he attempted to change but it was too late...and I didn't even like him by that point.

At the time I had some friends getting divorced who's marriages were way better than mine, so I said, "what the heck am I sticking around for this??" While the divorce was rough (he is crazy and made everyone miserable, like telling the girls it was their fault that I left and they were only in 2nd and 4th grade!!). But we are all (well maybe not the ex) happier now!!

 

[Shmily1]

I wanted the divorce in my first marriage (still in the second for almost 14 years). He kept his paycheck for hunting and fishing and I paid the bills including his house, truck and boat. I decided I could be broke and happy alone or broke and miserable with him.... I chose to be happy! DD18 was 2 and DS19 was 3 and they were so much happier when he was gone!! We went to therapy but then he was just trying to lie to the therapist and he later burned down my house and tried to kill me with my kids watching but I was smarter and we made it out alive. DD18 and DS19 are happy that I divorced him early on and are very well adjusted college teens.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

Is there such a thing as three-sided? Our FOURTH marriage counselor was the one who said to us, after over a year of therapy, "You know, I don't think this is working. I suggest you seriously think about calling it quits."

For whatever reason, I tried so hard to keep my marriage together. My personal belief is that divorce just isn't right; you made a vow, end of discussion. However, my husband was abusive (in all ways, if you get my drift), a thief, and a compulsive liar. I have to believe that I will be forgiven for leaving someone like that.

Back in 2000, after only a year and a half of marriage, he kicked me out - on my birthday, no less. We separated for a year; I got sick (doctor thought I had cancer, which thankfully, in the end I didn't) and needed major surgery. We reconciled the following year. But he soon went back to his old ways...like I said, we ended up going to four counselors...the last one was good, I loved her. She gave us "homework" every week...I tried, but he refused every single time. That's when she told us to think about giving up. I said I thought it was best, too. We went home...he cried all night, and the next day, he planned a weekend trip for us to Nantucket!

On our next appointment, he agreed to find another apartment and said he'd be out by May 1st. Well...he decided instead to get his own apartment not only in the same complex that we were already in, but RIGHT ACROSS THE PARKING LOT. And what do you know, it wouldn't be available until July 1st. He certainly was determined to keep an eye on me as long as possible. He also made excuses for not filing for the divorce, so when he had a day off from work, I took the same day off and made him go to the courthouse with me. We did a do-it-yourself divorce, as we had no property to split and no children. He still stalled on calling a sheriff to serve the paperwork, though, so I finally called to get it. Anyway, our divorce was final on February 15, 2007. Literally took all of 2 minutes...

 

[Pakey]

After 7 years we both wanted to divorce and it was amicable enough. We have both been remarried for a long time; he's been married 23 years and I've been married 25 years. My current husband's divorce was the same and his ex-wife and her husband (married 22 years) are good friends of ours. Since we all share children, I feel blessed that we had no bitterness and have all been able to have healthy relationships with the kids.

 

[DVCLiz]

Mine was totally one sided. The problems we were having could, I think, have been resolved with some serious effort on both our parts. I was willing but he wasn't. He let me know in a particularly thoughtless way (our 10 year old daughter found a letter he was writing while looking at a pad of paper he had left next to the telephone.) I asked if he would go to counseling and he agreed to one session but let me know in the car on the way that he had already signed a lease on a new house. He had received a small inheritance that would have let us pay off all our bills, get several months ahead, and buy a house. He chose to spend it on his freedom from the marriage instead.

I was devastated and it took a long time to recover - especially since he began dating my best friend - the mother of my daughter's best friend as well -about 6 weeks later and eventually married her.

Now that many years (7) have gone by I see the exact same problems in their marriage that I did in ours and I see her struggle to manage it just as I did. I'm happy to be on my own with wonderful children, friends, and self respect, while I think she regrets her choice and he is still a mess. In the meantime, he has spent all his inheritance, plus apparently a much larger one, has opened and closed a business, and is looking for work which, as a 50 plus year old man with no real job history or skills, he is finding difficult.

The worst damage was to his relationship with our two daughters - they have both said independently that he doesn't play a very large role in their lives. I think that's far, far worse than my personal loss - he had such treasure and he threw it away for nothing. So sad.

 

[DVCLiz]

After 7 years we both wanted to divorce and it was amicable enough. We have both been remarried for a long time; he's been married 23 years and I've been married 25 years. My current husband's divorce was the same and his ex-wife and her husband (married 22 years) are good friends of ours. Since we all share children, I feel blessed that we had no bitterness and have all been able to have healthy relationships with the kids.

That's really nice, Pakey.

We are all civil for the sake of the children and they came to my house for Thanskgiving with her daughter and her parents. It is always "fine" because I work hard at making it so. So many people have come to me over the years and said, "I don't see how you do it." But if you have children you just do - it's better for them not to have any more drama and if I can behave in a way that makes it easier for them I will always do that, no questions asked.

Even if later in the day I might have a glass of wine and call my best friend and vent for an hour or so!!!!

 

[paintnolish]

I wanted the divorce. My ex did not. So in that regard, it was one-sided. However, before I left him, I dragged him kicking and screaming to marriage counseling. He was adamantly opposed to therapy, and even refused to help pay for it. Turns out he was scared the therapist would take my side nd encourage me to leave him (which the therapist never did).

As much as I hated my ex, I would have stayed married to him and honored MY wedding vows if he had showed me just the tiniest bit of kindness, love and compassion and honored HIS vows.

But in the end, I can say that the divorce was ALL me.

I tried and tried until I felt divorce was the only option.

 

[disney_mommy]

Definitely one-sided here. Though we did go to marriage counseling, it was very clear that he wasn't trying and was just going through the motions. He wanted out and that was that.

 

[JCJRSmith]

One sided - I thought she was the love of my life, she had other ideas. She had an affair with another service member while I was at sea. The guy was leaving the military and starting a career as an over-the-road trucker. My ship pulled back into home port in Norfolk five days before Christmas in 1985. She told me on the way home from the ship that she wanted out. I got the Dear John letter the next day in the ship's mail. While I was gone, she spent every penny we had, ran up huge credit bills, and didn't have any food or diapers for our daughter (1.5 years old at the time) in the house. She spent it all on her new boyfriend.

I begged her to go to marriage counselling to try and work it out but she was having none of it. I didn't find out about the affair until after she left with our daughter for Ohio a month later.

In the end it was the best thing that ever happened to me - found out later that this was at least the third time she cheated. And after that she was upset (read: REALLY ANGRY) that I didn't want to reconcile when the guy she left me for cheated on her and kicked her out of their apartment. Go figure.

Two years later I met the REAL love of my life and we celebrated our 21st anniversary this past November.

 

[missypie]

He had a long term affair, moved out of state to be with her. Once he was gone I realized I was so happy without him. OF COURSE, once he moved closer to his sweetie, they broke up after a couple of months. He wanted to come back. I said no way and filed for divorce. So is that one sided or two?

 

[NY Disney fan]

He had a long term affair, moved out of state to be with her. Once he was gone I realized I was so happy without him. OF COURSE, once he moved closer to his sweetie, they broke up after a couple of months. He wanted to come back. I said no way and filed for divorce. So is that one sided or two?

To me that is a one-sided divorce. He left you to live with another woman, thereby ending the marriage. You didn't consent to it or agree with it. He painted you into a corner whereby you had to divorce him b/c you had no other choice.

 

[missypie]

I could have taken him back. His fatal error was not having the affair, but leaving. Once I realized how much better my life was without him, there was no hope of reconcilliation!

 

[BeenHereB4]

I've always been treated as though mine was one-sided, as in it was my choice. My ex didn't want to go through therapy or talk about problems I had with the marriage until I found my own apartment and started packing. So, I don't really know if it was one or two-sided because once he was willing, I had already made up my mind that it was over.

Right now, we get along very well and I think we both realize it was the best decision at the time, but I guess you just never know.

 

[meghanet]

My husband was divorced and in his case it was all his ex-wife who wanted it. She was hanging out with other men and they would hit on her and she got a bad case of the grass is greener on the other side. Of course as soon as she was divorced with kids all those guys disappeared! (Now, I'm not saying my DH was a perfect angel, I'm not that naive, they did have problems that he contributed to, but he wasn't at all on the same page with her as far as the divorce went and truthfully their problems weren't so bad that they couldn't have worked through them.) It's really sad because my DH really thought they were going to get back together so he let her have her way with custody and child support thinking if he was just nice and let her have what she wanted she would get back with him. He was very naive . It makes me cry to think what she put him through.

However, it worked out great for me! We are incredibly happy and she is miserable (hey, flame me all you want, but I'm human and this does make me a little happy).

IMHO, most divorces are needless and are an issue of the partners just not putting the work in to keep it fresh, keep the love alive, and work through the inevitable problems that life brings. Of course in cases such as abuse and infidelity things cannot always be worked out (nor should they necessarily try to be worked out), but it really breaks my heart to see people just give up and walk away as if any successful relationship doesn't take work. I know DH and I have had our bad times, but man the good times are just so worth it! There is no greater investment than the investment my DH and I put into our marriage. Of course I can't even begin to think that we would ever break up, but I can tell you that in our case and with our dynamic, there is no way we would give up without a fight. We are so close that we wouldn't let the other get to the point to where they wanted a one sided divorce.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Of course I can't even begin to think that we would ever break up, but I can tell you that in our case and with our dynamic, there is no way we would give up without a fight. We are so close that we wouldn't let the other get to the point to where they wanted a one sided divorce.

I hope that is the case for you. In my case I always believed and discussed that if our marriage was on the rocks, we would discuss it and fight for it. The problem was my exH was a compulsive liar and I didn't know he was lying (when I believed he was telling me the truth). Lying was his native language.

 

[BellvilleDad]

It started out as totally one-sided -- he was having an affair and wanted to leave for her. I was completely devastated and blind-sided, the total "the wife is the last to know" cliche. As I found out more about his infidelity, I wanted "out". I was tired of living in limbo and needed to put an end to it.

It was the most horrible experience of my life -- not something I'd wish on anyone.

We didn't try counseling because by then I felt there was nothing left to repair. Twenty-three years ended by one person's self-centered decisions.

Edie

This was like mine, except "the husband is the last to know."

She came home at 2 AM one night after "shopping with her sister." When I asked what in the world took so long, she confessed that she hadn't been shopping, she'd been at another man's house. She was unhappy with me and wanted me to leave.

After a couple nights of sleeping on the couch while I tried to decide what to do, I resolved to work it out, if possible. She was not interested at all in counselling, but things improved (I thought) for a few months. I had trouble sleeping, and bleeding stomach ulcers from worrying about where she was when she wasn't at home. I suspected she was still contacting the other guy, and I ordered detail billing on the cell phone. She was calling him after I went to sleep at night. When I confronted her, she said again she was unhappy and wanted out.

I finally left, and moved in with a buddy of mine. After a few days, I found that I could relax, my stomach troubles were clearing up, and I was sleeping better.

A couple months later, I met the most wonderful woman in the world (who I later married). I filed for divorce. My first wife called to say that she wasn't sure that was what she wanted. I told it was too late. I had already moved on, and I wanted it now.

We didn't have any children, and few possessions, so the divorce was pretty cut-and-dried. We live in a small town, so we see her regularly. We are all civil. It's funny; her parents like me better now that we are divorced than they ever did when we were married!