For all you DIL's

[Piglet]

I am so sorry your DIL treats you like that. I would give anything if my MIL would treat my DD like you do your grandchildren. My MIL lives less than 10 miles from us and even closer when we (DD comes with me) are at work. My poor DD is stuck in my office everyday during the summer and MIL doesn't work, but never offers for her to come over to play or get out of here for a little while. DD was also born with a genetic disease and does really well now, but my MIL doesn't show any interest in learning about it or can't even pronounce the name of it.

Maybe you would like to adopt us.

Hugs to you and maybe if you have a little talk with her, she may see that she is being totally irrational and hurtful to you.

Melinda

 

[caitycaity]

i won't say you were right or wrong because i don't know you or your dil.

however, i will say that the primary problem i have with my mil is that she acts like she is my parent - which she most certainly is not. i feel completely justified in venting about my mil at times.

i'm sorry that you don't have the kind of relationship you want with your dil. sometimes il's seem to forget that not all families are the same. my family is very different from the il's and they expect me to agree (or at least go along) with them on everything - that's just not gonna happen.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am going to jump back in here before I also leave this thread, as it is getting closer to being a debate....

But, I just had to say no matter HOW well meaning the OP is... She is NOT right to expect her DIL have the kind of relationship the SHE expects... She is not right to expect the DIL just to sit back and abdicate her role as Parent whenever the OP is present. The MIL is definately wrong here on these two issues at the very least. Very wrong.

WHENEVER the DIL is present. SHE is the mother and the decision maker. Period ! Kids are masterful at using their big doe eyes and their wiles to pit one parent or grandparent/ against the other to try to get what they want. It is a HUGE mistake to even get into this game!!! The OP made a BIG mistake by saying what she did. As a DIL, I too would have been resentful and angry. MIL should either keep her mouth shut when kids start this kind of thing, or she should simply say, "You need to ask your mom first, dear". That is the ONLY way to handle it. The ONLY way!

It does NOT matter WHAT the snack is... It does NOT matter WHY the DIL may not want the child to spend the night. (Maybe there is NO real reason... Maybe the reason is that she is trying to teach the child that she cannot just up and demand and ask for things like this and expect the parents to cave...) What matters, is that while the OP is acting all innocent here, she is taking these little harmless, innocent sounding issues, and letting them become toxic power plays. This is NOT good!

If the little examples that the OP is giving are all she has to complain about, well, that is not much! As others have said, the OP gets to enjoy a nice relationship with her grandchildren and her son. She should be happy! Why make big issues out of little differences????

The other poster said it right. When reading between the lines, the OP's post does smack of entitlement and attitude. Either DIL kisses her behind, and has no right to ever disagree on anything, and gives her 'free reign' with the kids or the OP is not going to be happy???? If the OP is continually placing DIL in this type of situation, then yes, she can expect DIL to become frustrated and disrepectful.

It is NOT okay to disrespect the DIL ( as in the role of 'parent' ) and then gripe and whine when the DIL becomes frustrated and disrespectful in return.

The MIL is taking a hard line here... There seems to be a "I have done no wrong" attitude, big time. Well, nobody is perfect. Also, this is not offering any middle ground... Unless the MIL can back off a little bit, admit that maybe she is crossing some boundaries, and does have unrealistic expectations, then there will be no hope for an improved relationship between her and her DIL.....

Again, hugs and best wishes for everyone involved!!!

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

I've been blessed as well w/ a wonderful MIL. She can't babysit much because she is older, legally deaf, unable to drive, has a bad hip, and just can't keep up w/ the kiddies (she's a bad trade-in value as she describes herself), but she is the most loving, giving, and sweet person I know and she more than makes up for her weaknesses w/ the love she showers on her grandchildren.

She has always been respectful of me and I of her. When my DFIL had Quad Bypass in February, we offered for her to move in w/ us and she did. I drove her to intensive care every morning w/ a 3 yr old and a newborn, then to her home. My DH or his brother would pick her up and take her back to the hospital at night and then back to our home for dinner and to sleep. This went on for a month and a half and she couldn't thank us enough. She has gone w/ me while I shop by sitting in the car w/ the kiddies while I run into a store. She and I work very hard at helping each other and caring for each other. We have a very close relationship. When I get frustrated w/ her, as I know she must w/ me, we just bite our tongues and thank God for our blessings.

Now my DH's MIL, my DM, is a whole other story. I can understand why some call their MIL's EVIL after witnessing what my DM has done to my DH, going so far as to actually shut us out of the family for 5 yrs. Luckily, he is a "Glass-is-half-full" sort of guy and played a big role in mending the broken fences. And now that my DM is living over 5000 miles away, we get along just fine.

 

[Royalbear]

You know, some of the fondest memories I have of my Grandma was the times we "bent the rules".

We NEVER had chocolate milk at home, but when we were at Gma's it was always ready for us. She always had soda in the fridge (but her rule was one a day) and we were allowed to go to "town" with some spending money by ourselves once we were in school. Now, my mom knew all this--my grandma may have discussed it with her beforehand--and while mom had rules for us, she relaxed them with our visits with our Grandma. I am a healthy, productive adult, so no harm, no foul.

I guess what I am saying is this is how I treat my parents and in-laws: If it is safe and not permanent (ie pierced ears), it would be nice for you to clear it with me first, however, if it happened on the fly (peeing in the bushes as an emergency), I won't get wrapped around the axle. My kids know that I am their parent and I am in charge--Gparents are a nice soft place to fall.

BTW, if something happened while visiting with Gparents that I didn't like (for example, I have a TV aholic who one time spent the whole visit watching cartoon network), I don't get angry with the grandparents, I discuss with my child why that wasn't fair to Gma and GPa and at the next visit make my expectations known. (Try to limit the TV time). I am lucky that my in-laws and parents respect me enough to try to abide with those wishes.

BTW, my in-laws are relunctant grandparents and I think that is because with my first child, I was a militant mom and tried to control everything. When I realised that all that did was make my in-laws less willing to be with our kids, I adopted the above strategy. Things are some better, but they'll never have the relationship with my kids as they do with my SIL kids. I really regret that.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think the key here, and what I have been slow to learn, is that everyone must make their expectations clear at the get-go.

Instead of the OP blasting her DIL, I think she should sit down and talk with her. Let her know she respects her DIL and her right to parent her child how she sees fit. Ask her how she would like Grandma to handle particular situations, ask her what rules absolutely must be followed while the grandchildren are under her care. Then find out where there might be wiggle room for Grandma to do what Grandmas like to do best.

Turn it into wanting to do what is best for the children, instead of a giant power struggle. Things will be a lot less confusing for the kids and more enjoyable for the adults as well.

I wish I had taken the high road this way before my particular situation got so far out of hand.

Denae

 

[Octoberbride03]

I'm sorry your DIL does not appreciate you Patty. As for my MIL I appreciate her just fine. I appreciate that she lives halfway across the country, and ignores her son(My DH) for months on end. She calls, if he's lucky, every 2-3 months. He's not allowed to call her because it costs him "money". You'd think that we're homeless and have no jobs. She spent most of our engagement trying to talk him out of getting married because "He can't support a wife on his salary." Ok, so we're not rich, but we're doing just fine TY. And if she does call she never mentions my name, never asks how I'm doing, but my wonderful Dh always makes sure to insert my name into the conversation so she knows just how well we're both doing.

I would love to have a wonderful MIL-DIL relationship with my MIL. But I know its never going to happen. I can't even imagine how she'd be as a grandmother, but I don't expect her to change once we have a baby. But compared to other MILs i've heard about I'll take it.

I hope you can tell your own DIL how you feel sometimes about your relationship Patty, and I can understand your need to have a good rant. But not all MILs are like you, as you already knew.
I don't mean this as a flame, its just my own personal vent.

 

[padams]

I would like to hear OP's DIL's side of the situation. I know my MIL portrays me as the evil, disrespectful DIL. There are definitely 2 sides to the story.


"No more, I am not holding my tongue anymore." Do you think that tactic is going to improve your relationship with your DIL? Do you think you will see more of the grandkids? Do you think DIL will let you do whatever you want with the grandkids if you don't hold your tongue anymore? This is not a smart strategy.

 

[kasar]

Originally posted by Royalbear
You know, some of the fondest memories I have of my Grandma was the times we "bent the rules".

We NEVER had chocolate milk at home, but when we were at Gma's it was always ready for us. She always had soda in the fridge (but her rule was one a day) and we were allowed to go to "town" with some spending money by ourselves once we were in school. Now, my mom knew all this--my grandma may have discussed it with her beforehand--and while mom had rules for us, she relaxed them with our visits with our Grandma. I am a healthy, productive adult, so no harm, no foul.

I guess what I am saying is this is how I treat my parents and in-laws: If it is safe and not permanent (ie pierced ears), it would be nice for you to clear it with me first, however, if it happened on the fly (peeing in the bushes as an emergency), I won't get wrapped around the axle. My kids know that I am their parent and I am in charge--Gparents are a nice soft place to fall.

BTW, if something happened while visiting with Gparents that I didn't like (for example, I have a TV aholic who one time spent the whole visit watching cartoon network), I don't get angry with the grandparents, I discuss with my child why that wasn't fair to Gma and GPa and at the next visit make my expectations known. (Try to limit the TV time). I am lucky that my in-laws and parents respect me enough to try to abide with those wishes.

BTW, my in-laws are relunctant grandparents and I think that is because with my first child, I was a militant mom and tried to control everything. When I realised that all that did was make my in-laws less willing to be with our kids, I adopted the above strategy. Things are some better, but they'll never have the relationship with my kids as they do with my SIL kids. I really regret that.

I agree with all of the above!!!!

 

[MELSMICE]

We don't see my IL's a whole lot, even though they live in the area, but they are warm, loving people. They have done some things that have upset me, but I have dealt with them.

Now, for all the DIL's & MIL's - remember this:

DIL's - If it wasn't for your MIL you wouldn't have your DH or your children.

MIL's - If it wasn't for your DIL you wouldn't have your grandchildren.

When my MIL would do something I didn't agree with or particularly care for I would just remember that I am married to her son - the child she loves & raised & if not for her I wouldn't be so lucky & have him or my DD's!

 

[goofyshell]

I totally agree with royalbear! I am very blessed with wonderful in-laws. I don't expect them to ask everytime the kids want a snack or watch tv. My MIL has always treated me with respect and is wonderful to the kids. Does she occasionally do things with the kids that I disagree with? Yes, but it's minor and in light of all she does for us (and she does!) I let it go. Now if it involved the kids safety or a major breach of our rules, I would talk to her.

 

[llij]

Originally posted by MELSMICE
We don't see my IL's a whole lot, even though they live in the area, but they are warm, loving people. They have done some things that have upset me, but I have dealt with them.

Now, for all the DIL's & MIL's - remember this:

DIL's - If it wasn't for your MIL you wouldn't have your DH or your children.

MIL's - If it wasn't for your DIL you wouldn't have your grandchildren.

When my MIL would do something I didn't agree with or particularly care for I would just remember that I am married to her son - the child she loves & raised & if not for her I wouldn't be so lucky & have him or my DD's!

ITA, Melsmice! I'm so grateful to my MIL b/c she raised a wonderful son who is now an amazing father to my daughters!

Patty, to you!

 

[Mimi Q]

Sorry for the conflict with your DIL. I live 2 miles from my MIL, and I love her. Hope things get better for you both.

 

[kidzmom3]

The OP actually made me think very hard about my relationship with my MIL. She has done some less than great things, has made some comments that have hurt my feelings. She thinks I am overweight, my house untidy and the kids a bit wild. However, she is awesome with my kids. She wants to see them. Every week if she can. She has taught each one of them CCD for the first communion years (1,2). She buys them shoes, jackets.... She brought over a fiberoptic halloween decoration that she thought they would "love". She has watched them for me, when they have been sick and I had to work. When I have been sick and my DH had to work. She is very religous and had her Carmalite group, and the local nuns pray for me during every pregnancy. So sometimes she is less than gracious too me, maybe I should be more gracious to her at these times and remember what a fabulous Nana my kids have.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh my!!!!! I am laughing my head off remembering something after reading these last few posts..

Once, when DH and I finally tried to have a talk with my Inlaws about these exact same issues... ( re: our new DS)

My MIL actually said to me... She actually had the nerve to say this!!!

"Well, you married DS so you MUST be happy with how we raised him..."

She actually threw this up in my face, like because I married her DS, then she must be 'Right' about EVERYTHING, and I had to do JUST as she wished, and I had NO reason not to abdicate my role as DS mother, and to give her complete free reign.

Yeah Right!!!
NOT!!! LOL!!!!!

Edited to add: So, for any MIL out there who are buying into that "I gave you my son, so you owe me your life and your children..." Well, DON'T. I didn't buy that, and most DIL's would not. I married your son, that does NOT mean that I am beholding to do everything just the way you want me to. Jeez, I can hear the evil witch of the West now... "You married my son, so I"ve got you now my pretty!!!!!! Heeee Heeee Cackle Cackle!!!! LOL!!!!

Beleive me, that was the last real conversation that I have ever had with my inlaws. (four years ago now....) The fact that I love their son does NOT give them the RIGHT to expect me to 'bow down' to them... It does NOT make them 'Right'. Without going into details, MIL was very very wrong on a couple of serious issues. And, to be honest, when we told the inlaws that DS was on the way, and I had to sit and bite my tongue and just cringe as I listened to all of her, 'When DS was little' stories.... Well, that was the day that I instantly figured out every single issue that DH has ever had! I love him and married him in SPITE of my inlaws, not because of them!

 

[lapinluv]

Originally posted by kidzmom3
]So sometimes she is less than gracious too me, maybe I should be more gracious to her at these times and remember what a fabulous Nana my kids have.

This is how I feel about my FIL. He's horrible to me and DH, but wonderful to DD. Also, he has helped us out a lot around the house. It also turns into a debacle, but he does help. So, I tend to forgive him more than MIL.

 

[doxdogy]

My father was the same way when DD was a kid. We basically knew that he spoiled her rotten when she was there and we weren't. She has also told me in the past that her fondest memories were spending the night with them. Then her and grandpa would go to Burger King for breakfast the next morning. I have already warned DD that I intend to spoil her children just like my parents spoiled her. So as a DIL and a MIL I can see the point that the OP is trying to make. Not ALL MIL's are bad and not ALL DIL's are good. Just unfortunately sometimes the good DIL's get the bad MIL's and the good MIL's get the bad DIL's. I was very fortunate as I had wonderful in-laws.

Originally posted by Royalbear
You know, some of the fondest memories I have of my Grandma was the times we "bent the rules".

We NEVER had chocolate milk at home, but when we were at Gma's it was always ready for us. She always had soda in the fridge (but her rule was one a day) and we were allowed to go to "town" with some spending money by ourselves once we were in school. Now, my mom knew all this--my grandma may have discussed it with her beforehand--and while mom had rules for us, she relaxed them with our visits with our Grandma. I am a healthy, productive adult, so no harm, no foul.

I guess what I am saying is this is how I treat my parents and in-laws: If it is safe and not permanent (ie pierced ears), it would be nice for you to clear it with me first, however, if it happened on the fly (peeing in the bushes as an emergency), I won't get wrapped around the axle. My kids know that I am their parent and I am in charge--Gparents are a nice soft place to fall.

BTW, if something happened while visiting with Gparents that I didn't like (for example, I have a TV aholic who one time spent the whole visit watching cartoon network), I don't get angry with the grandparents, I discuss with my child why that wasn't fair to Gma and GPa and at the next visit make my expectations known. (Try to limit the TV time). I am lucky that my in-laws and parents respect me enough to try to abide with those wishes.

BTW, my in-laws are relunctant grandparents and I think that is because with my first child, I was a militant mom and tried to control everything. When I realised that all that did was make my in-laws less willing to be with our kids, I adopted the above strategy. Things are some better, but they'll never have the relationship with my kids as they do with my SIL kids. I really regret that.

 

[delilah]

I treat my MIL as any adult that I need to deal with at times but don't particularly care for. My DH is an only child, and we have one adopted son. She has never babysitted a single time. Actually, we have been married for 26 years, and I can't remember anything in particular that she has ever done for us. When we were married, my FIL bought us a new car. Unfortunately, he died less than 6 mos later. MIL made one payment on the "gift" and announced she couldn't afford it. We were in graduate school at the time, living on a gross income of $700/mo. We had to spend every penny of our savings and borrow more to pay for that car. We are still paying the student loans. When the tags expired, she didn't have the decency to forward the bill so we could renew it. Since the car loan was in FIL's name, we had to completely pay off the car loan to register it in the state where we were attending school. About the time we were needing to pay off the car so we could get valid license tags and plates, she took up with her ex husband, less than 1 yr after FIL died. She had a falling out with him, and ended up staying in our one bedroom, three room tenement apartment for several weeks. During this time, she went through my personal belongings, threw away my cooking utensils because they were "cheap", and when her BIL, FIL's brother, died, she through the mass card away that DH's aunt sent us. When DH graduated from grad school, she did give us money for a down payment on a house, my husband remembers $1000, but, I remember that my father gave us $10,000, which we repaid. She has constantly made rude comments to me about everything, while accepting our financial support to the tune of $200-600/mo. Her favorite harangue is something about a "lady at the bank" who told her not to sign anything or she might lose her house. She did lose her house, but only because she was so demented that she couldn't take care of herself, let alone her house. I actually have become openly angry with her only once, and that was when she grabbed our cat and carried him by the tail because he was going out the door. I explained to her that the cat was ok outside, he would come in if she would leave the doorway and let me call him.

 

[eeyore kelly]

I know not all MIL's are horrible, nasty people, and I know that their are DIL's out there who are horrible, nasty people.

However, MY MIL is a horrible, nasty, mean, ghastly person. She has told my DH that she wants to raise our kids, but he pay for them, after he gets the evil witch (me) out of their lives. That is just the tip of the iceberg.

My DS, who has never heard me utter a bad thought about his grandmother, says she is mean and hurtful.

Yes, she did raise my DH but she also told him at the age of 10 that she wished he would have died in childbirth. My DH is a wonderful person, husband, father in spite of his family, not because of them.

It is NOT my fault my MIL is a mean, spiteful, and hideous person. She was that way before I met her.

I agree that some DIL's need to give a little more to the IL's, but not every MIL conflict is a DIL's fault. Some of us have tried and tried, and finally got tired of the proverbial kick in the teeth.