For all you DIL's

[Nancy]

Not all DIL's bash their MIL's...I get along great with mine. Yep, she does some things that bug me...but so does my Mom!

When my FIL was still alive he treated me better then my own Dad did..I really miss him even though it's been 17 yrs since he died.

Now, my DH doesn't get my Mom...she drives him crazy, but he still treats her with respect.

 

[TheGottis]

Originally posted by Patty3
My DIL is disrespectful to her parents as well.

I hate to say it, but if this woman has NO respect for her own parents, then it's pretty much a lost cause with you. Seems like somewhere along the line her parents 'dropped the ball'.

Best thing I could suggest is make sure the grandkids don't end up being in the middle of this tension...

 

[mrsgus06]

I wish I had my MIL. She passed away about a year before we were married. I only knew her for a short time. She was diagnosed the pancreatic cancer and passed within 30 days of diagnosis. The short time I did know her, she was wonderful to me and my children from a previous marriage.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Well I don't think you did anything wrong. My kids always ask to go to my mother/ MIL's house. If my mom says yes and it really isn't a problem they go. If it is a problem for me I tell them no.

You are right, if she had a problem with it she should have said " No not today."

My feeling is that my mother or MIL should not feel like they need to walk on egg shells where my kids are concerned. If it is not a good idea I will say so. That goes for if they say something in front of my kids or to me in private.

They had to be the"bad guys" when raising their kids. I can safely say the torch has been passed. One day I will pass that torch on to my children and their spouses/partners.

Boy I can't wait to be the "good guy"!!!!!

 

[Patty3]

crazyme5kids, thank you for understanding, I really needed that. When I give the Grandkids a snack, I am not giving them junk. They love apples and grapes, so I always have them on hand. Yes, they do contain sugar but it is not like I am giving them chips or chocolate.

 

[lapinluv]

Originally posted by Patty3
My Granddaughter asked if she could come to me house and I said yes. I got into trouble because I did not ask the mother first, she was right there. If she does not want her to come over, she should say so, I am not going to be the fall guy. If they are at my house and the children ask me for something to eat or drink, I have to always check with the mother first. If I want to buy them an outfit, I have to check with her. I once got a good tongue lashing because I brought my granddaughter a small treat without asking permission. I bend over backwards for them. My DIL is disrespectful to her parents as well. I did not raise my children that way.

As a DIL, I think you were out of line. You expect your DIL to be your daughter and she's not. All of your post smack of entitlement - You do so much fo them/You bend over backwards/etc. No wonder why there's friction. It seems that whatever things you do to "help" them comes with unspoken strings. I'm sure your DIL resents the heck out of that.

You should ask your DIL if it's okay to have the grandchildren come over or have a snack (even if it is something you deem healthy). She's their mother, not you. As for her being in the car, if she had interrupted and said no before you answered, she would have looked bad as well. She was in a no win situation there.

I also wonder about your comment that she's disrespectful to her parents. You seem to be demonizing her while chastising others not to demonize their MILs. Maybe whatever relationship with her parents works for them. Again, you can't expect her to fit your mold of perfect DIL, because you didn't raise her. If she loves your son and your grandchildren, that should be enough for you. She didn't marry you.

 

[crazyme5kids]

I am sorry but I have to step in again. Her DIL was there when her grandchild asked to go to her house. If it was not ok her DIL should have said "not today". Why didn't she open her mouth up right then and there. Kids need to learn that mom has veto power. Patty3 has every right to feel upset. Sounds to me like she feels very used.
Why is it when people vent and complain about their mothers or MIL's and have attitudes it is ok. Can't MIL's vent too.
Cut her a break we don't know all the details or facts.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

With my Mom and MIL I always jump in and answer DD's question if it is something she asks them and I don't want her to do.
MIL (and Mom) always asks me about snacks. I have never had to ask them too either. Most of the time I say yes, sometimes I say no. It just depends on the situation and how much junk vs. good food she has had.

I understand you are frustrated, but she IS the Mother. I would never assume with the DIL. JMHO

 

[lapinluv]

Originally posted by crazyme5kids
I am sorry but I have to step in again. Her DIL was there when her grandchild asked to go to her house. If it was not ok her DIL should have said "not today". Why didn't she open her mouth up right then and there. Kids need to learn that mom has veto power. Patty3 has every right to feel upset. Sounds to me like she feels very used.

I'm just speaking from the "other side" and I am one who has vented about my MIL, so it seems OP's first post was directed to people like me.

My DD asks my MIL to do things all the time and when I have interrupted to say no, I have both DD and MIL upset with me (because DD wasn't talking to me and I should have let my MIL handle it). If I say nothing, MIL is upset. Maybe MILs feel the same way - that it's a no win situation. But, if there is already tension there, then I think a situation like this exacerbates it, even if it's a little thing.

I would have no problem with OP venting about DIL, I just think her expectations are a little unrealistic and contributing largely to the problem. Not the the DIL is blameless - we usually aren't - but it's not all DIL's fault either.

If DIL is not being respectful or loving to her DH or children, then I can better see OP's point. But if she is, be thankful for that, respect her position as mother and let it go.

 

[cati]

xx

 

[justhat]

While your DIL may have issues with you, and I'm not saying they're baseless because I'm sure they are important to her, know that her gripes are pretty small compared to what other DILs face. Many would love to have a MIL like yours, especially those who are deceased.

 

[Nancy]

When my kids were little and asked to do something with the Grandmas in front of me and they couldn't do it I would jump right in and say "not today, but why don't you make plans for some other time" If my kids got mad at me..too bad, it certainly wouldn't be the first or last time that happened!

My MIL and my Mom pretty much were able to do what they wanted with the kids, I never put restrictions on them. If they got a snack or drink that they normally wouldn't get at home..oh well...they learned that there are some "special" things they can get at grandma's but not at home.

The way I looked at it was, they both raised some terrific kids..how much could they screw mine up? PLUS...both Grandparents are actually stricter on alot of things then I am.

 

[lapinluv]

I'm going to bail on this discussion because I'm probably too colored from my relationship with my MIL. She does help out on occassion, but like I mentioned upthread, it comes with unspoken strings - like that she can discipline my daughter or just see her whenever she wants (she actually picked my daughter up from pre-school one day without consulting me, just because she hadn't seen her in a week -- she didn't even have a car seat!)

I know I am rude to my MIL sometimes and maybe that is why this thread touched a nerve, but if you see some of my past posts, you can possibly understand why. I'm sure my MIL, like the OP, thinks she's wonderful and does so much and that I'm ungrateful. In fact, I know she does, she tells anyone who'll listen and my FIL has literally yelled at me on occassion for being disrespectful. But, I don't respect her or her beliefs and I won't apologize for it.

My family and DH's family couldn't be more different. Even so, my parents make an effort to be pleasant to them. MIL has no problem making fun of my "Eye-talian" roots. In the middle of dinner, she'll start to ask my parents if they have plastic on their furniture or eat spaghetti with a spoon or have gaudy decoration in the house. Where the heck does that come from? We're third generation Italian/Irish Ameriacans.

She firmly believes that women should be barefoot and pregnant and that I'm a horrible mother for pursuing a career. She thinks that blacks are all criminals and that he holocaust never happened. And don't even get her started on homosexuals. So, experiences like that do override (for me) any help she provides.

She also encourages DD to keep secrets from me. Last Spring, when she took DD out of pre-school, she took her to a local park. The bathrooms in the park were closed, so she had DD go potty in the bushes. For about a week afterward, DD had a rash on her butt, and I couldn't figure out why. I kept asking MIL if DD had eaten something out of place (DD has egg allergies). Finally, nearly two months later, DH and I happened to be talking about camping and having to go to the bathroom in the woods. DD piped up that she had done that with Grandma when they went to the park. I called my MIL and she laughed it off, saying she can't believe DD told "their secret." We realized, after the fact, that DD had had poison ivy on her rear. Plus, when DD was goin in the woods, she had peed in her sneakers and MIL never told us, just say they "gotten wet" at the park. Grr.

So, even though I can look back and see what MIL has done for us, it will never override the negative things she does. Maybe I'm too sensitive or ungrateful, but that's the way I feel.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Nancy are you my long lost twin? My evil sister always told me I was adopted!!!!

lapinluv I think you hit the nail on the head. Your reaction and many others that posted are based on your own relationships with your (here I will admit I read tthe MIL vent posts) how do I say it ? Nut job MIL's!

All I can say at this point is I feel for all of you. Your post remind me how lucky I am.

 

[Nancy]

I think I am just lucky...I have a great Mom and a great MIL!

 

[CamColt]

Originally posted by Patty3
So, before you bash your MIL take a second and think of all the good things that she has done for you in the past week or month and do not be so quick to judge without looking at your own actions. Sorry for the rant, she has pushed me to the edge.

Im sorry for what you are going through and I hope it works out. Maybe you should stop being so nice to her and then she will see how lucky she really is.

Unfortuantely, after my MIL passed away, DH and I could not come up with 1 nice thing she ever did for me. Everthing was either mean or just plain rude. I was never rude in return. So, I do feel justified for all the times I bashed her.

 

[mickeyboat]

My MIL passed away over two years ago and I miss her every day. She cared for my girls when they were very small and I am glad for all she passed on to them during that time.

I don't know how she would have been once the kids got a little older, but I assume she would be just as respectful to me as a parent as she was before.

She also kept my FIL in line. Now he is out of control.

We lived with FIL for 10 months while our house was being remodeled. If anyone else is considering this, please reconsider. I should have stayed in a tent.

It's one thing when your kids see their grandparents once in a while and you are disrespected as a parent, it is another thing all together when it happens on a daily basis.

The rule is no treats or snacks after dinner if you choose not to eat what is served. DD cried because she couldn't have any ice cream with her sister. So FIL got a bowl for himself - and shared it with her.

Every time we gave DD a time out, she would cry and fuss, finishe her time out, and run into FIL's arms. So for bad behavior, the ultimate consequence was a hug and consolation, because Mom is so mean.

It is going to take a long time to get my kids back to normal.

The biggest mistake I made was that I never sat down and had a rational, reasonable conversation with my FIL about what I expected. I should have done it at the beginning, so the ground rules were clear for both of us. Instead, I just held my tongue most of the time and let the resentment grow. I think our relationship has been irretrievable damaged. I wonder if things would be different now if we had reasonable expectations which worked for both of us. So we all were respected as valuable members of our childrens' lives.

Good luck to everyone.

Denae

 

[kasar]

I'm one of those crazy DILs who WANTS my kids to have a relationship with both their grandmothers, whatever that relationship brings. In fact, my own DM used to take my girls out for hot fudge sundaes for breakfast! Was it the best idea? Probably not. But once or twice a year, doing something so crazy and fun with their grandmother? Sure, why not.

I wish my MIL could see what she missed out on. I wish she would have offered to have them come to her house or given them fun snacks that they associate with her. Your DIL should be thanking her lucky stars that you're around and WANTING a relationship with the grandchildren - even if you do things differently. You're certainly not going to harm them with a few snacks. I'd say to keep trying!

 

[FayeW]

Patty3, from now on, whenever your grandchildren ask for anything, in or out of their mother's presence, repeat the following: "I'm sorry honey, I can't make that decision. You'll have to ask your mother." I think you will make your point, and maybe she will get tired of being nagged every 5 mins. I would do this even if you the mother is NOT there, and have the child call her to ask permission, and I mean for everything; drink of water, cookie, etc.

 

[goofy4tink]

While my mil has never been awful or out and out rude, she hasn't been the most loving to her dil's. She has 3 boys. She complained for years that she was never going to be a grandmother. Then I got pregnant (at 44 mind you). She was thrilled. Then bil and his wife got pregnant. Again, she was thrilled. Now my mil has a grandson and a granddaughter. But, we joke between ourselves that she really wanted 'refridgerater' grandkids...you know the kind..you just have pictures of the grandkids on the fridge. She has actually baby sat one time for us when dd was about 5 months old. She asked if they could so that we could take visiting relatives out to dinner. No problem. In fact I was thrilled that she was taking an interest. But, when we got home we were told that Katie didn't stop crying and they didn't know what to do and they just couldn't ever go through that again. We were gone for 2 hours!!
Then, about 4 years ago, dd was about 6 or so, we stayed overnight with my inlaws. My dd woke up early and around 7:30 or so she wanted to go see Grammie and Grampa. So, off she went and jumped into bed with them. Mil told dh later that day..."I think you should discourage that kind of behavior in Katie. She should stay upstairs." Poor dh.
She's not a bad person, just not a huggy warm and fuzzy person.