For all you DIL's

[Patty3]

I hear quite a bit of MIL bashing going around from time to time. Well, DIL's you are not perfect either, give us a break. I spend alot of time with my Grandkids babysitting them at least twice a week, always buying them clothes, taking them to lunch and just doing whatever I can to help out. But, let me do something that irks DIL and everthing good I have done goes out the window and I am answered with curt one word answers and dirty looks. No more, I am not holding my tongue anymore. I have tried to be a peacemaker. I have been married for 32 years and no matter what my MIL has done to me I always treated her with respect and would never talk to her in a disrespectful manner. It seems that some of the younger generation do not show the respect they should to their MIL and just plain forget who they are talking to. So, before you bash your MIL take a second and think of all the good things that she has done for you in the past week or month and do not be so quick to judge without looking at your own actions. Sorry for the rant, she has pushed me to the edge.

 

[chell]

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

I'm sorry to hear that your DIL is ungrateful and rude to you. That's just not right.

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

You might be a good MIL, but not all MILs are decent people. Mine is bad and I was definately one of the DILs bashing her (on this board too). I won't apologise for it either. You would too, if you were me! I have heard stories of people with decent MILs, I just don't have one.

 

[KathyTX]

Sorry to hear there's friction there.

I've been blessed with very sweet inlaws, who adore our son and treat us with love and respect and never meddle in our business. My DH says the same about my mom.

Just keep on loving and doing what you can for the grandkids, they will remember it always. (And maybe their mom will grow up and become an adult one day. )

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

Hmm...You make a good point RaHmommy. I must also say, the first post here comes across very angry and accusatory to DIL. This approach could also be seen as hurtful and not a way to build bridges.

 

[Beth76]

Originally posted by Patty3
I hear quite a bit of MIL bashing going around from time to time. Well, DIL's you are not perfect either, give us a break. I spend alot of time with my Grandkids babysitting them at least twice a week, always buying them clothes, taking them to lunch and just doing whatever I can to help out.

That's great that you do that, but my MIL doesn't. Of course, she lives 4 hours away. But, then you would think that she would consider the time she has with her grandson even that much more special. No. She gives us about an hour and then sort of forgets that we're there.

I'm sorry your DIL doesn't seem to appreciate everything you do for her. My parents help us out a lot and "hope" for some computer help from DH every now and then. He really doesn't like helping them with that stuff, but he does it anyway--with a smile. He knows how much my parents help us out.

 

[momsgonwild]

Hi! I just had a great visit with my MIL and FIL. They visited us here in Texas for the first time. I stressed out over the house being so-so, and cooking, etc. Best visit we have ever had. Not all DIL's are bashing. I have a really great set of in-laws. Hope things get better!

 

[Patty3]

Sheree Bobbins, my post may sound angry but I am more hurt than anything. I love my family dearly and would not do anything to jeopardize my relationship with my children. MY DIL is difficult and very tempermental. I can not do anything without asking her first. My Granddaughter asked if she could come to me house and I said yes. I got into trouble because I did not ask the mother first, she was right there. If she does not want her to come over, she should say so, I am not going to be the fall guy. If they are at my house and the children ask me for something to eat or drink, I have to always check with the mother first. If I want to buy them an outfit, I have to check with her. I once got a good tongue lashing because I brought my granddaughter a small treat without asking permission. I bend over backwards for them. My DIL is disrespectful to her parents as well. I did not raise my children that way. I would not say anything to me son because I do not want to cause problems. I keep my mouth shut, but her and I are going to have a little talk soon. Enough is enough. She was extremely rude to me this weekend in front of the family and I was very embarrassed and I am using this board to relieve my tension.

 

[2MuchOhana]

I understand your point and where you are coming from. I am sorry you don't feel respected or appreciated by your DIL. However, I am sorry but not all of us are lucky enough or blessed with kind, considerate or loving MIL's. Yes, I have bashed mine here on the boards. Partly because she treats me, her son and our DD like we are lower than the dirt she walks on. I have tried to be respectful of her and her feelings; and when I am not I have always owned up and apologized for my words or actions.

Things have gotten so bad between DH and his parents that he no longer wants them in his life. Even though I am the party that has been wronged the most am I am still trying to encourage him to make peace with them before it is too late. Funny but after 14 years of lying to our faces MIL finally confessed she never liked me. She wanted us to get a divorce and the whole nine yards. I am not stupid; I knew all along that was the way things were. It showed in the way she (they) treated me. Sorry but I will be not be her door mat. But, I have finally have been able to truly forgive them upon hearing the confession. I got my closure!

End of rant now!

I would be grateful to have a MIL that took an interest in my child or was willing to help in anyway. But that isn't going to happen.

Jodi

 

[HisEllyNelly]

I am sorry your DIL is so rude. But, my ex MIL never once visited her grandchildren in 2 years. She would come into town to get her hair done, but not once stop by to see her ONLY grandchildren. So yes, not all MILs are bad, but neither are all DILs.

 

[Crankyshank]

Sorry your DIL treated you so shabbily, but there's no way I am going to apologize for ranting about my MIL.
I have been nothing but patient and nice to her and she has done nothing but trash me for the most asinine and bigoted things. There's no excuse for that and I'm not sorry for what I say about her.

There's just as many bad MIL's as there are DIL. Instead of being accusational to those of us ranting about our MIL, how about acknowledging how trying in-laws can be (both on the child and the parent side of it)

 

[Disney Princess 6]

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[poohtown]

yep we DIL's can be as bad as the MIL's (but usually the MIL's are just nuts! - or maybe thats just mine - LOL).

my MIL babysits all the time too - just not my kids. For SIL, the kids are over all the time, go out to dinner, go shopping, the beach, the movies, etc. etc. etc. I found out she took them to this really neat exhibit a couple weeks ago (only about 20 minutes from my house) and she didn't even call us. It used to really p. me off but now I just learn to let it roll off my back. DH always knew that his brother was the favorite and unfortunately my kids will learn their cousins are too.

 

[Octoberbeauty]

Originally posted by Patty3
My Granddaughter asked if she could come to me house and I said yes. I got into trouble because I did not ask the mother first, she was right there. If she does not want her to come over, she should say so, I am not going to be the fall guy.

I find it amazing that you think you don't need permission from the child's parents before telling a little girl she can come over - grandparent or not. The timing may have been bad, the mother may have had something else planned or she may just want the common courtesy of being asked about "her" child. Now, if you'd said, "Of course you can come over if it's okay with your mommy." or something like that, then it would be okay. But it sounds like you don't respect the mother's wishes either. You're leaving the mother to look like the "bad guy" if she says no, not you!

I'm sorry your dil treats you poorly and I think it's wonderful that you want to spend time with your grandkids and help out as much as possible, but please remember- you are the grandparent, not the parent. Please don't just step over the parent in your desire to please yourself and your grandchild. JMHO

Hugs,
Sherry

 

[Patty3]

Octoberbeauty, my DIL was in the car when I was asked. She remained silent and did not say anything. I took this as she was waiting to see if it was alright with me. I realize that I am the Grandparent not the parent and if she did not want her to come she should have said so and not waited for my reply. I am not a mind reader and the mother should have spoken up. But as the Grandparent, must I ask if it is ok with the mother every time they ask me for a snack or a glass of milk? I do ask because I know that if I don't she will get mad. I definitely feel that I have to watch every move I make with her and it is very stressful. I never expected my mother to ask if these things were ok with me, I knew that she had my children's best interest at heart.

 

[Disney Princess 6]

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[Octoberbeauty]

Originally posted by Patty3
Octoberbeauty, my DIL was in the car when I was asked. She remained silent and did not say anything. I took this as she was waiting to see if it was alright with me. I realize that I am the Grandparent not the parent and if she did not want her to come she should have said so and not waited for my reply. I am not a mind reader and the mother should have spoken up. But as the Grandparent, must I ask if it is ok with the mother every time they ask me for a snack or a glass of milk? I do ask because I know that if I don't she will get mad. I definitely feel that I have to watch every move I make with her and it is very stressful. I never expected my mother to ask if these things were ok with me, I knew that she had my children's best interest at heart.

Well, I didn't say anything about snacks, etc, but since you asked.... My twins have 3 sets of grandparents and yes, they all ask first before giving them a snack. (With the exception of my mil, I didn't even have to ask to be given this respect. It's common courtesy.) Reason being, I like to regulate how much junk they have in one day and I would be the one to know whether they've already had too much sugar for the day or if we have something planned for the night, etc. Now, if they're spending the night, of course they don't call and ask. That would be ridiculous. It's not that you don't have the children's best interests at heart; it's that you haven't been around the child and know what they've already had. Does that make sense? I don't think you have to walk on eggshells to yell out, "Hey, can so and so have a snack?"

 

[Disney Princess 6]

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[Wishing on a star]

To the OP.... I do understand that you are venting!!!

But, a bit of 'attitude' may be showing as well.... You do sound like you care about your family, grandchildren, etc. And you really seem to have made a huge effort. I just want to point out one little tiny thing here. You mention that "I never expected my mother to ask if these things were ok with me" There is a HUGE difference here between 'you and your own mother' (who were probably pretty 'close' and had the same outlook) and your son's wife and her MIL (mother-in-LAW) This is KEY....

To you these little things you have mentioned may seem insignificant and harmless... But, as a DIL, I can tell you that sometimes there are indeed HUGE issues involved. WHENEVER your DIL is present, then SHE is the acting mother/caregiver. PERIOD. What you are doing is taking these little insignificant issues and putting them into a huge power-play.
Uhhhh-Ohhhhh!!!!

This is probably about unrealistic 'expectations' and hurt feelings on both sides. Remember, you are dealing with raw feelings here. And, you cannot simply 'expect' your DIL to interact with you the way you did with your own mother. (or even your own MIL......)

It sounds like there has been some considerable hard feelings and friction built up between you. My advice would be to NOT quote "Have a 'talk' with her".

What you want to do is to prevent these little molehills from turning into mountains!

I think maybe you could take a bit of a Cooling Off period, then mention it to your DS.... I am NOT saying discuss the whole situation behind your DIL's back!! Do NOT say, "DIL has treated me with disrespect...." Simply say something to the affect that you love your grandchildren dearly. And, you respect your son and your DIL as parents... And, you feel really badly that there seems to be a little friction there between you. Then maybe let him talk to his wife and see if would be a good idea for you all to talk and to make amends and come to some good common ground.

You may find out that this will put you and DIL back on some common and equal footing... and this will greatly reduce the perceived 'disrepect'.

Hugs and best wishes for you all!