First day of school was a disaster!

[kyra's mommy]

My heart is broken. I dropped dd 6 off at school for the first day of first grade and it didn't go well. In general my dd has some anxiety but especially seperation anxiety in particular. She has only gone twice this summer to a friend's house and a couple sleep overs with my Mom. Overall, we have the friends over because it freaks her out to be without me.

So, today when I tried to drop her off her anxiety peaked and she bolted after me when I tried to leave. She kept crying and saying "I can't do this" over and over. There's more to it but I'm sure you get the idea. It was awful. The teacher had to say that class needs to start, so basically please go. She held my dd while she addressed the class.

I just don't understand. I'm a good Mom, our life is stable, she is loved, well fed, well taken care of, so why all this anxiety? What do I do? I just feel like bawling my eyes out.

 

[tadamom]

I'm sorry her day went this way. I'm curious.....did she go to Kindergarten? If so how did she do then?

 

[tricia]

I knew my DS would be like this, so I started sending him to Daycare for 2 days a week a few months before school started.

Anyway, too late for that now. What I really want to ask is if there is anyone else that can drop her off for the first few days? My DS never made a fuss if DH was dropping him off, but acted very much like your DD when I did.

 

[tam626]

Aw, that's got to be tough on both of you. I was wondering too if she went to kindergarten. I had that problem when I was in second grade. I can't tell you why; I had a close relationship with my mom & there was nothing stressful going on. i think it's something some kids go through. I never even went on a sleepover until I was 15.

 

[snubie]

This is my greatest fear. I just left DD with my parents (2 weeks ago) for four days. It was hard at first to leave her but I think it was the best thing for both DD and I. She definitely gets too attached to me if she spends all her time with me so we plan multi-day events for her to stay with my parents or my sister.

 

[tjbaggott]

Be assured that in time, and sooner rather than later, your daughter will adjust. My son did this too. He is now 6 but was 4 when he first started school. I walked him to school because we live 2 minutes away. He was happy to go ect. till it was time to go into the school. THats the moment he would have to leave me. I remember the teacher Peeling him off of me, him screeming and crying. To be honest with you, I never cried. BUT only because, this is my 4th child, I run a home daycare and thus know, that those tears and fears are so brief, by the time he's in the classroom, he is settling in, the scene outside forgotten. After a week of that separation scene, the teacher suggested to me to try him on the bus, at least there wouldn't be the crying scene at school, it will have ended by the time he arrives at school. My little guy loved the school buses, wanted to go on one, so we got him a seat on a bus, and WOW! THere was no more of that separation scene getting on the bus either, he loved it!
I realize it's hard on a parent to see their child crying. Talk to the teacher to see how she is after 5 or 10 minutes or so once you are gone. If she's perfectly fine, content and happy, then that will make the morning scene easier for you to deal with, knowing that once you are gone, she's happy again.
One of the dad's for my daycare, doesn't prolong that morning drop off, because he knows his baby is crying because she knows Daddy is leaving but he also knows that within two minutes of him gone, she has stopped crying, and is content sitting in the rocking chair with me, or playing with toys. He wants to have her happier sooner, so he leaves pretty quickly.
Then I have another parent, who couldn't bare to leave their child crying and stays trying to help. I encourage them to leave assuring them it stops, pretty quickly. I had them step around the front of the house, out of eyesight of their child but within hearing distance, to prove, and it worked, that their child is easily distracted with a cuddle or playtime or waking the dogs ect....
Sorry for the long story...got carried away, lol.
Today is only day one, it will get better.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

My DD13 is an only child. She went to a babysitter from the time she was 5 mos. old. The first day of kindergarten she pushed me aside and ran for the school doors she was so excited. She has been to many sleepovers and has slept away from home (at my mom's, with my BIL/SIL, w/a family friend). No issues. Two summers ago she went to a summer program in D.C. and freaked. Hysterical crying, sobbing, begging, pleading, vomitting... after 2 days my DH went down and brought her home. Last year our grammar school merged with three others. The crying, hysteria, vomitting went on for almost two weeks. Finally, she settled down. The point of my post is just to let you know you're not alone, and sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for why kids react the way they do. I'm horrified at the thought of her going to high school next year, but she'll have to learn to deal with her anxiety. Hug her tight when she's home, but let her know she's going to have to find a way to cope with this new school year and new situation. I think every kid, to some degree, has stress about a new school year (new teachers, worrying about grades and projects, having to get back on a schedule). Just hang in there OP and you'll both be fine.

 

[kyra's mommy]

She went to preschool and kindergarten. She did do this a few times last year but I was hoping since she did go on a couple play dates this summer it might get better. I just find it so humiliating. There are 15 or more kids in the class and they are all fine. I try really hard to be a good Mom. It means so much to me that my children have a good childhood but I must be blowing it because all the other kids are fine but mine.

I'll see if DH can take her but since she starts at 8:30 it will make him late to work.

BTW it did seem to get worse after ds's arrival 18 mos. ago.

 

[tadamom]

I think separation anxiety can hit any child at any time.

You are a good mother, just b/c she cried this morning doesn't make you any less. My daughter cries sometimes at preschool when I drop her off...I am a teacher there as well and I think that has some to do with it b/c she would rather be with me than her teachers.

I agree with what a pp said about asking the teacher how she did after you left. I know that the kids I teach are younger than your DD (they are 2 yrs old) but in the beginning most will cry when dropped off but within 5-10 minutes you would never know it b/c they are playing or interacting with the teacher.

 

[Mkrop]

You are a good mom Please do not beat yourself up about it.

I am have two boys, my oldest(11) is very independent, could care less who he is left with, is always like "later Mom" when I dropped off. Camps, classes, school, he was fine. His thing was Bday parties, I could not leave him there until the beg of 2nd grade. I am not sure why it was ok to leave him at soccer camp but not at the bday party. No rhyme or reason.

DS6 is and always has been Mr Anxiety. He does not like going anywhere at the beg but is fine after a bit of time. He was like that the first couple of weeks at preschool, K he cried on the bus (he was the only one) He would stop when they reached Burger King. The bus driver made a game of if he could spot the BK before they reached school. He was liked that at Bible Camp. I dont know how he will be in Sept when he starts 1st grade but he is anxious about it.

DS6 is the homebody, Ds11 is climbing the walls if we are home for more than a day.


You are not alone!

 

[Native NYer]

You shouldn't find it humiliating or think you're not a good mom. I've been teaching kindergarten and first grade for the past 10 years and this is completely normal for some children.

From my experience, once mom/dad says their goodbyes, after some comforting from the teacher, the child is just fine. It may happen the next day, but it will decrease as the days and weeks pass. Talk to your daughter about the day's schedule the night before. Review everything from waking up, dropping off at school, what will happen at school, and pick up. Make plans to do something special, like play a board game or make cookies, after pick up. She'll have something to look forward to.

One thing that I find my students LOVE is getting notes from their parents in their snack and/or lunch. My assistant teacher and I spend snack and lunch time going around reading notes from parents. The children as SO happy to get a special little message. We encourage the child to save the note in their pocket or backpack.

I hope this helps.

 

[Candy30]

Kera,

First thing you must realize, It has nothing to do with your parenting. As PP have mentioned, there were several different situations with children experiencing the same thing. She will adjust with time. My daughter never went to preschool and did sleep over families and a select few friends house. When she went to kindergarten, she cried so much she made herself sick. It took her 2 months of her (with the teachers suggestion) of adding an hour a day before she stayed a whole day. It seemed that whenever I took her it was worse so I gave her a little picture of me to keep in her pocket before I would leave. It seemed to help with all the drama. With time she will adjust and you will be giving advice to another MOM!

 

[emma'smom]

I predict that you'll update this in a few days and everything will be going fine. When she won't give you the time of day at 16 because all she wants to do is be with friends, you'll recall this day with bittersweet irony.

 

[kyra's mommy]

I can't thank you all enough for the support. I don't know why this is so painful to me but I guess I'll get through this in time. I do find parenting the ultimate in highs and lows.

Once again though, I really do thank you for taking the time to send your thoughts to a woman you don't even know. People can truly be so kind. All your advice and thoughts help tremendously.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I can't thank you all enough for the support. I don't know why this is so painful to me but I guess I'll get through this in time. I do find parenting the ultimate in highs and lows.
Once again though, I really do thank you for taking the time to send your thoughts to a woman you don't even know. People can truly be so kind. All your advice and thoughts help tremendously.

Because when our children aren't happy, we feel the need to shoulder the blame. And you're right (second part highlighted above) -- nothing has taught me to feel more inadequate at times than being a parent.

 

[C.Ann]

She went to preschool and kindergarten. She did do this a few times last year but I was hoping since she did go on a couple play dates this summer it might get better. I just find it so humiliating. There are 15 or more kids in the class and they are all fine. I try really hard to be a good Mom. It means so much to me that my children have a good childhood but I must be blowing it because all the other kids are fine but mine.

I'll see if DH can take her but since she starts at 8:30 it will make him late to work.

BTW it did seem to get worse after ds's arrival 18 mos. ago.

Coming from a "grandma" here - you are not a bad "mommy" - nor is there anything to be "humiliated" about.. All children react differently to situations - it has nothing to do with your parenting skills..
I could tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end, but ultimately everything worked out fine..

Give her a little time to adjust and I think she'll be just fine..

This is what you need right now -

Hang in there - you're both going to be fine..

 

[Bren's Mom]

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

If it persists, as in her anxiety is affecting her at school all day then take her to the pediatrician or call them and ask for a referral to a child psychologist. Children can have anxiety disorders just like adults. They can also suffer from depression. Both are NOT a result of what their parents do or don't do, they are NOT your fault. But they CAN be treated. So if this is a persistent thing keep your eyes open and get your dd help.

If she's doing fine in school during the day, after a week or two adjustment period, then I wouldn't worry at all about it. If you think you're being too overprotective or encouraging this behavior by YOUR behavior in some way (I'm not saying that you are, just mentioning it in case you believe this) then work on your behavior. Let her go play with friends more often, encourage that. Encourage time alone with dad.

And...and I suspect there might be a key here...spend alone time (no sibling!) with her...special you and dd time. This may truly all be a result of adjusting to her sibling and not getting enough alone time with mommy.

You'll sort it out, because I can just tell that you're a GREAT mom, you obviously love your child and care about her well-bring.

 

[momofrrr]

Stay tuff Mom. My youngest daughter did the same thing. She was born when her brother was in 2nd grade and I was a SAHM so she was always at the school with me when I volunteered. She started Kinder when her sister was in 4th grade so it was not like she was "alone". She had gone to a prek program so the school idea was not new to her. At Thanksgiving of her Kinder year we made our trip to Disney and had a blast! Went back to school on Monday and she snapped. She would not get on the bus so I would try to take her, no luck there either. The principal, whose is still a friend, would meet me at the door after I had drug her across the parking lot and literally peel her off of me and "escort" her to class kicking and screaming. She started wetting her pants because she knew they would call me to bring her dry clothes.....needless to say, I felt very helpless when my 3rd child at the same school acted that way. She had a wonderful teacher and I am absolutely confident that nothing had happened to change her attitude.....anyway, I just stood my ground and did not give in to her. I paid no attention to her objections (once I was sure that nothing was up) and once she realized that it was not going to do her any good she stopped. She is now going into 8th grade and is just fine.

Hang in there Mom, this too shall pass!

 

[clutter]

I try really hard to be a good Mom. It means so much to me that my children have a good childhood but I must be blowing it because all the other kids are fine but mine.

This comment seems to say that you have a bit of anxiety yourself. If so, it could be affecting your dd. My mom was a big worrier, and I found that her worrying about me translated into me feeling that she didn't have faith in me to succeed. My sister was the same. Her grown son once said to me "I wish she had worried less about being a good mom and worried more about enjoying being a mom." My mom also worried a LOT about whether people thought she was a good mom or not. So much so that she couldn't make decisions until she'd found out what people would think. But you know, there are SO many opinions of good, really the only one that matters is YOUR OWN. If you think you're a good mom, you probably are. (Assuming you don't beat or verbally berate your child.)

I've tried to take that to heart with my dd. She was also a separation anxiety kid (and I worked, so you can imagine!). What I would do would build off of her successes. "Remember when you started kindergarten [camp, etc] and you were scared, but it turned out to be so much fun? You were brave and it all worked out. It always does." I figured that it was much more productive to remind her of what she's done well.

So stop worrying about being a good mom. List some of your dd's successes and remind her of them. You both need a good old confidence boost.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Been there ..done that. Please do not worry about the other parents. They have either been there or have no idea and either way is not your issue.

It will get better. Try to plan a fun time together for when she sees you again. Reasure as much as you can. Try to establish a rountine for drop off even if she is crying. Two kisses and mom leaves. Maybe a fun note or treat in her lunch box???