First Date Expectations

[Forevryoung]

I'm back to online dating. I just had a "disagreement" with my last "first date." I'm hoping you guys can answer it-

I won't go on a second date unless I feel a connection on the first date- something that grabs my interest and makes me WANT to spend more time with a guy.

My last "first date" wanted a second date and I told him I wasn't interested. He asked why. I told him I didn't feel a connection.

His response was that "first dates are to just meet someone and get a first impression and that it takes a lot of guys some time and comfort to show personality."

Should I be going on more second dates? Opinions?

 

[stepmommyof1]

I really do not know. But one thing I do know is don't let yourself be pressured into a date you don't want, especially after you have already said no. Don't go on a date you don't feel comfortable going on.

 

[njmom47]

Nope, I think your instincts kick in pretty quickly. If "it's" not there, "it's" not there. If you're not sure if "it's" there, you could give a guy a second date, I suppose.

 

[Angelhalo]

No reason to try to force something to happen if it isn't there. It's your dcision, not his. If you don't want a second date, then don't go on a second date.

 

[Disney Doll]

When I was dating, I always lived by the "3 strikes you're out" rule. Unless a guy did something that was totally scary or creepy, I'd give them 3 dates.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I agree with the OP. If it interest isn't there, it isn't there. He should be glad you are being honest so he doesn't waste his time.

 

[Acklander]

When I was dating, I always lived by the "3 strikes you're out" rule. Unless a guy did something that was totally scary or creepy, I'd give them 3 dates.

This. The way I figured it, anyone could have a bad day, and sometimes the nervousness of meeting someone new can effect how someone comes off. Personally, I'm very comfortable around people I don't know - but not everyone is an extrovert like me, so unless something is creepy, I give it another shot.

 

[southern_redhead]

When I was dating I had a very strong, internal radar. Not so much of whether a guy was bad or good but whether we were compatible. There were a few first dates I didn't think I'd make it through without bolting out the door - the guy just turned me off that much, but it wasn't that he was revolting or anything.

I guess if you didn't get a panicky "oh please don't try to hold my hand...eww!" feeling I'd say give it another try because, he's right, first dates are sort of the interview for a "real" date. OTOH, if you strongly feel you don't want to be with someone I'd tell you to keep declining.

 

[Agri]

I don't expect 'sparks' the first date, so I wouldn't rule out more dates just based on that. I would rule them out based on a really awful first date or if he wasn't that talkative or he talked too much about crap I don't care about.

I'm pretty lenient with a second date since I figure he's probably just as nervous as I am the first time around and the person I saw the first date probably isn't the same person I'll see on the second date.

And unless someone is really horrible, they might make good friend material if not good dating material.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

If my partner didn't give me a second date, I wouldn't have been with him the past 10 years. Our first date wasn't exactly a "match", but the second date we really clicked.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I vote for more than one date unless the guy is scary because either person could be having a bad day sending out bad vibes. it was a long time ago but I seem to remember a few guys I would have chalked off who ended up being pretty amazing.

 

[MistressMerryweather]

I think second dates are worthwhile. It's just too hard to be "you" on a first date. Some people also totally rub each other the wrong way at first, and then something clicks. I'd hate to miss out on someone really great.
That said, trust your instincts. If you have a bad feeling about someone or felt uncomfortable, I'd steer clear of a second date.

 

[NickNElliesMom]

I guess if you didn't get a panicky "oh please don't try to hold my hand...eww!" feeling I'd say give it another try because, he's right, first dates are sort of the interview for a "real" date. OTOH, if you strongly feel you don't want to be with someone I'd tell you to keep declining.

I agree, sometimes you really do just know it isn't right from the start. But some people are so nervous on a first date that they aren't really themselves. You may find that a second date will give you a better idea of the person you're meeting. But if you still don't feel a connection after 2 or 3 dates, I'd say it's best to be honest, and let them know.

 

[marymouse]

I agree with the "gut feeling" but sometimes nerves really do take over. It could take 3 or 4 times with somebody to really get their real personality. Sometimes you have to give it a few tries. Unless he was horrible I would give him at least one more chance.

 

[Hillbeans]

I think it depends on what happened on the first date. Did you spend 6 hours together and you know you're just not a good match, or was it coffee or drinks for an hour?

It's been awhile since i've been single, but I had a few "first only" dates where I felt no spark or any romantic connection whatsoever but most times I think giving a 2nd chance is in order - - especially if you were really looking forward to the date and had a good feeling going in.

 

[Forevryoung]

Thanks guys, next time I'll give it a second date.

It wasn't horrible, it was just a little strange.

We met for at Starbucks. He didn't offer to pay for my tea (minor but still). He obviously wanted the date to continue, he begged to go to Target with me next door. We had talked for more than an hour at that point.

And now he's arguing with me through text message. (I've stopped responding)

 

[disykat]

I agree it's not good for anyone to be pressuring anyone. That would be a red flag.

However, I'm in the "give it a few dates" camp if you enjoy their company. I didn't feel any particular connection with my dh on our first date, or our second - though he was a nice guy and we had a good conversation. I had it in my mind to say no if he called again, but he called with concert tickets to a concert I wanted to go to. I decided to accept, knowing he didn't know many people in town and he'd already bought the tickets. The third date turned it around for me, I started to feel attracted. We've been married 20 years.

 

[lady_bug_888]

I ALMOST did not give DH a second date. There were a few things that came up during our first date that sort of made me think...yellowish flags I guess. I decided there were so many things I liked about him that I gave him a second date and we've been inseparable ever since. I think he was just nervous on the first date.

I would say give people a second date unless there is some definite red flag or you just KNOW that it won't work. Go from there.

 

[onelilspark]

The thing about online dating is that you've already gotten to know this person. You've probably already been talking to them for a good amount of time before meeting. Then you meet, and sometimes the connection just isn't there the way it was online. It happens.

I don't understand wasting someones time by going on a second date when you know you're not interested. Wouldn't we all be blasting the OP for leading the guy on otherwise? Idk, I'm with you OP, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.

 

[Imzadi]

I really do not know. But one thing I do know is don't let yourself be pressured into a date you don't want, especially after you have already said no. Don't go on a date you don't feel comfortable going on.

DITTO!!!

He obviously wanted the date to continue, he begged to go to Target with me next door. We had talked for more than an hour at that point.

And now he's arguing with me through text message. (I've stopped responding)

HELLO! How many warning signs do you need? Poet Laureate, author, director, and longtime Oprah mentor, Maya Angelou has a saying, "People always show you who they are in the first 20 minutes of meeting them. OUR problem is that we don't want to believe what we see."

You saw enough about him that you KNOW you do not want to see him again. YES, you saw all the red flags you need.

Even with nerves, this guy leaked enough of who he is for you to see:
This guy begged, argued, and is now pressuring you.
Do you think this would get better on a second date or for a lifetime? When he relaxes later, and because you gave in to his pressure or demands, he will get worse. He crossed a boundary and you let him get away with it.

While this doesn't sound like a potentially dangerous situation, these rules still apply in non-violent situations also. The leading security expert in the country, Gavin de Becker says:
"When a man says "No", it's the end of a conversation. When a woman says "No," it's the beginning of an negotiation."

He also says, "What part of NO do you not understand?"

He says a strong red flag is when you say no, and a man disregards that boundary. This man already showed you who he is ON THE FIRST DATE. He disregarded your boundary & needs by putting HIS needs & wants FIRST by begging to go to Target. Now, he's arguing in texts. You think he will back off later when you are in a relationship?

People exhibit PATTERNS of behavior and thought processes. This man exhibited on the first date, (probably even in the first 20 minutes,) that he disregards your boundaries, needs and wishes. Patterns are NOT a one time thing. That's what makes them patterns. THAT is what Maya Angelou meant when she said, "People always show you who they are in the first 20 minutes of meeting them." People are always leaking, forecasting who they truly are by their patterns of behavior - nerves or not.

You have seen enough to know you don't want this guy.

Trust your instincts. You will know when you want to give a man a second date, even if the first one doesn't go well. Something will be different, and you will want to give him a second chance. You didn't want to this time. Trust your instincts.