Finding out your parents are not perfect

[FreshTressa]

It is funny. Growing up, I thought my parents were perfect. They always taught me strong morals and never let me get away with anything. I also had a pretty perfect childhood.

Because of this, I've always been 'a good kid' and have never really gotten in trouble.

Well, now as an adult, I am learning all the things my parents did wrong. My dad was a deadbeat dad for another child that was a few years older than me by his first wife. He spent time in jail, he got kicked out of school etc.

My mom abandoned her first four kids and moved to a different state. One of her other kids was raised thinking she had a different dad. She has abused drugs. She has had affairs(she cheated with her best friends husband!!!) and has done a few pretty awful and hurtful things.

I guess all of this was done before I was born and they have lived the last 35 or so years in relative peace.(They are now in their 60's) And, they have never been anything but good to me my whole life.

I am just having trouble reconciling these behaviors with the parents I feel so close to and love. I trust them with everything that is dear to me.

I guess I just have to realize that people do change and I need to forgive them for these things....it is just so hard for me to understand how they could do these things.

Anyone else have parents like this?

 

[beckmrk04]

Anyone else have parents like this?

You mean human and FAR from perfect? Yep! I do!

 

[robinb]

Anyone else have parents like this?

No, but my mother's husband is like that. He is a wonderful grandfather to my child and my sister's kids. He is an indifferent father and grandfather to his own kin. It hurts me that his own flesh and blood does not experience the same "Grandpa" that we do.

{{hugs}} Don't feel bad that you were not messed up by your family. Their support and your inate strength have made you the person you are ... one of the strongest alpha on the DIS (and as a dog owner you know of what I speak).

 

[jfulcer]

I guess I just have to realize that people do change and I need to forgive them for these things....it is just so hard for me to understand how they could do these things.

Anyone else have parents like this?

People make mistakes, and regret them terribly. That's why they probably did such a good job with you because they got the mistakes out of the way first.

My question is why do you need to forgive them for things they did before you were born? Since those issues didn't impact you growing up, wouldn't forgiveness need to be between themn, the other abandoned people/husbands/etc, and God (or a higher being?)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is funny. Growing up, I thought my parents were perfect. They always taught me strong morals and never let me get away with anything. I also had a pretty perfect childhood.

Because of this, I've always been 'a good kid' and have never really gotten in trouble.

Well I was the polar of opposite of you. My parents drove me bonkers because they made the stupidest decisions and let me run the streets.

The bottom line you have to understand is that you have to accept things as they are and move along.

My parents haven't changed one bit. But as I get older I accept they are just not that smart when it comes to certain things, esp. financial decisions.

With your parents, you have to trust they did the right thing at the time. Remember hindsight is 20/20 and it was a different time back then.

 

[FreshTressa]

I guess I would want to forgive them on behalf of my brothers and sisters. I do feel angry with them for not being who I thought they were. Also...it is just plain disturbing to find these things out about someone you thought you knew so welll. It is hard for me to imagine them, as I know them, being capable of these things.

I will never say anything to them or confront them. I am mostly appreciative that I was the receiver of their changed ways and still love them dearly.

It is just weird not to see my mom as perfect anymore, which is how I have always viewed her. I thought I could never live up to how good and great she was.

And thanks robin for your kind words!

 

[AC7179]

Yep, I totally thought my parents were perfecet too. I still love them and admire them, but yes it is kind of a blow to figure out they are human like the rest of us!

 

[miss missy]

No I dont. But WOW they really did change! Hey some people have to mess up a lot before they wake up. They did some bad things for sure, but I do not think you should hold it against them now. I think when we are kids we see our parents as pretty perfect... as we grow we see faults... some are big some are small... just don't let their past ruin your future with them.

Edit to add: I wrote this above after only reading your OP, I see we think a like. The word perfect came up for us both.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Several skeletons came out of the closet about my parents several years ago. They were mortified and had kept these secrets for years because they didn't want the kids to think less of them. I told my Mom that finding out that she had made some of the same choices and mistakes that I had in my adult life made me see her as more human and love her that much more. She about cried when I told her that!

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is just weird not to see my mom as perfect anymore, which is how I have always viewed her. I thought I could never live up to how good and great she was.

See, this is the part that really gets to me. No your mom was, and is, not perfect. She is human. And, really and truly, the attitude that she was 'more than human' and that 'you could never live up to her' is really not healthy.

This has always been a huge problem for my DH who viewed his father as 'holy'. No way can you individuate from your parents, become completely mature and self assured (big self esteem issues involved here), etc.. if there is this type of attitude.

PS: In reality, I knew my DH's dad to be a self-righteous, rude and crude, jerk. This difference in perception of reality caused some issues in our marriage.

 

[Michie]

People make mistakes, and regret them terribly. That's why they probably did such a good job with you because they got the mistakes out of the way first.

My question is why do you need to forgive them for things they did before you were born? Since those issues didn't impact you growing up, wouldn't forgiveness need to be between themn, the other abandoned people/husbands/etc, and God (or a higher being?)

Exactly!! Good grief their mistakes happened decades ago. I really dont think it is any of your business in a way. Enjoy and love your parents while they are here. Both of my parents have been gone for years, I would give an arm and a leg to seem again, flaws and all.

 

[mom2rb]

My parents were 15 with my brother and 17 with me. We lived all of their mistakes. My dad was in his 30's when my little brothers were born. The love is the same but the parenting skills definitely improved.

 

[sajetto]

Everyone makes mistakes, but its hard to see your parents as everyone else. Mine got married at 16 and have hit some serious rough patches along the way that includes infidelity on both sides. They are nearly 60 now and have a wonderful marriage, but it hasn't always been that way. I didn't learn that my mom cheated on my dad which prompted him to do the same until I was 20 and it was a bitter pill to swallow because I always thought they had the perfect marriage. I'm just thankful that they stuck together and worked through it, but I understand where your coming from and although I can't give any advice I can give a hug

 

[disneymouse]

Well I was the polar of opposite of you. My parents drove me bonkers because they made the stupidest decisions and let me run the streets.

The bottom line you have to understand is that you have to accept things as they are and move along.

My parents haven't changed one bit. But as I get older I accept they are just not that smart when it comes to certain things, esp. financial decisions.

With your parents, you have to trust they did the right thing at the time. Remember hindsight is 20/20 and it was a different time back then.

we must have the same parents!

 

[Luv'sTink]

Did you know growing up you had 5 siblings?

My parents never did anything that bad but they never hid it either that is why I guess we laugh about the things that happened while we were growing up. We had no shocks for us.

 

[FreshTressa]

Did you know growing up you had 5 siblings?

Yes, though I never met my dad's one son until I was older. Also, there is a girl that called when I was 14 claiming to be my dad's daughter that looks just like me but blonde, but my dad refused to have anything to do with her since she called to ask him for money.

My mom's four other kids lived with their dad growing up, but moved in with us once they turned 18. We saw them whenever we were in the state, and we are all quite close now. I see them at every family get together. It just weirds me out that she had four kids which she left with her ex to move to another state with my dad.

Guess that might explain why I'm the least flakiest of the six of us, lol.

 

[Kimmielee]

Parents. Where would we be without them? I have found that living with this in mind helps me...

My parents were not perfect, they made mistakes. I am not perfect, I make mistakes. I can forgive them and love them even more because I hope my child does the same to me later in life.