Finding love after divorce, has it happened to you?

[BellvilleDad]

A gentleman will not feel the need to force himself upon you. And while the argument could be made that inviting him to your apartment may have sent the wrong signal about where you wanted the night to go, nonetheless, when you said to slow down, he should not have been "resistant".

This man wouldn't say that. No means no, under any circumstances.

To the OP, my first wife found the man of her dreams about a year after we married and left me for him. I moved in with a buddy of mine. About a month after I moved in with him, I ran into a old friend whose sister I tried to date before my first wife and I married. She wouldn't go out with me back then. My friend was trying to get me to help setup her sister with my buddy. I said "What about me?" and explained to upcoming divorce.

My friend's sister and I have been happily married for 15 years now.

 

[Arielle22]

My oldest sister was married in her early twenties to a real loser. He cheated on her (in their bed) while she was at worked. He lied constantly and stole from her and from our mother.

She finally left him and a man at her work approached her after hearing about the upcoming divorce. They were married 2 years later and have been together 15 years. BIL2 is a great, down to earth guy.

My sister was reading the obituaries about a month ago and found out DH1 had died. Through a mutual friend my sister learned he never accomplished anything with his life and continued to sponge off his family.

 

[frndshpcptn]

A gentleman will not feel the need to force himself upon you. And while the argument could be made that inviting him to your apartment may have sent the wrong signal about where you wanted the night to go, nonetheless, when you said to slow down, he should not have been "resistant".

thanks technically, I didn't invite him. He invited himself and I was just too taken aback by his forwardness to say no. Sounds stupid now that I think about it, but in the moment I just made a dumb choice to let him come up. And he was only up there for about 20 minutes before I realized I really didn't want this and was able to find my backbone and send him on his way.

He called again this weekend - I didn't answer and haven't called him back yet....he says he doesn't want a relationship. I can guess what he did want then when he called...

 

[fiveforall]

I was a mom with three small kids when I met my husband. I didn't think I'd ever remarry, but God sent me a wonderful husband who has been a fantastic father to my children.

 

[Disney Doll]

thanks technically, I didn't invite him. He invited himself and I was just too taken aback by his forwardness to say no. Sounds stupid now that I think about it, but in the moment I just made a dumb choice to let him come up. And he was only up there for about 20 minutes before I realized I really didn't want this and was able to find my backbone and send him on his way.

He called again this weekend - I didn't answer and haven't called him back yet....he says he doesn't want a relationship. I can guess what he did want then when he called...

And I was not trying to say that I necessarily thought that...I was just preparing you for the inevitable someone saying "Well, allowing him to come up to your apartment gave him the wrong idea", because it would have been said.

Believe me, I understand. I dated men, before DH, who, at the end of the evening, would be looking for more intimacy than I thought was warranted for a first or second date. When I would demurr, they'd say "But I paid for your dinner". Thankfully, my father the cop always taught me to have money in case I needed to pay for a cab or something, so I would invariably hand the man half the cost of our meal and say "Now I bought my own dinner so you can go". And don't get me wrong, I was happy to treat or even go Dutch on early dates...truly, I understand that money can be tight and dates can be expensive so I was never one to "expect" the man to always pay. If it was someone who I dated for a period of time, I would buy sporting event tickets or theater tickets or whatever as a way to sort of try and "repay" some of the money they were spending if they were the old-fashioned type who thought that the man should pay. But I did draw the line at having to prostitute myself for dinner!

As far as your guy who keeps calling OP...I think I'd be busy. Get yourself involved in some things you like to do...groups and stuff are a great way to meet people and they are people you already have at least one commonn interest with. Build your life and the person will come along who will fit into it.

 

[Imzadi]

This is a very encouraging thread

I'm still recovering from the end of a 7 year relationship and have forced myself to go on a few very not great dates.

I had one date that I really sort of enjoyed - I talked to the guy for 3+ hours the first time we spoke on the phone, then for another hour the night before we went out (and I am not a phone person AT ALL).

We went out and I had a nice time - then he got really grabby / touchy which made me uncomfortable. He even invited himself up to my apartment (which I'm embarassed to admit I went along with as I was too surprised at the questions to think straight and say no.) When I asked him to slow down / stop he was resistant. Which I also didn't like. I finally just asked him to leave. Then he emailed me 4 days later to say he just wanted to be friends. Awesome.

I'm not sure what bothered me more - I really enjoyed talking with him and there haven't been many people I've enjoyed meeting lately - or the fact that he was so agressive. And it turns out we know about 50 of the same people - we went to school at the same places from pre-school on (no idea how we had not met before this). UGH. And I am super-mad at myself for even considering the idea of being friends (I could stand to expand my social circle a bit post-break up with the ex).

Anyway - I'm glad to hear there is hope out there!! (sorry to hijack!!!)

A gentleman will not feel the need to force himself upon you. And while the argument could be made that inviting him to your apartment may have sent the wrong signal about where you wanted the night to go, nonetheless, when you said to slow down, he should not have been "resistant".

frndshpcptn, you already answered your own question. Your story has Red flags all over it. I agree with Disney Doll. This man disregarded and violated your boundaries and what you wanted. It would be a sign of things to come - even in 'friendship."

Author, wise woman, Maya Angelou always says, "People show you who they are in the first 20 minutes of meeting them. Our problem is that we don't want to believe what we've seen. We're uncomfortable with the darkness and want to make people okay."

I think you are possibly coming from a scarcity mentality right now and trying to talk yourself into only seeing the few good things about this guy and disregarding, yourself, the bad red flags, to make him okay. It may be a pattern you have. Don't let scarcity make your decisions, or talk you out of what you know is the truth. Don't settle for the few scraps of good conversation now and again. He would continue to disregard your feelings & needs when given the chance. (It's also called disrespect.) And then change the story later, like saying, he decided you should just be friends. That's called screwing with reality. It makes people insane.

My first husband was all grand gestures but no substance.

I wonder if he's the brother to several of the men I dated. I'm taking it a lot slower now and willing to wait out all the grand gestures to find out who the real man will be, there in the longer run.

I am also encouraged by reading this thread. But, I also won't settle if he never shows up. My heart & soul has paid too heavy a price by staying too long with the wrong men. I also counsel battered women. I've witnessed too many of the emotional scars & after effects.

 

[ols386]

Op....yes I definitely think you can find that special someone after a breakup or divorce. And ya never really know when or where it will happen. It's not something you can force. Just have to let things happen naturally.

 

[amez]

My husband met me

He was married for about four years, divorced and finally met me. On Wed. we are celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary.

 

[paintnolish]

I got married when I was young and stupid. My husband was controlling and verbally abusive. When I got divorced, dating wasn't even in my vocab! Finally, I thought it might be nice to go on a date, so I joined match.com. I talked to a few nice guys, but the only one I met IRL became my dh!

 

[apirateslifeforme]

Another huge YES here!

I was married for 8 years (together for almost 11 years) to an extremely abusive compulsive liar. We separated in July 2006 and divorced in February 2007. I resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life, even though I was only 32 at the time. I just didn't want to go through it again and I also didn't think "Mr. Right" existed.

But in early 2008, I thought maybe I could start looking to see what was out there. I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend, but I was curious as to who was out and about. Yahoo! Personals came up with nothing, but on July 28, 2008, I signed up on eHarmony. Two weeks later, on August 12, I was matched to Jason. He contacted me first...I opened his profile and Not only was he good-looking, but I was really drawn to him after reading his profile. Something just felt right...

So I answered him, we went through all of the guided communication and then started the open communication, and finally met for the first time in November 2008. Our first coffee date lasted 4 1/2 hours and only ended because he had to go to his hockey game (he plays in a Sunday-evening league).

We've now been together for over a year and we're talking about marriage and a baby. I feel like a giddy teenager again and I get a stupid grin on my face every time I think about him. He is absolutely the love of my life

 

[cheermom1]

I have to say YES!!!! my story is a little different than most...ok here goes..

I married real young and had my kids then he just left!! A friend of mine and her dh set me up with his BF. We hit it off right off the bat however he couldn't keep a job, he was young and had no kids. we didn't last b/c of that. fast forward almost 10 years and we run into each other at a local home improvement store. I found out he just got divorced and had kids of his own. We pretty took off from where we left off all those years ago.

 

[PatsGirl]

They keep telling me there's hope out there but I'm truly beginning to wonder It's tough being a single parent in the dating world ~ I bounce between not wanting to divide my attention between my daughter and the few men I've dated and knowing someday she will be grown and off on her own and I'll be here by myself. I guess if I met the right one I wouldn't feel so "pulled"...it might feel right

 

[mrsheppo]

I had been married for almost 12 years to a verbally and physically abusive man. I was left with 4 young kids and I felt I wouldn't find anyone. I had been divorced about 5 years when 1 day at work, a guy that I knew very casually was in the break room at the same time I was. I just stopped and said hello to him. Next thing I knew, he came and sat down with me. The next day he asked me on a date. I proceeded to tell him that I was a single mom with 4 kids and he told me that was okay as he was divorced and had 6 kids. Three months after the first date we were married and have been for almost 12 years now. We have also adopted a child so between us we now have 11 kids (though 10 are adults).

 

[pajamommy]

Yes, it has happened to me! About a year and half after my divorce, I felt ready to date again....so I signed up for Match.com. One of my very first dates was a wonderful guy named Tony....we hit it off from the start, and have been together almost 5 years now. We just got engaged in October, he proposed on my 43rd birthday. We both have kids and live in different towns, but we are willing to wait a bit to get married....maybe even a few years until the kids are older. So, you see, it doesn't matter how old or heartbroken you are.....dreams can come true! Good luck!

 

[tar heel]

I hope my DH would say you can! He had been divorced about four years when we met each other at work. We became good friends, then more. We'll celebrate our 28th anniversary in June.

 

[paintnolish]

Yes, it has happened to me! About a year and half after my divorce, I felt ready to date again....so I signed up for Match.com. One of my very first dates was a wonderful guy named Tony....we hit it off from the start, and have been together almost 5 years now. We just got engaged in October, he proposed on my 43rd birthday. We both have kids and live in different towns, but we are willing to wait a bit to get married....maybe even a few years until the kids are older. So, you see, it doesn't matter how old or heartbroken you are.....dreams can come true! Good luck!

Hurray for match! I know so many people who have met and married people they met on the site!

 

[MouseJunkie]

Hurray for match! I know so many people who have met and married people they met on the site!

Well, would you send some of that luck my way? I'm having no luck on that site. Just a few driveby's. (They wink. I wink back and then they disappear.) I'm really feeling the "you're getting old and you're going to be the little blue haired lady stuck in the back of your cousin's Buick." feeling going on.

I will say I did meet one guy on there last year, that was promising, but I goofed up with him because my ex walked back into my life with a boatload of lies and empty promises and like a fool I bought it. Yeah, I let a good guy go for round 2 of crazy town. Live and learn!

 

[paintnolish]

MouseJunkie- Oh, pshaw (That's right. I said pshaw.)! I am sure your Prince Charming will come along. One of dh's friends hasn't had much luck on match, either, though. Sometimes she'll take a break and suspend her membership. She waits for a new crop of guys to roll in! How is your profile? Do you think it accurately describes you? Is there something to catch a guy's eye, like a funny quote or something, that sets you apart from the other women? Also, pursue the wink a little. Chat online and see if it leads anywhere.

Here is my rundown of Match couples...
X-best friend (long story) was divorced and met her now dh on match. She was the one who encouraged me to join.
2 coworkers I know used match. One couple (the man was divorced) got married and one is living together.
Dh's coworker (who became good friend of mine) met her fiance on match. DH and I are both standing up at their August wedding!

 

[MouseJunkie]

MouseJunkie- Oh, pshaw (That's right. I said pshaw.)! I am sure your Prince Charming will come along. One of dh's friends hasn't had much luck on match, either, though. Sometimes she'll take a break and suspend her membership. She waits for a new crop of guys to roll in! How is your profile? Do you think it accurately describes you? Is there something to catch a guy's eye, like a funny quote or something, that sets you apart from the other women? Also, pursue the wink a little. Chat online and see if it leads anywhere.

Here is my rundown of Match couples...
X-best friend (long story) was divorced and met her now dh on match. She was the one who encouraged me to join.
2 coworkers I know used match. One couple (the man was divorced) got married and one is living together.
Dh's coworker (who became good friend of mine) met her fiance on match. DH and I are both standing up at their August wedding!

Okay, don't laugh at me (lol), but what's pshaw??? Yeah, I'd say my profile describes me pretty accurately and I'd like to think I'm pretty funny; so there is a splash of humor here and there in it. I'd pursue the wink if they didn't disappear after I winked back.

I know...I know...going to find some cheese for my whine. ha ha

My biological marriage clock is ticking...will be 37 in two weeks.

 

[MouseJunkie]

Gee, I wonder what song just started running through my head. Someday my prince will come...lol Afterall, it's the Disney boards. What else would I be singing?