finding drugs in the teens room

[Deb Quen of Colorado]

So the back story...

last winter I found pot in the oldests room. Yep, I was snooping and going through stuff. Confronted him, laid down the law and thought we had gotten through to him.

And now, lately he has just been acting odd, a little off and I kinda knew in the back of my mind I needed to step in. The morning I did light snooping and found more pot and the empty bottle of codine cough syrup. I am beyond furious.

So I am at a crossroads on how to deal with this/him. Do I put it all back and confront him and give him the chance to come clean? Do I just go and sweep his room of all the fun stuff- long boards, games, phone, and have him earn them back?

My head is just swimming and I don't even know how to type what I am feeling all out.

Other details...
I just finished a pretty heavy schedule of chemo, been dealing with that since may.
he is 17
dad is a more of a yell and scream when things are bad then back to being best friends kinda guy. I have called him but just left a message.
stepdad/husband will support me in whatever I decide.


So what would you do or have you done in this situation?

 

[OK!]

I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry you're going through this! Best of luck.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

So the back story...

last winter I found pot in the oldests room. Yep, I was snooping and going through stuff. Confronted him, laid down the law and thought we had gotten through to him.

And now, lately he has just been acting odd, a little off and I kinda knew in the back of my mind I needed to step in. The morning I did light snooping and found more pot and the empty bottle of codine cough syrup. I am beyond furious.

So I am at a crossroads on how to deal with this/him. Do I put it all back and confront him and give him the chance to come clean? Do I just go and sweep his room of all the fun stuff- long boards, games, phone, and have him earn them back?

My head is just swimming and I don't even know how to type what I am feeling all out.

Other details...
I just finished a pretty heavy schedule of chemo, been dealing with that since may.
he is 17
dad is a more of a yell and scream when things are bad then back to being best friends kinda guy. I have called him but just left a message.
stepdad/husband will support me in whatever I decide.


So what would you do or have you done in this situation?

The very first thing I would do is make an appointment with an addiction counselor while he is still underage and you can make him go and before the cough syrup escalates into something bigger.

Screaming at him, taking away his stuff won't help him with his problem. If this is a second offense, he needs help by a professional to figure out why he is doing drugs.

 

[LindaR]

Wow. Sounds like this is not going to go well. What kind of friends does he have? What rules have you set? Do you enforce them or cut him "slack" often?

Go buy a drug testing kit. Addiction is a horrible, horrible thing. You need to really SEE what's going on (not what he tells you) and talk to professionals.

 

[babytrees]

My guess is he needs more help than a sweep of his room will do...espescially if he has moved to codeine cough syrup. But what that is I am not sure. Have you talked to the school counselor or another professional?? That would be my first step after crying my eyes out.

 

[EdiePA]

I send the advice of a PP -- get him an addictions counselor now. I went down this road with DS#2 -- twice! He is now a great guy, in dental school, but we sure went through a rough patch.

His counselor met with him weekly and also with us. We had him drug tested and he knew that his room was no longer "his". His counselor also made him attend some NA (Narcotics Anon.) meetings. Talk about scared straight.

Huge hugs to you!

Edie

 

[mjkacmom]

My oldest is only 13 (and, so far, very anti-drugs), but my plan has always been that I trust you, until you give me a reason not to. Then, I will do random drug tests (which the child will pay for), and if it's positive, there will be extreme consequences. It's probably not a bad idea to meet with a counselor. I admit that I used to smoke pot when I was 17. I turned out fine - never went on to other drugs. However, thanks to Facebook, I have sinced learned that many of the people I hung out with didn't fare so well, and one even OD'd.

 

[EthansMom]

At a minimum, I would probably have a long sincere conversation with my child about the consequences of drug use/addiction, would restrict his/her free time; and remove as much privacy (take the doors off the hinges) as possible. If he/she wants privacy and trust, he/she needs to earn it.

Both DH and I have close relatives who are (have been) addicted to drugs.

Hugs.

 

[kafitty]

i really have no advice, even though i've been on the receiving end of both types of punishments.

i just wanted to let you know that, even with my addictions, i turned out really well, so while this could certainly go the other way with your son (and i hope that's not the case), this doesn't necessarily mean he's doomed for all time, either.

good luck!! i can't imagine how hard this is for a parent to deal with...even though i SHOULD have plenty of experience.

 

[RadioNate]

Truthfully, I feel bad for you and your DS. He obviously has some issues and isn't just a bad kid taking a walk on the wild side so to speak.

I really don't think, for this kid, punishment is the answer.

I think you need a therapist who is familiar with drug addiction and maybe things like PTSD. I know PTSD may not sound right but you just finished chemo, cancer is a hard load for anyone to bare. It is traumatic. I'm also sure that it can be quite isolating, no matter how supportive your peers appear to be.

ETA - I had originally read it that the son had chemo not the OP but my advice still stands. Watching a parent go through that can be very hard on a child. I don't really think a lot of 17 year olds are talking about their mom's cancer with their buddies.

I watch my younger cousin deal with her mom's cancer and she did not fare well at all. I think talking to someone early on would have helped a lot.

 

[TinklednPants]

Well whatever you do don't throw it out.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

First and foremost here is a . I have been there with my stepson. I will honestly admit, there was nothing my DH and I could have said or done that would have helped. Laying down ground rules, room sweeps, grounding, etc. Your son needs to go to the dr. who will refer him as they see fit to either a counselor or an inhouse drug rehabilitation center. He shows signs of progression. Please do not be embarrassed or feel that you have failed in any way. Make sure that you and your DH (and any other children) also go for counseling to deal with the situation. So sorry this has happened, my thoughts are with you.

 

[Deb Quen of Colorado]

Questions and clarifacation

how long do the drugs stay in their system? how much would a drug test tell me?
How do you know if it is addiction or just using.. and is there a differance??

I am the one that went through chemo, not him.
We have talked, a lot!, about drugs and consequences of taking them and all that. I think drug education through school has kept him away from harder drugs but has made pot seem ok to use.
He is an uninvolved kid and we just can't seem to get him to 'do' anything. No clubs or school activities, tough to find a job here right now and all he really does is hang out. We try to get him to engage more and just dead brick walls. He isn't a bad kid, just a keep to himself kinda guy. He does his chores and helps when asked around the house, answers when talked to.

 

[LukenDC]

Sounds like a lot is happening in the family. Cancer is an illness that takes a toll on the entire family and I'm sure that he is worried about you. Being a teenager is difficult and it could be that he is feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps he is self-medicating with street drugs to cope with depression and anxiety. I recommend a visit to a psychiatrist who can address both the drug use and diagnose any underlying issues.

Good luck to you and your son!

 

[horseshowmom]

Questions and clarifacation

how long do the drugs stay in their system? how much would a drug test tell me?
How do you know if it is addiction or just using.. and is there a differance??

I am the one that went through chemo, not him.
We have talked, a lot!, about drugs and consequences of taking them and all that. I think drug education through school has kept him away from harder drugs but has made pot seem ok to use.
He is an uninvolved kid and we just can't seem to get him to 'do' anything. No clubs or school activities, tough to find a job here right now and all he really does is hang out. We try to get him to engage more and just dead brick walls. He isn't a bad kid, just a keep to himself kinda guy. He does his chores and helps when asked around the house, answers when talked to.

There is a difference between using and addiction, but that line can get crossed very easily. Also, some individuals are more prone to addiction than others (can be genetic).

The fact that he was caught once and continued would cause me to make sure he saw a professional. Too many kids get too far down the road before they realize that this isn't fun and games after all.

I don't know how accurate this is, but I found it online - http://www.ohsinc.com/how_long_do_drugs_stay_in_your_system.htm

 

[4forMe]

Based on your original post, it sounds as if he has been using pot for about one year and now codeine as well. I agree with previous posters that he may be self-medicating to cope with feelings of depression, anxiety, etc. However, before addressing those issues, the substance abuse needs to be addressed first. Therapy/counseling will not be of benefit to him if he is still using drugs.

I would contact a licensed addictions agency, explain your concerns and schedule an appointment for him. They will do as assessment to determine the depth of his addiction as well as appropriate treatment. Once he is in treatment and not using drugs, then it would make sense to add a psychiatrist to the treatment protocol.

Here is a link to help you find a licensed addiction treatment program in your area - just click on what city you need to seek services:

http://69.67.96.57/ohr/adad/treatment/Directory.asp

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

 

[MizTink]

Questions and clarifacation

how long do the drugs stay in their system? how much would a drug test tell me?
How do you know if it is addiction or just using.. and is there a differance??

I am the one that went through chemo, not him.
We have talked, a lot!, about drugs and consequences of taking them and all that. I think drug education through school has kept him away from harder drugs but has made pot seem ok to use.
He is an uninvolved kid and we just can't seem to get him to 'do' anything. No clubs or school activities, tough to find a job here right now and all he really does is hang out. We try to get him to engage more and just dead brick walls. He isn't a bad kid, just a keep to himself kinda guy. He does his chores and helps when asked around the house, answers when talked to.

i think kids think pot is perfectly fine. you're right though that all the education against the harder drugs just makes them laugh if you think pot's bad!! my son and nephew smoke pot. ds can't have it in the house and if i find it (or the nice expensive bong he just had), i will get rid of it....but i know i can't stop him. he's his own person. i've told him how i feel about it, don't want it in my house, etc. but the decision is ultimately his own. and between me and you, i agree with ds and dn that weed isn't so dangerous anyways!
what would worry me though, is the cough syrup. don't know what i'd do about that one.......
and it's kinda hard once they are an older teen. it might be pretty hard to force much of anything on a 17yr old.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Questions and clarifacation

how long do the drugs stay in their system? how much would a drug test tell me?
How do you know if it is addiction or just using.. and is there a differance??

I am the one that went through chemo, not him.
We have talked, a lot!, about drugs and consequences of taking them and all that. I think drug education through school has kept him away from harder drugs but has made pot seem ok to use.
He is an uninvolved kid and we just can't seem to get him to 'do' anything. No clubs or school activities, tough to find a job here right now and all he really does is hang out. We try to get him to engage more and just dead brick walls. He isn't a bad kid, just a keep to himself kinda guy. He does his chores and helps when asked around the house, answers when talked to.

As for your question--when someone knows something is not allowed, but then does it anyway and in a deceptive manner, it is okay to treat it like an addiction. They don't want to quit--so you need someone trained who can find out why they do it and encourage them to head in a positive direction.

He needs counseling and you need someone who is trained in addiction counseling so that he gets handled the right way.

IF it isn't an addiction, the counselor will figure that out. You don't want a counselor that creates mountains out of molehills though. I have visions of tv and the AA meetings where a character who isn't an alcoholic shows up at one and of course denies being an alcoholic which of course is one of the problems with alcoholics--you don't want a counselor who insists there is an issue as that will just drive your son away.

But he is on a road that noone knows where it will lead, we only know where it CAN lead.

Based on what you post, he is very withdrawn. That could be normal--that could be bad. But since he has an illegal substance (illegal for now anyway) that he is using and a legal substance that he is using illegally (the codeine cough syrup)--SOMETHING is going on.


I would NOT be able to tolerate illegal activity in my home of ANY kind. That includes an underage person trying a glass of wine (that isn't a "sip" of a sacrament) to using an illegal substance to someone who steals and I find the goods hiding in my house.

I just can't do it--I don't want that burden, I don't want that anxiety, I don't want police knocking down my door with me worrying how I might be culpable. (I have a HUGE anxiety problem with authority and while I would be worried for my child, I would have an overwhelming fear of the consequences I would face for that problem.)


I would cut off his funding (no allowances, no nothing)--I would perhaps remove the door off of his room (no right to privacy for illegal acts, he'd have to earn it back) and mandatory counseling.

In your case, if I was in your shoes--failure to comply would mean moving with his father and a tough love approach on my part.


IF it were me, I'm not sure what I would do as dad and I are still together--so it isn't like I could kick the kid to the other parent. I'd probably do something like call the cops on my child if my child couldn't deal with the consequences of his/her actions in my home. I'd let them suffer the legal consequences.


As for someone who says addiction is genetic...it's true.

I believe this. I think I am prone to addiction. Very prone. I very much ENJOY pain killers--so much that I avoid using them as much as humanly possible except for extreme pain. I will have doctors limit the number of pills prescribed even and sometimes I just refuse a prescription. Sad, but true. They've been helpful when truly needed, but I don't want to become addicted so have to avoid them.

I saw a psychiatrist in the past year and had to disclose this b/c I wasn't aware of what meds were addictive or not for what we were trying to medicate. She purposefully avoided meds that were addictive so that I didn't have to be worried about it.

I have relatives who have battled with substance abuse and meds that no longer work. (My mother is on several controlled substances and she has built up such a tolerance, they aren't as effective as they should be. But she can't get any more--she suffers in pain, but nothing they can do.)

 

[NotUrsula]

Medical help. He got caught, and it's time to discover the ugly side of controlled substances; get him help now before he does something stupid in public and learns it from the cops the hard way.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

The cough syrup is what would bother me too.

I don't know where you are in Colorado and if you remember this, but it was just a few years ago where several of the districts had a major problem with escalated robotripping, mixing cough syrup with AMT. Several kids ended up in a coma. There is still a problem with cough syrup overdosing in several Colorado High schools. The peer pressure can be super intense in these schools.

I will reiterate to not feel bad that your son might have a drug problem, it is nothing you did as a parent! If he is self-medicating due to depression (and it sounds like it from your description) this is as much a legitimate disease as anything medical.

He needs the expertise of a doctor to help him get better.