Field Trip or Family Vacation???

[ccgirl]

I am in the camp you should pay for half of him. If you and your fiancee were going, I would say former DH should pay for half of the son as well. Let's put the son first. Don't make him choose between a family vacation and field trip. Since you don't need to go on the field trip since dad and step mom are; you should still be able to do the family vacation since you are only paying $150 as opposed to $400 - correct? In that case, it sounds like your son gets the best of both worlds. I wouldn't worry about sticking it to your Ex-DH/his wife. Focus on what is best for your son. Under no circumstances should you have to pay for your ex-DH/his wife but you should always pay half of DS activities as the dad should as well. I would go to court and rectify the order to add that activities should be split in half.

Good luck.

 

[scrapquitler]

I guess I'm naive but I don't understand why $308 makes or breaks a summer 2012 family vacation. I get the stuff with your ex and his wife and either they go and pay all or you go and have a family vacation now. You were going to go and so was your fiance, right? So-they go, they pay and visa versa. Is this not a solution that will satisfy everyone?

The thing that maybe you missed was this: Step Mom and Dad are now going to take the son on the trip (and they will be paying $320 each for themselves to go), but they want the Mom (OP) and her Fiancee to pay for the son's trip ($308).

And yes, I can see $300 breaking my family vacation. Because the Mom & Fiancee were planning to take the child on this trip (total cost $950) and have that BE the family vacation. So if they pay for the $308 for the field trip, that only leaves them $600 to pay for the vacation. Depending on the trip, a 30% decrease in the budget could be a deal breaker. We normally take inexpensive family trips, and 30% would be a huge problem for us the way we travel.

 

[EMom]

I guess I'm naive but I don't understand why $308 makes or breaks a summer 2012 family vacation. I get the stuff with your ex and his wife and either they go and pay all or you go and have a family vacation now. You were going to go and so was your fiance, right? So-they go, they pay and visa versa. Is this not a solution that will satisfy everyone?

I am going to say this as politely as I can. Yes, you must be naive. For us, $308 would not make or break a family vacation. But I have a lot of family members who cannot say the same. That sum would indeed be a large enough percentage of their vacation budget to either make the vacation not worth going on, or make them have to postpone the trip until the next year so they could save up more money. If you vacation budget is tight, $308 is not expendable. In fact, HALF of $308 may not be expendable.

The percentage of Americans who find themselves in this category has increased greatly. I say hats off to someone who actually BUDGETS for a vacation instead of just charging it and assuming they can pay it off over the next year, two years, three years......

 

[DisneyNutMic]

Ok first of all thank you ALL so much for your advice on this. Even the ones who say I should be paying 100% of this. I really do appreciate your take on this situation. Let me answer a few of the questions.


EX-DH and his wife knew about the trip because they have visitation hours on Monday and Wednesday evenings plus I don't hide his school activities (or any other activities) from them because I feel it is important that they are involved in his life as well. The permission slips came home on a Monday therefore they saw his backpack before I even got to see the papers. Plus they have requested duplicates of all picture/field trip forms for their own because "I don't share things with them" even though they know about every activity the child has but rarely show up for any.

What about all of us going on a field trip?? We did that once. It wasn't fun. This woman has ruined birthday parties, she had my fiance arrested right after we started dating (LONG story that the judge literally laughed about), she has lied that my parents tried to run her over with a car. This is NOT a person I want to spend 5 minutes with let alone a week.

As for the money stopping us from taking a family vacation. Last year we had the most amazing vacation (to this very same location) and have actually planned on doing it again this year. The reason the $308 dollars would stop that from happening..........last years vacation TOTAL was $1100. That's food, lodging, gas, souveniers EVERYTHING. Yeah $300 takes a big enough chunk out of that price to stop us from being able to go again. I am NOT made of money and we are looking to have a lot of extra expenses between now and then. My brother is battling leukemia and I am his bone marrow donor. That is a million times more important to me and to my son than this field trip. But the travel alone is going to be expensive. My costs are mostly covered by Be A Match but my fiance and my son need to be there when all of this happens.

As for paying half, I would be more than willing to pay half. I don't have a bit of problem with that. I tried to discuss that very option with my EX the other night but he hung up on me so I couldn't get an answer from him.

I think that was all of the questions. If anyone wants any more details I will be happy to disclose them. I just appreciate the other points of view here.

 

[ceecee]

Ask your ex to pay half for him to go on the school trip. Then take your family vacation. Maybe cut it back to lower the cost. If $300 would prevent me from taking a vacation, I would probably stay home and put the $ in the savings acct.
I would not even want my 4th grader going on a school trip that's overnite! I let my DD take her school's first and only overnight trip to DC in 8th grade. I'm thinking the Outer Banks is close to home for you? DD was nervous about going to DC from Ohio (12 hr bus trip)! She wanted to know how fast I could get there if she really needed me.
This may be a blessing for you if your ex and his step mom go. You wouldn't have to worry about him or pay for yourself to go. As a former Girl Scout leader who took many "outings" with the girls, my idea of a family vacation does not include a 4th grade class!!!

 

[ccgirl]

Ok first of all thank you ALL so much for your advice on this. Even the ones who say I should be paying 100% of this. I really do appreciate your take on this situation. Let me answer a few of the questions.


EX-DH and his wife knew about the trip because they have visitation hours on Monday and Wednesday evenings plus I don't hide his school activities (or any other activities) from them because I feel it is important that they are involved in his life as well. The permission slips came home on a Monday therefore they saw his backpack before I even got to see the papers. Plus they have requested duplicates of all picture/field trip forms for their own because "I don't share things with them" even though they know about every activity the child has but rarely show up for any.

What about all of us going on a field trip?? We did that once. It wasn't fun. This woman has ruined birthday parties, she had my fiance arrested right after we started dating (LONG story that the judge literally laughed about), she has lied that my parents tried to run her over with a car. This is NOT a person I want to spend 5 minutes with let alone a week.

As for the money stopping us from taking a family vacation. Last year we had the most amazing vacation (to this very same location) and have actually planned on doing it again this year. The reason the $308 dollars would stop that from happening..........last years vacation TOTAL was $1100. That's food, lodging, gas, souveniers EVERYTHING. Yeah $300 takes a big enough chunk out of that price to stop us from being able to go again. I am NOT made of money and we are looking to have a lot of extra expenses between now and then. My brother is battling leukemia and I am his bone marrow donor. That is a million times more important to me and to my son than this field trip. But the travel alone is going to be expensive. My costs are mostly covered by Be A Match but my fiance and my son need to be there when all of this happens.

As for paying half, I would be more than willing to pay half. I don't have a bit of problem with that. I tried to discuss that very option with my EX the other night but he hung up on me so I couldn't get an answer from him.

I think that was all of the questions. If anyone wants any more details I will be happy to disclose them. I just appreciate the other points of view here.

First of all, what a wonderful thing you are doing for your brother. I wish your family all the best.

It must be difficult that you can't even have a civil conversation, it seems, with your ex-DH about your son. Does he have email or text? I would probably email or text saying you would be glad to pay for 1/2 of your son's cost but will send the money to the school yourself. The rest is up to him. The rough part would be how to not put your DS in the middle. Tough situation. Good luck.

ETA: I think some people forget that vacations don't have to be thousands of dollars. Some people really do live paycheck to paycheck so $308 could be an entire vacaction. Thanks for reminding us that not everyone (me included) is able to take the all inclusive vacation to the Grand Floridian twice a year.

 

[jodifla]

Well, I'm sure my opinion won't be popular, but here it is:

I wouldn't want my son to miss the trip, so I'd pay all of his fare, and I'd sell things or pick up more shifts at work to make sure his fun time with me isn't compromised. It was COMPLETELY unfair of you to make him pick -- you created this situation (and your ex) by having a broken home. Now your child suffers.

And this will just be the beginning of things, I'm afraid, given the stepmother's disposition. Your child faces a lifetime of losing out on things because he's caught between these adults who didn't keep their promise of "till death to us part."

 

[DisneyNutMic]

Well, I'm sure my opinion won't be popular, but here it is:

I wouldn't want my son to miss the trip, so I'd pay all of his fare, and I'd sell things or pick up more shifts at work to make sure his fun time with me isn't compromised. It was COMPLETELY unfair of you to make him pick -- you created this situation (and your ex) by having a broken home. Now your child suffers.

And this will just be the beginning of things, I'm afraid, given the stepmother's disposition. Your child faces a lifetime of losing out on things because he's caught between these adults who didn't keep their promise of "till death to us part."

Yes I take offense to your post because you do NOT know my situation. You don't know what happened in my life. It was NOT MY CHOICE to end my 10 year marriage to my son's Father. I wasn't given that OPTION. I came home from getting my hair cut and was told "I don't love you and I never have." Truth be told, he was having an affair. He was addicted to pornography. And this wasn't his first affair. AND ALL of this I found out AFTER he walked out on us. So before you go judging anyone for being divorced, you should gather all of the facts.

 

[Mama Who]

Now let's get it out there that my son is in 4th grade. His class is going on an awesome field trip but it's not cheap. They are going to the Outer Banks for 4 days. It's a little BIG for a 4th grade trip if you ask me. The cost isn't bad. It's $308 for him to go. It was $320 for each parent to go. My fiance and I were going to go on this trip with him but his Father and StepMom signed up to go and signed our son up at the same time. Ok fiance and I won't go. Custody papers say nothing about who pays for field trips. If Dad is going and stepmom signed paperwork for son to go and they were paying (all included on permission slip) I assume they are paying. Boy was I wrong. I told my son that I can afford to send him on this trip OR we can go on a family vacation next year. Either way is fine but I just can't afford to do both. He didn't hesitate in saying FAMILY VACATION. Well stepmom pitched an immortal holy fit last night blessing me out for not paying (while she signed him up and said she was paying). Now I'm torn. I don't want him to miss the field trip because it will be a good one. But I simply can't afford a family vacation AND this field trip. What would you do???

In my world?

You intended to let your son go on the field trip. You pay half, ex pays half, his wife minds her own business. Your family vacation does not enter into it (except that you budget it with $154 less to spend) and you don't put your 4th grader in this sort of a position again.

Every family dynamic is different, but that's how ours would work. (Well, except that as CP I'd have signed myself up to go along in the first place because our NCP doesn't get signing rights on stuff.)

 

[jodifla]

Yes I take offense to your post because you do NOT know my situation. You don't know what happened in my life. It was NOT MY CHOICE to end my 10 year marriage to my son's Father. I wasn't given that OPTION. I came home from getting my hair cut and was told "I don't love you and I never have." Truth be told, he was having an affair. He was addicted to pornography. And this wasn't his first affair. AND ALL of this I found out AFTER he walked out on us. So before you go judging anyone for being divorced, you should gather all of the facts.

And I'm sorry you are going through this, and you were given no choice in the matter.

But all these issues come off the fact that there are now two households trying to raise one child. And it seems that there's not enough money, either. The child certainly didn't put himself in this situation. (Not that you did either.) But since you have to play this very bad hand you've been dealt, it seems to me you should do all you can to minimize this bad situation for your child. Having him pick between things is unfair.

From your description of the situation, one could hope that the stepmother won't be around long. I'm sorry your child has to spend anytime around her at all.

 

[EMom]

Well, I'm sure my opinion won't be popular, but here it is:

I wouldn't want my son to miss the trip, so I'd pay all of his fare, and I'd sell things or pick up more shifts at work to make sure his fun time with me isn't compromised. It was COMPLETELY unfair of you to make him pick -- you created this situation (and your ex) by having a broken home. Now your child suffers.

And this will just be the beginning of things, I'm afraid, given the stepmother's disposition. Your child faces a lifetime of losing out on things because he's caught between these adults who didn't keep their promise of "till death to us part."

Ummmmm......We're not talking about a $20 field trip to the zoo for the grade that if he misses it, he'll be the only kid in the entire grade to have to stay back at the school all day while his classmates have fun at the zoo. This is a $308 four day trip for 4th graders, which by no stretch of the imagination is a rite of passage. PLENTY of kids will miss out on this. Either because the family already has plans, can't/won't pay $308, doesn't want to send their child away for 4 days or any number of reasons.

I don't know when a $308 four field day trip for 4th graders became a "can't miss opportunity." Her son will not be scarred for life if he misses this. He will not be a deprived, slighted child of divorce. He will be just fine. He may even come out ahead since he won't have to vacation with his loose cannon of a stepmother in the company of his friends. Maybe the child will have dodged a bullet.

 

[mrsklamc]

I really do find this whole trip odd. My parents were married and there was just no way they could have come up with that money when I was that age...or now, for that matter.

 

[princessmom29]

Well, I'm sure my opinion won't be popular, but here it is:

I wouldn't want my son to miss the trip, so I'd pay all of his fare, and I'd sell things or pick up more shifts at work to make sure his fun time with me isn't compromised. It was COMPLETELY unfair of you to make him pick -- you created this situation (and your ex) by having a broken home. Now your child suffers.

And this will just be the beginning of things, I'm afraid, given the stepmother's disposition. Your child faces a lifetime of losing out on things because he's caught between these adults who didn't keep their promise of "till death to us part."

WOW! That is, IMO, totally out of line, and I don't think the OP is putting her child in the middle STEPMOM did that.
If anyone can be blamed in this situation, it is the stepmom. The OP did not create this situation, stepmom did by signing them up and expecting mom to foot the bill. I don't think mom should be a doormat to stepmom for the rest of her life and go along with every stunt she pulls simply becuase step mom chooses to use her DS to get to her. It is unfortunate that there is a child in the middle of this, but the blame for that goes soley on the shoulders of STEPMOM for not consulting mom first. I think it is well beyond the range of normal or even rational to expect mom to pay for a trip THEY are taking thier son on.

 

[princessmom29]

And I'm sorry you are going through this, and you were given no choice in the matter.

But all these issues come off the fact that there are now two households trying to raise one child. And it seems that there's not enough money, either. The child certainly didn't put himself in this situation. (Not that you did either.) But since you have to play this very bad hand you've been dealt, it seems to me you should do all you can to minimize this bad situation for your child. Having him pick between things is unfair.

From your description of the situation, one could hope that the stepmother won't be around long. I'm sorry your child has to spend anytime around her at all.

My DH and I are married, and my child has to make these kinds of decisions all the time. We simply cannot afford to do everything she wants. She picked up all star cheer this year, something she has been wanting ofr over a year, but had to drop some dance classes to do it. There was a dance clinic at school that was a bit pricey, and told her she could do that OR a weekend trip we had been planning. She chose the trip. Kids NEED to be making these kinds of choices, and they NEED to understand that money is not unlimited and we have to make smart decisions about what to do with the money we have. That is the OP's situation, and I really don't think the divorce changes that. Unless the OP chose to make it so, this is not really about picking between mom and dad, but about what to do with a limited buget. I don't think simply footing the bill for everything because there is a "broken home" here is the answer, in fact, I think it is probably the WORST thing the OP could do.

 

[need2cruise]

I think if your son is not wanting to go so he can do a family vacation later-then that is fine.

I think OP you are being MORE than fair by offering to pay half the trip. I'm sure if the tables were reversed and you and your fiancee were going, that the dad would NOT be offering to pay for all of it or even half.

His loss, sounds like him and his wife are wanting the trip for themselves more than the opportunity to enjoy the trip with your son. If it was about spending time with him, then they would be the ones paying it.

It's kinda like a vacation. You pay for your family vacation, he pays for his. Yes, this is a school function but it IS optional. And if you and your ex were still together, who knows, it may have not even been an option for him to go. So don't stress over it, keep yourself focused on your upcoming marrow donation. I hope everything goes well and your brother is able to beat the cancer!!

 

[MSSANDRA]

It certainly does not hurt children to learn to make choices. He CHOOSE a family vacation. We are a two parent/two income home and our boys have to make choices all the time. It would be poor parenting not to teach them to do so. I assure you there will be lots of children not attending this trip and while I did not mention it earlier because it really has nothing to do with this situation, I would not allow a 4th grader to go alone on an overnight trip so unless we were willing to foot the bill for at least one parent to go my child would not go anyway!

MANY children are being raised by two families and they can thrive and grow into healthy adults

 

[jodifla]

Ummmmm......We're not talking about a $20 field trip to the zoo for the grade that if he misses it, he'll be the only kid in the entire grade to have to stay back at the school all day while his classmates have fun at the zoo. This is a $308 four day trip for 4th graders, which by no stretch of the imagination is a rite of passage. PLENTY of kids will miss out on this. Either because the family already has plans, can't/won't pay $308, doesn't want to send their child away for 4 days or any number of reasons.

I don't know when a $308 four field day trip for 4th graders became a "can't miss opportunity." Her son will not be scarred for life if he misses this. He will not be a deprived, slighted child of divorce. He will be just fine. He may even come out ahead since he won't have to vacation with his loose cannon of a stepmother in the company of his friends. Maybe the child will have dodged a bullet.

Our 5th graders take a trip away for two nights and three days. I don't think anyone misses it. It's the highlight of the year. It's a lot for you to assume that it's no big deal to miss a field trip. A field trip this sounds like a very big deal, although it's possible you're right, and lots of people won't go. The overnight field trips I've been on I've remembered my whole life.

I would pay because I would think it's a great opportunity for my child, and I wouldn't want him to miss it because I was in a stupid fight with my ex. Is it fair...no. But is the child going to get the short end of the stick constantly because the mom is outmaneuvered by this couple?

This year it will be the field trip he can't go on...next year what will it be? Or next month, or next week?

 

[jodifla]

WOW! That is, IMO, totally out of line, and I don't think the OP is putting her child in the middle STEPMOM did that.
If anyone can be blamed in this situation, it is the stepmom. The OP did not create this situation, stepmom did by signing them up and expecting mom to foot the bill. I don't think mom should be a doormat to stepmom for the rest of her life and go along with every stunt she pulls simply becuase step mom chooses to use her DS to get to her. It is unfortunate that there is a child in the middle of this, but the blame for that goes soley on the shoulders of STEPMOM for not consulting mom first. I think it is well beyond the range of normal or even rational to expect mom to pay for a trip THEY are taking thier son on.

Again, the child becomes the pawn in this setting. That will be a fun life for him. Stepmom does the wrong thing, you are completely right. But then mom makes it worse by asking him which fun things he'd like to give up so he can go on this trip. Completely inappropriate....he didn't cause this scenario. It's not like a toy or even a trip he'd like to take. Of course we all have to pick and choose how to spend our resources, and educate our children about these choices.

In my book....it's a school field trip, a good opportunity for my child, so I'd bury my pride and pay (if I couldn't figure out a way for the ex and step to do the right thing.)

Because it's not about all the hurt feelings of the adults, it should be about the CHILD.

 

[EMom]

Our 5th graders take a trip away for two nights and three days. I don't think anyone misses it. It's the highlight of the year. It's a lot for you to assume that it's no big deal to miss a field trip. A field trip this sounds like a very big deal, although it's possible you're right, and lots of people won't go. The overnight field trips I've been on I've remembered my whole life.

I would pay because I would think it's a great opportunity for my child, and I wouldn't want him to miss it because I was in a stupid fight with my ex. Is it fair...no. But is the child going to get the short end of the stick constantly because the mom is outmaneuvered by this couple?

This year it will be the field trip he can't go on...next year what will it be? Or next month, or next week?

Not if his mom makes it clear to the stepmom and dad RIGHT NOW that she will not be played. Not if she makes it clear that attempts to manipulate her will backfire on them. Not if she puts her foot down and uses her toe to draw a line in the sand. I predict that if the OP does not stand firm on this, they (well, stepmom) will continue to pull this crap year after year. OP will repeatedly find herself backed into a corner, forking over money in order to "not make her son suffer," even though the stepmom created the situation.

No, better to nip it in the bud. Personally, I do not believe missing this trip will devastate the child, but even if he was terribly disappointed about missing it, I would still refuse to contribute any money. The stepmom and dad are taking him on the trip, they said they would pay and pay they should. It's THEIR family vacation. If the little boy is disappointed because the stepmom and dad cheap out and don't want to pay his way after promising to do so, (even though they can find money to pay the $640 so THEY can go on the trip) better to deal with this ONE TIME and get it over with rather than have to deal with being manipulated over and over and over. Kind of like ripping a bandaid off instead of pulling it off sloooooowly. Only in this case, slooooooowly could be years.

Who knows what the stepmom's next stunt will cost the OP? No, end it NOW. For your own sanity, OP.

If a school "field trip" lasts 4 days and costs $308, that must be one well off group of people. I live in a very affluent area and we don't even ask that kind of money for field trips. There are MANY American families who cannot easily lay their hands on a spare $308 without skipping the electricity bill, etc. And if they have multiple kids??? $600-$900? Sheesh! I can see offering such a trip, but I can also see many families having to take a pass in today's economy.

It may be a great opportunity, but kids today are offered opportunities constantly. Another will come along soon, I'm sure. No doubt about it. But THIS opportunity for the OP to stop the stepmom's antics from escalating year after year is too valuable to pass up, IMHO.

 

[pyrxtc]

I have 1 question......

You said the first payment was due last week, Did his dad and step-mom pay their portion of the first payment for themselves yet ?

If they have not, then pay in full for the three of you and secure your position to go with him. If they, dad and SM, still choose to go I'm sure they would be more uncomfortable than you will be since you will most likely be rooming with your son. Chances are they will not want to go if you are going. The school has spots open for your son and two parents.

My opinion overall is that you should pay for your son to go if you initially told him he could. The next step would be to head to court to have your order modified to account for extra expenses such as these if possible. A judge may not be able order anything because school trips are not a necessity but at least you asked.

I know that this will affect your family trip but sometimes you make sacrifices for your kids. he may not be the only one not going if you choose not to pay but it may be something he remembers forever. A trip with friends from school is totally different than a trip there with family.

I made the choice last year to let my DD go to DC for her school trip. I was lucky enough that her father paid half but I was completely ready to pay it in full if I had to. I would have liked to have gone, since I have never been, but I couldn't afford for both of us.

I think the worst thing you did was bring your son into this. he is way too young and I have actually used the courts to require my ex to not be allowed to bring my DD into any of this. This decision is a parental one and no matter how it affects you side of the family it should not be put on the son'd shoulders to decide. You two are the parents. he did not ask for you to split up. I understand you had no choice in the matter but neither did he. Be the adult and say, "I know that you really want to go on this trip." and then pony up the money and let him go. So, your family trip next year may not happen or maybe it will happen with not as many extra's or not as many days. you cannot "make" dad pay for him. The sign up is not a promissory note.

Good luck on this and the rest of your son's life because this is just the first of many things that will get you in this spot and you have to decide to be the parent you want to be or to whine about SM and dad and make your son choose. Pretend they don't exist and just follow through.