fell so guilty

[wildwood]

Had so bad news on thursday from my step fathers wife that he had been taken into hospital with lung cancer and they did not know how long he had a real shock as he had no symptoms . I live in plymouth and he is in reading so i was going to get stright in the car to see him but because he was having treatment he wanted no vistors , he wanted vistors when he had returned home so i did not go up then today i had a phone call to say that he had passed away and now i fell so guilty for not seeing him . I know he was sparing people from seeing him so ill but I wish i had just giving him one last hug . I wonder if anyone else has had the same fellings

 

[Clare D]

Hi Wildwood
I am so sorry to hear about your sad news. I am a believer though that our loved ones stay with us even when they are not here. My mum died when I was 14 and I felt guilty that I hadn't told her I loved her. As a parent now myself I realise how precoius our time is and I never hesitate to tell my family I love them.
No doubt your step father was trying to spare you as it is a horrible experience and one that you tend to remember them for for a long time rather than the person they were.
I'll be thinking of you and your family, take care Clare

 

[diberry]

I'm sure your stepfather would have preferred you to remember him as he was before he got ill. Also remember that you did what he asked so you did the right thing. You're still in shock - I'm sure you'll feel much better about it when you get a better perspective on it.

 

[mandymouse]

Hi wildwood

I am so sorry to hear your sad news, I'm sending you lots of hugs and I'm thinking of you at this difficult time

 

[sharon78]

Im so sorry to hear of your sad loss

 

[KayleeUK]

Sorry to hear this

 

[Beth__WDW23/6/02]

Oh I am sorry.
Sending a huge your way, xxxx

 

[gilld]

My thoughts are with you at this sad time.

 

[florida sun]

I am sending you lots of , I am so sorry to hear your sad news.

Sue

 

[snookhams]

Please don't feel guilty - he probably only wanted people to remember him as he was. My MIL is very seriously ill in hospital on life support and has been since the early hours of last wed. morning - she walked into the hospital on tues evening and they found either a hole or cancer on her bowel and operated in the early hours and removed most of her bowl, her spleen and part of her stomach, and she has been on life support since. DH brothers and sisters want me to take our children into see her and talk to her but I have upset them because I won't - I want them to remember her as they have always known her and not lying in a hospital bed with various tubes etc. - this is despite the fact that we have been told she will not survive, but the boys have no need to be there - as a compromise we have made a tape of them telling her what they have been doing, and that they love her etc. which DH played to her today! try not to feel guilty & sending you pixie dust sprinkles

 

[Miffy2003]

Sad news. to you and snookhams too.

 

[natalielongstaff]

i know you feel really bad but i also think its better to remember people as they were. my dad passed away from cancer and i stopped visiting him when he would no longer know i was there......to this day i don't regret that and when i think of him i can remember him as he was before he fell ill
lots of hugs to yours and snookhams families at this very hard time

 

[BCT]

Wildwoos and Snookhams
I don't really know what to add to the words expressed by our online friends, except that you all need to be there for each other and the little ones.
Lots of hugs from both Delyth and me our thoughts are with you

Berwyn

 

[Disneystar]

Sorry to hear your sad news. My thoughts are with you

 

[SammieG]

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. My mother died last year from breast cancer which had spread to her lungs.. and your post really reminded me of what it was like at that time.

Lung cancer is a silent killer. by the time you get any major symptoms its quite advanced.. I am not saying there is no treatment, but its a difficult cancer to overcome.

My mother allowed me to see her, but virtually no one else. Many of her friends wanted to see her, and she just couldnt face seeing them.. and said she would wait until she was feeling better. Just a few minutes with her would exhaust her.

I cannot erase from my memory those last few days of my mothers life.. gasping for breaths, and crying in her sleep.....
Your step father will know that you wanted to be there for him. You were not to know he would be taken so quickly.. please dont feel guilty.. but be pleased that he did not endure any further suffering.

Dealing with a bereavement is hard enough, without beating yourself up for something you didnt do..
its a natural reaction, and one we all go through when we lose a loved one..

you didnt know ..... just relax and know that your step dad would understand or even be grateful you didnt see him like that.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

and hugs to snookams family too.
By the way snookams.. you are doing the right thing imho..
kids dont need to see that.... my mother wouldnt allow my son to see her. Sadly he didnt see her for 6 weeks before she died.. but at least he remembers her the way she was.... hold tight.. xxxxxx

 

[BCT]

Those were really beautiful thoughts Sammie.
a lot of us will have been through this at some stage , with us it was DW,s mum in the spring of last year.
some of us might not be able to get the words out right but you are all in our thoughts and hearts.

 

[carolfoy]

I think anyone of us who has lost someone dear knows exactly how you feel wildwood, I can only echo others sentiments that your stepfather wanted to spare you pain and anguish at seeing him ill, please try not to feel guilty, I learnt through grief counselling that guilt is a wasted emotion, it turns in on itself and extinguishes the real grief you should be feeling at this time, it does not help you or those around you so let it go, put your emotion into helping the others around you get through this particularly painful time and learn to love your memories of your stepfather,
big hugs for you and your family