Feeling sad...

[SingingMUA]

Hi all,

I'm feeling a bit sad and overwhelmed, and thought I would come here for a little support. Here's some backstory (I'll try to keep it as brief as possible):

DP and I have been together for 3.5 years now. We have been friends for almost 7 years. We exchanged rings in a private ceremony almost 2 years ago, and now we would like to have a more "traditional" committment ceremony. We are planning it for Spring 2011.

Anywho, not all of DP's family know that we are more than best friends. Her siblings all know, and a couple of her cousins. But she has never actually come out and told her parents straight up that we are together. Since we started planning this wedding, I told DP that she should really have a talk with the people from her fam (and some of her friends who are questionable in their support), and make sure they understand that we are doing this, and that we only want to invite people who will be supportive of us. No one wants to deal with unnecessary judgemental drama on their wedding day.

So, she sent her mom an email (I know that may seem a bit impersonal, but trust me, email was the best way to do it for both parties involved) to tell her what we were planning, and to confirm her mom's suspicions (her mom and dad have made remarks in the past but have never come out and asked us). Well, her mom's response was basically... "you're going to **a very hot place**" and "I'm going to pray for you". Her mom is very prim and proper, so she would never say those words, but that's basically what she said, without actually saying it.

Some background about both me and DP, we come from "church-y" families, we actually met as we were/are a part of the same Christian organization. Her mom's reaction is not a TOTAL surprise, but at the same time, it still makes me sad.

I leave tomorrow morning to go visit my mom in New Orleans, and it'll be my first time there. I have never confirmed my relationship with DP to my mom either, but my mom knows (mother's intuition, I guess) the nature of our relationship (without me having told her) and she is accepting. I do plan to have "THE" talk about the wedding with her when I go down. I would be utterly shocked if she said anything negative at all, so I'm kinda looking forward to being able to have a heart to heart with her this weekend (if I don't lose my nerve), and be able to get everything completely out in the open.

Anyway, sorry for such a long, rambling post... and if you've made it this far, thanks for reading! Any words of encouragement would be most welcome...

 

[ConcKahuna]

One thing about parents, they normally come around eventually. Sometimes it just takes a while for them to come to terms (especially if they have religious views that have been skewed by misinformation).

Hang tight, eventually her mom will come around

 

[mikelan6]

You two are all that matter. It's their loss if they don't want you in their lives. Good luck to you in any case.

Are you having the honeymoon at WDW?

 

[jlewisinsyr]

Your partners decision to tell her family was the right thing to do, not specifically because of you two choosing to get married, but rather being open and honest.

It is not an easy thing to go through, being rejected, whether from family or friends, and the best thing you can do is be supportive and understanding, which you are. The reaction of your partner's family is not abnormal in the terms of a knee jerk reaction, but the strength of your relationship with her is what will determine the future relationship of you two.

I once was in a similar situation, but our relationship was not strong enough and we broke up. I couldn't understand being young and naive how someone's parents couldn't accept their son for loving someone, when mine have always been so understanding (note, I also have somewhat different childhood in terms of being gay - I never was picked on etc, and everyone knew, just no one really reacted differently). I tried to understand, and reason, but I couldn't relate and we found ourselves at a cross road and we decided to go seperate ways.

Take a deep breath and be supportive, that's the most anyone can ask.

 

[soulmates]

Tia, Sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. I am pming you w/ my email addy. DP & I have similar stories. She's from a very religous family as well. It's been a long process for her. Oddly, my mostly conservative family accepted my new found happiness with open arms! Who'd have thunk?!

Hang in there...your SO not alone. There is support and love on these boards. Keep us posted. Your in my thoughts!


Chris

 

[SingingMUA]

Thanks everyone for the support!! Like I said, her mom's reaction wasn't totally unexpected, but once I actually heard (read) her reaction, it affected ME more than I thought it would. I'm sure her mom will go home and talk to her husband (DP's dad) and her siblings (DP's aunts). Her Dad is a bit of a wild card... neither of us is really sure how he will react. I think he will be in denial about it and pretend that she never said anything. Her aunts will try to call her and preach to her and pray with her, I'm sure. DP and I are both still Christian and we go to a wonderfully welcoming and affirming baptist church. I don't want to get a warning for turning this into a religious discussion (which I'm NOT trying to do), so I will stop there with that...

My family is also another story... my dad and stepmom are also very religious, and I haven't told them, and probably won't for several years because I fear that they will try to keep my from seeing my little brother and sister (I have a 10 year old little sister and a 7 year old little brother) who I adore. I hate to say that, but I just don't want to take the chance of losing my little brother and sister because of my dad and stepmom's prejudices. At least if I wait until they are older, they will be old enough to try to form their own opinion and make their own decision.

Are you having the honeymoon at WDW?

Funny you should ask... we were just talking about that last night, I would love to honeymoon at WDW, but DP (as much as she loves WDW...) is interested in doing a non-disney honeymoon. We were discussing visiting Key West, FL... so we can have the tropical feel of the islands without all the... *ahem*... "difficulties" that can occur due to prejudice...


SOULMATES.... got your PM... I will be emailing you soon... If I don't do it over the weekend, then I will do it when I get back in town on Tues.

 

[zeitzeuge]

I come from an extremely religious background (pentecostal) myself, so I completely understand what you guys are going through. You're right. Her mothers response probably was kind of expected, but it can still be a shock to hear it. My mother and her sisters (all live in the same town still) had sort of the same reaction maybe not as harsh. They didn't say I was going to hell, but told me frequently that they were praying for me. I always responded, "Well everyone needs prayer. I'll pray for you too!"

After a couple years this talk subsided, they came around and now all of them are my biggest defenders. When my family saw my nieces/nephews and my brothers/sister be accepting, they felt like they should too. Have I had the "official talk"? No, didn't need to. Things kind of came out naturally. Mothers intuition, like you said.

Give it time. Hopefully her family will come around. I think that most do, but there are some exceptions. Good luck!

 

[kingLouiethe1]

I'm sorry to hear you both had to go through some hurtful things. Fortunately you're amongst people who know what that's like

Fortunately you also have each other to lean on, and that makes all the difference in times like these.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Nothing to add except HUGS for you. (((((goodvibes)))))) It's just wrong that you have to experience such heartache. If there is one thing I'm sure of, it is that God wants us all to love each other and be happy.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

More hugs for you and your partner.

 

[Timrobb]

Sending positive thoughts your way!

 

[unfreshdiva1]

I feel your pain. Me and DP have been together 2 years now and his mother just knows me as his "friend". It's very hard as my ex mother in law treated me as one of the family (my family is quite open and obviously knows we are together).

 

[rosiep]

I have been thinking about you all day. I read this post yesterday and wanted to formulate something wise and comforting to say....but really all I've found is that my heart is really heavy for you and your DP. I'm so grieved that there are parents who reject their children, am heartbroken that people use religion as an excuse for hate, I'm disappointed that you and your partner get to feel anything other than sheer joy planning your commitment ceremony.

Please come back and post more, please join this family that really cares how it's members are doing.

Rosie

 

[HoopyMan]

More positive thoughts coming your way.

 

[hematite153]

I think Rosie stole my words!

I wanted to say something along the lines of how sorry I was that you and your DP were experiencing such rejection stated in terms of a religion that I believe in. I'm glad to hear that you didn't lose your own religion because of prejudice and I hope that your families will realize that they are only causing pain.

I do want to congratulate you both on your loving partnership, your wedding plans and your individual courage to speak-out to your parents. I like zeitzeuge's approach and would be likely to respond along the lines of "I'll be praying for you, too."

Good luck!

 

[Etoile]

Just HUGS.

 

[Hydani]

I know that parental judgement can be harsh sometimes. My dad told my mom his suspicions about me and my mom started to cry uncontrollably. I know that they wouldn't accept me anymore if I told them straight out. Things like this happen, but it's unfortunate... Hopefully one day she will come around. I'm not trying to be a downer, but there's a very slight chance she won't. Hopefully she will and come to your commitment ceremony to support you. Best of luck to you two

 

[hematite153]

I know that parental judgement can be harsh sometimes.... I know that they wouldn't accept me anymore if I told them straight out.

I hope your parents come around too. Good luck!

 

[SingingMUA]

Hi All,

I just wanted to tell everyone THANKS for the support. This is a really tough place to be in, as many of you know. I even said to DP last night that maybe we should just scrap the wedding here, and have an Escape DFTCC at WDW.

Hey... maybe some of you guys could come down and help us celebrate!!! (no seriously... if we do it, we will invite all who are able to come help us celebrate... and if we do stay home (DC area) and do it, any who are local (or want to come to DC) and want to help us celebrate... you can PM me)


There is no real update yet. Her mom and older sister are still very much aghast and "outraged" . Though her older sister has known the true nature of me and DP's relationship for some time now. Her sister-in-law sent her a text message of support, but her twin brother (sister-in-law's hubby) has said nothing. But he's also the one who called me a name that rhymes with witch, due to his unresolved issues with DP's sexuality (long story)... DP's younger sister hasn't said anything yet, but she's also traveling for work, so is kinda busy at the moment, but she's been supportive so far, so I hope that doesn't change.


Anyway, that's it so far. Again, thanks so much for all the love and support... maybe one day I'll start a wedding planning thread (we're about 18 months out right now, so it's probably a little early for that).

 

[ChrizJen]

I understand your sadness. My mom's always been a little wavering in her support for my DP and me. I was fortunate enough, however, to have a dad who supported me to the highest degree that a parent can. He stood in the cold to protest Prop 8 with me. He donated to the ACLU. He was very active politically, and his activism was always geared towards candidates and issues he felt would make the world a better place for ALL of his family. And I found out recently that he even went so far as to denounce his Catholic faith because, in his words, "I cannot support a religion that doesn't accept my WHOLE family." Sadly, my dear dad passed away a few months ago. He was my support system, and now he's gone. Since his death, my mom has come to realize a little bit of what she's missed, and is coming around in her support of my DP and me. But it's not the same. With my dad, it was always unconditional. Never ever was there a question in my mind where his true heart was.

For you, OP: You and your DP have to do what you can to hold as many loved ones as close to you as they're willing to come. But aside from that, make it about you. About your love and commitment to one another. Hopefully the rest will fall into place once they see that you're just like they are. You have the same hopes for your family, you have the same day to day struggles, and most of all, you have love. It's all that matters, and for the ones who don't eventually come around, it's their loss. They're the ones who miss out.

Congratulations, and have fun planning the rest of your wedding!!