Feeling guilty- visiting family vs. going to WDW

[Dallas_Lady]

So my stepdad laid the guilt on pretty thick last week and it has totally put a damper on this trip for me

Here's my scenario: my parents are divorced, and both are remarried. I live in Texas, my father and his wife live in Atlanta while my mother and her husband live in California. Having two sets of parents living in complete opposite directions means that I have to use a lot of travel time and money to see everyone.

Now that we have kids, I constantly get the "We wish we could see the kids more, why don't you bring the kids to see us?" guilt trips. Neither of my parents have any extra money to spend on traveling, so the burden of visiting falls on my shoulders. This year we've already spent time and money to go see both sets of parents, and now I want to something fun.

But, of course, I get the "Oh, you're going to Disneyworld again? Why not come visit us for Thanksgiving instead? We only get to see the kids once a year."

Is it wrong that I don't want to spend all my vacation time and money visiting family? It is never any fun anyway, we just sit around watching TV and listening to them argue (this is the case for both sets of parents, it easy to see why their first marriages didn't work.) I want to take a vacation with my kids and do something fun and memorable, and not just spend thousands of dollars to fulfill an obligation.

Ugh. Does anyone else deal with this? How do you handle it?

(And, for the record, my parents moved away from me, I did not move away from them. So it bugs me when they make me feel guilty about living so far away.)

 

[puffkin]

Could you pay for them to fly in to see you? Would probably be cheaper than all of you going to see them. Plus then you wouldn't have to use up all your vacation time.

 

[PiperPizzaz]

Could you pay for them to fly in to see you? Would probably be cheaper than all of you going to see them. Plus then you wouldn't have to use up all your vacation time.

That's a good idea.

I am willing to bet the parents would have some excuse as to why they can't go.

I don't think taking a family vacation is horrible. I think once a year is plenty with them living so far away.

 

[Mathfailure]

I really cannot handle the whole, you need to see me HERE, I cannot come THERE.

Of course money is an issue, but you have already spent your money seeing them, the road goes both ways.

I find people have money for what they want. Seek out weird travel times, find unexpected airfare deals, and if there is a will there is a way.

Do not let them run you, you have done your part. They all need to step up to the plate and do theirs, or be quiet.

Can you tell I have to deal with this too? Sorry if my frustration leaked on you!!!

 

[pixiewings71]

I get this from time to time, but I did move away. Anyway, my Mom "gets" that my kids are at that great age for things like DLR and she doesn't begrudge or guilt trip me too much....but she does guilt trip me. Of course my oldest DD (and her new baby girl) moved 5 minutes from my Mom (10 hrs from me) so now Mom knows she will get more regular visits and she's calmed down some. But parents need to understand that it's not just our job to travel to them, they need to come to us too....In the 21 years I've been in CA Mom has come to visit me 3 or 4 times....Yup, that's it......

 

[mupt02]

We get this in a different way. My parents complain that they don't get to spend any time with their grandkids, but spend all their vacation time taking their own vacations. Then we are expected to have time off whenever they finally have time to come and see us.

This year, for the first time, we have decided to start putting our immediate family (meaning DH, me, and our kiddos) first. We took a long weekend trip this summer. We are planning our first big family vacation (WDW) for next summer. I am even going to miss my sister's wedding.

I think you just need to decide what is more important to you - making your immediate family happy or making your parents happy.

 

[turkeymama]

So my stepdad laid the guilt on pretty thick last week and it has totally put a damper on this trip for me

Here's my scenario: my parents are divorced, and both are remarried. I live in Texas, my father and his wife live in Atlanta while my mother and her husband live in California. Having two sets of parents living in complete opposite directions means that I have to use a lot of travel time and money to see everyone.

Now that we have kids, I constantly get the "We wish we could see the kids more, why don't you bring the kids to see us?" guilt trips. Neither of my parents have any extra money to spend on traveling, so the burden of visiting falls on my shoulders. This year we've already spent time and money to go see both sets of parents, and now I want to something fun.

But, of course, I get the "Oh, you're going to Disneyworld again? Why not come visit us for Thanksgiving instead? We only get to see the kids once a year."

Is it wrong that I don't want to spend all my vacation time and money visiting family? It is never any fun anyway, we just sit around watching TV and listening to them argue (this is the case for both sets of parents, it easy to see why their first marriages didn't work.) I want to take a vacation with my kids and do something fun and memorable, and not just spend thousands of dollars to fulfill an obligation.

Ugh. Does anyone else deal with this? How do you handle it?

(And, for the record, my parents moved away from me, I did not move away from them. So it bugs me when they make me feel guilty about living so far away.)

The constant guilt trips and comments would ensure that I took that trip to WDW instead of going to see them. Btw, I get the same type of comments from my in-laws and they only live 100 miles away. It seems a common trend (at least based on my experience as well as friends of mine) that the grandparents are never able to make that trip to see the grandkids. There is always a variety of reasons why of course.

 

[ohlas]

Dont feel bad your going on vacation again omg how dare you have fun tell them they are welcome to book a room at disney when your their but they wouldnt...

i would offer to pay for their gas money , bus fair, or airplane ride once in while if you can.....

but there are some family members that when i because an adult that i never talk to again because they are jerks and dont want to be nice etc etc ...

my mom isnt allowed to visit me without my dad because all she does is complain and ***** about silly stuff when he doesnt come too...

i refuse to feel bad for not dealing with the really grumpy idiots even when its my mom lol

 

[ohlas]

We get this in a different way. My parents complain that they don't get to spend any time with their grandkids, but spend all their vacation time taking their own vacations. Then we are expected to have time off whenever they finally have time to come and see us.

This year, for the first time, we have decided to start putting our immediate family (meaning DH, me, and our kiddos) first. We took a long weekend trip this summer. We are planning our first big family vacation (WDW) for next summer. I am even going to miss my sister's wedding.

I think you just need to decide what is more important to you - making your immediate family happy or making your parents happy.

wow me too this is the first time i told everyone that we are going to disney and no its not a family reuion that they cannt come with us yes i called all my family and told them they cannt come to disney on these days i know it sounds weird

my sister is kinda mad at me but not enought to not call me everyday and tell me other thing i should do at disney,

but hubby wants to have time with just his wife and kids on vacation and at disney without his mil fil sisterinlaw brother in laws times too plus 5 more kids and sometime his mother omg we have family reuions at disney before they did the grand gatherings

oh well its ok to be selfish, his mom is the most hurt she wants to go no mother out laws on vacation this year

 

[mjkacmom]

How about getting them travel gc's for airline tickets for holidays and birthdays? I never know what to get my parents or IL's anyway!

 

[fofinia]

We have this problem too. My dad lives in Florida and so does my brother. And we always get the how come you come to Disney so much but you don't come visit us. We always invite my Dad to come and see us at the World. And we did my brother once. But that was a nightmare. We all ready go in a big group. My family and my sister's family who lives 16 hours away from me. So that is the family I want to see. I can only handle my dad meeting us for one night. And I'm not going to visit him at his house. So boring, not kid friendly. I did it for the last time 5 years ago. Not again. And now my brother gets all offended when we dont' tell him we are coming. Sorry I choose to spend my vacation, my one and only vacation, the way I want. With the family I want to see. At a vacation destination I want to go to. And adding another family with 4 kids into touring around Disney really changes things. Nobody got to do what they wanted. Yuck!

DH's parents live in California. And we did that visit once. Too much. Way too much money. Not comfortable staying at their house. Now since we had our 2nd DD they are good about coming here once sometimes twice a year. So we are just happy to see them here and don't worry about going there. My DH says "It is cheaper for the 2 of them to fly here, than for all of us to go there. And they can afford it, by far". And that is his parents.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I don't let our families guilt us into giving up a WDW trip or beach trip to see them.

It's actually easier and cheaper for them to come see us than for the 4 of us to go see them.

We see them once every other year. If they want to see us more, they are welcome to come visit.

And that's what I tell them when they try the old guilt trip. I just say "I'm sure the kids would love to see you. When would you like to come visit?"

And sometimes they come and visit, sometimes not. It's their choice.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

So, you all don't care that your kids are getting so little time with their grandparents? i don't worry so much about how the grownups who can make other choices feel. But, I think kids deserve to know their grands.

 

[happymommy]

The way it sounds, your parents are both being quite selfish. It is far easier for two adults to travel than for a family with children (generally, at least). I agree with offering to assist with their airfare (and a nearby hotel, if you want to keep the peace!). If they really need to see their grandchildren, why can't they go visit them?

Your life is yours - you need to mainly focus on your family and children, not your parents. They can try to make you feel guilty, but you can choose not to feel that way. They sound unhappy in general.

I also moved away from my parents, and usually went once a year to visit them, even alone while my kids were babies and toddlers, but have cut back. I got sick of being the only one that did the travelling - taking two kids myself (frequently my husband is busy with his work). When I do, we stay in a hotel and do sightseeing as well, making it fun for my kids. Once a year is more than enough, though!

 

[Keri]

So, you all don't care that your kids are getting so little time with their grandparents? i don't worry so much about how the grownups who can make other choices feel. But, I think kids deserve to know their grands.

Sorry, but this goes both ways!! Sure, it sucks when you live far away from the kids' grandparents, but if they aren't making the effort either, NO, I do not think it's my responsibility as a parent to use all of our vacation time and money to go visit them.

Here's how I explain it -- it costs more to come see you, we have to bring 3 carseats, rent a van (unless we drive, and 10 hours in the car is not fun), bring a pack n play, rent a hotel (most of our parents -- 4 sets -- have pets & my DH is allergic) etc etc. To go to Disney for a week costs about the same as going to see them for a few days and it's a whole lot easier. I don't have to take carseats (THREE of them) or rent a car, etc.

We don't get to see all of our parents even once a year, but they do come to see us when they can. I figure as they get older & the kids get older, the responsibility to visit them will increase and it will be easier. But for now, this is what works. Yes, I want them to get to know their grandparents, but it's SO much easier and cheaper for them to come visit us.

And no, I don't let them guilt us. We take one or two "fun" vacations every year, and the beach one is usually with g'parents. Everyone is welcome to join us if they want & can afford it. But I'm not depriving the kids of a chance to have fun at Disney when we can afford it & they are at the ideal age to enjoy it so I can take a not-so-fun trip to see parents who think it's ok to guilt trip me out of my money and vacation time. Sorry. It's a 2 way street, and you've made the effort to see them. You can't put the rest of your life on hold for them if they aren't making their own effort.

 

[micheleq]

Don't feel guilty at all. Your family (husband and kids) come first. Enjoy your trip!

PS - I am going thru a little guilt too -- a potential move for DH's work to the Dallas area (maybe I'll PM you if he gets the offer!). My mom was crushed when I told her my DH was a finalist for the job, but I simply told her that while we don't want to be so far from them, we have to think of our kids and their future. My parents aren't offernig to pay for DDs college funds!

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

It sucks for them to put you in that situation. The burden shouldn't just fall on you to see them. They should try to find a way to see you if it's that important.

If you've aleady been once this year, a family trip shouldn't be an issue. You need time with your kids too.

 

[JAL2525]

My DW and I spent a few years when we were initially married and when the kids were very young trying to keep up with family obligations and trying to make eveyone happy with holidays etc... And then decided that it's about the kids and have always put the kids in the forefront of our plans for vacations, holidays and such.

If you notice in my signature my kids are older and we don't regret the way we handled it with the kids. we've spent some great times with them and we and they have some wonderful memories both disney and others.

I had someone tell me when my first son was born to enjoy him before you know it, it goes by. I thought he was crazy at the time but he was right on.

Note: Trip planned this year to UO...for Christmas

 

[crysplefty]

I too don't feel as if it is fair for you to put in all the effort for family visits. Your parents need to start doing their share too. If they could afford to move that far away, they can afford to put money aside throughout the year to make a trip to visit you too. I deal with this with my in-laws and they only live 5 minutes away. My oldest just turned four and not counting birthday parties, they have only visited a handful of times while we used to make weekly trips to see them. In fact they never came to our home to visit my oldest child until he was 10 months old. Go on your Disney trip. It is not fair to your kids that they should be kept from going and having fun since your parents are being selfish.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Thankfully my one set of ILs live a half mile a way and the other set live an hour and a half away, so we don't have to deal with this. I can tell you, though, that I don't work so hard and save so much to spend all of my vacation time visiting relatives.

Its important that kids know thier grandparents, but its also important that you spend time together as an immediate family, happy and relaxed and having fun. Balance is the key here.