Feeling down about my DD...

[BuzzBoyMom]

Oh - I remember those days!! That's probably why God gave me boys and not girls. He knew I wouldn't be able to watch my little girl go thru the stuff that I did. ... and I'm not very good at standing back and letting kids work it out...I'll have to work on that.

But my oldest son came home the other day in tears b/c he said he had no friends at school. Oh!!! My heart broke. But I think boys bounce back quicker than girls.

Sending hugs to all those moms who are going thru this.

 

[Evil Queen]

This is hard. My youngest is 10 and already sees this, from his supposed friends.

He loves football, has a great QB arm and can block quite well. Due to his size and the Severe's he is not quick in the running dept. So in turn they pick out what he's NOT good at, instead of what he is good at. I tell him, they are probably just jealous, but I know this does little to help how he feels. They also say things about his good grades, and how he never gets in trouble.

I remember going through this myself. Mine is a bit different, then many posts I have read here. My best friend was with the in-cool crowd, we met up in P.E. class in 6th grade. She dumped her "cool" friends for me, because we just had so much in common and got along so well. But I still went through much verbal abuse and being shunned regardless.

Kids can be so mean.

 

[allie&mattsmom]

As a few others have stated, I could have written your "exact" post. My DD-11 has always been a very loyal friend but over the past few years she has experienced two of her best friends drop her like a hot potato because they made a new best friend. These girls went from being her very best friends to not even speaking to her and just being downright mean. Don't there mothers see this behavior or is it that they just don't care? Is it the attitude that "as long as my DD is happy & popluar, then I don't care what she does or how she treats others?" I tell my daughter if I ever catch her being mean or catty to anyone, no matter what, she will be in major trouble. I always tell her to be nice to everyone & to try to have as many friends as possible because then you'll more than likely always have someone to do something with. Girls can be sooooo catty! I just had a little meltdown last week to my DH about this. When your child hurts, it hurts you a hundred times more. It's so sad that so many of us have to go through this. Hang in there and just know you're not alone.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

My DS has some major social problems, and as he gets older, it get's worse for him in school. He is in 4th grade now. I am dreading middle school, but, honestly, I thank God every night he is a boy.

If this makes sense to you, then you know what I am talking about. Boys just are not into the whole "My life is over because so and so does not want to be my friend"

Boys seem to live and let live, unless they are a bully, where girls can be so mean, just for a giggle.

UGH, I hate this age.

 

[DVCLiz]

I was all ready to write a long post about how this had finished in DD12's class, but whoops!!!! home she came in tears yesterday, and it seems we have a new bully in the classroom. God, I hate this - she won't let me interfere, which I totally respect - but someone said something about throwing them back in the lion's den, and that's exactly how I feel today!!! I was up a lot last night, but this morning DD seems to be a little better, and plans to handle it herself.

It's so funny about girls - DD has never been popular at school, but a middle of the road kid who is well-liked. She's small, so she sometimes gets picked on by bigger, more developed girls.

But at summer camp, she bonded with her group immediately and was the most popular girl there!!! She was amazed when she came back home and was telling me about it. It was a great opportunity to remind her that different groups have dynamics that can change, and that she's a wonderful girl who makes friends easily.

Gosh, I wish middle school was over!!!!

 

[DznyFan]

A friend of mine with a 6th grader and I were having this very discussion.
When my now in HS daughter was in middle school it was as you said - the girls were downright vicious. My time in Jr High wasn't nearly that bad. Even her counselor told me once that they're worse (crueler) every year. High School doesn't seem nearly as bad - although some of the girls are still mean. Middle school was just awful.

 

[Sandy V.]

I feel for you, because it is SO tough to watch our kids go through this social nonsense.

And I'm one of those "mother lions". You can do anything to me, but if you hurt my kids or husband intentionally, you've made an enemy for life. I don't actually interfere (absent necessity), but I sure do think a lot of evil thoughts!!

Hang in there!

 

[Stitchfans]

DD will be going to middle school in the fall. No doubt I will be posting a similar post in the future. Oldest DD experienced it and no doubt it happens way too much.

I'm dreading it already

 

[CathrynRose]

I'm also glad my last two, an almost 12 year old and almost 9 year old are boys.
They are not so vindictive and nasty as girls can be.

2nd this - I have 2 boys - (almost) 15 & 11.... thankfully I havent had to deal with this, at all.

Guys are just -easier-. I witnessed their behavior when I bartended - 2 completly different types of men could sit at the bar - a bruley biker and a clean cut business man - and they'd talk. Girls on the other hand - even if they were the same "type" of girl - wouldnt talk at all.

Women are catty - and mean.

Your daughter will get through this. High School is a whole 'nother ball game. (youve seen that yourself)

 

[SC Minnie]

DD11 is kind of going through this too. She has been friends with this one girl since 1st grade. DH saw an email that DD had printed out that DD had written to this girl. Supposedly the girl was talking about DD behind her back and DD called her out on it but not in a very nice way. DD used language that I was shocked at. She claims she didnt' send the email and we didn't see it in the sent box. I had a talk with DD and we discussed what was going on and how to handle it. DD has also been upset when other firends starting hanging out with others girls and leaving her out or making fun of her. Its tough. We have all been there and know that there are other friends and this is only a life lesson but it does feel like the world is coming to an end when it is happening. I want to teach DD how to handle these situations without me getting involved because I won't always be there.

Girls are mean at this age. They fight emotionally instead of physically. I do not look forward to the next 2 years of middle school.

 

[agnes!]

I hated junior high...still think that it was one of the worst times of my life.

My DD(middle school) & I have lots of conversations about how vicious girls can be to one another. Recently, some older girls/upper classmates have been kind of snotty & condescending to her. I always say "Remember how this feels? When you get to be that age/grade, don't treat the younger girls the same way that you are sometimes treated." (And then I remember that these same girls will be low man on the totem pole next year - heheheheheh.)

She sometimes talks about the "popular" girls, but she usually refers to them as "the clique" because she knows how I feel about the term "popular". These girls are NOT popular, they are powerful. They have seized power by being vicious and attempting to censor their classmates' actions/clothes choices/friend choices. They are certainly NOT well-liked or admired. Gee, I wonder if any of "the clique" have grades that could even come close to my DD's ?

What I have found useful isometimes is to role-play, when a situation comes up - like a "bully". This way, the child can have some weaponry to defend themselves. And I mean this in a verbal sense[what they feel comfortable saying in defense] or action sense[tell an adult, walk away, stay with your friends on the playground].

Good luck, P&PD all around.
agnes!

 

[grlpwrd]

Well, I think females can be mean at any age. We even have it here at the DIS and offsite, too.

Yes, women can be very catty and mean, not just in junior high, unfortunately.

and to your dd, OP.

 

[CathrynRose]

I hated junior high...still think that it was one of the worst times of my life.

!

I agree - miserable, miserable years. "Friends" came & went... and looking back, I dont know if I ever even HAD -real- friends back then.

And as GrlPwd mentioned - once theyre catty - theyre always catty (i.e. some girls on these boards)

Teach your daughter to be a strong, good person.... she'll end up with the same sort of people around her.

 

[IwasatWDWforamonth]

I almost forgot in the 6th grade I had a girl follow me around and call me the b word and say that she was going to kill me everyday.


Oh how I miss school

 

[mickeymousemom]

I can't tell you all how grateful I am for your posts. Makes me feel so much better. I know DD would never want me to interfere(did that once with the older one and learned my lesson), but it hurts to see them go thru it...besides the fact that I want to ring their necks and their parents' necks too. And as a previous poster stated...these kids are always so nice to the adults...no one ever knows. I dread that she has two more years to go before high school. Well.. we got thru it before, we'll get thru it again...and then I get to look forward to my now toddler going thru it. YAY(she says with much enthusiasm)...

 

[ead79]

Your post breaks my heart—I remember being treated exactly the same way in middle school myself. Girls can be so hateful at that age! I’m sorry your DD is going through this, but not stooping to their level really will make her a better person. Encourage her to befriend someone else who isn’t popular—that girl might need a friend too. I was fortunate to find my lifelong best friend in 6th grade, and having her as a friend helped me through those difficult years tremendously. for both of you.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

Give your DD a big hug!

I hated middle school. I thought I had friends then but later realized they couldn't even come close to a real friend. Most of the girls were very clique-y and just plain rude. If you weren't exactly like them you weren't worthy of the time of day. Dumb stuff like that. Back then, it didn't seem so dumb, it really hurt. I did happen to make a few friends then. One is still my best friend today.

Girls are a lot more catty than boys. Boys can have friends, fight with those friends, and be friends again the next day with no harsh feelings. Girls hold grudges. Girls are also just plain mean!

Let your DD know that she is a better person than those mean girls. She may think its the end of the world now, but very soon she will realize that her life will go on. I hated middle school, disliked 9-11th grades and loved senior year of high school. That was because it was then that I realized that I didn't need those nasty girls approval. I was who I was, if they didn't like it, well tough cookies for them. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Here is a funny story though. There was a girl all throughout my school years that never liked me, and I never liked her. She was "popular" and catty, I was not. Well, my college dorm wasn't full enough and rented out rooms to other local colleges. She happened to attend one of those colleges. She was living across the hall from me!! Funny thing, she went around telling people that we were good friends. That made me laugh.

 

[kasar]

Oh boy, I think all us moms of teens and tweens know exactly what you're feeling! I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've had trying to make sense of it all which is really useless because it's senseless. A really good friend with older teens sums it up nicely: just put your head down and get through middle school. As much as I hate giving in to the whole scene, sometimes it's best to let them blend in as much as possible (yes, that means Hollister even though it goes against every fiber of my being! ).

Luckily oldest DD has self-esteem in spades and doesn't care about the "popular" kids (hate that term). I'm sure in some ways she covets the attention they get, but for the most part, she's pretty happy with her group. She's a glass-is-half-full kind of girl.

Youngest starts middle school next year and I hope she fares as well. She's got a nice group of friends but I can see them beginning to turn already. I'm just not going to breathe for the next 3 years, I guess.

My only advice is to step back and see this for what it is. Age-appropriate angst that everyone has to go through. It will pass and your daughter is learning how NOT to treat people and that's a great lesson. Keep her busy with activities and be a soft place to land at home.

A great resource is "Queen Bees and Wannabees". Won't make it all go away but gives a great perspective on everything. Hang in there, mom - we're all in this together.

 

[missypie]

Is your DD involved in any activities - swim team, gymnastics, dance, etc. If not, think about it...then she will always have buddies in those groups.

Why do some kids care about being a part of the "popular" crowd and some don't? My DD13 is very well liked but could care less about the popular crowd. She hangs with such a funny group of girls - she is short and blond; another girl is dark, Muslim and VERY large; another is of Thai origin and dresses sort of Goth; and the last one is a Mormon and is oh so wholesome. The thing they have in common: they're all VERY smart and don't care what anyone else thinks!

I, on the other hand, was tormented and friendless at her age. How did I manage to raise such a child?!

 

[ozarkmom]

Some parents don't realize how bad it can be. My dd actually was clinically depressed. She refused to leave her room. She went from being happy, well liked and socially active to a girl w/suicidal thoughts that never wanted to go back to school. In her case it was more than just being dropped by friends.
It sort of started in the 7th grade with if your friends with so and so then you can't be my friend. By the time she was in the 8th grade she was being called lesbian, *****, and everything else you can think of. All of this somehow amused the so called "popular girls" which I hate to use that term too. They're not popular because they're great girls. They're mean and apparently insecure and rule through their threats. She's in high school now and things are better. She has her circle of friends. Another mom came to me recently and said her daughter is going through this now and wanted to know how we got through it. The ironic part is that her daughter was one of them harrassing my dd. I don't gloat my dd and I feel for her but it is ironic.