Feeling down about my DD...

[mickeymousemom]

Anyone else ever go thru this? When my now 16yo DD was in middle school, the girls were vicious. I've always raised my girls to be respectful to other kids, no matter their attitude, background, etc...but it seems to bite them right back in the hiney. My 16 yo went thru periods where friends "dumped" her, left her for the "popular" crowd, treated her terrible, etc. There were nights i went to bed crying watching her go thru this. Everything's fine now and high school seems to be tamer. Now, my 12 yo old is going thru the same thing. She was supposed to go to a track meet tomorrow with a girl she's been hanging out with for weeks. All of a sudden, she gets a phone call that the girl has uninvited her and now she's hanging out with the popular girls(most of them are just plain wicked) and they're going with her(these were almost her exact) now. This girl was new this year and these other girls have been trying to get her into their clique all year long. I guess it worked and now my DD isn't good enough. Yes...this all sounds SOOOO petty, but when you're 12 it isn't....it's your life. I already feel like going in a corner and crying for her. Do parents acually let their kids treat others this way?? It also seems parents just refuse to pay any attention to what their kids are doing anymore. I would jump my DD's hineys if they ever treated anyone this way. Tell me I'm not the only one who's had to see their DD(or even DS, though boys aren't dramatic and hateful) go thru this...

 

[rhanditresmom]

I haven't gone thru this...yet. My DD is only 10 and still has a year to go before middle school, but my DS had a similar problem in 5th grade. It is so hard to watch your child get hurt like that. Just be there for her and let her know how wonderful you think she is. That doesn't take the place of the popular kids liking her, but it will be more important in the long run. I'm so sorry she' is being hurt. Kids can be so unbelievably cruel.

 

[kimmikayb]

I could have wrote this exact post and it makes me so sad My DD12 is going through the same thing. Her "best friend" for years just dumped her for the *popular* group and my DD is devastated. I have raised her to treat every equally and she has a hard time understanding this behavior. These girls are vicious. Spreading rumors, hurtful and arrogant. My DD is not razor thin and the girls use that agaisnt her. And society is wondering why our kids are getting eating disorders? I don't fight her battles but I sure wish I could.

 

[KelNottAt]

You're not the only one. Hugs to both of you. I've got 2 middlers myself and, I know, it's rough.

It's not much consolation, but there are other girls at your DD12's school going through the same thing. Eventually they'll all find each other and probably make true friendships.

In the meantime, hang in there. Hugs and love will help her maintain self esteem...and help you both through bad days. Or, maybe your DD16 can comfort little sis with some "been there, done that" comiserating.

Good luck!

 

[pyrxtc]

what the kids do at school is unknown to most aprents unless someone tells them about it. My Dh and I don't teach our kids to be like that but I was helping with a party in the class when I heard a lot of really not nice things come out of kids mouths, including my own daughters. I said something to each of them and befoer i get any flack for stepping in, I know these parents would have flipped out if they had been there to hear this stuff. They were so rude and mean to each other. This is only in 3d grade.

My Dh's DD is in 6th grade will be 12 this summer and I ahve caught her saying some nasty things to my DD. All Heck broke loose. I'm sure she is worse to the "uncool" girls at school bt we will never know unles a parent calls us someday. When they are 12, everything is a drama! best friends change in a heartbeat and cliqus move from person to person to pick on. Just try to teach your DD that sometimes you can't always count on people and to think about other friends she has. There are nice people and there are not so nice people. Which one do you want your DD to be? You don't want her to join this group do you? She should go to the meet with another friend and show this girl that just cuz she changed her plans, your DD did not change hers.

 

[beckmrk04]

Oy, the joys of middle school and junior high.

I don't have kids, but I went through this crap at that age- and girls can be absolutely viscious.

Luckily, it DOES get better!!! But oh, I remember how hard it was at the time.

 

[Jennasmomma]

I went through this as a child. My dd is 10. She really doesnt have any friends in school. She's a bit of a loner in that aspect. Oh they hang out and talk together in school. Out of school she plays with just one lil girl.

In the summer at our camp she has this problem every not and then.
I dont think its really "kids being kids". I think the problem lies in a lot of parents dont teach their children how to treat others. When those parents are told about it ...its the "oh not my kid".

Im sorry your DD is going thru this. Lets hope this "Stage" in life changes for her soon.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Yep, been there with ours at times also, and so very tough at the time. I hear ya.

 

[lisajl]

Yep, it happens! I'm glad my DD is now 20. It was pretty tough. Plus, we moved when she was in third grade. We did not want to, had to, due to a job.
She is still working through things and on anti-depressants. I'm just glad she is here and healthy.
I'm also glad my last two, an almost 12 year old and almost 9 year old are boys.
They are not so vindictive and nasty as girls can be.

Good luck to you and your DD.

Lisa

 

[FigmentKid]

I know exactly what you DD is going through! I had a really bad middle school experience... Although it is very difficult to go through at the time, in the end I promise you it made me a better person. You become much more mature because you learn how to read people and who you can trust and can't trust. Your DD will likely realize in time that these people who claimed to be her friend and then "dumped" her are not the kind of people she should trust and be friends with so she'll know how to make better friendships in the future. Unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do as a mother except be supportive and let her know there isn't anything wrong with her, it's the other girls who have some growing up to do!

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

Just remember that you are doing a good job parenting your children by teaching them right, wrong, and how to treat everyone they encounter. In the end, your DDs will come out on top. Once they're out out of high school and into college, most of this ends.

I wise woman (my mother) once told me when I was going through the midst of all this- except it was my best friend from the time I was 3 and she hated me because I joined swim team and was a threat - "If it takes you only one finger to count the number of your best friends, you lead a blessed life. If you need to use two or more fingers, you need to stop and reflect on just how fortunate you truly are."

I hope she finds that one girl (or group of girls) that she can always count on and be herself around.

 

[Mercy]

I am so sorry for your DD. I don't understand how kids can be so cruel to one another. I have 2 DS's and really didn't have any problems in that area. But I have always stressed how important it is not to leave anyone out, or make fun of them, etc. It breaks my heart to see this even when it's someone else's child.

My youngest DS16 seems to be sensitive to this also. He is one of the older boys at his youth group and he always makes a point to make sure everyone is included in the activties and feel like they are important. I am very proud of him for this character quality.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

This started with us in 4th grade. I tell my daughter to "be the bigger person" but it is so hard to see her crying b/c the kids at school or on the bus were SO mean to her. When it started I called the mother of the main mean girl (the Mom and I were good friends at that point!) and all she did was yell at ME and refused to believe the horrible things her DD did and said to my DD. Of course our friendship went South pretty quickly and this child continues to torture DD.

The schools and teachers are NO help - they chalk it up to "kids being kids" and won't get involved unless their is some sort of physical confrontation.

Middle school is SO hard for girls.

 

[mickeymousemom]

Thanks to you all for your support! I know she'll get thru this and I sometimes think it hurts me more than her..but you can never tell because she's really good at hiding her pain. It's not the popular thing that bothers either one of us. She's a good kid, doesn't have alot of problems with other kids at school, and doesn't care about being "popular". I think it's just the whole idea of what happened. It's just plain hurtful. I just CANNOT understand how girls, or any kids for that matter, can be so mean and not care about others...it will puzzle me forever, I guess . She even has quite a few boy "friends" that she gets along with better than the girls because she doesn't like the drama that goes on. I know we'll get thru it, and she did call another girl(very nice, very normal and down to earth) who's coming over tonight to work on homework with DD. I hope this helps. Thanks guys for all the hugs and stories...it surely does help when you know you're not the only one going thru it.

 

[IwasatWDWforamonth]

Its good that she lets you know this stuff,
I was so miserable in high school, not only was I teased all the time, my best friend who was even my cousin told me I was to skinny and that her new friends would tease me therefore I couldnt be friends with her anymore.
It broke my heart, and to this day I still miss her,
I never told my mom how miserable I was until the day my dog was dying,
I sound like some country song
high school can either be the best time of your life or the worst.
I would have been able to deal better had I had someone to talk to.

 

[luvdzne]

I too could have written your post . DD is currently in 6th grade and is having a tough time. It good to know I'm not alone in trying to get my dd through such trying times. I went through this as a kid too, but I don't think it was until high school.

To you and your dd

 

[Lil' Grumpy]

..your experiece is why i miss the dick & jane readers. good manners, social
skills and self realization are important building blocks to the family unit.
they will always be needed if one is to reach their individual potential.
does it matters what you do as long you 're happy?
technical knowledge is limited by the feelings of well being...unfortunately
some parents neglect the things you mentioned. however, she has a
stronger allied..a mother that cares for her well being! i believe that will
make up all the disappointments from peers. after all no one loves you
like your mother! sorry that they hurt your daughter's feelings but i'm
sure you have her smiling in no time! [ something she will always
remmeber]. what a lucky girl, having a mother who out to protect
her!

 

[NJOYURLIFE]

My daughter is going through this a bit also. It is frustrating to not be able to step in. I was talking to one of her teacher's at a fundraising event and she was telling me what a tough class the 6th graders are. I didn't get what tough meant at first until she said that they were very catty and clicky and apparently this past week nasty notes were being passed around and some of the girls were called into the principles office. One thing that ticks me off is that the worst girls act so sweet to the adults.

My son, who is one year younger, has a very friendly class. I hope it stays that way.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

My daughters were both well-liked in elementary school and blatently offered the "golden opportunity" to join the popular group when they entered junior high. The price was that they were told that they had to dump this, that, and another uncool friend. To their eternal credit, both girls turned their big chance down flat. Thank God!

Did they suffer for awhile? Yeah, but in the end as all the kids all grew up a little, by late high school my daughters moved comfortably between all kinds of groups, and were glad they didn't sell out.

My personal opinion is that it's best to run, not walk, away from the shallow "popular" kids as fast as you can - that's where a lot of the drugs and alcohol are (although of course, not exclusively). "Well-liked" is a different goal from "popular" - that's where the respect (from self and others) is. "Well-liked" is earned. "Popularity" can be bought for the price of cool clothes and a bad attitude.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I feel your pain. My DSD went through this around the age of 12. She wanted to transfer to the Catholic school (until she realized she would have to take religion classes), be sent to boarding school or be home schooled. I can still remember having this conversation with her as if was yesterday. It was over 5 years ago. Its terrible having to watch them cry and realize there is very little you can do but send them back into the lion den the next morning. It always broke my heart.
Hugs to both you and your DD. Things will eventually get better.

Oh and one girl moved out of the district. Seemed she was bothering my DSD by IM and still visiting her mom that lived in town. I marched my butt over to mom's house, got the phone number to dad's and read him the riot act. His response - "well your dsd isn't a saint!" I told him I had IMs saved and would show the police if his DD kept threatening her (didn't but threat worked). That stopped it. So watch the computer if your DD has access. My DSD didn't tell me but I "happened" to be behind her one day straightening something.