Feel Like I've Failed at Feeding my Kids (Long)

[Luv Bunnies]

I'm feeling really badly about this today and need to vent and get some advice. I feel like I've totally failed at getting my kids to eat decent food.

My oldest son just turned 12 on Monday and he has Asperger's Syndrome. Feeding him has always been a problem. When he was 1 and we tried giving him solid food, he gagged and choked and spit it out. We didn't know yet that he would eventually have an ASD diagnosis. We continued pureeing his food until he finally tolerated chunky food and learned how to chew it. He was our first child and we just did what we thought was best.

As a baby and toddler, he ate a good variety of foods including fruits and vegetables. But, one by one, he started refusing to eat much of anything. By age 3, we were noticing a few problems and started the process of getting him diagnosed with ASD (the Asperger component showed up later when he was about 7). We were so freaked out by the whole thing and I guess the food thing just went by the wayside. We fed him what he would agree to eat and, apparently, started a bad pattern way back then.

Our 2nd son came along about this time when the oldest was 3. I was determined to get him eating on the right track and, for a while, I did. He has developed typically (no ASD or other issues) and I thought it would be easier to get him eating a variety of foods. I was wrong.

At first, the younger one was a great eater. He would eat whole apples right down to the core, entire baskets of strawberries for lunch and he loved melons. But, as he got older and more aware of what his brother was (or wasn't) eating, he followed suit. He started giving up most of his decent foods one by one.

I tried lots of things to correct the problem. I spoke to doctors and therapists and read books and tried the various techniques. I always ended up with 2 miserable boys and me in tears and the end of each food experiment.

I agree that my husband and I have been way too permissive in allowing them to eat their limited diets. Yes, we've indulged the behavior by taking special food places instead of making them eat what was available. I know it's not an excuse, but with the older one having Asperger's, I guess we've just felt like there were bigger fish to fry.

Fast forward to today, the boys are 12 and 8 (going on 9). They still have their limited diets. It's hard to go to restaurants because they won't eat anything on the menu. The younger one is fine with grilled cheese or cheese pizza but nothing else. The older one wants peanut butter (no jelly) or pancakes. They eat way too many carbs, very little protein and no produce to speak of (unless ketchup counts). I'm worried for their health and their social lives. It's hard being known as the kids who won't eat anything decent.

The older guy sees a psychologist and we discussed the food issue with him yesterday. He said it's time to get tough. Put something in front of them and tell them that's their dinner. If they won't eat it, tough! I told them this morning that we were going to have pasta with tomato sauce for dinner. We went to the store and they agreed that twisty pasta would be OK as long as the sauce didn't have chunks. I choose the least chunky sauce I could find. At dinnertime, they complained, whined, made faces and generally made me miserable (DH wasn't home from work yet so I did this alone). They would lick the food and then spit or wipe off their tongues.

I left the table because I was so upset that I couldn't watch them anymore. They said they each ate one piece. I told them I wasn't upset with the fact that they didn't like it, it was the way they acted about it. I said I wanted them to sit down with open minds and not psych themselves up about not liking it ahead of time.

The whole thing just has me totally upset. I don't know how to get these guys to expand their food repetoires. I know it's partially our fault since we let it go on for too long. But we're trying to fix it now and we really need help.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone tried getting extremely picky kids to try new food before? Any help would be most appreciated! Thanks!

 

[WildGrits]

I am 37 years old. I have siblings and good friends who will only eat as a veggie, corn. And you know what? They are just as productive as us veggie loving folks.

In my house we love veggies. But my oldest is a carb addict. And in my opinion does not eat enough proteins. Very pickey. I don't care if she doesn't eat what we are having for dinner. She is far from starving. But there is no snacks afterwards.

There is no snacks in the house except for Popcorn and occasionally Goldfish.

My advice is take them to the buffet. Tell them they can have anything they want to eat. But...............there is no "Zert" until you have had a serving of protein and veggie. Watch what they choose. My youngest use to pick the strips of ham and turkey near the salad and the diced eggs and carrots. I was surprised. It was never anything I would have had in the house. My oldest one picked pinto beans. They are a great source of protein and no animal fat. So I started sticking these in the house.

My youngest has high function Autism. I learned long ago which battles to pick. No one want tension at dinner. But I don't think it means you have to get tough. Only stock your house with what you would not feel guilty about feeding your kids. Let them have some say in what is for dinner. And when they don't like what you are eating then let them leave the table. Later when they come looking for something to eat, pull that plate out of the fridge that they didn't finish at dinner and offer to warm it for them. They say no, well thats ok. Breakfast is only 10 hours away.

No one is going to starve.

I would definately strongly suggest that poor manners not be allowed at the table. Licking your food is poor manners. So is spitting it out, unless into a napkin. And if they make you miserable at YOUR table, kindly ask them to leave the table so that you can eat in peace. After such a situation of fussing at the table just say, "Boys I want you to leave the table for 5 mintues. After that time if you can come back and try again."

Trust me, you can do it. You deserve peace. And it's up to you to expect nothing less.

And if you are having a hard time finding a reason why, remember, you are grooming someone elses future husband.

 

[BeckyScott]

I have no words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know we're in the same boat. I don't think it's unusual for kids on the spectrum to self-limit food, I've talked to other parents who have a similar problem.

When Justin was a baby, he didn't like to be spoon-fed baby food. I don't know if it was the spoon, or the texture of baby food, but he didn't appreciate it one bit! Once he got to the Cheerios-level, and could self-feed, he was fine.

When he was a toddler, it took bringing in a Professional to get him to use silverware. He'd eat Spaghettio's with his hands! Not good.

He's 7 now, and he's also a high-carb boy. Carbs and dairy, that's his main thing. (which makes me seriously wonder about the GFCF thing, but that's a whole 'nother thread!) He will eat all bread products, noodles (but not w/ tomato sauce), cheese in any shape, popcorn, most any potato chip type thing, cheese pizza, mashed potatos, corn dogs and hot dogs, along with chicken nuggets and fries. Um, I think that's about it. Nary a vegetable to be found, and the only fruit is he'll drink juice.

Now, I had a room-mate when I was in grad school- wierd story but hear me out. She loved to cook, so she was in charge of that and I did the dishes. She had me write down the things I like and what I didn't. Then I think she made it her mission for the year to get me to eat all the stuff I didn't like, you know, as entertainment for her. She was covert about it, almost pulled it off. She would puree stuff and sneak it into the food. I wouldn't have believed it except I caught her. If you cook and puree vegetables, you can sneak them into all sorts of stuff. This is not going to teach your kids a thing, but it might make you feel better to know they're getting the vitamins. For example- they'll eat pizza. Will they eat breadsticks with dipping sauce? (really that's the same thing as the spaghetti, but they might fall for breadsticks, especially if they're in a Pizza Hut box) You can puree cooked carrots and squash-type veggies and put them in the pizza sauce, they hide really well. Like I said though, they're not learning anything, it's to make you feel better, which for now is a start.

 

[JESW]

I have a ds12 who is an asperger's kid. He was an EXCELLENT eater until he was 3 or 4 - then he got real picky. Now he mainly eats white processed foods - bagels, pizza, cheeseburgers (without the meat - he picks it out, scrapes the cheese off and just eats the buns with the cheese), grilled cheese sandwiches (that is new in the last 6 months), clam chowder (since he heard a friend liked it), french fries, white rice, pasta (no sauce now at home but he'll have sauce when weare out), and probably a few more things. Dining out with him is a nightmare. No veggies. No fruit. No meat. Lots of milk and some orange soda - very little water. I do battle with him all the time over his eating habits.

Not sure what advice to give you but I hear the eating problems are very common with these kids. Of course the meds he is on doesn't help as they have him gain weight and his bad eating habits don't help either.

Jill

 

[BeckyScott]

cheeseburgers (without the meat - he picks it out, scrapes the cheese off and just eats the buns with the cheese)

Okay, that's funny. Neither one of my kids will eat beef. (okay, hot dogs but really that doesn't count) They will eat chicken, oldest will eat it in any form but Justin will only eat it if it's breaded. And they will only eat turkey bacon, because they don't like the "blobs of fat" on regular bacon. Can't say I blame them, honestly, that's why I started buying turkey bacon in the first place, but now they won't eat the regular kind.

You might want to check, too, apparantly Justin will eat some things at school that he won't eat at home. I wouldn't have known any better but the para ratted him out. I send lunch with him most of the time, because we have a menu for the month, but every now and then the menu gets changed and I don't know it, and they are serving something he won't eat at home, but he'll eat it there. Kids can be wierd that way.

 

[OKWMom]

I don't have any food/eating advice to offer you. I have a daughter on the LF end of the spectrum and she has lots of food issues too.

However, I wanted to tell you not to be so hard on yourself. A lot of behaviors our kids develop are because of actions and choices we as parents make, but not one of us is perfect. You were doing (and continue to do) what you believe is the right thing.

There is enough judgment of our parenting skills to be found in society - grocery stores, malls, doctors' offices, etc. Don't beat yourself up over this.

 

[KirstenB]

Our 9 yr old is extremely picky. Ironically, her 22 mth old sister, who's been diagnosed with autism is an incredibly good eater, go figure!!!

I've tried a variety of things with our older daughter....letting her pick out groceries, letting her help with cooking, etc, etc. None of that has worked. We were at an Olive Garden recently, and she tried the kids' fettucine alfredo and loved it. Same thing with Taco Bell. I make Mexican at home, she hates it. She goes to Taco Bell and likes it. So instead of fighting about it, I'm trying to look at this from a "small steps" point of view.

Meaning that, I'll meet her at whatever small step she's at, and stop ruining dinner for the rest of us, by obsessing over what our older dd is refusing to eat. I'm going to try to make fettucine alfredo at home again, and maybe she'll eat it this time.

OP, I'm sorry you feel so bad. I wish I could meet you in person and give you a hug! It's going to be okay! Finally, I do try to get a multivitamin in dd each day!

 

[Foohound]

My 6yr old DD is also on the high end of the spectrum. My DH and his family and I argue constantly about the fact she will not try any new foods, or eat more fruits and veggies. She loves her carbs more than anything. I have also begged, pleaded, and finally cried to get her to try new foods. She is now on medication, and has been gaining weight ever since. I am dreading taking her for her yearly checkup in August. Her Pediatrican has been "scolding me" for the last two years about her weight gain.

I have finally decided to quit beating myself up. I am a good parent who loves their child and wants the best for her, but I can only do so much!!!

Keep the faith::

 

[Forevryoung]

I would suggest making an appointment with a nutritionist if you are serious about changing your kids eating habits for good.

My mom is a nutritionist (Registered Dietician) and has a million methods and ideas regarding getting people to change their eating habits. Whether it is because they are just downright picky or because they have a medical condition.

You can't do it alone, especially if you are with your kids alone at meal time (without your husband for emotional support).

Just an idea!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Thanks for the advice and support, everyone! I have been thinking of consulting a nutritionist and I just may get on that one soon. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over this. Both kids are growing and happy so I guess I've done something right!

Thanks again!!!

 

[barkley]

Our 9 yr old is extremely picky. Ironically, her 22 mth old sister, who's been diagnosed with autism is an incredibly good eater, go figure!!!

I've tried a variety of things with our older daughter....letting her pick out groceries, letting her help with cooking, etc, etc. None of that has worked. We were at an Olive Garden recently, and she tried the kids' fettucine alfredo and loved it. Same thing with Taco Bell. I make Mexican at home, she hates it. She goes to Taco Bell and likes it. So instead of fighting about it, I'm trying to look at this from a "small steps" point of view.

Meaning that, I'll meet her at whatever small step she's at, and stop ruining dinner for the rest of us, by obsessing over what our older dd is refusing to eat. I'm going to try to make fettucine alfredo at home again, and maybe she'll eat it this time.

OP, I'm sorry you feel so bad. I wish I could meet you in person and give you a hug! It's going to be okay! Finally, I do try to get a multivitamin in dd each day!

you might want to hit the bookstore and grab a copy of 'top secret restaurant recipies' by todd wilbur-it has the olive garden alfredo sauce recipie in it and it tastes identical. if dd like's taco bell-they do sell the seasoning, salsa, refried beans and other products at the grocery store so you could still cook it at home but your dd would see that they were taco bell products and she might be more willing to try them.

i'll pass on a few suggestion on how to 'incorporate' some healthy foods into kid's diets (but be forewarned-i'm a sneaky mom). if they eat corn dogs-save the box and refill it with morning star farms vegetarian corn dogs. taste the same, but healthier ingredients (they also have chicken nuggets you can do the same thing with). if they are pasta eaters (and will not eat 'chunky' sauce)-puree veggies in-eggplant, squash, onions, bell pepper-it tastes the same as regular marinara but you got some veggies into them.

my ds was a huge cheese eater so i tried to build on that. got him to start eating quesidillas, then when he started to like refried beans i got him to transition into bean burritos. when he tried enchilada sauce and like it-we started having 'wet burritos'. now he loves black olives-so now he eats full blown cheese and bean enchilada with olives. i've also found that by letting him eat nachos he's moved from cheese only to cheese/bean/rice/olive.

if they will eat only certain things-try comboing them in unusual ways. if they will only eat breaded chicken, and they also eat pizza sauce. offer it as a dip, then you might try transitioning it to pizza sauce on top of the chicken-and then marinara in place of it so eventualy their diet may include chicken parmesan.

op-the kid's won't starve. if they are truly hungry they will eat whatever is made available to them. my son just plain does'nt like to eat-food just does'nt interest him. as a result he's 10 1/2, of above average height and just recently cracked the 50 pound mark. pediatrician sez he's otherwise healthy (except for his adhd and migranes), so i just make sure that what i offer him will meet his nutritional needs (and now that i've discovered benecal-i sneak some into the items i cook to jack up the calories).

 

[6mouskateers]

luv bunnies,

You've gotten some great advice here. I have used a lot of these tips for our DS. When he was on chemo he had taste disturbances and even when that was over he was afraid to eat anything other than to what he had become accustomed to being "safe tasting". He had to learn to eat all over again, not physically but "mentally".

The transitioning that Barkley talks about was very helpful for us, such as grilled cheese to quesadillas and gradually adding something new to something familiar. We were lucky in that DS LOVED eggs and when all else failed he would eat eggs and toast. I swear to you that he lived on string cheese, grilled cheese, the occasional pizza slice, MCDonald's chicken nuggets and yogurt for 2 years. No fruit, no veggies ever. Period. I won't even get into steroid weeks and the whole other set of issues that entailed. He is now 8, off chemo 2 years and still has some food issues, but is getting so much better.

As Wildgrits said, we never tolerated poor table manners--even when he was very ill. I think that the consistancy is very important. Our rule now is that he has to eat at least 2 bites of something before being declared inedible. I don't keep a lot of junk in the house and snacks are usually good for him (yogurt and string cheese). He'll now eat bananas and apples. The only veggies he will eat are sugar snap peas and sometimes corn. I just keep offering and sometimes win him over. My most recent victory--peanut butter!
Now he takes peanut butter sandwiches to school and daycare.

Oh- how did I survive the worry? Luckily my BGF has a son who is in perfect health who eats next to NOTHING! Seriously--this boy eats almost nothing, no veggies, no fruit, little meat, and everything is drenched in ketchup. Even baked chicken and Thanksgiving turkey. No lie! He is now 18, getting ready to go to college.

Hang in there and HTH!

 

[Disneylvr]

Thanks for the advice and support, everyone! I have been thinking of consulting a nutritionist and I just may get on that one soon. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over this. Both kids are growing and happy so I guess I've done something right!

Thanks again!!!

Exactly, choose your battles. DD, age 4 and has ASD, is a VERY picky eater. Her diet consists of dry cereal, pasta 4/ red sauce, grilled cheese sandwiches, pancakes, waffles, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, nutrigrain bars, dried apples and applesauce. She will also eat most dessert (cookies, cake etc) and bad snacks like chips so we restrict the use of them as reinforcers only to try new foods or to eat an undesired food. Our kids can be so defensive to the extreme about food and not only because they don't like the taste. The color may bother them, the temperature and texture. Thankfully, despite her poor diet, Madelyn is growing well and is not under or overweight.

 

[robin09]

I know the feling of failure as a parent when trying to get your child to eat. When DD8 was born a month early, they had to put feeding tubes through her nose to get her some nourishment, (she refused to breastfeed or take a bottle.) Wellm the tubes didn't work well for my little fighter either. she pulled them out. The Doctors then taped the tubes so they would stay in, again, DD pulled them out. I stayed round the clock with her, as the nurses couldn't deal with drinking only an ounce at a time. I fed her every 2 hours. We took her home at 4 and a half pounds. She has always hated to eat. Even the doctors who said, she will eat when hungry have admitted they are wrong.

DD never felt hunger, she has sensory problems along with her Aspergers, adhd, ocd. Foods cannot touch each other. SHe HATES meat. I have to remind her to eat and sometimes still feed her, just to get something in. She will eat LOX (smoked salmon) shrimp and clams on the BBQ. She will eat hot dogs in the bun, but will never eat the bun. She really doesn't like pasta, but will eat salad (without tomatoes of course!) She is a very quirky kid. She confuses thirst for hunger all the time, and that helps us here, as we do alot of smoothies and cream of broccoli soups.

She has an aide in school who sits with her during mealtime to keep nudging her to eat. The aide has never seen a child before who just doesn't care to eat at all.

I don't have anything to offer, just hang in there, and there are people who totally understand!

 

[riu girl]

This is our story: Due to major sensory issues, DD as a baby/toddler was classed as failure to thrive/bulimic/infantile aneroxia due to her inability to eat. We would put something in her mouth (even purreed foods) , her hands would start flapping wildly and she would end up vomiting a lot. It got to the point she was in the hospital a lot for being so dyhydrated. The dr. was at the point where she wanted to put her on a feeding tube since she was in such rough shape.

Finally her dr. reccommended some antihistamines since a side effect was increase in appetite. In less then a month DD (almost 3 at the time I think) had gained a few pounds and starting eating!!! It was like a different kid completely. The dr. wanted her to stay on the meds for 3 months to gain a bunch of weight but I could tell that she was on the road to eating so I took her off the meds. Btw, she is now 10 eats a huge variety of healthy foods, is 5 ft 3 inches and 108 pounds.

If I was in your position, I would ask your dr. about some antihistamines and then stock the fridge with only foods you want them to eat. If they are hungry enough from the medication, they will eat something.

 

[KirstenB]

Barkley, thanks for the good "transitioning" ideas. I hadn't thought of the chicken nuggets/marinara sauce, or the Morningstar Farms (which I do eat). I really appreciate it!

 

[Ali]

I am not a doctor, I am a Pre-k Execptional Education teacher who deals with many different ASD kids. Take it as you will.

Something you might want to think about is the concept of baby steps to eating. My DS6 has had poor eating since he was 11 months old - he has SEnsory defensive disorder and was labelled PDD-NOS at 18 months. He has been through 3 different feeding therapy trials that were done at home with limited support from therapists, and they didn't do anything except show me how horrible it is to see your child wasting away from refusing to eat a spoonful of food. My son also has figured out that food like hamburger and chicken comes from animals and he cries at the thought of eating it.

Many of the posters have detailed their children's diets. What I have read has been fine, they are eating foods, not the healthiest, but eating foods most people eat. My son eats Trix rasberry rainbow yogurt, purple juicy juice in a box, Honey Maid graham sticks, and pringles regular potato chips (as long as they are not broken). That's it. It's what he ate at 11 months old, and what he eats today. He has the most horrifying screaming crying fits when presented with other foods, broken foods, or even juice in a cup.

People keep saying they won't starve. Not true for Autistic kids.

My son refused food for 5 days and ended up lying on the couch looking so weak and pitiful that I had to end the treatment and give him food he would eat. Since then I have done this on my own, experts were not helpful. We've talked to many doctors, Pschiatrists, Psychologists, and Occupational therapists and had no success. Since then I have also not made it a big deal, and let him eat what he wanted because I had other things to work on.

Every summer I do a bombardment on new foods. This summer I have finally had some success. He is now eating american cheese slices (only one kind though, still too specific), round crackers, a new kind of yogurt, and drinking milk again. He has tried over 15 new foods, with the use of a timer that meant the end of food for 3 hours if he hadn't tried the new foods within the time limit. He was presented with 3 or 4 foods, told how many bites he had to eat, and given 5 minutes, because when I gave him 30 minutes to eat the new foods then his preferred foods his anxiety kept him from eating.

So, what I would suggest is starting small. In therapy I was told that there are steps to eating. Allowing the non-preferred food on your plate, touching the NP food, Touching the NP food with your lips, Licking the NP food, putting the NP food in your mouth with the option to spit it out if it is unliked, then putting it in the mouth and chewing, still with the option to spit it out, and finally in the mouth and chewing. Many many steps. Your boys were doing what is normal and acceptable to therapists when they licked the food.

Remember that a typical child will need to be exposed to a food at least 10 times before accepting it, ASD kids need more exposure.

Eating is a big issue. Do what makes your home happy, what you know needs to be done to make your child fit in with the regular population. But don't start something and not finish it because it makes it harder the next time you decide to do it.


Good luck!

 

[KirstenB]

Ali, wow Your son reminds me of a boy I used to substitute teach for. He was an 8 old year old with autism. Every day, he had a chicken drumstick, Cheetos, and the same exact juice. If his mom ran out of those foods, and packed his lunch with something else, we could not get him to eat. It sounds like you've tried everything under the sun! Glad he's adding some variety to his eating, and hope he continues to branch out.

 

[Ms_Butterfly]

Sounds like your son has the sensory processing symptoms of Autism. They are very similar to or the same as what I have with Sensory Processing Disorder. So, as an adult who has been there, done that, let me give you some advice (I haven't seen anybody else in this thread write from personal, first-person experience).

We do not experience the world like you do. This includes taste, touch, smell, and sight. Therefore, we cannot eat like you can. And, yes, I mean CANNOT. Your child is NOT being picky! He has a disorder that prevents him from processing the world correctly. This means he cannot tolerate certain tastes, certain textures, certain food smells, and the look of certain foods or different foods touching each other on the plate. You may have noticed him getting physically ill over certain tastes/textures/smells/looks, gagging or almost throwing up or actually throwing up or whatnot. That is real from your child's brain, not something your child is making up or causing.

Methods that might get a picky eater to eat, such as not stocking the foods your child eats and saying eat such'n'such a new food or you get nothing, will NOT work. Your child would starve to death before thinking of eating things he is not physically capable of eating.

That being said, there are some things you can do to expand their horizons. Do they have an OT? If so, talk to the OT about this. Seeing a nutritionist is not going to help.

So they like grilled cheese and pizza. Try getting them to eat something very similar in taste, texture, smell, and/or look. Take tiny, tiny baby steps. For instance, I love cheese. My brother would order mozzarella sticks and I would never eat them. One day, I decided I'd try one and I eventually did (note that it takes a while). I can tolerate the texture, smell, taste, and look - and YUM! They are one of my favorites now. That is because my body is able to tolerate it (I just hadn't tried them before and didn't know it). But I cannot eat things my body cannot tolerate. I tried salad and severely gagged - my body cannot tolerate it. I cannot eat salad. No big deal - there are usually other things I can eat. And, yes, I go out to eat a lot. Pasta is something I can eat (plain with butter instead of sauce most of the time, but occassionally with meatless, smooth marinara sauce or Alfredo sauce [the latter an addition to my menu in the past few years]), so I can usually order that or a grilled cheese at most places. Otherwise, I can get French fries.

You could also just wait it out. As they get older, they may try new things on their own. I know I did, as I do eat a few more things now than I did as a child. But my menu is still very limited - but it is okay! It is a medical problem, not me! So I make the best of it and deal with it. And, guess what? I'm still alive.