Fathers and sons...vent!

[ms.yt]

My husband went outside this morning to mow the lawn and stepped in a hole and fell. Both his ankles popped really loud and he was in intense pain, so I insisted we go to urgent care to get xrays. His parents met us there and took our 4 year old so he would have to sit there all afternoon. Turns out he just sprained both his ankles and was told to wrap them in ace bandages and take it easy.

Well, when his parents drop our son off, the first thing his dad says is some crack about the lawn needing to be mowed and how "some people will do anything to get out of mowing." So, guess what my husband decided he needed to do after they left? He hobbled around and put his shoes on and is now outside attempting to mow the lawn. He says it's not because of his dad's comment, but I know it is. Sorry to vent, but this kind of passive aggressive crap between them really gets on my nerves.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I read that as a joke...but I'm guessing dad's tone indicated otherwise?

I have an ongoing joke with my dental hygenist. We've always wanted 4 kiddos and I have been going to them since before kiddos. Due to my bite...I cannot stand xrays. I hate getting them with a passion. It hurts and I feel like I am going to gag. Our ongoing joke us that I will do anything to avoid xrays. So when I show up pregnant, I'm all smiles because of our baby and no x-rays.

I can't believe your husband mowed the lawn anyway. Passive agressive behavior stinks. But letting the agressor win...stinks, too!

 

[mhsjax]

My husband went outside this morning to mow the lawn and stepped in a hole and fell. Both his ankles popped really loud and he was in intense pain, so I insisted we go to urgent care to get xrays. His parents met us there and took our 4 year old so he would have to sit there all afternoon. Turns out he just sprained both his ankles and was told to wrap them in ace bandages and take it easy.

Well, when his parents drop our son off, the first thing his dad says is some crack about the lawn needing to be mowed and how "some people will do anything to get out of mowing." So, guess what my husband decided he needed to do after they left? He hobbled around and put his shoes on and is now outside attempting to mow the lawn. He says it's not because of his dad's comment, but I know it is. Sorry to vent, but this kind of passive aggressive crap between them really gets on my nerves.

I admit it, that sound so much like something I would do. I always tell people that I think I wrote the book on passive aggressive. But hey, at least I admit it.

 

[loveadobie]

My husband went outside this morning to mow the lawn and stepped in a hole and fell. Both his ankles popped really loud and he was in intense pain, so I insisted we go to urgent care to get xrays. His parents met us there and took our 4 year old so he would have to sit there all afternoon. Turns out he just sprained both his ankles and was told to wrap them in ace bandages and take it easy.

Well, when his parents drop our son off, the first thing his dad says is some crack about the lawn needing to be mowed and how "some people will do anything to get out of mowing." So, guess what my husband decided he needed to do after they left? He hobbled around and put his shoes on and is now outside attempting to mow the lawn. He says it's not because of his dad's comment, but I know it is. Sorry to vent, but this kind of passive aggressive crap between them really gets on my nerves.

Do you have any idea why your husband let's his father get to him like that.

For most of my adult life, I was really concerned about what my parents thought of me. I have finally through the last few years gotten to the point that I really don't care. Letting them know there are limits and boundaries. It's changed our relationship, but I feel more of the adult now.

 

[sparklynails23]

Why didn't you mow the lawn?

 

[minkydog]

I hear you, OP. My DH & I had a similar conversation just last week. DH is on supplemental oxygen now, due to some progression in his lung disease(stage 4.) He looked outside and made this comment: "I need to get out there and mow the grass." Whaaaat? Did you not know you're on oxygen? "I really need to mow the grass." Well, I told him that I would mow the grass if he would just watch over dinner for me--it takes about 15min to mow my front yard. What did he do? He's going to mow the grass! And before I knew it I was SCREAMING at him "YOU ARE ON OXYGEN! YOU ARE NOT MOWING THE GRASS!" Not my finest moment, let me tell you. But he got the message.

DH and his father used to tie it up regularly. DH and DS23 have been known to go head to head now and then. I think it's a man thang. They get this testosterone poisoning and feel like they've got to go at it

 

[Hillbeans]

Honestly without knowing the back story i'd have probably made a joke like that as well - I think it sounds more like an icebreaker than a passive aggressive comment to have your DH mow the lawn after getting hurt.

They did come and get your DS at the hospital so it's not as if they left you and didn't do anything to help in some way.

Again, I understand there is more to the story but am I correct in saying you all live together? Maybe there is more tension like this on a daily basis and this was the final straw with your DH.

 

[ajk912]

Without hearing the whole conversation I would take it as a joke. I would have told my DH he hurt himself enough for one day, he has an excuse to relax and I will mow the lawn this time.

 

[Tink888]

I'd have just taken it as a joke.

I don't know how your DH is but mine would've been back out there trying to mow the lawn too, regardless of any comments. He gets it in his head to mow the lawn, he's mowing the lawn.

 

[hereyago]

Without hearing the whole conversation I would take it as a joke. I would have told my DH he hurt himself enough for one day, he has an excuse to relax and I will mow the lawn this time.

You are nicer then I would have been, I would have told him not to be a (((((((.

OP-I would have told your FIL to show your DH how it's done and see what he would have done. It's a lawn, injuries trump lawn.

 

[ms.yt]

To answer some of the questions asked, no we don't all live together,but they work together, so that's part of the added stress. We live about 30 miles from them, and, yes, it was nice that they came and got our son. However, due to the nature of the relationship between my husband and his dad, the joke got to him. I'm sure that some of you out there can relate to a dad who never seems to compliment a son when he does good, but always takes the opportunity to make a remark when something's not right. That's the kind of relationship they have. My husband and his dad don't really have anything in common. His dad's super into sports, and my husband is a self proclaimed computer geek. He's an incredibly smart guy who has accomplished a lot, but his dad never seems to notice. That's why the comment bothered him.

And, yes, I did say multiple times that I would mow the lawn, but he insisted on doing it himself. Like I said, I just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening. It just gets frustrating sometimes. My parents have both passed away, and they were (usually) pretty supportive and concerned about me and my family. It's difficult that my husband doesn't have the same relationship with his parents.

ETA: My husband just came in from mowing, and while I was asking him how bad his ankles were hurting now, he made the comment, "At least Dad can't say I was slacking off now." So I guess I was right about his motivation to mow the lawn in spite of the pain in his ankles. It just makes me sad for him.

 

[SplashMtnCrew]

And, yes, I did say multiple times that I would mow the lawn, but he insisted on doing it himself. Like I said, I just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening. It just gets frustrating sometimes. My parents have both passed away, and they were (usually) pretty supportive and concerned about me and my family. It's difficult that my husband doesn't have the same relationship with his parents.

OP, this is where we differ. I would have just gotten up and went out and mowed the lawn. I certainly wouldn't have discussed me mowing the lawn (multiple times) with my DH b/c that would have given him the option of telling me "no". If I truely wanted to help him, I would have told him I was going out to mow and went outside and done it.

 

[ms.yt]

OP, this is where we differ. I would have just gotten up and went out and mowed the lawn. I certainly wouldn't have discussed me mowing the lawn (multiple times) with my DH b/c that would have given him the option of telling me "no". If I truely wanted to help him, I would have told him I was going out to mow and went outside and done it.

Well, that's nice for you. I appreciate the snark, but all that would have happened if I had started mowing the yard was him being upset with me and him coming out to try to take the mower out of my hands, thus making things worse.

 

[Becky2005]

Honestly without knowing the back story i'd have probably made a joke like that as well - I think it sounds more like an icebreaker than a passive aggressive comment to have your DH mow the lawn after getting hurt.

I agree with this. I could so see me making that comment even to my husband jokingly & not REALLY expect him to then turn around and go mow the lawn. Of course, it's about family dynamics which are hard to convey on the internet. My family has a weird sense of humor though.

I'm sorry you DH got hurt. I hope he heals quickly.

 

[Sparx]

I think I would have to hear the tone that it was said in, but obviously the husband didn't take it as a joke and that's what matters.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhhh, my FIL was the complete master and king of that exact kind of crap. That is something that I can see and hear, exactly, in my head.... I think I know just exactly what you are feeling/talking about.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Do you have any idea why your husband let's his father get to him like that.

I have finally through the last few years gotten to the point that I really don't care. Letting them know there are limits and boundaries. It's changed our relationship, but I feel more of the adult now.

AMEN......

Like I said...
BTDT with DH and his dad. (and, yes, OP, I know what are going thru....) Those who say you should have been mowing the lawn are just WRONG... First, that makes YOU your FIL's victim/target.... NEVER, EVER, allow that.. Second, I am getting that after the 'alleged' joke, your DH was going to go out there on hands and knees if necessary and mow that lawn, HIMSELF. And, thirdly, do not make your husband's issues with his dad to be your issues... never get in the middle... do not run interferance... do not 'enable'....

Anyhow, I SOOOOOOOOO agree with above comments....
For a grown man to so affected by his parents toxic behavior is the real problem. You guys will never, ever be able to change or control how your FIL acts... But, really, seriously, your DH needs to see a different way here. A way without being totally and completely under his dad's control, at work, at home, at all times....

Like I always say here... Many, many, times now... There are never inlaw-problems.... only marriage problems.

I suggest that at, at a later, less emotional time, after this has passed for a couple days, that you sit and talk about this with your DH... Maybe this is an opportunity to grab a real 'AHA' moment when he sees that he is unable to give you any rational explanation why he was out there, injured, mowing the lawn, THAT day.

 

[MomRN]

Your husband is lucky you cared enough to seek help...

If I don't see blood, you better get back to work. And once the bleeding stops, you better go back to work.

Okay, on a serious note, now that he's already done the job and there is no taking it back, get him to lie down, make hip prop his feet up, and put a couple of ice packs on his ankles for about 20 minutes. If he complains about it, just say "Some people will do anything to get out of taking care of themselves..."

 

[Sparx]

AMEN......

Like I said...
BTDT with DH and his dad. (and, yes, OP, I know what are going thru....) Those who say you should have been mowing the lawn are just WRONG... First, that makes YOU your FIL's victim/target.... NEVER, EVER, allow that.. Second, I am getting that after the 'alleged' joke, your DH was going to go out there on hands and knees if necessary and mow that lawn, HIMSELF. And, thirdly, do not make your husband's issues with his dad to be your issues... never get in the middle... do not run interferance... do not 'enable'....

Anyhow, I SOOOOOOOOO agree with above comments....
For a grown man to so affected by his parents toxic behavior is the real problem. You guys will never, ever be able to change or control how your FIL acts... But, really, seriously, your DH needs to see a different way here. A way without being totally and completely under his dad's control, at work, at home, at all times....

Like I always say here... Many, many, times now... There are never inlaw-problems.... only marriage problems.

I suggest that at, at a later, less emotional time, after this has passed for a couple days, that you sit and talk about this with your DH... Maybe this is an opportunity to grab a real 'AHA' moment when he sees that he is unable to give you any rational explanation why he was out there, injured, mowing the lawn, THAT day.

I agree with this. Contrary to popular belief, no one will actually fall over dead, no meteorite will crash into the earth, and the sun will not explode if the lawn does not get mowed today.

 

[Bluestars]

Since your husband was truly injured, it seems like his dad's comment was just a joke. We joke aroundlike that in our family all of the time. My nephew injured his foot and we told him that he did it on purpose to get out of going to work. We were all laughing at the time though.

Either his dad was joking and your husband feels so insecure about this relationship that he read more into it than what was intended or it was a passive aggressive comment. It really does sound like a joke though. If your husband wasn't injured and was making an excuse to not mow the lawn, then I could see the comment being meant to hurt him.

It might be better if your husband spoke up to his dad instead of just letting the comments go. Obviously the comments bother him. Maybe his dad doesn't realize how he comes across.