Family wants me to pay for entire funeral costs of my sister.

[goodtype]

Hello Disboards!

I would like my first posting to be a request for advice. For months I have been reading the postings but have not posted myself. I was always impressed by the good advice people gave to the questions and concerns people had. So here goes:

A few months ago my sister died in her sleep. She was only 32 years old and it was quite unexpected. Alot of decisions were made in haste regarding the funeral and burial. The family decided on a fancy funeral and casket. My sister died broke after working in a variety of low wage depressing jobs during her adult life.

The plan now is to have ME pay for the $12,000 overdue bill from the funeral home with my savings and credit card and try to collect a little bit a month from all my family members. All five remaining members of my family have been underachievers and are broke and in serious debt. I am the only real bread winner in the family.

While I have access to the $12,000 needed to pay off the funeral but I am starting to have second thoughts about agreeing to pay for the funeral. The rest of the family (five brothers) have all told me that they will pay their share of the costs but their money is tight now and it will be maybe $50 a month. I suspect that they will pay for a few months and then emergencies will come up and they will start missing payments.

Our family is not close and I only see them at Christmas and when they need something from me. My sister (who died) and I had only talked briefly in the last 10 years. Any advice?

 

[DaisyD]

Since she is your sister I'd just go ahead and pay the bill. Just because your brothers have no respect for her doesn't mean you don't have to. I can't imagine arguing over paying a siblings funeral bill. How sad.

Welcome to the DIS BTW!~

 

[Buckalew11]

My advice is not to do it unless you can say goodbye to 12,000.00.
I don't think you would ever see the money again.

I am very sorry to hear about the death of your sister.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I don't think i'd pay it. You have no legal responsibility to pay it. Who made the arrangements? Who signed the bills? Decide the amount you think is appropriate and either help the family member who has this bill or make a donation in you ds's name.

 

[Evil Queen]

Welcome.

IMO, let everyone make small monthly payments towards the funeral bill, instead of to you. If you know you won't get most of your money back, then I'd be nervous about paying it all off.

Who's name is the bill under (being mailed to)?

 

[Freyja]

Since she is your sister I'd just go ahead and pay the bill. Just because your brothers have no respect for her doesn't mean you don't have to. I can't imagine arguing over paying a siblings funeral bill. How sad.

Welcome to the DIS BTW!~

I am sorry to hear about the death of your sister. I agree with DaisyD on the subject.

 

[goodtype]

As a follow-up from the OP.

I already paid $4000.00 towards the costs of the funeral a few days after the death. Because the total cost was $12k and I have five brothers and my parents, the per person cost divided equally would be a little less than $2K per person. So I have already paid more than double of that amount. Now that the bill for the full cost is due, I am being pressured to pay the remaining $8K so the family can get the accounts payable folks at the funeral home to stop calling.

All decisions about the funeral, burial, reception and casket were made by my parents, without my involvement, but they are in debt and can not pay anything towards the funeral now.

 

[simpilotswife]

Check into the laws in the state. In NC a funeral home can only collect up to a certain amount if the estate does not have the money. I wouldn't pay a dime. You've done your share.

 

[MosMom]

The funeral home is a business, they will accept payments. That is what your family needs to do. You paid your portion. It is time for the rest of the family to pay their portion if that was the agreement.

They also made the decision to have a big expensive funeral, they need to pay for it. They would have had a MUCH more frugal funeral.

ETA: You can have a frugal funeral and still have a lovely service that honors the loved one.

 

[Buckalew11]

As a follow-up from the OP.

I already paid $4000.00 towards the costs of the funeral a few days after the death. Because the total cost was $12k and I have five brothers and my parents, the per person cost divided equally would be a little less than $2K per person. So I have already paid more than double of that amount. Now that the bill for the full cost is due, I am being pressured to pay the remaining $8K so the family can get the accounts payable folks at the funeral home to stop calling.

All decisions about the funeral, burial, reception and casket were made by my parents, without my involvement, but they are in debt and can not pay anything towards the funeral now.

Ugh! And your parents weren't thinking about the cost, just thinking about giving their daughter "the best". How sad. I am sure they made this decision in the state of shock.

However, I don't think you should have to pay the remainder of the bill unless you have 12,000. to risk never getting back. Few of us have that kind of $$$ (I think, anyway). If it were me, in the financial position that I am in, I wouldn;t be paying for the funeral. Sorry if that sounds heartless.

 

[Beth76]

I'm sorry about your sister. But since you've already paid your fair share and you made no decisions about the cost of the arrangements I wouldn't pay anymore. Unless your name is on the bill, you are under no more obligation. I'm sorry, but your family shouldn't have made such lavish arrangements if they couldn't afford it. It doesn't sound like you'll get any money back from your siblings if you do incur the remaining costs. I'm sorry this is so difficult and they put you in this position.

 

[Stacerita]

I think you paid more than your share and I wouldn't pay anything else.

 

[binny]

Im sorry for your loss but no, I wouldnt do it.


Just because your parents are in debt doesnt mean they get to dump everything like on you.

You paid a lot of money towards this.

May I ask how they intended to pay for it orginally? $12,000. is a lot of money. That is a lot of money for most people. I know funerals are expensive but that seems a little excessive to me if everyone is so far in debt KWIM? Not to be disrespectful but I know that there must have been other alternatives for a less expensive service and/or casket. Did they just expect you to pick up the tab from the get go?


I guess Im a little confused.

Most places I know will take payments on this sort of thing, somebody needs to set up the arrangements and then stick to it.

 

[MAKmom]

As a follow-up from the OP.

I already paid $4000.00 towards the costs of the funeral a few days after the death. Because the total cost was $12k and I have five brothers and my parents, the per person cost divided equally would be a little less than $2K per person. So I have already paid more than double of that amount. Now that the bill for the full cost is due, I am being pressured to pay the remaining $8K so the family can get the accounts payable folks at the funeral home to stop calling.

All decisions about the funeral, burial, reception and casket were made by my parents, without my involvement, but they are in debt and can not pay anything towards the funeral now.

You should not pay for anything else unless you want to. Your parents acquired this debt. It sounds like this is not new for them. If you were loaded & $8000. was not a big deal then you would not be asking.

 

[Lanshark]

Have your parents and brothers make arrangements with the funeral home for monthly payments. They'd rather get some of the money than none. At this point, I'd totally back out of the situation and let them handle it.

 

[crz4mm2]

As a follow-up from the OP.

I already paid $4000.00 towards the costs of the funeral a few days after the death. Because the total cost was $12k and I have five brothers and my parents, the per person cost divided equally would be a little less than $2K per person. So I have already paid more than double of that amount. Now that the bill for the full cost is due, I am being pressured to pay the remaining $8K so the family can get the accounts payable folks at the funeral home to stop calling.

All decisions about the funeral, burial, reception and casket were made by my parents, without my involvement, but they are in debt and can not pay anything towards the funeral now.

You have done your duty. I'd run.
Sorry, just the way I feel. BTDT.

 

[RNMOM]

I completely agree you have paid your share. You have honored your sister much more than your family and they are now trying to dishonor her by not keeping their commitments.

People are short on funds due to their own actions. Those who have some money available to them are typically hardworking and good planners. You should not be put in financial risk for their choices.

I agree, let them make plans with the funeral home for payments and stay out of it.

 

[mrsv98]

My condolensences for your DSis.

My opinion, you have paid well more than your fair share. You didn't decide on the fancy funeral and it is not your responsibility. Your parents will have to work out a payment plan with the funeral home. Better to have the agreement between strangers then to try and enforce it between family members.

 

[atlnewf]

Just one more person chiming in that you've paid your share. It's family, so it's hard, but sometimes you just have to say "no".

Ashley

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I am sorry for your loss

My dad passed away a few years ago and noone at that time was in a position to pay for a big service--The funeral home was very helpful and advised us on ways to keep the cost down but since this for you was a while ago I don't believe anything that helped us will help you.

Since your name is not on the bill it should be up to your parents to get the money--If they call you again gently remind them that you paid $4,000 already and are unable to give anymore and do the math for them($8,000 divided by 6--5 brothers and them) and let them know that that amount is less than what you already contributed

I know you loved your sister and hate to have to be going thru this right now but if it is imperitive to pay off this bill-maybe you could make some sort of deal with your family--Each is responsible for $2,000(5 brothers) and have them each give you something that totals that amount(car title,camper title etc) go to a lawyer and have them write out a contract stating that each brother is responsible for xx amount and if xx amount isn't paid in full by such and such a date they forfeit the rights to whatever item they offered in the deal and it is yours free and clear to do with what you want (sell to get your money back)

I hope you can find a way to get this straightened out!