Family Dynamics During Holidays

[nutterbutter2010]

I'm just wondering how it works in other peoples families?

I'm the youngest of 5 kids, but its only been myself and my one sister in this area (with my parents) for as long as I can remember. I'm a lot younger than her, so she had a family way before me, so we spent all our holiday times with her / around her schedule (essentially she had no compitition, and had everything the way she wanted it for many many years). Since I didn't have a family, I was fine with it, and really enjoyed making the holidays special for my niece and nephew. I grew up sleeing over her house every Christmas Eve to have Christmas morning there (untill I was bout 17 I guess), and Thanksgiving was always either at my parents house or my sisters.
Well now I have a family of my own, and I would like to have holiday times spent at my house with my family (meaning sisters family, parents, etc - just the way she had it). My sisters kids are 14 & 16. They no longer believe in Santa, and (I feel) don't really need to have grandma and grandpa there first thing Christmas morning. I'm in no way saying my parents shouldn't go over there at all, but it would be nice for my toddlers to have their grandparents around when they open their presents. My sister feels differently. She pretty much figures out what works best for her, and tells everyone what is "going to happen." I got an email from her not to long ago stating that Since she is doing Christmas dinner (no one told me this...) that we will be going out to dinner for Thanksgiving.
The reason she doesn't care about Thanksgiving this year is because her kids are with their father that day, so it doesn't matter to her if its a "special day." If she had her kids, she would make sure it was at either her, or my parents house, and it was done "right." Doesn't really matter to her that I have my kids who are 3 & 4, and I may want to try and make nice family memories... and no, I don't concider going out to eat on Thanksgiving special in the least.
Anyway, I'm getting off track. My question is, how do you work it out with your family? You want to host holiday dinner/breakfast at your house for your entire family, but your sibling(s) want the same at their house. How do you work it out? Do you take turns? Do you plan it out in advance, or is it pretty much a given that most familes fight about this every single holiday?


TIA



Just wanted to add for those who read my other post about my sister.... How she is no long speaking to my parents because of the whole bio-father thing.... Its true, I actually don't have to wory about this (I hope) this year because she has removed herself from the picture. But I'm sure she will be back by the next holiday season, so I'm getting prepared in advance! LOL

And I just want to say, I do love my sister, but she makes it so hard sometimes. Shes very selfish when it comes to her and her kids (yes, of course we all are, but not to the extent she is), and thinks they are the only ones who matter. I don't think its that shes not aware of others, she just doesn't really care, and always puts herself and her kids first. Even her new husband complains about it! LOL
I planned a trip to Disney for my family, my parents and my inlaws, and she invited herself without even speaking to me about it. When I told her very nicely Sorry, your not invited, she freeked out, and didn't speak to me for almost a year. I know how she is, and how her kids are, and my kids "special week" with their grandparents would have been taken away. She just refused to see it, and dropped all contact with me.

So thats it.... kind of a question, kind of a rant LOL

 

[C.Ann]

May not be exactly the answer you want, but if it's very important for you to be in your own home - with your little ones - extend the invitations to the others and if they accept, they do - and if they don't, they don't..

Once I had children of my own, the days of dragging them out on Christmas were OVER.. No way I was going to drag them away from their new toys, get them all dressed up, and traipse all over heck and high water..

However, what we did instead was to host a very large party at our house on Christmas Eve - which all of the family and friends attended.. They were happy, we were happy, and it was all good..

I guess you just have to decide how important it is for you to stay home on Christmas Day and make the choices that you need to make..

Good luck!

 

[EthansMom]

All of our parents (mine and DH's) are divorced and remarried. That makes four full sets of grandparents. We only live near his family so don't have to try to coordinate plans with all of the grandparents.

I've learned that it's just easier to do what we (DH and I and our kids) want to do on major holidays. After some drama from one IL last Thanksgiving, we will NOT be getting together with the extended family for Thanksgiving.

And I refuse to make arrangements for Christmas Day to do anything other than let the kids open their presents and hang around the house. We usually get together once at MIL and StepFIL's house and once at FIL and StepMIL's house around (but not on) Christmas.

In your shoes, I'd tell Sis, "Sorry, we have plans." Also, if you invite Grandma and Grampa over first, seems like they should consider your invitation first. So, if you want them over Christmas morning, ask them now.

Good Luck!

 

[nutterbutter2010]

C.Ann
Thats what I'm talking about. So you did christmas eve at your house, and then did your own thing on christmas. Thats your "plan" and its a good one!
I just don't see why its such a difficult thing to figure out. Especially for my family, since its just myself and my sisters family (and my parents). We should be able to come to some kind of agreement on who does what, but it just always seems to come down to an argument.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

We sort of have a sort of similar issue, but it is an overall defect with how DH's family operates. They plan and coordinate and we are told this is what is happening.

Noone coordinates with us and it always seems that we are the ones to miss out if schedules do not match. (In fact we did a family vacation one time and though we were able to go on it with everyone, the dates, cruise destination, and cruiseline were chosen with a select group of people. We were not included in the discussion.)

And the excuse we always get--well it's so hard to plan for so many people. Grandparents, 4 kids and up until 4 years ago, only my children and now b/c everyone else has kids it's tough.)

Last year--noone had Christmas plans, we offered up our home and everyone came. Though it wasn't on the actual day.I think it was over the weekend or something.I really do not remember. All I remember is our family photo.

The *only* thing that upsets me is---when DH and coordinate something, folks come in and out of town quickly. We don't get it. For any other location--it's an extended event. I hate to blame the small house--but there just isn't a lot of room.

Bottom line--DH and joke that we are black sheep. Whcih i suppose we kind of our and that is carryover from his youth b/c he was a....well....not nice person.

Family dynamics is weird. With my Dh's family we just try to roll with it.

Sometimes, people do not realize they are playing favorites. It seems obvious to the outsiders, but not so much to the in crowd.

You have to speak up. If you never speak up, then the rest of the family calls the shots.

At some point, sis will be back and expect routine to fall back where it was. And in an odd twist, anything less than what she is used to, she will interpret as punishment for her actions (even though it isn't).

 

[runwad]

nutterbutter I had to laugh at your post only because i have the exact polar opposite of your's. I too am from a family of 5, we all want to get together but none of us wants to host because it's too much work when 35 people get together! I'd love if we'd all just eat at home with our own families and get together later for dessert but I don't dare suggest it. We do that on the year's we have holiday dinners with our in-law's side. Every other year my family celebrates holidays together, we never go trapsizing around we stay at one place the whole day. And there-in lies the problem. With my family, they'll get there at 2 and I have to practically kick them out at midnight...its such a long day, and oh the mess!!

 

[Disney Doll]

Rotate holidays.
You need to speak up or you will get walked on. Remember, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

How about having Grandma/Grandpa host Christmas morning. You and your sister both bring a dish to pass and some of Santa's gifts to open at their house. I am sure your parents will feel honored that you and your sister both want your families to spend this special time with them. Then you can go your own ways and Gram/Gramp can alternate houses for dinner.

Whatever happens, don't let this ruin your holiday. Your kids will only be little once and "you" need to enjoy it.

 

[LilyWDW]

I don't have children of my own, but I will tell you what happened when I was a kid. Both my parents come from larger families. If they had tried to figure everything out and alternate holidays... well, it would have been a mess.

My father's side of the family decided that we would celebrate on Christmas Eve and all gather at my grandmothers apartment. It would get REAL crowded LOL! We would have dinner and exchange gifts with everyone there, going youngest to oldest on who got to open first. Usually we had family from out of state so they would be staying there as well.

My mother's side was a bit easier. The part of the family that lived out of state would come into town (only a 4 hours drive) the night before and stay with that grandmother. They would then come with my grandmother to our house Christmas day to exchange gifts and have dinner.

However, no matter who was where, my family ALWAYS spent Christmas day at home and that morning was OURS.

 

[clh2]

She pretty much figures out what works best for her, and tells everyone what is "going to happen."

I could have made this exact statement about my sister. Suffice it to say, we are dreading Thanksgiving, although, we've successfully avoided it for the past 5 years or so...

But Christmas - no way, no how do we let the family drama impact our Christmas. We simply refuse. The annual "holiday" gathering with my side of the family happens on a date other than Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, usually the weekend before Christmas or the weekend right after NewYears.

I refuse, simply refuse to let my sister wreck my family's Christmas.

I could go on and on...my advice...live dangerously, have Christmas morning at home.

 

[kilee]

We split the holidays. My mom does Thanksgiving at her house, my sister does a Christmas dinner (the Saturday before Christmas-- because we do larger family celebrations on Christmas), and we do Easter. That way everyone shares the expense by doing 1 holiday each, and we each get that opportunity to do it "our way".

 

[PelletierBears]

OP I can totally relate! My husband's sister married young and had kids right away so holidays always centered around her and her family even as the other siblings married. Every year the menu was what she decided (ALWAYS lazyman's lasagna), she didn't have a large living room and wouldn't have her kids put their new gifts away before all the cousins went over, the dogs had first dibs on the sofa! I kid you not! leaving the guests to sit in the kitchen or stand! To this day (my DH and I have been married 17 yrs w/ 2 kids) nothing has changed. Holidays are always at sil's house. In fact ALL family events are at her house!
I finally had enough several years ago when we were just sitting down to eat and I so didn't want to be there so was on edge. None of the kids would come to the table so we let them play. My daughter, about 3 yrs old at the time, got into a fight with her 4 yr old cousin over cousins new doll and the head (or something : ) popped off. Both girls started to cry, SIL was snotty about it so I looked at my husband and said, never again. I packed up both kids and went home (10 mins away). It was the last holiday dinner we had there. I realized that day how unfair it was to force something on our family because it was expected by others. I love my mil but we don't live our lives for her!

Make your own traditions and memories. Don't feel like you have to continue to do what everyone always has! You don't want to look back when your kids are older and regret not having done things differently.

To make my husband feel better I'll confess that my side of the family has had plenty of drama too. We get together before Christmas day though so we're all free to spend the day quietly if we choose.

Merry Christmas!

 

[KirstenB]

Is it possible she wishes someone else would host Thanksgiving, but doesn't want to burden anyone? If she's doing Christmas, it makes sense that you or your parents might host Thanksgiving. Or she might miss her kids, and want to start a new tradition.

 

[minkydog]

We don't have to deal with "family dynamics and dysfunction" ever since we stopped going to see family for Christmas.We have family(parents and sibs) in 5 different states--our mothers are about 7 hours away. It's hard on us to travel, what with Christian's issues and DHs health. But we prefer to go down there to visit during the spring and summer when the weather is nice and the flu germs are gone(for the most part.) DH & I decided when oldest son was 5, no more traveling on Christmas. We started our own traditions and our kids love being able to spend their winter vacation with close friends.