Family Drama- advice/compassion needed! Long :(

[denisem]

OP Yesterday was really the breaking point/point of explosion/proverbial straw. My Mom, I think, is finally seeing that she's being taken advantage of. I'm not a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist, nor do I pretend to be one, but I really think that she might also be clinically depressed... I, myself, have battled clinical depression & ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a couple of days... so I feel like what she's going through is pretty similar She hasn't gotten out of bed at all today... she's actually slept most of the day, with the exception of the times that she's crying. My Dad & I actually called her Doctor today and they called in some xanax to help keep her calm, but we'll also be taking her to the doctor to get her started on a new medication, because it's pretty evident that what she's taking now isn't working.

I KNOW medication isn't the "fix" for this... but I also see that the only way to get my Mom back is to get her on a medicine that does what it's supposed to do. Then we can really start getting her better- the pills will NOT be the answer to fix my Aunt & Uncle's problems with not doing their fare share.

Until yesterday, my Dad & I have (at my Mom's request) stayed out of the disagreements. I, of course, listen any time she needs to vent, but it has been repeatedly said to me "DON'T call her. You CAN'T call her." My Dad has also received very strict instructions as to not tangle with my Uncle. [As to why that is, she is worried about the estate. Uncle is executor... Mom worries that if Uncle gets ticked, she gets cut off]. After what happened yesterday, we stepped in. Actually, we were forced to step in because Mom won't talk to Aunt... (probably wouldn't talk to Uncle either, but he doesn't care enough to call). (

OP, my heart breaks for you and your mom. I truly don't mean to alarm you, but despite her best intentions, it appears your mother is reaching her breaking point. She needs not only medication, but counseling to reassure her that one person's efforts can only go so far.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but your grandfather is still in his own home? There are also "assisted living" facilities in most areas, though from your descriptions, your GR may be beyond that.

My best wishes and keep us posted. Perhaps we can offer more suggestions.

 

[powellrj]

Been there done that and no longer speaking to DBIL because of the way he behaved when my DFIL was dying.

Your mom needs to forget about the estate and get help now. Her health now depends on her getting help to care for her father.

Talk to his doctor and see if you can get a recommendation for a nursing home or at least home health care. If you can't get any help from your grandfathers doctor, get on the phone first thing monday morning. You may need to take a few days off work to deal with this, but if you keep knocking on doors, there is help somewhere. I was the phone person who made all the phone calls. Ask everyone you know for referrals. We found some of our best services from someone who knew someone.

My parents were a great help to us when DHs actual family failed to step-up to the plate.

My mom would bring him lunch during the end and my dad would sit and watch TV with him. While it doesn't sound like much, it was a tremendous help.

I know she doesn't want to be the bad guy, but she can either be the bad guy or be the next sick person. I know we had family members that complained about the care DFIL was getting but did nothing to help care for him. They never did do anything and as a result we are no longer on speaking terms with any of them. It was a hard and hurtful experience that my DH never dreamed would happen. He always thought his family would always be there for him, but nothing could be farther from the truth.

 

[AnneR]

I don't know what resources are available in your area but I would contact your local Office on Aging. They should be able to connect your family with a variety of resources including services like meals on wheels, local senior centers and possibly respite services. It sounds like a very difficult family situation and as others have suggested a family meeting to discuss options is needed but right now your mom needs some support even if it is just a day or two or a couple of afternoons a week.

 

[trip]

I don't know what resources are available in your area but I would contact your local Office on Aging. They should be able to connect your family with a variety of resources including services like meals on wheels, local senior centers and possibly respite services. It sounds like a very difficult family situation and as others have suggested a family meeting to discuss options is needed but right now your mom needs some support even if it is just a day or two or a couple of afternoons a week.

I agree that your local Office of Aging should be able to provide lots of resources for your family.

By chance was your Grandfather ever in the military? Few people know about a pension that is available to any War-Time Veteran with 90 days of active duty, 1 day beginning or ending during a period of War, is eligible to apply for the Aid & Attendance Special Pension.

http://www.veteranaid.org/program.php

The individual applying must qualify both medically and financially. I don't know his finacial situation but this may be of help for him.

http://www.veteranaid.org/eligibility.php

To qualify financially, an applicant must have less than $80,000 in assets, EXCLUDING their home and vehicles.

To qualify medically, a War-Time Veteran or surviving spouse must need the assistance of another person to perform daily tasks, such as eating, dressing, undressing, taking care of the needs of nature, etc. Being blind or in a nursing home for mental or physical incapacity, or residing in an assisted living facility also qualifies.

 

[Jennasis]

My MIL is in the exact same predicament. You are not alone OP. The poor woman is close to having a breakdown...she is definitely suffering from clinical depression but she actually rebuffs any and all advice anyone gives her. It's as if any advice gets construed as an endictment on her efforts as caregiver for her ailing dad. Very sad.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

hugs to you and your mom, she is a wonderful, strong women

 

[BelleWDW]

Is there any way they can get a reverse mortgage on the house? i'd use that money to hire sitters-around the clock. But at that age, a nursing home is probably the answer.

good luck!

 

[SandrA9810]

My aunt is in the same situation. My uncle is well enough off some where in this country and only makes occasionally appearances. Showed up at his father's funeral for 2 days before leaving, doesn't care to call to keep track of his mother's health when she's in the hospital. To me the less the better. I've never gotten along with him, nor would I want to now.
My mom... well she needs her own looking after. My g'mother took care of my mom's needs all her life until she couldn't take care of herself anymore.

So my aunt had my g'mother sell the house and move to Dallas with her. She doesn't have any one there to help her out. My aunt's son is always so busy with work that he doesn't even make much time for his mother. My aunt even looked after her MIL of her divorced husband as she got older (she was in a nursing home at the time). I personally always found the lady a little loopy to begin with... But my aunt is the one smart enough and pushy enough with doctors to get things done, make sure things are right. And I know this isn't how my aunt imagined living. She's in her 60's and my g'mother is 83. And there's no funds set aside for assisted living. There might be from the sale of the house, but that was back in 2003 and I know my g'mother has given plenty of money to help out the rest of the family, myself included. So I really don't know how much of that is left.

From what I've read, it usually seems to fall upon one child to provide the care that thier aging parents need. No matter how many brother and sisters there are, or how well off any of the siblings are.
Now my aunt's MIL, she lived in a home with about 5 other residents with a nurse on hand at all times. For the most part each resident took care of thier needs and helped each other out. My aunt would bring dinner to all of them about once a week, and my g'mother made friends with the residents as well. The owner of the place even offered my aunt a job with finances because she saw how well my aunt cared about each of them... and she's really great at accounting. Have you looked into any homes like that?? If you lived in Dallas, Tx.... you could check them out. But since this is private I don't think the owner runs any homes outside of that area.

 

[tiggspring]

I worked for a short time in Senior services. Try calling your local Senior center for local contacts. There are alot of small programs around that may help that most people dont know exist. Some areas have Senior Day care where they can go for activities for several hours including bussing to and from facilities. Most states provide CNA (certified nursing assistants) for two hours in the am and Pm for basic care if you are unable to care for yourself. Each state and county has different providers. If you can't find them in the phone book you can call your health and human services department as well. Good luck!

 

[C.Ann]

If your grandfather is in his 90's, there is money to pay your mom to take care of him, and he owns a home, then there are assets available for him to be placed in a "good" nursing home..

He is not safe in his own home alone, your mother is physically and mentally drained, and there is a tragedy waiting to happen..

If he's not being placed in a nursing home in an attempt to hold on to his assets, it's highly unlikely that's going to happen.. Sooner or later he's going to fall (or worse) when he is alone.. He will be hospitalized and then likely sent directly from there to a nursing home..

There are options available - but it sounds like it's boiling down to a "we don't want to let the money go" situation.. Your mom should not have to sacrifice her own health for a situation that is going to end up being exactly what everyone is trying to avoid.. The money must be spent and grandpa needs to be placed in a nursing home - where he will be safe 24 hours a day, 7 days a week..

 

[pyrxtc]

Have you looked into Hospice ? My grandmother used that for the last year or so of her life and it made it so that my aunts and uncles could go home and change and stuff and spend time by themselves or wiht their families. Aso, what about the grandchildren ? I spent a lot of time with my grandmother and loved it, even if I was just watching wheel-of-fortune with her.

 

[Mkrop]

Yes where are the grandkids in all this? If this were my mom I would override her and be on the phone calling Aunt and Uncle and all the other services people have suggested here. I know it sounds like you are not respecting your mom's wishes about getting invloved but once her health was act risk I would act and repair later.

 

[Inigo]

If there is an estate that needs an executor and is causing concern about being cut out of it, then there is enough money to cover one of the "good" nursing homes or around-the-clock care in the home.

At this moment in time, your grandfather's money is no one's but his, and as such, should be used as necessary to care for him. His money does not belong to your mother, your aunt or your uncle. It is not there to be "protected" to the detriment of your mother's mental &/or physical well-being.

I just want to second this. There is no reason your mother should kill herself, which is what she's doing. She should not have to carry this whole burden by herself. By the same token, no one is obligated to give up their whole life to care for someone.

My MIL fell 1 1/2 years ago, and has dementia. After the fall, she was in the hospital fore a month, then a nursing home for a month. My SIL then decided to bring MIL home, with DH and his siblings taking turns caring for her in her home. SIL is retired. BIL retired the month MIL came home from the nursing home. DH is 14 and 10 years younger than his siblings, who retired in their early 60's. BIL and SIL would split Monday through Friday, with DH expected to be there every single Friday Afternoon until extremely late on Sunday night. DH was also expected to call and talk to his mother for at least an hour every night. He did this for over a year. It almost killed him. BIL and SIL had at least 5 days off in a row every single week. DH worked all week, and then had to spend all weekend over there.

DH is a teacher, and BIL and SIL were planning how he could spend more time there during the summer so they could have more of a break. They were planning on him doing 5 days in a row, then each of them doing 2 days each before DH returns for another 5 days.

My SIL had the nerve to say she hadn't had a chance to do anything since MIL came home from the nursing home. Ummm, hello, you have had 5 days off in a row every week for over a year. DH has not had a down day, not even a holiday, in over a year. He has barely had time to go to the bathroom.

He had no life, and his blood pressure shot up sky high. It almost killed him. He couldn't take his frustration out on his mom, so I was the target of all his frustration. I got stressed from listening to his rants.

DH was expected to spend every holiday over there, since BIL needed to spend those days with his wife's kids and grandkids. Not his own kids and grandkids, but his stepchildren. His kids aren't as important to his wife as her kids are, so she insists he spend the time with her family, and he's an idiot and goes along with her. (Yeah, this has broken my nieces' hearts, to know their father is picking her children over them. He says he feels sorry for them, since they haven't got as much as his kids have. After all, none of them can get jobs since none of them graduated from HS.)

SIL wants to spend the holidays with her children and grandchildren, all of whom are adults.

We have children still at home, but that doesn't matter to the others. (No, I'm not bitter at all. Can't you tell?)

Finally, about a month ago, when I though DH was having a heart attack, I put my foot down, and said DH needs a break. I wasn't going to lose my husband to their selfishness. (It was just stress, not a heart attack.)

MIL is now in a very nice home. She has assets that are paying for the place, and once those run out, Medicaid will pick up the bill. No, we won't inherit gobs of money, since it's being spent for her care, but it's her money, not our's. It should go to her life and caretaking.

SIL and BIL are, I think, upset that the money won't be inherited. Tough noogies, get over it. It's not their money.

Okay, rant over.