Family Drama- advice/compassion needed! Long :(

FutureMrsC

<font color=red>I'd really love to do some peeping
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Mar 4, 2006
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I'm not quite sure why I'm posting this, but I feel like MAYBE someone out there can help with some advice... or can commiserate with a been-there/done-that story.

Where to begin? For starters, I'm not DIRECTLY involved with this... more like, I'm involved, but kind of on a secondary level? As in... my Mother is the one going through this, but I'm her daughter... so I'm involved. Make sense? I hope so... oh, and I'm 25- so I'm certainly not a teenager! I'm also well aware that this more than likely is very deep-rooted & there's probably far more to the situation than I'm aware of.

Welcome to my family: here's a little introduction to the "characters", if you will. (these are merely my interpretations, of course, as I said before, I'm sure there's more to these relationships than I'm aware of)

3 siblings:
my Uncle: 8 years older than my Mother, retired, married (with kids & grandkids) likes to spend tons of money on extravagant vacations (and brags about it)... lives in neighboring city about a 20-30 minute drive away from my Grandfather. Won't do ANYTHING unless he's asked specifically... tells my Mom & Aunt to "let him know how he can help", but then acts quite inconvenienced when they do ask for his help.

my Mother: Middle child... lives her life trying to make everyone else's the best possible- putting her needs/wants/desires after everyone else's. This includes not only my brother & I, but also my father, Aunt, Uncle, Grandfather, Grandmother (when she was living), etc. She's very easily walked over (I suppose you'd call that being a pushover?). Was a stay at home Mom when my brother and I were kids & then switched over to taking care of my grandparents as they aged... lives about 5 minutes away from my Grandfather.

my Aunt: the baby of the family... not old enough to retire- divorced, has one child & some grandkids... works 9-5 during the week, sometimes has saturday hours. Very helpful, for the most part... lives about 15-20 minutes away from my Grandfather.
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Disclaimer: a nursing home/retirement center/other place to "put" my Grandfather isn't currently an option.
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Main story/problem:

My Mother has assumed the role (or maybe it was pushed upon her when I was too young to realize it) of caretaker for my Grandparents. My Grandmother passed away in 2007 at the age of 95. My Grandfather is still living & just turned 93 this April. As they aged, they required more care.

My Grandmother had Alzheimer's the last few years of her life & required lots of care... we had Hospice come in & they helped out with bathing & all the medical stuff, but we were on our own with feeding/toileting/etc. My Mom stepped in & became the caretaker... my Grandfather paid her a small amount of money (not nearly what it would have cost him to pay a caretaker to come in though!) & she took care of the days... my Aunt did evenings. My Uncle....... well.......... let's just say he became an ostrich & stuck his head in the sand & ignored the fact that my Grandmother even existed the last 2 years of her life. (He wouldn't look at her or even acknowledge her- it was very upsetting). My Grandfather has really done remarkably well after my Grandmother passed away (they were married 70 years!)- up until around December 2008.

This December, my Grandfather's health started to deteriorate. He started getting weaker & ended up being diagnosed with renal (kidney) failure. This didn't stop him from trying to have a massive vegetable garden (90 tomato plants, 100 squash plants, 100 cucumber plants, 150 corn plants, etc, etc, etc). As he gets weaker, he's needed more care. There are times where we think the end is within a few hours... he becomes comatose-like, (not really conscious, hardly functioning, talking nonsense)... and then there are times where he tries to do things & ends up falling down.

Just like when my Grandmother was living, my Mom takes care of days & my Aunt comes in the evenings. My Uncle is a TINY bit more involved, but it's still "oh, tell me when you want me to come... but I can't come Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, etc..." or acting like he's being inconvenienced. OR, if he actually comes, he stays for about a half hour and then asks my Grandfather if he's okay for him to leave. Of course my Grandfather always says "sure, I'm fine, you can leave". Then, it's inevitable... he falls down & gets hurt... or something else happens. There, to my knowledge, isn't any reason that my Uncle couldn't stay. My Aunt's idea of taking care of the evenings is just to stay an hour or so...

**********
Here's the issue:

My Mom has shut down... the only person she's talking to is me. She feels like she's getting dumped on. She stays over at his house all day- listening to him talk about the same things over and over and over again OR watching Gunsmoke or some other old western. It's wearing her down. If she vents to my Aunt, my Aunt tells her to go home in the afternoon... however, when people can't get my Grandfather, they call my mom & act like it's horrible that she's not over there. If he falls, they make it seem like it's her fault.

My Mom doesn't mind being helpful & taking care of the week days... but she'd like to have SOME time for herself- right now, she doesn't have any. When she asked my Aunt to figure out the weekend between her & my Uncle, my Aunt acted REALLY inconvenienced. My Mom would like for my Aunt & Uncle to do things without her having to ask them... she'd like for things to be 'fair'. As in... that they each do 1/3 of the work... OR that my Mom do 2/3 of the work but get paid for it... either monetarily or just in acknowledgement.

I guess what I need are some hugs... or advice if you've got it. I'm just worried about her. I hope this has made sense.... if you need more information, I'll be more than happy to answer questions.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
 
If your mom pulls back the others will have to either pick up the slack or hire someone to help out. She cant do it all but she thinks she can. Been there done that or should I say doing that. You can talk to your aunt and uncle and tell them your mom needs help, period. Let your uncle foot the bill if he is unwilling to give up some of his time.

I'm sorry to say this but unless your Mom stops, nothing will change.:hug:
 
First of all, hugs to your Mom. She is truly one of God's Angels on earth. It takes a special person to be a caregiver, as you can see by your Aunt and Uncle's actions.
While I haven't had to deal with this in our family yet, is home care available in your area? The reason I ask is my sister is a CNA that does home care. She has a 92 year old gentleman that she takes care of in the mornings, ie: get's him up, showered, dressed, does some light house keeping and a load of laundry for him, she also makes lunch for him before she leaves. Then he has family that comes over later on for the evening. I'm not sure how this is paid, but it would give your Mom a break.
 
Mrs C...

First of all :hug: to you and your mom! I've been there and done that with my mom and Granny also! Two years ago, my granny went into renal failure and was basically given a window of the weekend to live. My mom decided to take her home because she knew she would not want to pass in the hospital. Well, we took her home and she made a complete turnaround!!! She survived another five months. My mom has five brothers. Needless to say, her being the only surviving daughter, the care of my bedridden granny was left to her. I went through the same frustrations you are going through...I was sooo mad that everyone could see how exhausted my mom was from the 24 hour 7 day a week care of my granny and nobody cared. I work during the day, so the only help I could offer her was evenings and weekends. I started going straight to the house after work and staying until bedtime. It wasn't much, but atleast my mom could rest or nap a little. I also spoke with my mom's best friends and they were unbelievable...they stepped in and starting staying at night helping my mom so she could get some sleep. Just that amount of help was a HUGE necessity for my mom. Her friends would also come and stay with my granny so my mom could go to the store during the day. My mom said just those little outings helped her frame of mind.

I know none of this makes any difference in your situation, but maybe will spark some sort of alternatives.

I feel for you, I really do...there's nothing worse than seeing our mom's hurting! Just try to be there for her in any way, shape, or form even if at times she gets a little testy with you. My mom did with me at times, but I knew she didn't mean it, I was just the closest person to her who understand her situation and she needed to vent.

I'll pray for your mom, grandfather, family, and yourself. Hopefully your mom will get the help she needs so she can continue to offer her dad the best care possible!
 

People cannot take advantage of you unless you allow them to. Frankly, your mother is allowing herself to be taken advantage of. Yes, it is her father and yes, she wants to help care for him, but helping care for him does not necessarily mean that she has to physically provide all the care.

It is quite simple. She needs a sit-down with dad and siblings and decisions have to be made with regard to how the situation is goign to be handled. He does not have to be placed in a nursing home. Arrangements can be made for round-the-clock caregiving in his own home, but that is not something that is covered by insurance, so the money will have to come from somewhere...perhaps her rich travelling brother can be told "Since you provide no physical or practical support, then you need to provide financial support for this endeavor". One-hour-a-day sister may need to be told "You will need to arrange your time to be available for dad from X to Y time on A,B & C days".

Again, though, your mother has to decide that she can no longer be the martyr. Quite frankly, if, God forbid, your mother dropped dead tomorrow, her two siblings would step in and figure out how to care for their father.

And FTR, a nursing home is always an option.
 
:hug:

Sorry your mom is feeling this way! It is hard on her and it is hard to see her dad like this I am sure.

I would have her draw up a plan. Mom is there from 8-5, Aunt is there 5-10 Uncle comes on Sat, Aunt on Sun etc. Then send it to them and say she cant do it alone, this has to be the schedule, she needs to tell them that she is willing to be flexible but they all need to commit to some time.

She can also call around for some help and then tell each sibling how much they owe and if they balk then refer them back to the schedule above.

Or can any other grandkids pitch in.

GL
 
People cannot take advantage of you unless you allow them to. Frankly, your mother is allowing herself to be taken advantage of. Yes, it is her father and yes, she wants to help care for him, but helping care for him does not necessarily mean that she has to physically provide all the care.


Again, though, your mother has to decide that she can no longer be the martyr. Quite frankly, if, God forbid, your mother dropped dead tomorrow, her two siblings would step in and figure out how to care for their father.

And FTR, a nursing home is always an option.

I agree with everything you said. Your mom is codependent with your Grandfather. She has taken on the role of harrassed but noble martyr. It doesn't work. I know. I have a severely disabled 14yo son and a disabled husband. Taking care of them burnt me out and put me in a psychiatric hospital--I very nearly killed myself before I got some help. I suggest you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and then pass it on to your mom. It really helped me to see what I was doing and change it.

I also agree that a nursing home is probably the best option for everyone. There are very good ones out there and they aren't necessarily extremely expensive. My MIL had to go to a nursing home this year. She was upset at first--she had made her children promise to NEVER "put me in a home." Well. That all changed when she became unable to care for herself and unable to walk. DSil tried to make it work, but about a week or so into she began to realize that she could give, give, give and it would never be enough. Her life was completely curtailed by her mother's needs. We live 400 miles away in another state, so we have been of almost no help at all.

MIL went to the wonderful nursing home(paid for with Medicare) and is really happy there. She gets good nursing care, lots of people to talk to, activities, music--all things she could not get at home. DSil is finally getting some respite and her hubby couldn't be happier.

I know how hard it is to contemplate putting a loved one in a skilled-nursing setting. I will be facing that decision sometime in the next 4 years--my son cannot live unsupervised and needs constant care. It isn't easy. But as I get older and DH gets more debilitated and DS gets bigger, it's going to be necessary. We will find him a place near to us and visit him very frequently. He will have a new "home" someday. And that is a sad fact of life.
 
First of all :grouphug:

I’ve been there/done that and am now doing it again. We have had my MIL since the day we got married – almost 30 years ago. My DH was diagnosed with cancer in January and we could no longer take care of her and I could not possibly take care of both. He does have 5 older siblings and they all do help but not to the degree that was needed. Very recently, we admitted her to a nursing home. She does need help but there truly was no reason to put her in a nursing home. One of them could have taken her in and taken over the responsibility.

In my observations over the years, its ALWAYS one person that is “saddled” with this type of responsibility with little to no help from other individuals. To be VERY blunt, it is selfishness.

Your mom is a very compassionate and selfless person. There is a special place in Heaven for people such as her. One of the blessings that has occurred in our taking care of my MIL, is my children have had a very close and loving relationship with her and are so compassionate of similar situations. It is comforting to know that through our actions, my kids will be there for us if and when the time comes. We did not want to see her go into a nursing home but under the circumstances, this was the only option.
Good luck and God bless to you and your mom.
 
I am the full-time caretaker to my 92 year-old mother - she lives with DH & I. That said, she gets around the house on her own (with a walker). I "stand by" when she showers, but I generally don't need to help her much. There will come a time when she will need more help. I will hire someone to come in and help with her. My two sisters work full time, one is retiring soon. My brothers mean well, but aren't in the position to help physically or financially.

It's time for your Mom to have a meeting with her bro & sis. She needs to see this! She will do no good getting sick and continuing this "martyr" syndrome. I am somewhat this way. I have vowed to not have my DM in a "home". What she could afford around here, I wouldn't want her there. And my sisters would definitely be here to help.
 
Why isn't a nursing home an option? :confused3
 
If your uncle won't take his part in staying with your grandfather, then he needs to pay a sitter for 3 days a week. Don't ask, tell him-either you stay or you pay period.

Yes, your mom is allowing them to take advantage but really at this point, the pattern has been set and it will be hard to change. Like I stated, the uncle is getting off scot free and I'll bet dollars to donuts, he will be the first in line wanting his share after your grandfather dies.
 
I'm sorry about what your mom is going through. Her and your grandfather are in my prayers. My mom was in somewhat similar situation with my grandmother. Two of my aunts and one of my uncles didn't want to help care for my grandmother. Eventually my grandmother was put in a nursing home a few months before her death. I did read the disclaimer I'm not sure what to say but I think rie'smom about hiring a sitter or outside help. My coworker's and his brother did the same when they couldn't help care for their father. I hope things somehow get better for your mom.
 
OP here... thank you all so much for your advice, compassion & understanding.

When I say a nursing home isn't an option, of course it is technically still an option, but the facilities around here are either wonderful (but WAY out of price range) or affordable but... well... I'll just call them "less than stellar" and leave it at that. We looked into all of those facilities when my Grandmother was needing so much care.

Yesterday was really the breaking point/point of explosion/proverbial straw. My Mom, I think, is finally seeing that she's being taken advantage of. I'm not a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist, nor do I pretend to be one, but I really think that she might also be clinically depressed... I, myself, have battled clinical depression & ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a couple of days... so I feel like what she's going through is pretty similar She hasn't gotten out of bed at all today... she's actually slept most of the day, with the exception of the times that she's crying. My Dad & I actually called her Doctor today and they called in some xanax to help keep her calm, but we'll also be taking her to the doctor to get her started on a new medication, because it's pretty evident that what she's taking now isn't working.

I KNOW medication isn't the "fix" for this... but I also see that the only way to get my Mom back is to get her on a medicine that does what it's supposed to do. Then we can really start getting her better- the pills will NOT be the answer to fix my Aunt & Uncle's problems with not doing their fare share.

Until yesterday, my Dad & I have (at my Mom's request) stayed out of the disagreements. I, of course, listen any time she needs to vent, but it has been repeatedly said to me "DON'T call her. You CAN'T call her." My Dad has also received very strict instructions as to not tangle with my Uncle. [As to why that is, she is worried about the estate. Uncle is executor... Mom worries that if Uncle gets ticked, she gets cut off]. After what happened yesterday, we stepped in. Actually, we were forced to step in because Mom won't talk to Aunt... (probably wouldn't talk to Uncle either, but he doesn't care enough to call).

My Aunt REALLY isn't the bad guy in this... I mean, sure, she's partially to blame, but she DOES do things. If my Grandfather isn't very physically stable, she'll spend the night. Sometimes she spends the night anyway, regardless of whether he actually NEEDS her to or not. I think the stress of seeing my Grandfather as sick as he gets (but also not knowing whether he'll be here for just a few more weeks, months, or even a year) is overwhelming & the way she deals with stress is to back out of things. What she is good at doing is speaking up to my Uncle.

My Aunt is also pretty worried about my Mom... though, as far as my Mom is concerned, her (Aunt's) worries are just about how inconvenienced she's going to be. My Mom thinks that Aunt will think that she (Mom) is defective/flawed.

I wish that there was something I could do to get my Mom to see how awesome she is... how incredibly strong she is... what a great role model she is. When she gets depressed like this, she gets in this negative cycle where she beats herself up & keeps going... it's hard for me to get other 'good thoughts' in her head. :(
 
Your mom has reached burn out. She needs to get herself back on track, get some help hired in and start looking at nursing homes.

Tell her to call a "family meeting" and demand changes.

Living in fear of an uncle holding the estate over her head is not a healthy way to make decisions.

When the grandfather passes it will be ugly and frankly she will probably have overwhelming resentment.

Certainly you are on the right track with telling her to get on meds and I would tell her to see a counselor so she can vent to a third party.
 
Have all three siblings agreed the nursing homes are unacceptable? If so, they all three need to be involved in the alternate solution for care, not just your mom.

Also, it sounds like there is money available in the "estate." Expenses, including the "cost" of caregiving, should be coming from that money. They should all agree how many hours a week they will spend caregiving - same number for all of them - and anything above that should be compensated.
 
I don't know the best way to put this but if your uncle tries to pull the 'I'm the executor' card I'd ask him if he really wanted to deny money to the person who has cared for his parents for the past several years?

She needs help & fast. If her siblings are too immature to see that then they're not worth it, inheritance or not.
 
I watched my parents go through this exact same situation! You're not alone OP. My mom and dad cared for my grandfather while everyone else sat by and watched. Ugh. When grandpa went into renal failure, they tried (against all my advice) to take care of him at home. Eventually, my mom went into serious depression and my grandfather was placed in a nursing home, where he was looked after very well. Please, push the nursing home option. Don't worry about the cost, as there is probably enough in his estate to cover things for awhile. This is what my grandfather did (once he had no choice). As it turned out, my grandfather's kidney's failed two or three months after he entered the nursing home, so it wasn't terribly expensive, really. His estate covered it all although not much was left (not that my parents cared about the money).

Also, you must step in and recommend your mom see a counselor or doctor right away. I, too, suspect she's depressed. Just taking meds may not be enough.

Sounds as if the uncle needs to have his "executor" role taken away. I HATE family like that! All the power with none of the responsibility.

Finally, if nothing seems to work, at least make sure your mother is paid out of the estate at the GOING RATE for home health care assistant. Even with pay, her work will be an act of charity, but she will at least have something tangible to show for her effort.
 
If there is an estate that needs an executor and is causing concern about being cut out of it, then there is enough money to cover one of the "good" nursing homes or around-the-clock care in the home.

At this moment in time, your grandfather's money is no one's but his, and as such, should be used as necessary to care for him. His money does not belong to your mother, your aunt or your uncle. It is not there to be "protected" to the detriment of your mother's mental &/or physical well-being.
 
Everyone has had great advice, I can't think of anything i would add. except another :hug:
 












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