FutureMrsC
<font color=red>I'd really love to do some peeping
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2006
- Messages
- 732
I'm not quite sure why I'm posting this, but I feel like MAYBE someone out there can help with some advice... or can commiserate with a been-there/done-that story.
Where to begin? For starters, I'm not DIRECTLY involved with this... more like, I'm involved, but kind of on a secondary level? As in... my Mother is the one going through this, but I'm her daughter... so I'm involved. Make sense? I hope so... oh, and I'm 25- so I'm certainly not a teenager! I'm also well aware that this more than likely is very deep-rooted & there's probably far more to the situation than I'm aware of.
Welcome to my family: here's a little introduction to the "characters", if you will. (these are merely my interpretations, of course, as I said before, I'm sure there's more to these relationships than I'm aware of)
3 siblings:
my Uncle: 8 years older than my Mother, retired, married (with kids & grandkids) likes to spend tons of money on extravagant vacations (and brags about it)... lives in neighboring city about a 20-30 minute drive away from my Grandfather. Won't do ANYTHING unless he's asked specifically... tells my Mom & Aunt to "let him know how he can help", but then acts quite inconvenienced when they do ask for his help.
my Mother: Middle child... lives her life trying to make everyone else's the best possible- putting her needs/wants/desires after everyone else's. This includes not only my brother & I, but also my father, Aunt, Uncle, Grandfather, Grandmother (when she was living), etc. She's very easily walked over (I suppose you'd call that being a pushover?). Was a stay at home Mom when my brother and I were kids & then switched over to taking care of my grandparents as they aged... lives about 5 minutes away from my Grandfather.
my Aunt: the baby of the family... not old enough to retire- divorced, has one child & some grandkids... works 9-5 during the week, sometimes has saturday hours. Very helpful, for the most part... lives about 15-20 minutes away from my Grandfather.
********
Disclaimer: a nursing home/retirement center/other place to "put" my Grandfather isn't currently an option.
********
Main story/problem:
My Mother has assumed the role (or maybe it was pushed upon her when I was too young to realize it) of caretaker for my Grandparents. My Grandmother passed away in 2007 at the age of 95. My Grandfather is still living & just turned 93 this April. As they aged, they required more care.
My Grandmother had Alzheimer's the last few years of her life & required lots of care... we had Hospice come in & they helped out with bathing & all the medical stuff, but we were on our own with feeding/toileting/etc. My Mom stepped in & became the caretaker... my Grandfather paid her a small amount of money (not nearly what it would have cost him to pay a caretaker to come in though!) & she took care of the days... my Aunt did evenings. My Uncle....... well.......... let's just say he became an ostrich & stuck his head in the sand & ignored the fact that my Grandmother even existed the last 2 years of her life. (He wouldn't look at her or even acknowledge her- it was very upsetting). My Grandfather has really done remarkably well after my Grandmother passed away (they were married 70 years!)- up until around December 2008.
This December, my Grandfather's health started to deteriorate. He started getting weaker & ended up being diagnosed with renal (kidney) failure. This didn't stop him from trying to have a massive vegetable garden (90 tomato plants, 100 squash plants, 100 cucumber plants, 150 corn plants, etc, etc, etc). As he gets weaker, he's needed more care. There are times where we think the end is within a few hours... he becomes comatose-like, (not really conscious, hardly functioning, talking nonsense)... and then there are times where he tries to do things & ends up falling down.
Just like when my Grandmother was living, my Mom takes care of days & my Aunt comes in the evenings. My Uncle is a TINY bit more involved, but it's still "oh, tell me when you want me to come... but I can't come Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, etc..." or acting like he's being inconvenienced. OR, if he actually comes, he stays for about a half hour and then asks my Grandfather if he's okay for him to leave. Of course my Grandfather always says "sure, I'm fine, you can leave". Then, it's inevitable... he falls down & gets hurt... or something else happens. There, to my knowledge, isn't any reason that my Uncle couldn't stay. My Aunt's idea of taking care of the evenings is just to stay an hour or so...
**********
Here's the issue:
My Mom has shut down... the only person she's talking to is me. She feels like she's getting dumped on. She stays over at his house all day- listening to him talk about the same things over and over and over again OR watching Gunsmoke or some other old western. It's wearing her down. If she vents to my Aunt, my Aunt tells her to go home in the afternoon... however, when people can't get my Grandfather, they call my mom & act like it's horrible that she's not over there. If he falls, they make it seem like it's her fault.
My Mom doesn't mind being helpful & taking care of the week days... but she'd like to have SOME time for herself- right now, she doesn't have any. When she asked my Aunt to figure out the weekend between her & my Uncle, my Aunt acted REALLY inconvenienced. My Mom would like for my Aunt & Uncle to do things without her having to ask them... she'd like for things to be 'fair'. As in... that they each do 1/3 of the work... OR that my Mom do 2/3 of the work but get paid for it... either monetarily or just in acknowledgement.
I guess what I need are some hugs... or advice if you've got it. I'm just worried about her. I hope this has made sense.... if you need more information, I'll be more than happy to answer questions.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
Where to begin? For starters, I'm not DIRECTLY involved with this... more like, I'm involved, but kind of on a secondary level? As in... my Mother is the one going through this, but I'm her daughter... so I'm involved. Make sense? I hope so... oh, and I'm 25- so I'm certainly not a teenager! I'm also well aware that this more than likely is very deep-rooted & there's probably far more to the situation than I'm aware of.
Welcome to my family: here's a little introduction to the "characters", if you will. (these are merely my interpretations, of course, as I said before, I'm sure there's more to these relationships than I'm aware of)
3 siblings:
my Uncle: 8 years older than my Mother, retired, married (with kids & grandkids) likes to spend tons of money on extravagant vacations (and brags about it)... lives in neighboring city about a 20-30 minute drive away from my Grandfather. Won't do ANYTHING unless he's asked specifically... tells my Mom & Aunt to "let him know how he can help", but then acts quite inconvenienced when they do ask for his help.
my Mother: Middle child... lives her life trying to make everyone else's the best possible- putting her needs/wants/desires after everyone else's. This includes not only my brother & I, but also my father, Aunt, Uncle, Grandfather, Grandmother (when she was living), etc. She's very easily walked over (I suppose you'd call that being a pushover?). Was a stay at home Mom when my brother and I were kids & then switched over to taking care of my grandparents as they aged... lives about 5 minutes away from my Grandfather.
my Aunt: the baby of the family... not old enough to retire- divorced, has one child & some grandkids... works 9-5 during the week, sometimes has saturday hours. Very helpful, for the most part... lives about 15-20 minutes away from my Grandfather.
********
Disclaimer: a nursing home/retirement center/other place to "put" my Grandfather isn't currently an option.
********
Main story/problem:
My Mother has assumed the role (or maybe it was pushed upon her when I was too young to realize it) of caretaker for my Grandparents. My Grandmother passed away in 2007 at the age of 95. My Grandfather is still living & just turned 93 this April. As they aged, they required more care.
My Grandmother had Alzheimer's the last few years of her life & required lots of care... we had Hospice come in & they helped out with bathing & all the medical stuff, but we were on our own with feeding/toileting/etc. My Mom stepped in & became the caretaker... my Grandfather paid her a small amount of money (not nearly what it would have cost him to pay a caretaker to come in though!) & she took care of the days... my Aunt did evenings. My Uncle....... well.......... let's just say he became an ostrich & stuck his head in the sand & ignored the fact that my Grandmother even existed the last 2 years of her life. (He wouldn't look at her or even acknowledge her- it was very upsetting). My Grandfather has really done remarkably well after my Grandmother passed away (they were married 70 years!)- up until around December 2008.
This December, my Grandfather's health started to deteriorate. He started getting weaker & ended up being diagnosed with renal (kidney) failure. This didn't stop him from trying to have a massive vegetable garden (90 tomato plants, 100 squash plants, 100 cucumber plants, 150 corn plants, etc, etc, etc). As he gets weaker, he's needed more care. There are times where we think the end is within a few hours... he becomes comatose-like, (not really conscious, hardly functioning, talking nonsense)... and then there are times where he tries to do things & ends up falling down.
Just like when my Grandmother was living, my Mom takes care of days & my Aunt comes in the evenings. My Uncle is a TINY bit more involved, but it's still "oh, tell me when you want me to come... but I can't come Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, etc..." or acting like he's being inconvenienced. OR, if he actually comes, he stays for about a half hour and then asks my Grandfather if he's okay for him to leave. Of course my Grandfather always says "sure, I'm fine, you can leave". Then, it's inevitable... he falls down & gets hurt... or something else happens. There, to my knowledge, isn't any reason that my Uncle couldn't stay. My Aunt's idea of taking care of the evenings is just to stay an hour or so...
**********
Here's the issue:
My Mom has shut down... the only person she's talking to is me. She feels like she's getting dumped on. She stays over at his house all day- listening to him talk about the same things over and over and over again OR watching Gunsmoke or some other old western. It's wearing her down. If she vents to my Aunt, my Aunt tells her to go home in the afternoon... however, when people can't get my Grandfather, they call my mom & act like it's horrible that she's not over there. If he falls, they make it seem like it's her fault.
My Mom doesn't mind being helpful & taking care of the week days... but she'd like to have SOME time for herself- right now, she doesn't have any. When she asked my Aunt to figure out the weekend between her & my Uncle, my Aunt acted REALLY inconvenienced. My Mom would like for my Aunt & Uncle to do things without her having to ask them... she'd like for things to be 'fair'. As in... that they each do 1/3 of the work... OR that my Mom do 2/3 of the work but get paid for it... either monetarily or just in acknowledgement.
I guess what I need are some hugs... or advice if you've got it. I'm just worried about her. I hope this has made sense.... if you need more information, I'll be more than happy to answer questions.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.