Extended family problems - LONG Sorry!

[chip91]

O.K. DIS "family" I have some issues, and I need opinions, you can tell me I'm being stupid or selfish, it's o.k., but I needed to "vent" to someone who doesn't know me, before I call my family and make the mistake of saying things I'll regret.

This involves my, family..I have 1 sister & my parents.. I'll try to give you a brief rundown of my dilemma's.. I have 3 kids, my two oldest are 1 1/2 years & 6 mo's older than my DN who was born with a heart defect, my youngest is 2 years younger than DN.

Anyway, every since DN was born, it's been QUITE obvious who my parents are there for, my sister & bil..Not that they shouldn't be, they have needed emotional support, which DH & I have provided also..I can't imagine what it's like to live with uncertaintity, but I also feel like we never know what will happen tomorrow & I could God forbid lose one of my children.. I'm very religious, we attend church every week as a family. My parents - Mom always went every Sunday, Dad was a 2x/year guy. When I "switched" religions too what my DH is, let me just say it caused some problems, but my Dad started going to church every week, so I looked at it as a good thing, at least it got him going. DS & her family, they only go when they are visiting my parents, but recently "decided" it was best for their dd to start attending Sunday School, again I commend them for the effort & shouldn't judge, but if it was so important, why don't they go weekly as a family + take DN to SS?

Two years ago: It was Thanksgiving, I go by myself (DH Is a big hunter) to my parents house with my kids, DS, BIL, DN all there...someone said something about one of my kids, and I BLEW UP at my Dad. Later I apologized & he said to me, "It's not that we love xx (DN's name) more than your kids, but she's special and it's different" UMM, excuse me?? What the he## does that mean? I blew it off, figured my dad was just being ignorant and went on my merry way.

SIDE NOTE: DH doesn't go to my parents house alot for this reason, and no I'm not making it up, DN Gets whatever she wants, and if the girls (my dd's & DN, are fighting somehow it's always my girls fault & they have to give in to DN) again, I suck it up & roll with the punches..

1 year ago: We decide to plan this Disney Vacation & all go together...I know big mistake, I should have known better. My immediate family, we are "outdoors" people, we do everything together, we take the kids snowmobiling, fishing, cut wood, etc.. My parents & DS/BIL they are "sit in the house on our duffs & play computer games, watch movies" kind of people, again I'm not trying to be judgemental it's just the way it is.

SO, b/c I'm the SAHM, & my poor DS is so stressed b/c of her daughter/ job (my mothers words not mine) they leave ALL The planning up to me! I ask for input & get, "whatever sounds good to us." So I pick the house, book the tickets, order the park tickets, MNSSHP tickets, make ADR's, book a hotel to stay in b/c we have an early flight (mind you I used bonus points that I earned, to book everyone's rooms, so they wouldn't have to pay anything.)

Fast Fwd to: house rental place, they told my Mom they would be there when we arrived, well they weren't..This sets her off on a tangent, again DH & I just say roll with the punches & go.. WE get there & my sister takes 30 minutes to decide what room her & DH want (again I MADE all of the plans, but let them pick, I didn't care) then everyone disperses to their rooms & I hear gasps & screaming, they pulled the bed sheets back & there were hairs..O.K. GROSS, I know but not a big deal, there is a wash machine, it's early afternoon, we'll just wash all the bedding & put it back on.. (my 1st eyeroll of many)
THAN my mom discovers, Heaven forbid a COCKROACH! (#2) yes it's gross, but it's Florida & it doesn't mean the people didn't clean it, it just means it's FLR & there could be bugs..

Anyway, we proceed to CM's again, I explain how everything works about auto books etc, tell my dd's & dn to just wait Characters come around..Minnie was in the Lobby & the kids missed her autograph, my dbil complains about it (#3) not a big deal, we have 5 park days, we will find her!

Side Note: I wrote a special note to Disney reguarding DN & asked if I could get a wish granted for her, that's just who I am, if I can give to someone & make their day I will.. Anyway, wish granted, we got special time with her favorite Disney character, my sister cried the whole time, I felt pretty good about myself & low & behold, not ONE thank you! Not that I need praises for days, but one thank you so much, would have been nice..They did tell DN, tell Auntie thank you, she set this all up for you.. Mind you my parents, sister all were crying b/c DN got this done for her..My girls sat back & let her have all the glory/attention (they were so WELL behaved, no whining, no nothing, they just sat there & smiled for their cousin!) Of course I think one of my parents thanked me so I guess that warrants enough thank yous!

FF to later that day, while in Fantasyland I told my DF to get us all FP's for PP, which he did at 1 & the return time was 5 p.m., we get there & go through the line quickly, DF says, Cripes, why can't all the rides be like this, it seems like we wait so long (LONGEST wait that day was 30 minutes! We got in SM line when it was 70 minute wait but after 20 minutes ride broke & we got out of line, returned later for a 25 minute wait!) It's DISNEY, It's BUSY, get over it! (#100)

My 2 older girls also walked the 12 hours we did at MK, DN had a stroller as did youngest DD, which brings us to the next scenerio..

Next morning before we leave: DN runs out from her parents br & says, "MY mom says you two are farts" ( to my oldest dd's) (probably #150 by now!) my girls look at DH & I with this confused loook on their faces, we both said, blow it off girls.


FF to the arriving at the park, my stroller was one with a bar across where the kid sits, anyway, my youngest DD, the day before my dd wanted DN's stroller b/c it was smaller & I think she liked that enclosed feeling when she was sleeping..SIDE NOTE: My stroller compartment was huge, so my mom & grandma used it to store all their crap in! Anway, we get get out of the rental cars & I ask DN could you please come in mine, DD wants to go in yours. My sister proceeds to yell at my youngest DD, "That's too bad, no you can't. Your mother should have brought a different stroller for you" To which I fly off the handle & ask what her problem is, she says "XX (DN) can't use that stroller, it left marks on her legs and it's not good for her circulation" O.k, but did you have to bite my DD's head off. I proceed to throw a fit, ( I should have kept my cool, but at this point I've had it!) I tell DH, get our tickets from my Mom, I'm done, we are off on our own! No one said anything, got inside & DH goes to get a double stroller for 2 oldest DD's b/c they were tired form day before. Low & behold who runs right over to the cool double stroller? DN! DH gives me that HE** NO look, but my youngest already hopped into their so I could help it. To which my 8 yr old DD, hopped in ours, put her legs over the bar & didn't complain one time!

FF to the MNSSHP: I TOLD everyone it goes till midnight, rest up during the day! Anyway, we had separate cars, to which I told my Dad & sister SEVERAL TIMES, you go your way, we'll go ours, we want to stay till midnight. Well of course they said no we should stick together (by this time, my Dad was bit#*ing me out b/c my DH would just take our older 2 & go, he always told me where he was going, but my Dad insist we stay RIGHT together!) Anyway, 11:30 p.m. & I said does anyone want to go on Peter Pan to which my sister announces, me, XX (Bil) and XX (DN) are exhausted and we need to just go home.. UM, ok then, dh did the and we just left, so not to cause a scene in front of my kids & b/c my DH said there is no way my Dad could have gotten back to the house without him (probably true, DH is great with his sense of direction!)

Next park day, I want to ride some "big" rides, to which my Mom agreed before we left to watch my youngest DD b/c she didn't want to go on any of them anyway..So we ride a few & I come back & all she does is complain about my DD, she's so whiny, I don't know what her problem is, whine, whine, whine..O.K. she's barely 4, what's DN's excuse who's almost 6?? Oh that's right it's TOO hot for her, she's sweating to much, she's not drinking enough, she's not going potty enough (we heard this the ENTIRE trip!)

Anway, DH decided, everytime we would ride in the car on the way back, that we would just ignore & enjoy, this was our trip!!

Other things to note: our rental had a private pool 90% of time my poor DH had all 4 kids in the pool, ds & bil were "resting" 1 day they went out & helped him..Then DN would whine if they didn't play what she wanted. Also, we had a grill & one day they were all whining they were hungry *the adults* so DH gets out of the pool * lights the grill & cooks everything, while BIL & DF sit in the house in the a/c watching TV..O.K. whatever..

Please don't get me wrong we had MANY magical moments with our 3 kids & even a few with my family, but NEVER AGAIN! Then they complained at the airport on the way home, that it took to long to get the luggage (yeah it did, I wasn't happy either but, I just got back from DISNEY)

FF to today, my Grandma sent me $ for the trip, so I called her to ask why? I said we didn't pay for anything for you, Mom & Dad paid for it all.. So, we got to talking & she tells me in car on way home (they all rode together b/c they all live in the same direction) that DS says, "Never will I do that again, I'll just go with my family." NOW I"M PI$$ED off beyond belief. I spent months planning, hours on here, hours typing interaries, hours setting up the special meet & greet for DN & that's what I get!!

I already emailed my mother & told her not to plan for me & the kids for Halloween. I haven't called anyone in my family since we got home except Grandma (she "gets it" She agreed, all bil did was walk around complaining how hot it was & she said, boy does that little girl have her parents wrapped, she gets whatever she wants) I told Grama, yes & not just her parents, but mine too, they freak out over any little scratch, bump or bruise she has..Again, I can't imagine, I'm not in her shoes, but I do think I would try to just rejoice in my child being on earth, and make the best of what hand I was dealt.

MY ?? to you all is, do I just bite my toungue & shut my mouth? I feel like this has been almost 6 years, since DN has been born, I've taken it..My girls are getting old enough to see it for themselves & it breaks my heart..Don't get me wrong, I love my family and would do anything for them, but how right is it for my parents to make it so freakin' obvious, who they care more about..My dad even said to me once, "We dont' worry about you as much as xx(ds) b/c we know your DH will always take care of you." O.K. I have a GREAT DH, who helps alot & does alot for me & my kids, but show us less love/concern b/c of it..

I really just needed to vent, I know I sound like a selfish, immature brat, but it felt good to get that all out, better than saying it all to my mother or DS.

 

[ainmama2001]

Awww Chip. I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to be treated badly after you bust you *ss planning for a Disney trip. I did all the planning for our trip too...it was my dh, dd who is almost 4, my df (78), dm (74) my husband's dm (62) and my dh's grandmother (82). Then, my bil and sil come too. They are the childless, have-a-lot-of-money, know everything there is to know about kids but don't have any-types. Well, we all get there on Wednesday. It's my MIL and my husband's grandmother's first time at Disney....PRESSURE! We rented a two bedroom villa at OKW. BEAUTIFUL. Well, it was all going well and fine until BIL and SIL arrive! Now, not to be a pain in the butt here, but as you say, I did ALL the planning, booked the room....all of that. I have the ONLY CHILD in this whole thing. The WHOLE trip while they were there (Friday to Monday) was switched to what THEY wanted to to. Needless to say, I didn't get to ride half the stuff I wanted to, I didn't get to see ANY of the World Showcase because my dd had a bad day and I offered to stay back with her while my dh went off with his family (It was also his birthday). I mentioned that I wanted to see Illuminations one night and SIL and BIL response was "Well that nice because it's what WE want to do!"

Lesson learned? Though your gestures were well meaning, maybe SOMEDAY they'll realize it it. Let the dust settle and just do your Disney trips alone with your family. I don't have a lot of choides as my parents live in Central FLA and so I HAVE to see them and do Disney too, all in one trip (all we can afford and ALSO Disney is the only way I'd go every year because they drive me crazy!). One bad experience isn't worth ruining a family relationship over. I do feel your pain though!

 

[chip91]

Thanks, I know your right, it's not worth ruining my relationships over, but in a way, it was just the icing on the cake of what already started! You see everytime, I talk to dm, she has to say something to the affect of, "Oh your poor sister." Not to mention DS & DBIL, live in an apt & want a house. Of course DH being the good person he is, offered, I'll help you re-roof, cabinets, whatever just nothing major like if it needs electrical work..But he can pretty much do anything carpentry wise.. Of course all we hear is, we don't want that neighborhood, not big enough, needs A/C, needs this needs that..IT GETS OLD! And my parents have driven down to their apt. NUMEROUS times to shop/take them out to dinner/help them house hunt..Granted my mom was here when we built our house, so I'm grateful & she owes it to help my sister all the same..But I lived at the same address for almost 10 years, and I bet you I can count on 2 hands the # of times my parents have come to see me! I always have to go see them & when they are here, my dad always has to get home, to check in at work or to play on the computer or b/c he can't drive in traffic, IT GETS OLD!

Thnks for listening!
Chip
And yes, DH & I started a "going back to DISNEY" fund, and when we plan & go, I'll tell family 2 days before we are leaving, hey we are going to DISNEY! Should work b/c our next trip, I want to do the surprise thing for the kids, like pack their bags the day before & say let's go see MICKEY!

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

Well, I never understood the favorites thing. It is a mean, rude thing to do. It's one thing to explain to your kids that their cousin can't do "x" activity or needs a rest because of her condition. But that doesn't translate to giving more love and attention.

Let me say something that your DH is probably thinking, "HOW DARE THEY TREAT YOU, YOUR CHILDREN, AND YOUR HUSBAND THIS WAY!" Perhaps a bit of distance would feel good. It's time to stand up for your children and husband. They will appreciate it.

As for the rest of it, here's a hug. Consider it a lesson learned, never go on vacation with them again. Instead of being perturbed by the lack of appreciation, think of all the fun you had prepping for your trip. Next time you do all that work, everyone will appreciate it. You'll leave the nudges home.

 

[chip91]

Thank you! I had to come here & get it out, because I had my phone in my hand after conversation with Grandma & I was shaking, ready to dial my parents # & just start let everything out..I called DH instead & he just told me, he would support whatever I did & said we are a family and that's all we need.

I don't want this to come between my family & I..Distance is a good thing (good thing they are 2+ hours away & don't come here too often anyway!) DH knew it & he was SOO SWEET, everyday we were at Disney he would tell my older 2, thank Mommy girls, she's the best! He also took me in one of the stores at MK & said buy anything you want, you deserve it! I wouldn't survive without him!!

I plan to email my Mom in a few weeks & decline going there for Thanksgiving..So that would mean the next time we are all together would be Christmas, so that's 2 1/2 mo's, maybe I'll get over most of this by then.

One year my kids & I were asked by my parents not to come for Thanksgiving b/c they (my kids) had colds & DN had just had one of her surgeries that Oct, so they thought it would be best if we didn't spread our germs...mind you, this was just the runny nose type cold, no fevers, no coughing..I understand a cold is a lot harder on her to get over than a healthy person, but why did I have to stay away? Why did DS/BIL not just stay home with DN and have their own little thanksgiving?

My kids have always been thoughtful where their cousin is concerned, that is the way I've tried to raise them, they pray for her often and my middle dd who is closest to her even said to me once, Mommy if I could give her my heart I would...My oldest DD had a lemonade stand once at our Rummage Sale & she had me print a sign that said all proceeds went to her cousins heart fund.

But, my girls are getting old enough now, I"m afraid they will see it, as it is. Even if I just go with my 3 kids, my Mom is usually pretty good & sweet to them, but my dad always ends up yelling or being a crab at them (think Grumpy old Men, that's my DAD! Don't get me wrong I love him too, but you would think he would be excited to see his grandkids! About 3 hours after we are there, I know he is wishing we stayed home!)

To help get me through the last few hours, I also started a spreadsheet for a potential 2007 trip and what expenses may be, just to pass the time..

THANKS for caring!

Well, I never understood the favorites thing. It is a mean, rude thing to do. It's one thing to explain to your kids that their cousin can't do "x" activity or needs a rest because of her condition. But that doesn't translate to giving more love and attention.

Let me say something that your DH is probably thinking, "HOW DARE THEY TREAT YOU, YOUR CHILDREN, AND YOUR HUSBAND THIS WAY!" Perhaps a bit of distance would feel good. It's time to stand up for your children and husband. They will appreciate it.

As for the rest of it, here's a hug. Consider it a lesson learned, never go on vacation with them again. Instead of being perturbed by the lack of appreciation, think of all the fun you had prepping for your trip. Next time you do all that work, everyone will appreciate it. You'll leave the nudges home.

 

[Dorisk3]

I was thinking about your niece- and the old saying of what you sow (sp?), you reap. They are doing her no favors to completely spoil her. I hope and pray that she lives a long and healthy life despite her heart defect as I know that you do. But, there is nothing in the world to make you angry like your family-that is for sure. I would just let it blow over for a while. Next time you can go just with your own family and maybe (hopefully) you can just joke about or laugh at some of their worse moments. The main thing that upsets me is that your sister picked on your kids (unacceptable) and that your parents play favorites. All kids need love and understanding- no matter what their health situation is. Maybe you could try to bring it up to your parents again and hope for the best. Good luck with your situation- it sounds very frustrating. Please don't blame or hate yourself, you are human and deserve to be angry about some things. Just try to look at how great your DH and kids are and think to yourself even if everyone else in your family is screwy- at least you are doing a good job with your kids and you lead your life the way you want to.

 

[TiffJ]

I am so sorry you & your kids are having to go through this. I have a family full of "issues" also so I completly understand where you are coming from. I would definately distance yourself from the situation for a while. After you have calmed down you might want to send your mom an email & explain how you feel about everything & why and also explain how it is affecting your kids. I finally couldnt take the bs from my real dad & now I havent spoken to him in 11 years. My kids dont even know he exists, they think my step dad is my real dad. How do you explain to your kids that your dad is an SOB that only cares about himself and wouldnt walk across the street to visit them. Your kids are already aware of the situation so it is a little more complicated.

Also-make your next trip a "your family only no matter what" trip. You will have a blast.

Good luck & lots of PD!!!

 

[BlondeAlligator]

I am so sorry to hear about your family issues. My sil (I refuse to call her darling) causes nothing but trouble for my DH and his folks. We are taking my DD to WDW for her first trip and all 4 grandparents are going, my sisters were invited but could not go, but sil was not invited. A few months ago she instigated one of many fights with my DH in during which she criticized our parenting & the fact that I have OCD. We haven't spoken to her since.

My advice is this...vent to us all you want. Vent to DH all you want. But as soon as you start ripping into your family things will go from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. My sil walked out of my house on Thanksgiving three yrs ago and her parting words to me were "F*** You!". Nice. We had it out big time after that, but it was breaking my Mom-in-law's heart. So DH and I decided to be the bigger people & make peace. Sil is abusive to my DH, always picking really bad fights with him and I don't like the way she treats her son, so for a while we are just trying to keep quiet & let her lead her life & we lead ours & have no contact until things cool down a bit.

I know it's hard, but I admire your positive attitude & your efforts...despite everything you were so sweet to arrange the special charcter meeting for your neice. That's how I feel about my nephew...I'd do anything for him. Take some time away from your family for now & take time to just relax & in the long run maybe things will be better. I hope so for your sake and for your kids'.

BTW, I used to live in FL and giant bugs in the house is totally normal (and lizards, too). People spend so much time with doors open it's bound to happen.

Take care & good luck!

Allison

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

oh honey... you need a big long drink of something. Have your hubby take care of the kids and get toasted. In the morning when you wake up feeling terrible, tell yourself that you need to let go of all the crap that eats at you every day where your family is concerned.
It makes no difference if any of them go to church. It makes no difference if your Ds has a daughter who is favored. None of that makes a bit of difference in this world.
What matters are your kids and your husband. Take care of yourself (coffee for the hangover) and take care of them, and the rest of your life will take care of itself. Until you decide to really resolve the underlying issues... keep to yourselves. Build a stronger, happier family unit. Find a new activity that your family wants to try, like kayaking or geocaching. Something that involves getting good exercise and adventure.

Let them call you, don't call them unless you are reasonably sure they won't be home so you can leave a really nice message on their machine. Don't share your daily activities with your DS or your folks. Don't tell them what the kids are up unless they ask, and don't go into details... be vague, 'they are doing so well, thank you for asking!" Be pleasant, because you love them, but let THEM do the talking. Be agreeable, give them love, and say goodbye. If they want to complain about your DS, suppress your grin, let them vent, but do not get sucked into the conversation. As my favorite law professor said often, "Be brilliant, be brief, and be gone"

You have to figure out a way to keep from focusing on all those frustrating, angering exchanges. The best way is to shift that focus into being a better you. A better mom, a better wife (not that you're bad!!!) and put your energies and efforts towards the enrichment of your own family.

I wish you well...

 

[tlbwriter]

Wow. I'd be pretty annoyed too. I think it would be best to limit contact with your family until you feel you can talk about this calmly. And then, say something to your parents like "I know you don't love DN more than you love my children, but you do admit she is special, and you treat her differently, and it LOOKS and FEELS like you love her more. For example, at Thanksgiving, when my kids were sick so all the kids couldn't be together - did it even occur to you to invite my family and ask her family to stay home? No. Things like that make us feel we come in second place in your hearts. My children are starting to notice this, and it hurts them. So if you don't feel like you can treat my kids the same, we're going to have to limit our time together. I can't have my kids hurt that way."

And as for your *****y sister... next time she wants to get together, I'd say "Sorry, the farts and I are busy! "

Also, keep in mind that Grandma is probably transmitting information the other way as well - anyone who's eager to tell you what someone said about you is often eager to tell them what you said. You may want to use that to your advantage , or you may simply want to be veeeery careful about what you tell Grandma, unless and until you know she is solidly on your side.

 

[magiroux]

I feel for you, Chip. I think ExPirateShopGirl offered the best advice. You know you are a very good person and you have a wonderful Husband and Children and that is what is important. Do not focus any energies on trying to change your family. Sounds like they may not be sympathatic to how their favoritism is hurting your family's feelings and that will only cause you more bad feelings towards them.

Unfortunately, I have pretty much done this (kept my distance) with all my In-Laws. There problem is they are simply the most mean-spirited, judgmental people I have ever met, but they think they are just great and everybody should want to be around them. I put up with it (just biting my tongue 'cause it wasn't worth it) for many years. That is until my DD's feelings got hurt once or twice and that is all it took for me. I can take a lot of crap, but when you mess with my kid, I see red. We all live with in a 1/4 mile of one another and see each other maybe 3 times a year and sometimes that's too much .

 

[kanga24roos]

Wow I am so so sorry for you and your family. Let me start by saying I have 4 boys and number three was born 3 years ago with a major heart defect and had open heart surgery at 4 mths. Now I know that there are worse defects than his but there is absolutely no reason for the entire family to treat her better than anyone especially wrong for grands to show favorites. We treat our son no different from the others and we actively stop others from trying to. For your extended family to ruin not only your vaca but that of your kids is unforgivable IMO. There sometimes comes a time when people have to coose between the family they were born into and the family they choose to make for themselves. We all pray that the two can get along but if they can't I hope we pick the one we choose.
Again I'm sorry

 

[VSL]

But, there is nothing in the world to make you angry like your family-that is for sure.

Too true!

 

[barkley]

it does'nt have to be an ill grandchild that creates this kind of situation, it can
be an adult child who makes life choices that place them in a specific situation/circumstance. it can be the sibling that chooses not to work (and never saves a penny when they do) and the other siblings have to hear "poor such and such, he had to..." NO HE DID NOT HAVE TO-he chooses to. there are also those siblings that choose to have a certain lifestyle (s.a.h.m. or both parents work but they spend every penny on lavish trips, new cars...) and the other siblings have to hear "i wish they could buy their own home, but they don't have the means" YES THEY HAVE THE MEANS-they choose to redirect it in another way.

i have given up getting upset about this-i've flat told my mother that i do not want to hear about her frustrations, hopes and dreams for one of my sibs (she facilitates the behaviour). i also do not want to hear about how anyone's estate is set up and that they worry how such and such will spend it (DON'T-you've said that you don't want to set up a trust, don't want to redirect the monies to benefit the grandkids...) or how it's just been fairly divided (i don't believe that continuing to facilitate destructive or irresponsible behaviour in fair to anyone).

there are times when you just have to say ENOUGH! and walk away. i want to set a good example for my kids, and they have learned enough about the implications of life choices to last them many years.

 

[kerry34]

I really feel for you. We have similar problems with my DHs family, which i wont get started on because it will get me all fired up and also it would take up too much room on this thread. Anyway, give yourself some distance from your family until you can talk about this calmly. We all know how much work you put into this trip to make it special for everyone. Do yourself a big favor and dont go again with anyone else. It is not worth the aggravation.

 

[tjmw2727]

Wow - it sounds like they really took advantage of you. I would try and let some time pass before you decide how you want to handle the long term resolution of this problem. I would consider having a conversation with your parents at some point to tell them how you are feeling. Right or wrong it is how you feel and you have been botteling it up for some time now.

Wait a few weeks and do some more writing in the meantime - here or in a journal and see if you can isolate the bigger points. Let some of the "examples" go and get to the real matter if you can.

When you are ready go to see your parents alone to discuss how you feel. Perhaps they really don't realize how they are affecting you and your family.

Have they always treated you and ds equal or were there issues growing up? Perhaps they are really afraid of loosing DN and handling it the only way they know how. I have to believe they don't understand how badly it is hurting you but unfortuantely lashing out at them will likely cause more if an issue.

If you can think about talking with them calmly about how you feel, how you think it makes your dd's feel and if they realize the way they act this could help. Also remind them that your kids need them to and even though they try they can't fully understand the issues with DN and it hurts them when they favor DN. It will also set a better example for your dd's than just cutting their granparents out of thier life or exploding at them.

Unfortuantely you may have to be the "adult" in the situation!

Good luck and have fun planning for that next WDW vacaction.

TJ

 

[GillieRose]

I know how you feel my in laws favor my nephew over are kids. They buy them things take them out all the time. The worst of it is they tell us all about how oh we took Jonathan and Nicholas to the video game store and ended up spending so and so Or we took the boys to play putt putt (which is in the city where we live) and had so much fun. They also spend more on them for Christmas and every other holiday. I don't think kids notice yet. But I'm sure they will. One year for Thanksgiving we where told to be there at 6:30 we arrived at 6 and they where all eating already. I have many more examples but I could be here all day venting. Don't even get me started on my sister in law and her husband. Here's example of what they done. About 3 months after my daughter was born she called and told me that my husband hated being a dad and didn't like Gillian. God to love that.

I wouldn't go to Thanksgiving with them give yourself a break. Last year we didn't see all of them on Christmas because they went to my sister in laws. Instead we saw his parents the next day and it was the best Christmas we had in a long time.

 

[daisax]

I'd beware of Grandma -- people who tell you the nasty things that other people say about you (and relatives, yet!) are looking to create drama. And, as the other person pointed out, have no doubts that she's not repeating to them anything you say (and possibly embellishing it to boot).

For what it's worth, my grandparents favored their daughter's children and my parents seethed about it for years. I never had a clue that was going on! It totally went above my head. Of course they were younger than I and we didn't play together much, so that may be different. But the way they treat your niece outside the presence of your children doesn't have to be on your kids' radar screen. If they're treating them different in the presence of your kids, that's one thing. If you hear that Niece got a $30 toy and your kid got a $20 toy -- what the kids don't know won't hurt them, and you're better off saving your breath to fight the important stuff.

 

[DisneyElf]

I think both the grandparents & parents are making a big mistake with your DN.

My sister's - SIL - had a child born with severe heart problems - incl. arteries going in the wrong direction ..etc. She was told by the Dr's he prob. wouldn't see his 2nd. B-day. She asked the Dr. how should I treat him since he is so ill -- Dr's comment was - treat like your other children love him a lot - if he misbehaves - punish him - because if he does live - and you don't treat like every other child - he will be a monster. She took his advice and he was treated like her other children - taken to in-laws (even if people did have colds), and allowed to grow as a normal kid.

Thankfully - he is now 19 and may need a transplant in the future - but he doesn't feel the world revolves around him and gets along with his other siblings & cousins.

 

[seashoreCM]

Did your extended family help guard your parade seating spot? Otherwise why not you lead and they follow?

Handicapped children should share in the family chores too, where equal participation corresponds to equal time spent as opposed to tasks accomplished. Extra time needed for things like hygiene counts as chore time.

DIsney hints:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/family.htm