Engagement Party Dilemma

[TDC Nala]

I'm noting he even called the OP's daughter the B word. If he called me the B word he wouldn't be coming.

I know she was probably rude for saying something, because she doesn't know this gal and is judging her by the photos on her Facebook page. But he could have easily said "I can't control what she wears and I don't intend to." And is this "dress code" printed on the invitations or was it just for the benefit of this particular couple?

 

[TwinsinCA]

And the way the parameters are set make all the difference in being gracious and kind....or not.

And FTR I have NOT thrown insults at the OP.

"It wouldn't ruin the party ( unless someone was so uptight they let it), and it wouldn't take away from the love of the couple or their special time."

Was that supposed to be complimentary to the OP's daughter? Only someone "uptight" would allow this to ruin her party? If I misunderstood, I apologize. But that sure sounds insulting and dismissive to me.

Do you object to the way she made the "request" or that she made it all? I think Hanathy's post upthread would have been a perfect way to word it. There might have been a better way to phrase it from the way they did, but I think they were entitled to make the request.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

My wife and I both come from fairly conservative families. My wife's cousin dated, and later married, a girl from Eastern Europe. Let's just say that her style of dress led to some distracted men for years. Tiny clothes.

She has come to be a very loved member of the family, but the girls talked about her mercilessly behind her back for quite a while. Women can be so unkind to one another.

 

[Magic Mom]

"It wouldn't ruin the party ( unless someone was so uptight they let it), and it wouldn't take away from the love of the couple or their special time."

Was that supposed to be complimentary to the OP's daughter? Only someone "uptight" would allow this to ruin her party? If I misunderstood, I apologize. But that sure sounds insulting and dismissive to me.

Do you object to the way she made the "request" or that she made it all? I think Hanathy's post upthread would have been a perfect way to word it. There might have been a better way to phrase it from the way they did, but I think they were entitled to make the request.

I have no idea if the OP's daughter is uptight. Are you trying to goad me into an arguement? I agree that Hanathy's solution would have been a better choice since it wasn't phrased as a request or a judgement, just a considerate bit of information to help the welcome guests decide what or what not to wear.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I have no idea if the OP's daughter is uptight. Are you trying to goad me into an arguement?

No. I thought we were having a discussion.

 

[Magic Mom]

No. I thought we were having a discussion.

I apologize then.

 

[lizanne]

I think the mistake was made when he asked if he could bring a guest. He should have been told politely that it was a very small party and they did not include guests (as long as that was the case for everyone).

I had 2 sons get married this year. They have a lot of cousins on my side of the family. All cousins were invited. If they were married, of course, their spouses were included. If they had been dating someone for a long time and that person was known by the family, that guest was included. Otherwise, they did not include a guest on the invite for anyone under 21 (that rule was for the Bride's side also).

One uncle (my brother) called and wanted a guest included for his youngest daughter, age 20 (his 2 older daughters had guests included), otherwise they wouldn't be coming. Sons gave in and said ok. The daughter came to the wedding, without the guest and without a gift (but sons had to pay for that guest even though he didn't show up).

I know these things happen and life is too short to make a big deal about it, but my sons weren't too happy.

In my opinion the cousin in the OP's case was wrong to ask, but once they said ok it should have been left at that.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well I am going to wage a guess that this young lady won't be coming to the party. If she does then I hope at least they are kind to her. Not that it will matter because everyone will be busy talking about the OP and her DD behind her back for being so rude. Yes- that will happen no matter what anyone thinks. There will be chatter and I am willing to bet it won't be praise for such atrocious behavior. The cousin should not have asked to bring a guest but a simple yes or no would have sufficed. The comment about the girl's choice of dress (that you don't even know about) was beyond rude. Also for me the fact that he said "So you really are a ..." would imply to me that there was already talk in the family about the OP's DD prior to this incident. Of course that is what I take away from that conversation. YMMV.
OP- I hope you loosen up and stop dwelling on such nonsensical things otherwise your DD is going to have problems with her inlaws. That is no way to start off married life. All of these events are merely parties celebrating not only the joining of two people but two families. Put yourself on the recieving end of your comments. I doubt you would be ever so thankful to be told what to wear. Good luck.

 

[crashbb]

Where was it and how much higher?

It was $250 the last time she told this story. I suspect it will top $1000 next time.

I'm confused by the people that say that they (the OP and her daughter) don't know this girl at all. The OP mentions that her daughter saw things on the girl's Facebook page - okay, so that doesn't mean that they are best friends, but they have to at least know each other.

Dress codes are one thing (i.e. where something is on the invitation or whatnot). Specifically telling one guest that they have to dress a certain way is entire different.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It was $250 the last time she told this story. I suspect it will top $1000 next time.

I'm confused by the people that say that they (the OP and her daughter) don't know this girl at all. The OP mentions that her daughter saw things on the girl's Facebook page - okay, so that doesn't mean that they are best friends, but they have to at least know each other.

Dress codes are one thing (i.e. where something is on the invitation or whatnot). Specifically telling one guest that they have to dress a certain way is entire different.

The OP also says that even the cousin hardly knows the girl and has met her only 5 times (though I feel I know some people better from online conversations than those I see IRL every week so i don't see the big deal there personally). She certainly implies she (and the daughter) have not met this girl and did not deny that at all when she came back. IN fact, several of us wondered about why she would look at the girl's facebook page in the first place since they do not know one another.
It would be easy to find the page if you are friends with the cousin already on facebook.

 

[mickeysgal]

I'm confused by the people that say that they (the OP and her daughter) don't know this girl at all. The OP mentions that her daughter saw things on the girl's Facebook page - okay, so that doesn't mean that they are best friends, but they have to at least know each other.

No, you don't have to know someone other than their name in order to see their wall or photos. It all depends on the settings you have on your Facebook page.

 

[pigletgirl]

Wow...no words...

Just be ready for more chaos down the road...

 

[Mermaid02]

I just don't understand why the OP's family isn't adult enough to graciously endure spending an hour or so in a room with a young woman dressed in a short skirt and possibly sporting some cleavage. REALLY?? Is it THAT big of a deal? I wouldn't dress like that, but I wouldn't drop dead of a heart attack if someone else did. Grow up already.

If she came wearing some pasties and a g-string that's one thing......

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I keep picturing the first episode of Army Wives when Roxie shows up for an FRG tea party.

The OP should really watch this episode and see how Claudia Joy handled it. Sure she is a fictional character but her manners were spot on in this case.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't know how many more ways I can say this. The party is small. They know all the people there EXCEPT for this one person. THAT is why she is being given "special" instructions. The rest already know what is expected so there is no point in telling them what they already know. Just like there is no point in telling people you are close to, that already know NOT to bring their kids, to tell them again to not bring their kids. It has nothing to do with who might have kids who are brats. It has to do with giving information to people who are out of the loop.

Is it appropriate to allow one person to bring their kids and not another? No. Is it appropriate to only tell one person when the rest already know? IMO, Yes. Who may or may not be a brat is not even at issue here.

The problem is that you all made an assumption that based on a person's job and the pics that you scoped out on FB that the young lady would darken your door dressed like a street walker. As has already been pointed out, dress codes should be printed on invitations to all, no one should be singled out for education. I will agree that the cousin should never had asked to bring a date but you had teh option of solving the problem by saying no. No explanation would have been needed at that point. WHen you said he could you needed to stop there. If the girl's dress was not appropriate she would have been the one who was not comfortable. Not you or your DD.

That's rude (the bolded scenario, not you personally). Assuming a person will be skanky at your party when you have never even met them and then telling their date to make sure nothing is "hanging out", is rude. Period. If you want a dress code then it should be on the invitations. Otherwise, you get what you get. And again, even if she does show up with too much cleavage....in the big picture, it means nothing. It wouldn't ruin the party ( unless someone was so uptight they let it), and it wouldn't take away from the love of the couple or their special time.

I guess that in that case since she is the one person they don't know, it would be appropriate to make an extra effort to be gracious and make her feel comfortable.

There is nothing wrong with a dress code for the party. There is nothing wrong with issuing a request that kids not be in attendance.

These things are usually handled much more graciously than with a snotty comment about her job attire and facebook photos as well as the family behind the back gossip that she's not even really a girlfriend because she lives out of state and he's only seen her 5 times.

I would think that such classy, "conservative," people would pay just as much attention to politeness and etiquette as they would to judgmental unfriendliness to future family members about whether or not she'd show up with her body parts hanging out and ruin their special event.

A simple. "Why of course, we'd love to have her attend. Why don't you give me her address and I'll mail her an invitation."

And then sending an invitation which is worded "Semi Formal attire is requested" or whatever would have been a much more accepted means of handling this situation.

to both posts!

 

[disney_mommy]

Just wanted to mention that DD and her DH attended a wedding in Manhattan a few years back.. (Her DH's cousin - an attorney, marrying another attorney..)

It was an extremely expensive wedding (she's from "old money") held in an extremely expensive/exclusive hotel (where the out of town guests were staying as well).. There was a very strict dress code - imposed by the hotel - even during the "off" hours - prior to the wedding and reception.. You weren't even allowed to step foot in the lobby without being what they (hotel) considered "properly attired".. So - yes - there are weddings where dress codes are strictly enforced.. (And your $300+ a plate weddings don't even come close to what the per plate charge was here.. Think higher - much, much higher..)

I don't remember the name of the hotel, but the per plate charge was in the $500 range - give or take a bit.. (Granted, the food was extremely elegant - but still..) Parking per day was $40 or $50 (can't remember the exact figure); "discounted" rooms (for guests) were $450 per night.. DD and her DH were not in the wedding (DGD was - but her dress was purchased by her other grandmother).. When all was said and done, it cost roughly around $1000 for them to attend the wedding.. They went down on a Friday night and left early Sunday morning (but still had to pay the full day parking fee).. The wedding itself ended up being in the high 6 figures - and I don't even know if that included the wedding gown, flowers, rings, etc..

If another cousin gets married in Manhattan, (this was the second wedding they have attended down there) they will not be going.. $1000 just to attend a wedding is ridiculous..

Is this the same wedding you talk about in this post?

06-20-2005, 02:07 PM #46
C.Ann
We'll remember when...
No time for green bananas
When the going gets tough, she gets the Palmolive!!
If I knew we were going to be graded here, I might try harder


Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 32,430

My son-in-law's cousin got married in Manhattan last fall.. The wedding cost well over $60,000 - but neither the bride nor the groom asked for "donations" - although other family members "hinted" by announcing that the dinners were $250 a plate..

Just going to the wedding was costly enough.. The hotel room was in the $250 to $300 range, the parking was $45 - and there was a dress code you had to adhere to while present anywhere in the hotel..

They went - gave a monetary gift that was suitable for their budget - and spent the entire weekend laughing over how ridiculous the whole thing was..

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I just don't understand why the OP's family isn't adult enough to graciously endure spending an hour or so in a room with a young woman dressed in a short skirt and possibly sporting some cleavage. REALLY?? Is it THAT big of a deal? I wouldn't dress like that, but I wouldn't drop dead of a heart attack if someone else did. Grow up already.

If she came wearing some pasties and a g-string that's one thing......

Agreed, seriously get over it (and I dress pretty conservatively). I think the cousin's response was actually pretty restrained.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

First of all, I don't know why people have engagement parties.

Second, I think it's rude to call out this girl's wardrobe choices. Either invite her, or don't.

 

[Kathi OD]

I really think it was rude to make a comment about what cousin's guest was going to wear, UNLESS everyone got the same message.

However, if I were cousin, I'd want to do the exact opposite of what the bride & groom asked (although I wouldn't have the guts). I'd make sure to bring my Hooters girlfriend and tell her to put on her trashiest outfit, maybe even tell her to hit on some of the guys, just to watch the fireworks. Immature? Definitely (which is why I could never do it), but what the heck? Who am I to ruin your expectations?

What I would do though, is bring the guest and leave it up to her to decide what to wear.

 

[badblackpug]

Here is a few things I thought about:

I know a few people whose style is not my cup of tea, but I would never dream of suggesting that they change to suit me. I have a lovely friend. She is sweet and generous and very smart. She is covered in tattoos and piercings, and sports mostly biker gear. not my style, but I value her for who she is. What I am trying to say in my long-winded way, is that the bride can choose to be as "conservative" as she wants to be, but she has no right to impose her style on anyone else.

As for working at Hooters... the economy is bad. Lots of people have taken jobs, that 5 years ago they would never have dreamed of doing, just to make ends meet. Just go into McDonald's. All the teens behind the counter have been replaced by middle aged adults. At least this lady is working!

..and on to the "dress code:" If the dress code had been included in every invitation, then a dress code would be okay, but singling out a specific person was rude. It was a not-so-subtle condemnation of the cousins date. I am sure no one called uncle Irving and told him "make sure aunt Millie doesn't show up at the party with anything hanging out." ...and really, what will you do if someone, anyone not just Hooters girl, shows up in an outfit of which you don't approve? Ask them to leave?

As for the "only been out with her 5 times and lives in another state:" Maybe they haven't known each other long, but maybe he has very strong feelings for her. Maybe they talk every day but because of schedules and distance can't get together that often. I have a co-worker that met her husband (from a different state) on a cruise. They were married 3 months later, and are still married, 10 years later.