Engagement issues already....

[HM]

I planned my wedding in three months. An alternative to getting married two years from now, is plan ithe wedding sooner. just a thought.

Sorry it's not off to a good start. I'm sure it will all work out.

 

[jevs]

I think people get married and everything is ME ME ME. They forget that in all actuality they are hosting a party for their guests. IMO putting your guests in a tough spot isn't being a good host.

Let's be real. Close family or the mother of the groom isn't going to be ok not attending the showers or not taking a gift to the wedding. That's ridiculous.

I always thought that when a couple decided to marry they wanted to make a legal commitment to each other, spend a life together etc etc..

I had no idea it was all about hosting a party.

My mistake

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I always thought that when a couple decided to marry they wanted to make a legal commitment to each other, spend a life together etc etc..

I had no idea it was all about hosting a party.

My mistake

I never said it was All about hosting a party but it is a part of it. If you're having a party after your ceremony then you are hosting a party. To me anyway.

I got married at city hall. No party after.

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, planning on next Fall... is not enough 'breathing room'.
That is not enough tine to buy gifts and mark calendars.
Really?????

Wow.... the lengths some people will go to try to justify!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

This seems like something the groom needs to discuss with his own family. Since the groom seems on board with the date, his mother's arguments must not have convinced him to change it to a more convenient time for her.

Honestly, I don't know too many grooms who don't just go along with whatever the bride wants. What they say & what they think can be two very different things. If you had a groom who was truly involved in all aspects of the planning, lucky you. Most of us didn't.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And, shouldn't a groom make his and his wife's wishes his priority?
He should expect his future WIFE and himself to wait until 2018 to try to caters to his mothers issues and 'convenience'.

Peoples mode of thinking can be seriously mind-blowing.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I never said it was All about hosting a party but it is a part of it. If you're having a party after your ceremony then you are hosting a party. To me anyway.

I got married at city hall. No party after.

No, but it also isn't about calling all of the potential guests to see which date might be good.

You decide on a date, schedule the church/hall/whatever. THEN you send out invitations. Those that can come, do. Those that can't, don't.

That's it.

The MIL has over a year to "get ready." To clear the calendar.

Honestly, to me. It sounds like she is simply trying to keep the focus on her daughter. Which is funny because the daughter doesn't have a problem with the date.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

And, shouldn't a groom make his and his wife's wishes his priority?
He should expect his future WIFE and himself to wait until 2018 to try to caters to his mothers issues and 'convenience'.

Peoples mode of thinking can be seriously mind-blowing.

If you're referring to my post, I think the groom should put his fiance first. The fact that he says his Mom is being difficult may not be what he's thinking though. From my experience with men, they tend to say what you want to keep the peace. I really don't care what two random people do, but I can see how two weddings that close together could be a hardship on the family facing it.

 

[Bluestars]

Honestly, I don't know too many grooms who don't just go along with whatever the bride wants. What they say & what they think can be two very different things. If you had a groom who was truly involved in all aspects of the planning, lucky you. Most of us didn't.

My point is if there is an issue with a mother, then the family member needs to be the one to deal with it. If my husband's mother said she didn't want me and my husband doing something, then I would let my husband deal with his mother. Since it's the MIL who is having the issues, then I think her son needs to be the one to deal with her instead of his fiancé or his finance's family. I agree that grooms are typically not involved. If the groom's mother has all of these issues with the wedding date and the groom isn't bothered, then it seems like he has made a decision that his mother should respect. If she doesn't want to contribute financially, she can just tell him. I think trying to control other people is wrong. There is nothing wrong with making suggestions, but then the MIL should back off.

Personally, if my son had wanted to get married two months after my daughter, I would have been fine with it

 

[Wendy31]

Honestly, I think it depends on the style of both weddings - the cost, how large, etc. It also depends on if a lot of family is out of town & will have to travel for both weddings & how many pre-wedding events will be planned (showers, parties, etc.) & how many of these pre-wedding events will involve the same set of guests for both weddings.

I mean, one can say "a wedding is just about the bride & groom & nothing else should matter," but, in reality, there are almost always expectations for family members & other guests. And it's easy to say, "whoever can come, can come," but a lot of family members will still feel obligated to attend both events (& the various events surrounding the weddings) even if it is a hardship.

Depending on what the expectations are for both weddings, 2 weddings within 2 months of each other in the same family probably is a lot. I can't imagine being the mother of the bride & then 2 months later being the mother of the groom - 2 dresses, showers, gifts, financial obligations for both weddings, hosting various events, coordinating different events that involve different family members... it's a lot.

To the OP - What would you want if the situation were reversed? Would you want both of your children to get married within 2 months of each other?

Some people would be completely fine with it. Others would be completely stressed by it.

I got married in April. My sister graduated from high school in May. Over 20 years later, my mom still likes to remind me what a stressful two months that it was for her & will ask why I had to get married a month before my sister graduated from high school. That said, at the time, she really didn't say that much about it after DH & I had chosen a date, & we went forth w/ wedding planning. I will say though, 4 years later, she was much less stressed at my sister's wedding & was more "involved" w/ my sister's wedding.

I also know a lady whose 2 daughters got married within ONE month of each other. One got married in June. The other got married in July. But their weddings were VERY simple. Each one only had one shower. There were some out=of-town family that did have to travel for both - but they stayed w/ family & not in hotel rooms.

And, while I know it's nice that the groom is going along w/ the bride, is it really all that accurate to call him a "keeper" when he's not considering the feelings of both families? Some posters are congratulating the daughter for finding a man that's willing to go against his own family for her wishes. However, to me, it's not like the mother of the groom is protesting the style of the wedding or what dress the bride is going to wear or what they're serving at the reception - She's asking for a little consideration for his sister's wedding that was already scheduled. Sure, there are times when you & your spouse stand united against the meddling of family members. There are times when a husband should stand up for his wife to his mother. I'm just not so sure this is one of those times - w/o at least considering other options.

We make decisions &, ultimately, we do what works best for us, but, still, when making those decisions, do you not also want to at least consider how your decisions might affect others - especially other family members? There's no way to please all the people all the time, &, sometimes, no matter what we do, someone is going to be upset or, unfortunately, adversely affected. That's just the way life is sometimes. However, to me, it's just seems a little coldhearted & selfish to basically say, "We don't care how this affects you. We're going to do it our way anyway."

Again, I know the wedding is for the bride & groom, but usually a wedding does involve families & other guests. Right now, the bride's mother is on the side of things where the schedule & feelings of the groom's mother (her daughter's mother-in-law) aren't really being considered. How would the bride's mother feel if she were on the other side of things where her daughter was not considering her feelings in a decision that involved both families?

 

[kamik86]

If we were talking September and November of this year I would get it... But we are talking next year.

Presents and stuff I don't get. Unless they are inviting tons of people they don't see often everyone is going to know fairly soon if they don't already about these weddings They have more then enough time to plan finances so they can get two gifts closer together.

Now trips and being off work yes if there are some that have to travel they may not be able to make both. However that is a risk any time you have people that have to travel.

Maybe they want the wedding a certain time of year. I wanted a fall wedding. Due to this I got married before I graduated from college. I got married in November and graduated the next May. DH and I were the only ones that had to travel to this wedding. Everyone else lived less then an hour from the venue.

Maybe they just don't want to wait even longer but wanted to make sure they didn't over shadow his sister by suddenly announcing they will get married before her. So they set it shortly after. Maybe they don't want to wait months longer. Also made the date is set is because its when he will have the time of school to have a honeymoon and celebrate. They may have to wait until late May/early June when he is out of school if they wait, espeically if they have to travel.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

My point is if there is an issue with a mother, then the family member needs to be the one to deal with it. If my husband's mother said she didn't want me and my husband doing something, then I would let my husband deal with his mother. Since it's the MIL who is having the issues, then I think her son needs to be the one to deal with her instead of his fiancé or his finance's family. I agree that grooms are typically not involved. If the groom's mother has all of these issues with the wedding date and the groom isn't bothered, then it seems like he has made a decision that his mother should respect. If she doesn't want to contribute financially, she can just tell him. I think trying to control other people is wrong. There is nothing wrong with making suggestions, but then the MIL should back off.

Personally, if my son had wanted to get married two months after my daughter, I would have been fine with it

We don't really know that the MIL is trying to control anything. She may be. Then again, she may just be worried about the money. The groom-to-be may just be saying what he thinks his fiance wants to hear. Again, we don't really know. Personally, I would stand by my DH, whether I agreed with him or not. Why would I expect anything different from the future groom?

Some people have unlimited resources for this type of thing & some don't. My sister passed away, when my niece was young. When she got married last December, my sisters & I paid for the wedding. If my DS had come up after their date was set, & plans were in progress & said he was getting married a couple months later, I would have told him that's great. I would support that completely, but they shouldn't expect a lot of money from us. One wedding at a time is enough on the bank account. Now that her wedding is behind us, when our DS gets married, we'll pay for a rehearsal dinner at any restaurant they choose & pay for the honeymoon. He knows he can expect that. If necessary, we'll help with the wedding. Some of just don't have the money to pay for a wedding, then turn around a couple months later & pay for a rehearsal dinner, honeymoon &/or whatever else we need to pay for. OTOH, for our wedding, my inlaws didn't spend a penny. I doubt MIL even bought a new dress. If the groom's parents won't have to spend a dime on the wedding, they shouldn't have a problem with the close dates.

Again, I really couldn't care less what two random people choose to do. From personal experience, I can see the future MIL's POV. She's not a horrible person to worry about the close dates, if she, her family & friends will have to contribute financially to both if the wedding. If all the guests & attendants are totally different for the two weddings & the future MIL won't have to spend any money on her son's wedding, she shouldn't have a problem with it. Obviously, the OP wants her DD to chose the dates she wants, which is totally understandable. IMO, neither mother is totally right or wrong.

 

[MIGrandma]

I've been both: mother of the bride, and mother of the groom. For both weddings I participated when asked, gave my opinion when asked, and otherwise kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself.

I think your daughter and her future husband should get married when THEY want to, and the groom's mother should keep her opinions to herself unless she's asked.

 

[Canooknic]

My family are obviously a bunch of freaks because I got married July 19th and my brother got married July 27th, everyone loved it!
We had an amazing time planning things and bouncing ideas off each other and the whole of July was just a huge celebration - it was fantastic.

I've never understood the whole 'it's all about the bride' thing anyway - didn't at my first wedding and even less so at my second

 

[Gumbo4x4]

They should just elope and avoid all the drama.

Yup, and if this thread isn't proof enough, I don't know what is.

 

[Lynne G]

There were 12 people at my wedding, including me and my husband and the officiant. It went off without a hitch..was it not a real wedding?

Of course it was. If you note, I put LOL after my statement. And almost all weddings where lots of guests come, family, and sometimes friends, create unhappiness with their opinions and thoughts. I think my DSis had the best wedding, she eloped. I had drama and then some.

 

[Jaya]

I don't know about other families, but in mine I don't think you're really married unless you have at least one mother-in-law calling down the Wrath of God on the participants about something.

 

[RedAngie]

The bridal couple can set whatever date they want. But I totally understand the MIL's position.

Heck, I was a little put off when three cousins (all sisters) had their weddings a total of a year apart. October, March, then October again. Three showers, three new dresses to buy, etc.

IMO, too much too soon.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I agree that 2 months is a bit close if both weddings are standard 100-250 guest list type weddings with a ceremony and big reception with dinner and dancing.

I do have to roll my eyes at the people who only come to respond to say that their wedding was better/easier/smarter because they planned it in 2 weeks, got married at the courthouse and had supermarket cake and punch with 10 family members afterwards---so why can't everyone do it like that? I'm exaggerating of course, but you see what I mean.

I see how the couple is in a bit of a bind in choosing a date. Let's say they want 3-4 months between weddings. Well, a May or June 2017 wedding may be hard to plan if they have a particular venue in mind. Most popular ones would already be booked. And a January wedding may have unwanted winter weather (depending on location). I know I wouldn't want a winter wedding.

I'm not seeing a perfect solution that would make everyone happy, but I do understand grumbling on behalf of the groom's mom.

 

[gmboy95]

Having just past 20 years of marriage I have two pieces of advice before taking the vows

1) put a tent up in the back yard and invite a few family and friends....take the money you would have spent and either buy a house or stick it in an education fund for you future children

2) marriage has three phases...before kids, kids , after kids....make sure you prepare ahead of time for each of these stages!