Engagement issues already....

[gotomu212]

I was in this situation with my brother until they pushed their wedding back a year (not because of date conflicts but job situations). When we were a year out it didn't seem like a big deal that we were going to have 2 weddings in 2 months, but I really did not comprehend all of the events and things that my mom would be involved in.

Financially, even if they aren't putting money towards the wedding event itself, that's 2 mother of the bride/groom dresses, 2 shower gifts, 2 wedding gifts, 2 weekends of hosting out of town family not to mention that the showers may start for one before the other one is married. They are also putting a lot of pressure on grandparents, aunts/uncles, and other siblings- no these aren't command performances but this is going to stretch a lot of budgets right before the holidays.

Ultimately as the wedding couple they can do what they think is right but I think they might be under estimating how insanely busy they will be juggling weddings, events, and graduations. Realizing that some extended family is going to have to make cuts in how many things they attend (and will there be hard feelings if Uncle Bob or Grandma Mary goes to one wedding but not the other ?).

 

[momz]

so much fuss over the wedding. That's just not how DH and I are. Let the kids do what they want. But, we had a very small, quick, low-key affair.

I was out of graduate school for about 6 months. We got married the weekend before DH graduated from college. No kidding, we had the wedding on a Saturday afternoon. I went back to work on Monday, and DH had finals week the week after the wedding. Then...the following week...WE WENT TO DISNEY WORLD!!!! The rest is history.

we had, maybe 50 guests at the wedding. Ceremony was about 20 minutes followed by a cake and snacks reception in the church basement. And this was in 2000, so not exactly the olden days. We did not follow the example of friends and family who had very expensive weddings and receptions. We didn't care to saddle ourselves or our parents with that kind of expense.

 

[cabanafrau]

I kind of understand why two weddings in two months within a single immediate family might stretch a lot of people. I have a very close friend with three grown kids who have had so many graduations, weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, engagement parties, gender reveal parties, bridal tea luncheons, etc., etc., etc. -- and etc. in five years time that she has gotten comments from family and friends that they need to take a breath. She is the type of person who never wants to turn down an invitation for so much as a stop sign installation and gets really upset when people can't or won't attend events and she was very hurt by the (mild) feedback she's received about the non stop events for her kids. Then she turns around and complains to me that she's had to cut the amounts she's giving at weddings, showers, graduations, etc. because there have been so many and she's been spending so much on her own kids' functions.

Sometimes it's hard to see what's right in front of us.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

It is their wedding.

Unless they want her to pay for it, officiate it or be a major part of it, it really shouldn't be that big of a deal to her.

If it is a large wedding with all of the aunts, uncles and cousins invited, it is up to those invitees whether they pay for another trip. Either way, it doesn't effect the mother of the groom.

If she is invited to too many showers, she can decline or purchase a small, inexpensive gift. Heck, she doesn't have to give a wedding gift if she doesn't want to.

 

[disykat]

Because of the proximity to another already planned wedding, I think the couple needs to be very careful of expectations of any family members and friends who will be involved in both weddings. If they are able to deal with this, then they should move forward. If they are expecting equal hoopla to the other wedding, then they need to postpone. It's totally their call, but they have to account for the stress it might add to his family. If they move forward, a careful conversation that they understand the stress and don't expect x or x from them would probably be very helpful.

Personally, I'd probably move forward but expect less family involvement and be very careful not to step on sister's toes. It's not sister's "year," but it is a big moment in her life. Acknowledge that and show that nothing about her time will be lost.

Destination weddings, holiday weddings, two weddings in two months..... all weddings, really, need to be about the bride and grooms needs and wants first. BUT if it's not convenient for their guests they need to be okay without their involvement.

 

[LilyWDW]

If the couple wants to set that as their date, then that is up to them. They just may end up in a situation that some family or friends may not be able to make both depending on finances or that may be upset of feel guilty about not being able to afford all the extras like gifts, showers, and the like.

Personally I think they are too close together.

 

[pryncess527]

They are already waiting 15 months to get married, so clearly they're not in a hurry despite living apart during the engagement. I don't think it was insane for the mother-in-law to suggest that they wait another couple of months provide more space between such major family events. - moving from Nov 2017 to 2018 could be as little as 2-3 more months. If they don't want to it's their choice, but I think it's a request worth considering seriously, for their own benefit.

 

[disykat]

For some reason I had missed this, thinking they were doing a quick wedding this year. Why plan a wedding for over a year away so close to another wedding? Is there a specific reason?

 

[potterfanatic]

Grooms mom then said her focus is on the fiancées sister for the year and doesn't have time to deal with his marriage also. Next, grooms mom said she was hopeful her son would graduate and be in his field longer. Next concern was, how will you financially be able to pay student loans and live day to day. The list goes on.

I don't know if this was missed by the PPs but if the problem was initially the finances, and now has escalated to a "how will you live from day to day?" it is not, IMO, about the dates, it's that she's scared. As a mother, I can totally see being scared to "lose" two of your children to marriage in the same year. I can say this because I honestly believe that is what happened before I got married. My MIL pulled all kinds of excuses from, you can't be married while in grad school, you don't know how to pay bills, and it escalated until she refused to come to our wedding. (She did end up attending). I don't know from experience as my kids are young, but I'm sure it's difficult to have two of your children get married in the same year. It is probably emotionally exhausting.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I don't think one couple should have to wait a whole year just to give another the spotlight (and waiting two or three months would not be a reasonable compromise where I am because the weather would be a big factor then).

As long as the couple's feelings won't be hurt if not everyone can travel twice, or if MIL can't contribute quite as much, I think it's fine.

I'm also thinking if the two couples get married close together, they might end up having kids close together - who will be wonderfully happy growing up with cousins their own age!

 

[RunningGirl]

IMO those 2 weddings are way too close together. I completely get it (but not the rant about day-to-day expenses, etc). My DD just got married and not only is it financially draining, but it is exhausting. We have already talked about what our budget will have to be when DS gets married, as we will help out just like DSIL's family helped out. Even when it's a son, it is not cheap! It's also asking a lot of time/money from the family and friends that will be invited to both. I really cannot imagine both my kids getting married within that short of a time.

 

[Hikergirl]

It is their wedding.

Unless they want her to pay for it, officiate it or be a major part of it, it really shouldn't be that big of a deal to her.

If it is a large wedding with all of the aunts, uncles and cousins invited, it is up to those invitees whether they pay for another trip. Either way, it doesn't effect the mother of the groom.

If she is invited to too many showers, she can decline or purchase a small, inexpensive gift. Heck, she doesn't have to give a wedding gift if she doesn't want to.

Really, she is their mother. You don't think a child's wedding is a big deal to a parent? And do you really think her deciding not to attend her own dd's shower or her not attending her future DIL's shower would go over well?
All this advice is okay for some distant relative but not for the mother of the bride, or groom.

Some parents really enjoy being involved, and their children want them involved. I can totally see her point.

 

[King Schultz]

They should just elope and avoid all the drama.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yesterday they officially set the day and put down a deposit on the venue.

Finances are definitely NOT a valid reason...
Even if finances are limited... you do what you can do.
To ask this impatiently waiting young couple to wait until 2018...
Wow.... just WOW...

Apparently the bride and groom set the day and they put down the deposit.
It would seem that the grooms mother is not being asked or expected to pay for any large portion of the costs. As, it was stated that they are not 'discussing' these things with here

TWO months between family events is definitely reasonable...
For a parent to tell a young couple, who are planning 'waiting', to wait for a year, because it is the other siblings 'year'.

There simply is no justification for her drama and efforts to control.

If there is anything that really gets me, it is when people try to use a little bit of money to exert control other peoples personal lives, where they have absolutely no business doing so.

OP, again, it sounds like your DD has found a keeper!!!!!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I think people get married and everything is ME ME ME. They forget that in all actuality they are hosting a party for their guests. IMO putting your guests in a tough spot isn't being a good host.

Let's be real. Close family or the mother of the groom isn't going to be ok not attending the showers or not taking a gift to the wedding. That's ridiculous.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

They should just elope and avoid all the drama.

First wedding was at city hall. If I'm ever crazy enough to get married again I will elope. Vegas? Disney? Who knows.

 

[piccolopat]

In one month, I got married along with our best friends and a relative. In the first four months of another year we welcomed our DD (5 days after I started maternity leave), christened her, brought her to two bridal showers and my two brothers' weddings. Some people get worked up over events like these. For them, two weddings two months apart are a problem. For others like us, we are fine as long as it isn't two weddings in the same weekend. This couple should do what is right for them and everyone else can do the same.

 

[Disney Doll]

A wedding invitation is an invitation. Not a summons.

If people can't come to the 2nd wedding, then they can't come.

 

[kaytieeldr]

They are already waiting 15 months to get married, so clearly they're not in a hurry despite living apart during the engagement. I don't think it was insane for the mother-in-law to suggest that they wait another couple of months provide more space between such major family events. - moving from Nov 2017 to 2018 could be as little as 2-3 more months. If they don't want to it's their choice, but I think it's a request worth considering seriously, for their own benefit.

But she's quite likely not meaning two or three months. She probably means holding off for a year. Just the feeling I get.

A few posters have mentioned showers. Each guest should only be invited to one shower, and if invited to more, is not obligated to give a gift. Yes, I know, the future MIL will be invited to (at least) one for each wedding. No reason not to make contributing to wedding costs as the shower gift.

 

[Christine]

I don't think one couple should have to wait a whole year just to give another the spotlight (and waiting two or three months would not be a reasonable compromise where I am because the weather would be a big factor then).

They don't have to wait a whole year though. They already aren't having the wedding until November 2017. That's, what, 15 months away from now. They'd likely need to just push it out a few months to give the family some "breathing room."