End of the Year Teacher Gift - Room Mom rampage

[ShannonMB]

If they choose not to participate, fine with me but i also do not include their child's name on the card.

I don't know, I think this attitude is what I don't like about the whole all-week-long gifts/luncheons, etc. If a parent (for whatever reason) does not contribute, then the child is likely made to feel left out. I'm not saying a little kid should get recognition for something their parents couldn't or wouldn't participate in, I am saying the whole big teacher appreciation blow-out is over the top and shouldn't be done at all if some of the kids are going to be excluded. THAT's why I'm GLAD our PTA doesn't feel the need to do it.

I always thought I was being a good mom by attending PT conferences, paying my part for the class school supplies, giving Christmas, end of school, and post-Disney trip gifts to the teacher, attending game night and the ice cream social, purchasing food from Market Days, buying books at the book fairs. Our PTA meetings are also at times I can't attend, but I figure those are for people who have a lot more time on their hands than I do. And I don't really need a voice or to SPEAK UP, because if something comes down the pike that I can't or don't want to participate in, then I simply don't. Shame that in one of those cases my DD's name will be left off the card. Hopefully the teacher won't hold it against her!

 

[Shellydm]

Wow, reading the posts about the pressure on room moms makes me sad.

I remember when I was little my mom was a room mother and I was so proud on the party days when my mom walked into the classroom. I told everyone, "that's my mom". It was so exciting to have my mom there and meet my friends and see my classroom and have a party with us.

I always thought I'll be a room mom one day.

My daugher is in preschool this year, but next year will be in Kindergarten. I was looking forward to the little parties and being a room mom.

I really am sadly rethinking it now. I did not realize all the politics that went along with being an official room mom. I didn't realize you had to send letters and ask for money and so on. I am a quiet, shy mom and would not feel comfortable at all having to ask for money or have so much money or gifts a year, and I had to be the messenger. Yikes.

I think back when my mom was the room mom, the teacher just sent home a little note saying there was a party and what we needed like napkins, drinks, chips etc and if a parent wanted to they signed up. That list was given to the room mother and she took it from there.

I didn't realize it was like a full time job with all that responsibility and having to beg for money. It makes me very uncomfortable.

I would be happy to donate whatever wasn't signed up for , to a party once or twice a year. Just to show up and be a part of my child's happy party memories. I do remember my mom would help to assemble goody bags at home, we loved to help. Or do little decorations and stuff, but she was never responsible to be the messenger of what was needed for a party etc.

I think parents take it better from a teacher than a room mom whom they don't know, asking for things and money. I think if its a basic party like when we were a kid, the teach should be able to send home a little note saying if you would like to send in something for the valentine's day party we need, napkins, plates, cookies, chips etc. That is much less threatening to a parent than a demand from the poor room moms who are made to make the goal the PTO set for them. And the poor room moms have to be the messenger of this news.

I could be way off, but for me, the thoughts of a room mom for me was always exciting and pleasant to think of doing one day. I pictured doing crafts or decorations to get the party ready, some even prepared at my home beforehand. Then going to the classroom and helping the teacher set out the snacks, drinks, help the children with the games, crafts etc. Its sad its so political now in terms of PTO setting "goals" and the room moms having to be responsible for that.

Its sad, but I really am now having second thoughts about being a room mom now when my daughter is old enough to need one. I just can't imagine having to be the one that all her parents hate seeing a note from or a call from, while I ask for money.

Did that make any sense?
Shelly

 

[luvmy3]

Shelly, don't get discouraged its not as bad as it sounds. There is usually a hierarcy of room moms, so you don't have to be the head room mom, you can just be there to volunteer your time, and help (and $ ) and most of all be there to make the same memories with your kids as you had with your mom

 

[penn19]

Boy do I miss the days when I was in school and parents left the school activities to the teachers. Most of the moms back then were stay-at-home moms, but I don't remember having a room mother, or my mother being involved in PTA, or fundraisers, or teacher appreciation week. I remember my mother sent in a very small gift for the teacher during the holidays, and I had to give it to her discreetly so as not to hurt the feelings of any of the kids who didn't bring something. We didn't have class gifts or teachers' breakfasts or any of that other stuff. Am I the only one??

I truly appreciate the teachers in my kids' lives, but I feel like all of this has gotten WAY out of hand. And sadly I don't even think it's the teachers that are perpetuating it.

I will get flamed for this I am sure, but I really agree with you! I used to volunteer for my kids. Have been room mom etc...but I stepped down in the middle of the year this year because our lead was like a room mom Nazi. Very demanding, and wanted to know WHEN you sent your request letters out (and ONLY approved request letters, no composing your own) and WHO you got to volunteer, and HOW you were coming along with whatever activity was going on. Of course this was also the same mom who thought it was ok to ask the parents on the team that her husband coached, for money for the end of season coaches gift! but thats another story.....
I couldn't take it anymore. The mom's at our school (and not all I am sure, but the majority it seems) have WAY too much time on their hands, and they volunteer to make sure their kids get the pick of the teachers, while the rest of us don't get to request. ANd they have no problem telling you that they go the teacher they requested......
Counting down...2 more years and I am done with elementary school......

 

[skw444]

Our teacher appreciation week is very structured, and the intent is that one teacher doesn't get huge displays while another gets very little. Right or wrong, the intent is that each teacher will be recognized and no one will feel bad at the end of the week. I don't love the structure, but I get the point.

This is our school too. I don't pressure the parents because I know that there are some that just can't afford it. So, I end up doing most of it myself.

 

[tinkermom23]

Boy do I miss the days when I was in school and parents left the school activities to the teachers. Most of the moms back then were stay-at-home moms, but I don't remember having a room mother, or my mother being involved in PTA, or fundraisers, or teacher appreciation week. I remember my mother sent in a very small gift for the teacher during the holidays, and I had to give it to her discreetly so as not to hurt the feelings of any of the kids who didn't bring something. We didn't have class gifts or teachers' breakfasts or any of that other stuff. Am I the only one??

I truly appreciate the teachers in my kids' lives, but I feel like all of this has gotten WAY out of hand. And sadly I don't even think it's the teachers that are perpetuating it.

I'm totally with you!!

I really appreciate DS10 teacher this year and have told them so. We give them gift cards for Christmas, that's it. we don't have Room Moms, actually we don't even have a PTA. We have a school board. I know parents need to be involved in their child's education but I think sometimes we need to step back and let the Teachers teach without all this other business. Just my opinion.

 

[soccerchick]

A room mom here! We actually just had our "Staff Appreciation Day" today and I'm just going to say that I'm shocked by many of the responses.

At my kids' school, as room parents, we are told what to do by the PTA. We aren't choosing activities or trying to "one up" anyone. We are giving our time, many, many, many hours I might add, to create parties and activities for all of the children to enjoy. Honoring our teachers and staff is one of them. If a parent selects not to participate it is still on our shoulders to ensure that WE provide the flowers, notes, food items, etc, for every child to give to the teacher regardless of their parents' decision not to pay or donate. While you may find it a burden to send in a picture of your child, I'm just curious how you think the photographs get placed in the memory book or where the memory book came from, who paid for it or the supplies to make it? It's the room parent. We are not given the option to "opt out". While it might be a parent's decision not to donate a food item for a party it still needs to be provided. I have never had a parent say that their child won't be participating in the party or "please don't have them sign the gift card". They absolutely would blow a gasket if their child wasn't allowed to participate or sign their name even though they, as parents, chose "not to participate". Just something to think about when you decide not to participate, volunteer your time, or make a donation.

The truth? I really genuinely like to be a room parent. I love planning parties and working in the classroom. I adore seeing the kids' faces light up with joy when they hand their teacher a token of appreciation (a note, a flower, the memory book) and I don't for one second begrudge the time and money that I put into being a room parent. Tone is hard to convey over the internet and I'm not scolding or chastising anyone. I am simply more than a little shocked by the responses here and genuinely curious how some of the pp's think the classroom activities are organized, because they don't just magically appear. How can anyone think that a room parent is doing anything wrong by sending emails and reminders? She (or he) is volunteering their time and financial resources to help your child and the school staff. I guess I'm having a lot of trouble understanding the thought process going on here.

Again, not to be harsh, but what teacher needs 30 years of scrapbooks? Again, just because the powers that be have decided to do this doesn't mean that I did. Sure, do somthing, but why so many pain in the tookas things? I volunteer in my kids' classrooms and chaperone those FTs too. You know what you sign up for when you agree to be room mom.

If you are indeed shocked by the responses and see some of your school in here, perhaps some room moms should print out a few of these pages and share w/PTSO presidents. I see people who play along but still think it is too much.

As is the case in the OPs post, delivery is everything.

 

[OceanAnnie]

We have all had good and bad experiences working side by side for the same cause.

Some room moms are on a power trip. I mean all out power trip. They will send out the e-mails to sign up for specific things and then when they get your reply, disregard your input and put you down for whatever they want. When asked about it, no apology or anything. Just the same expectation. That isn't such a great experience. Why did I bother to sign up for something specific? Some will not take no for an answer! I told the person why, my commitment hasn't changed. Ugh. Some will make an announcement at an event that they are not there to help, but to watch and mingle and that's what they will do! Delegate everything at all times and "do" nothing! So it's not all roses trying to support someone that is in it for what "seems" to be the status.

Experiences run the gamut. We don't always know why people do or don't do certain things. Most of the times I try to give the benefit of the doubt with the exception of the extremes. We all get a snapshot and form a perspective from that. Most of the times I think things even out.

 

[FredS]

OP, here.

I have been humbled. I didn't realize this was a PTA thing as oppossed to a room mom thing. Therefore I have elected to participate. I even signed up to bring the teacher lunch that week. Thanks for all the responses and letting me rant. Still think this is overkill, but I don't want my son nor his teacher to feel left out.

I, for one, appreciate you coming back and posting. It often is very hard to be a room parent. You have so many parents who don't participate, and they conveniently blame it on the room mom. Too many notices, not enough notices, too far in advance, not enough time. Room moms usually operate within guidelines of the local school, so aren't the ones to decide the number or scale of events for which parents are asked to participate, they are just the go-between and coordinator, the one expected to make it happen. You put in a lot of hours and money (because often the powers that be assume that most parents will contribute, but that is rarely the case) because you want the children and the teacher to have nice events.

I have also had a couple of room parents who were nazis by not allowing what little joint parental choice might be allowed in the system, but even then I was tolerant because I do know what an overall hard, thankless job it is. People want to criticize to justify their lack of participation, but they should just man up and say they don't want to spend the time or money and not insult someone who is actually trying to help the classroom.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I, for one, appreciate you coming back and posting. It often is very hard to be a room parent. You have so many parents who don't participate, and they conveniently blame it on the room mom. Too many notices, not enough notices, too far in advance, not enough time. Room moms usually operate within guidelines of the local school, so aren't the ones to decide the number or scale of events for which parents are asked to participate, they are just the go-between and coordinator, the one expected to make it happen. You put in a lot of hours and money (because often the powers that be assume that most parents will contribute, but that is rarely the case) because you want the children and the teacher to have nice events.

I have also had a couple of room parents who were nazis by not allowing what little joint parental choice might be allowed in the system, but even then I was tolerant because I do know what an overall hard, thankless job it is. People want to criticize to justify their lack of participation, but they should just man up and say they don't want to spend the time or money and not insult someone who is actually trying to help the classroom.

I'm tolerant too. But I'm not blind.

Fortunately, there have been more nice hardworking room moms that I have worked with, and I try to be their right hand person. They know I will be there when I can, in whatever capacity.

 

[ShannonMB]

and they volunteer to make sure their kids get the pick of the teachers, while the rest of us don't get to request. ANd they have no problem telling you that they go the teacher they requested......

I do also know moms who are so up in it at school that they decide who the "best" teacher is for the next grade and make sure they pressure whoever they need to to see that their Susie or Johnny gets that teacher. Then talk about it ad nauseum. Since the day will never come that I am that mom, I have taught DD that in life you take the good with the bad, and it'll just be another year till you get a different teacher. Same as real life! Actually, if I WERE one of those moms, I probably would have *picked* a different teacher this year for DD based on his strict reputation and some of the kids not liking him. Turns out, he's been DD's best teacher yet! Some of the parenting practices of our generation either crack me up or make my eyes roll.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

I have taught DD that in life you take the good with the bad, and it'll just be another year till you get a different teacher. Same as real life!

I've never requested a teacher for my kids, and some years have been great and some just OK. One of my DD's had a mean student teacher once, and we used it as a lesson that you won't always like your teacher, boss, coach, etc., but you have to figure a way to give your best and make the best of it. She managed to survive the experience.

 

[angwill]

In our schools the PTO people were the ones who put together a luncheon and small gift for all the teachers from their students. We never would have asked parents for money. We looked at it this way: the kids did a fund raiser to raise funds for the PTO and most parents buy the stuff from the magazine that has about a 50% profit for the PTO and that is donation enough. The kids and parents work hard to raise those funds so the money is used from there to give to the teachers from the kids.

OP If you would like to see things change you could join PTA and discuss this issue and see if something else would work better. One thing that was different in our school was that there were no room mothers.

 

[taximomfor4]

Boy do I miss the days when I was in school and parents left the school activities to the teachers. Most of the moms back then were stay-at-home moms, but I don't remember having a room mother, or my mother being involved in PTA, or fundraisers, or teacher appreciation week. I remember my mother sent in a very small gift for the teacher during the holidays, and I had to give it to her discreetly so as not to hurt the feelings of any of the kids who didn't bring something. We didn't have class gifts or teachers' breakfasts or any of that other stuff. Am I the only one??

I truly appreciate the teachers in my kids' lives, but I feel like all of this has gotten WAY out of hand. And sadly I don't even think it's the teachers that are perpetuating it.

That is how my kids' school is, thank goodness. We opt out of many things in life...or as we prefer to put it, we don't do things just because everyone else is, aka to fit in, aka to not feel left out. Honestly, if our school did teacher appreciation the way it's set up in the OP, we probably would opt out.

 

[angwill]

I do also know moms who are so up in it at school that they decide who the "best" teacher is for the next grade and make sure they pressure whoever they need to to see that their Susie or Johnny gets that teacher. Then talk about it ad nauseum. Since the day will never come that I am that mom, I have taught DD that in life you take the good with the bad, and it'll just be another year till you get a different teacher. Same as real life! Actually, if I WERE one of those moms, I probably would have *picked* a different teacher this year for DD based on his strict reputation and some of the kids not liking him. Turns out, he's been DD's best teacher yet! Some of the parenting practices of our generation either crack me up or make my eyes roll.

Our school has an unwriten rule that if you help out at the school PTO and what not you can pick your child's teacher no pressure needed. The principal was at all our meetings and was a very friendly guy. Though I was on PTO I never bothered to pick my son's teacher but I got along with all he teachers anyway.

I agree with you take the good with the bad. However, the other side of that is that in college you get to choose the teacher of your choice and if there is one you don't get along with or you hear from others isn't good you pick another teacher or drop the class. Also in jobs if you don't like your boss etc you have the choice to get another job. Children have very few choices till they become adults so it is the parents responsibility to make the best choice for their child. If it is allowed and not frowned on I don't see the harm in picking the teacher you feel your child will learn the most from.

 

[ShannonMB]

Our school has an unwriten rule that if you help out at the school PTO and what not you can pick your child's teacher no pressure needed. The principal was at all our meetings and was a very friendly guy. Though I was on PTO I never bothered to pick my son's teacher but I got along with all he teachers anyway.

I agree with you take the good with the bad. However, the other side of that is that in college you get to choose the teacher of your choice and if there is one you don't get along with or you hear from others isn't good you pick another teacher or drop the class. Also in jobs if you don't like your boss etc you have the choice to get another job. Children have very few choices till they become adults so it is the parents responsibility to make the best choice for their child. If it is allowed and not frowned on I don't see the harm in picking the teacher you feel your child will learn the most from.

Sorry if this is getting a little OT, OP! I'm not usually so active on threads like this. And really, as far as the original topic, I usually just send in whatever they say. But I do resent it at times, especially because I feel for the kids who are left out. I do have the resources to usually give what is expected, but I just don't see why some over-zealous PTAs feel the need to put parents in this position. I actually don't really even feel THAT strongly on the subject, but I guess your thread is the most interesting to me today, and I have a day off, most of the chores are done , and DD is busy with friends this afternoon.

To reply, angwill, I do think it's kinda unfair that kids whose parents have the time or will to be in the PTA (PTO, etc) get their choice of teacher. I guess if I joined the PTA I could be scoping out all the competition and figuring out which teacher would be the best *fit* for us, etc. I have no interest in doing that. I don't think it serves the kid. The college I went to was a well-thought-of private nursing college, and whoever the peds instructor was, that was who you got. Whoever taught pathophysiology the semester you needed it was who you got. I work in a level 3 NICU at the Children's Hospital here, and if I wanted to work in that high-acuity critical care environment AT the Children's hospital, then I had to work under the nurse manager at the time who was sort of a crazy person. Sure I could have gone to a different college or got a different job, but I got a great education and LOVE my job, all because I'm capable of dealing with all different types of authority, taking the good with the bad. I don't want my DD thinking that if she doesn't like her college profs she should change majors/schools, or if she doesn't like her boss she can just go out and get another job. Not always so easy in this economy! Not flaming you, angwill, just have a different opinion, and that's okay.

 

[LadySiren]

I'm a little perturbed by the idea that if a parent and/or child chooses not to participate - or can't due to financial reasons - in a given Teacher Appreciation activity, then their name gets left off the card.

Okay, I can maybe understand not including the names of those who don't donate or take part, but I pity the poor kid whose name gets left off. What if their parent couldn't afford to or wasn't available to participate that week? You never know what someone's home life is like...what if the family had just had an emergency of some sort (i.e. - a car breaks down, a medical emergency, etc.) and didn't have the time or money to "donate"? The poor child, who likely didn't get a say in the matter, gets singled out as a result?

Eeesh, I wouldn't want my child to be in a classroom situation where that happens and you bet yer sweet patoot that I'd be complaining to the principal. Again, I understand the concept of not including someone who didn't participate / donate...when it relates to adults. But applying that to a child who may or may not have a say in the matter? Nope, not kosher IMO.

Sorry, not trying to start an argument or a flame war here. It's just my opinion that that could end up being painful for an innocent child.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

To reply, angwill, I do think it's kinda unfair that kids whose parents have the time or will to be in the PTA (PTO, etc) get their choice of teacher. I guess if I joined the PTA I could be scoping out all the competition and figuring out which teacher would be the best *fit* for us, etc. I have no interest in doing that. I don't think it serves the kid.

I think it all comes down to trust in your principal, anyway. If there is a particular learning issue, I think the principal should be made aware. Every child learns differently. But I trust our principal to know my child and make the best teacher decision. I know my child best, but all I know of the teachers are what so-and-so says their children thought of that teacher. Unless one of my kids has had the teacher, I'm not so inclined to assume that teacher is the best fit - I think that is the principal's job. My kids go to a fairly small, school, though, and the principal knows everyone well midway through the school year.

I'm a little perturbed by the idea that if a parent and/or child chooses not to participate - or can't due to financial reasons - in a given Teacher Appreciation activity, then their name gets left off the card.

This has come up in our school before. I would never leave a child's name off a card from the class, whether the parents don't have the resources or they just choose not to participate. It's not fair to the kids. But several room moms I have known have been determined to have cards signed only by the kids whose parents contributed. I see their point if only five kids contribute and it might look bad to say it is a gift from the class, but then maybe a class gift is not the best idea for that particular group of parents and kids.

 

[angwill]

Sorry if this is getting a little OT, OP! I'm not usually so active on threads like this. And really, as far as the original topic, I usually just send in whatever they say. But I do resent it at times, especially because I feel for the kids who are left out. I do have the resources to usually give what is expected, but I just don't see why some over-zealous PTAs feel the need to put parents in this position. I actually don't really even feel THAT strongly on the subject, but I guess your thread is the most interesting to me today, and I have a day off, most of the chores are done , and DD is busy with friends this afternoon.

To reply, angwill, I do think it's kinda unfair that kids whose parents have the time or will to be in the PTA (PTO, etc) get their choice of teacher. I guess if I joined the PTA I could be scoping out all the competition and figuring out which teacher would be the best *fit* for us, etc. I have no interest in doing that. I don't think it serves the kid. The college I went to was a well-thought-of private nursing college, and whoever the peds instructor was, that was who you got. Whoever taught pathophysiology the semester you needed it was who you got. I work in a level 3 NICU at the Children's Hospital here, and if I wanted to work in that high-acuity critical care environment AT the Children's hospital, then I had to work under the nurse manager at the time who was sort of a crazy person. Sure I could have gone to a different college or got a different job, but I got a great education and LOVE my job, all because I'm capable of dealing with all different types of authority, taking the good with the bad. I don't want my DD thinking that if she doesn't like her college profs she should change majors/schools, or if she doesn't like her boss she can just go out and get another job. Not always so easy in this economy! Not flaming you, angwill, just have a different opinion, and that's okay.

Never felt it was a flam just different opinions on a similar topic. Nothing wrong with that.

I have never quit a job due to a bad boss either but used it as an example of the choices we have as an adult that we don't as a child. However I wouldn;t be opposed to looking elsewhere for work, if possible, if my boss was a crazy person who stressed me out 8 or more hours a day.

With kids a teacher is usually only 9 months though so not impossible to deal with and I get the lesson in teaching them to deal with adversity and it making them stronger for it. I have however picked more than one teacher in college based on how they taught and one because everyone loved her. I was lucky and had the choice. What I am saying is given the choice I see no harm in it. I do completely understand where you are coming from and agree that children should be taught not to quit just because they don't like something or someone.

I can understand your feelings in it being unfair that you don't have the time to be on PTO and therefore would not get the choice of teachers. In our schools it was not an issue because it was not frowned upon for any parent to put in their choice of teacher. The principal once said he would rather everyone be happy than deal with the issues later. He would never let a teacher know if they were requested or not either.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm a little perturbed by the idea that if a parent and/or child chooses not to participate - or can't due to financial reasons - in a given Teacher Appreciation activity, then their name gets left off the card.

Okay, I can maybe understand not including the names of those who don't donate or take part, but I pity the poor kid whose name gets left off. What if their parent couldn't afford to or wasn't available to participate that week? You never know what someone's home life is like...what if the family had just had an emergency of some sort (i.e. - a car breaks down, a medical emergency, etc.) and didn't have the time or money to "donate"? The poor child, who likely didn't get a say in the matter, gets singled out as a result?

Eeesh, I wouldn't want my child to be in a classroom situation where that happens and you bet yer sweet patoot that I'd be complaining to the principal. Again, I understand the concept of not including someone who didn't participate / donate...when it relates to adults. But applying that to a child who may or may not have a say in the matter? Nope, not kosher IMO.

Sorry, not trying to start an argument or a flame war here. It's just my opinion that that could end up being painful for an innocent child.

As a class mom, I'd never leave off a name (we actually just put "your class"). However, if a child's name was left off, do you really think the child will know? I'm sure the teacher won't even notice. Most class mom's I know would never give a partial list of names, though.

At are school, most know it's pretty much a given to donate $5 twice a year, and most are happy to do this. The PTO has decided it much be a set amount, because in the past, some got so much more than others.