Email from a friend

[kt_mom]

I just got a disturbing email from my best friend from highschool/college. We keep in touch but don't see eachother often because we live so far apart now.

We are planning a reunion of sorts in August with our other college roomate. So my friend emails me today and wants to know am I still okay with trying to do it in August and with them coming to my house. ( I live in the town she and I grew up in and we all went to college in.)

Anyway, I said yes of course that would be great. She then told me that she had been talking to another friend of ours from college and he would maybe be interested in coming too. Which is great, I had talked to him on facebook awhile back and he had mentioned that he and his wife had planned to come back to this area to visit at some point and he would get in touch when they did. His wife didn't go to school with us but lived here with him for a year after they got married. She said she thought it sounded like he might come alone.

None of that is the disturbing part though. The part that bothers me is that my friend said he had contacted her a couple months back when he was going to be in a town about an hour from her and they met up for drinks.(He travels extensivly for work.) She then mentioned that he has called her a few times since.

Now, we were all good friends in college and he stayed at our apartment more nights then he stayed on campus. They had a heavy flirtation but it never turned into anything that I'm aware of.

I asked her if his wife knew and she said probably not but that he talked about her a lot. She also said that maybe if we all got together in August that she could catch a ride with him since he lives 3 or 4 hours north of her.

I plan to call her at some point and talk to her about this. I've lived through being cheated on and I don't wish that on anyone. I know how angry she was during my situation and I know her pretty well, and don't think she would ever get involved with a married man. And not that I think that's what is happening/happened. But, I wonder if she knows how inappropriate the situation is if the wife doesn't know. I won't pretend to know much about his marriage, but I do know that "most" wives would be uncomfortable with this. I'm also painfully aware of how quickly and easily something that seems innocent can turn into something really bad. I just didn't want to discuss with her via email.

I don't know what I'm really looking for here. I think I just wanted to get it out of my system.

 

[kirbsam]

go with your gut. good luck. no other advice needed. although i am sure you will get some.

 

[mamacatnv]

I honestly don't see what the issue is. They are friends. If your friend thought it was some sort of issue she probably would not have mentioned it.

IMO if you call your friend to give her a bit of advice you do so without that advice being asked for and you run the risk of her being offended, hurt etc. that you would think she would somehow go down an inappropriate path.

 

[Pakey]

I don't see the issue either. I think that because you have been betrayed, you are projecting your experience into this situation.

My husband couldn't care less if I hung around an old friend, whether male or female. I feel the same way.

 

[kt_mom]

I honestly don't see what the issue is. They are friends. If your friend thought it was some sort of issue she probably would not have mentioned it.

IMO if you call your friend to give her a bit of advice you do so without that advice being asked for and you run the risk of her being offended, hurt etc. that you would think she would somehow go down an inappropriate path.

This is part of the reason I didn't want to email her about it. I don't want to come across the wrong way. But I do think the relationship is borderline inappropriate at best from what she told me in the email when you take into account the wife does not know that he met her for drinks and/or their history.

If he's planning to come to meet up with us in August I'm okay with that. But only if his wife knows, especially if they plan to make the 9 hour drive together. Of course my DH will be with us too, so it wouldn't be just him and the girls.

Its hard to explain my friends personality but she's an extremely confident, opinionated person and sometimes doesn't see the big picture when it comes to her own actions. If it was my DH and someone else doing this and I told her about it she would be very upset about it. But I can see where in her mind since there's nothing actually going on it should be okay. When in reality his wife might have a completely different opinion on that.

 

[kt_mom]

I don't see the issue either. I think that because you have been betrayed, you are projecting your experience into this situation.

My husband couldn't care less if I hung around an old friend, whether male or female. I feel the same way.

Even if it was someone you had a fling with in college and you kept the meeting a secret?

I guess I've just watched too many people fall into these traps not realizing its a slippery slope and seen marriages destroyed.

Like I said, if his wife is aware of all this then I have no problems. But if he needs to keep it a secret then there is a problem with that.

 

[Allison]

Did she say he needs to keep it a secret?

 

[kt_mom]

Did she say he needs to keep it a secret?

I asked if his wife knew they had met up for drinks and that he had called her a few times and she said she didn't think so. So maybe its not outright "keeping it a secret" but its sort of like a lie of ommision in my opinion. I think having drinks with an old fling is something you share with your spouse if its no big deal. Unless you know your spouse would be unhappy about it.

ETA: in college when she would come visit he never brought her to meet us and stated that she didn't know he hung out at our house all time. But our senior year when they were married I met her on several different occasions for group projects at his house and am friends with both of them on Facebook. My friend was no longer attending our college at that point.

 

[Allison]

I asked if his wife knew they had met up for drinks and that he had called her a few times and she said she didn't think so. So maybe its not outright "keeping it a secret" but its sort of like a lie of ommision in my opinion. I think having drinks with an old fling is something you share with your spouse if its no big deal. Unless you know your spouse would be unhappy about it.

I'm talking about the trip in August.

Your first post said nothing had happened between them so I wouldn't call it an old fling.

I think you are projecting your experience onto this situation and making too much of it at this point.

There is really nothing for you to get in the middle of.

 

[kt_mom]

I'm talking about the trip in August.

Your first post said nothing had happened between them so I wouldn't call it an old fling.

I think you are projecting your experience onto this situation and making too much of it at this point.

There is really nothing for you to get in the middle of.

I don't know. And that's what I want to ask her when I talk to her. I don't care if he comes to visit and would love to see him. But I don't want to be part of some secret trip that his wife doesn't know about. Especially since they would be coming to my house.

Maybe I worded the OP wrong then. The two of them never had an official relationship. Probably because it turned out he had a long time girlfriend. But everyone knew there was something between them even if nothing came of it. And we all knew she had a big thing for him. As for whether or not she ever "hooked up" with him, of that I'm not sure.

 

[mamacatnv]

If he's planning to come to meet up with us in August I'm okay with that. But only if his wife knows, especially if they plan to make the 9 hour drive together. Of course my DH will be with us too, so it wouldn't be just him and the girls.

None of your business

Like I said, if his wife is aware of all this then I have no problems. But if he needs to keep it a secret then there is a problem with that.

In your book, but you are not him.

I asked if his wife knew they had met up for drinks and that he had called her a few times and she said she didn't think so. So maybe its not outright "keeping it a secret" but its sort of like a lie of ommision in my opinion. I think having drinks with an old fling is something you share with your spouse if its no big deal. Unless you know your spouse would be unhappy about it.

Again, none of your business

I don't know. And that's what I want to ask her when I talk to her. I don't care if he comes to visit and would love to see him. But I don't want to be part of some secret trip that his wife doesn't know about. Especially since they would be coming to my house.

Maybe I worded the OP wrong then. The two of them never had an official relationship. Probably because it turned out he had a long time girlfriend. But everyone knew there was something between them even if nothing came of it. And we all knew she had a big thing for him. As for whether or not she ever "hooked up" with him, of that I'm not sure.

You are entitled to not play a role but you are assuming a lot. We have gone from meeting for a drink to a secret trip

Who cares what "everyone" knew that was 10-15 years ago in college! Your friend is in her mid 30's. She is an adult and is capable of handling herself.

I think you need to step back.

You are going to put conditions on who can attend a reunion event based on what that person decides to tell their spouse? This screams of high school behavior IMO. His spouse, his issue to deal with, honestly, none of your business.

 

[kt_mom]

None of your business
In your book, but you are not him.
Again, none of your business
You are entitled to not play a role but you are assuming a lot. We have gone from meeting for a drink to a secret trip

Who cares what "everyone" knew that was 10-15 years ago in college! Your friend is in her mid 30's. She is an adult and is capable of handling herself.

I think you need to step back.

You are going to put conditions on who can attend a reunion event based on what that person decides to tell their spouse? This screams of high school behavior IMO. His spouse, his issue to deal with, honestly, none of your business.

I think it is my business if they are coming to my house. I have the right to say I don't want to be any part of that, go meet up somewhere else.

I realize that I do see things through the glasses of someone that has been cheated on. And I do take a hard stance on stuff that in any way resembles an inappropriate relationship. I've watched way too many people slide down this slippery slope with what they at first felt was an innocent relationship. And I have no desire to be in any way a part of anything that resembles such behavior. Most people that know me know that, my friend included.

And you're right, its his marriage and his wife. But its my house. He's welcome to join us, but not if his wife doesn't know where he's going. I would find it at the very least odd for a spouse to go to a reunion with three girls from college 9 hours away and not mention it to his spouse. And as someone that travels constantly for work its not far fetched that it would be possible for him to go and her not know.

For all I know his wife will be on board with him going and know all about it. But I won't know if I don't ask.

 

[RadioNate]

Op - I'm with you. Slippery slope. But I've been cheated on too.

The fact is, this is how these things start. As long as you arent accusing your friend of anything, I don't think there is anything wrong with just talking to her about it.

Since she is a close friend & understands your situation I don't think there is a problem. You just want to make sure that she isn't walking into a potentially disasterous situation.

 

[disneychic2]

I'm with you, OP. Every affair that has happened had a jumping off place. An innocent beginning. Why play with fire? is my thought.

 

[mamacatnv]

How is it the OP's business?

I guess I trust my spouse and my friends and they do the same with me. Personally, I would be annoyed if one of my friends placed conditions on my attendance at something.

OP what do you want, a note from his wife? I mean really, that is how this reads.

I'm all for fidelity, trust etc. but you cannot mandate what others do.

I guess I just find it weird, controlling and horribly immature

 

[kt_mom]

How is it the OP's business?

I guess I trust my spouse and my friends and they do the same with me. Personally, I would be annoyed if one of my friends placed conditions on my attendance at something.

OP what do you want, a note from his wife? I mean really, that is how this reads.

I'm all for fidelity, trust etc. but you cannot mandate what others do.

I guess I just find it weird, controlling and horribly immature

I never said anything about a note from his wife. All I said is I don't want to be part of some secret meet up and since its at my house I think I have a right to ask if he's using this trip to have some kind of secret meet up with my friend. If thats the case they need to plan it somewhere else. He's coming 9 hours to visit three girls from college. Yes my DH will be there, but I wouldn't say that they were ever friends, just knew each other. I can't control what they do, and I have no desire to do so. They just need to do it somewhere else.

I'm sorry that you find this "horribly immature". I find your comment horribly rude but I wasn't going to say so.

 

[Scurvy]

I never said anything about a note from his wife. All I said is I don't want to be part of some secret meet up and since its at my house I think I have a right to ask if he's using this trip to have some kind of secret meet up with my friend. If thats the case they need to plan it somewhere else. He's coming 9 hours to visit three girls from college. Yes my DH will be there, but I wouldn't say that they were ever friends, just knew each other. I can't control what they do, and I have no desire to do so. They just need to do it somewhere else.

I'm sorry that you find this "horribly immature". I find your comment horribly rude but I wasn't going to say so.

I don't think I understand what you want out of this situation. Do you want your friend to assure you that this guy's wife knows they are friends? Do you want him to assure you of that? Are you actually going to tell them you suspect they are either having an affair or that they are going to have one?!

Personally, I think either you trust your friend and you believe she's a good person who wouldn't have an affair or you don't. If you do, then you don't need to interogate her about her friendship with this guy. If you don't, then why would you want her in your home with or without the guy?

I think cheaters are scum. I'd never knowingly associate with one, and I can understand others feeling that way. But I also understand that some people have close, completely platonic friendships with those of the opposite sex. If a "friend" of mine tried to imply that I was going to have an affair with a male friend then they wouldn't have to worry about me bringing that friend to their home in the future because I would be so offended that I would never darken their door again. I don't see any way you can find out what you apparently want to know without forever damaging your friendship with this woman.

 

[Disney845]

Not sure how close you and this older best friend are. I could easily just come right out and ask my BF if something was going on (in fact from past experience, she would probably just offer the info up to me). But if that is not the relationship you guys have, then it is inappropriate, imo, to ask her what her intentions are, or to even suggest that she and this male friend are doing something shady (it could seriously mean the end of your friendship whether you are right or wrong).

However, since you are hosting this reunion party, you are clearly free to invite whoever you want. You said you are friends with both he and wife on FB and that he has previously said he and wife might be coming to visit. Why not just message them both mentioning the time frame you and the other girls are getting together and asking if he and his wife are still planning to come to your area if they would like to hang out at your house for this little reunion?

I see nothing wrong in making sure the wife knows that the invitation includes her and always has (as you stated the husband and wife already mentioned coming together in an earlier conversation with you). Other than that, I personally think you need to stay out of your male and female friends business, and if they do or do not have anything going on elsewhere it isn't your place to either scold them or inform the wife of your suspicions.

 

[mamacatnv]

I never said anything about a note from his wife.

But you are adament that his wife is made aware, how do you intend to know that she had given her permission for her DH to attend your event?

If he's planning to come to meet up with us in August I'm okay with that. But only if his wife knows,

I think it is my business if they are coming to my house. I have the right to say I don't want to be any part of that, go meet up somewhere else.

And you're right, its his marriage and his wife. But its my house. He's welcome to join us, but not if his wife doesn't know where he's going. IFor all I know his wife will be on board with him going and know all about it. But I won't know if I don't ask.

How is it you intend to make sure that his wife knows?
How is it your business to make sure the wife knows what her husband is doing?

I get you don't condone them having some sort of sordid affair on your back deck but there is nothing here that says that is going on at all, you have taken some giant leaps.
Everything here is either conjecture, assumption or what if's.

We are talking about 2 fully grown adults who lead their own lives, right?

 

[DaParkers]

I'm surprised at all the naive people in here. It is a very slippery slope. You should not be having drinks with someone of the opposite sex without your spouse knowing. And if the friend gets annoyed by the OP's concern, then she is the immature one. Everyone that cheats don't go out looking to cheat and are not all bad people. Sometimes, it "just happens". Old friends that haven't kept in touch are more inclined to cheat with each other because they "think" that they know each other. They remember all the good things from the past and are usually unaware of current issues, especially if things are bad at home. If you can help someone, you help. If she was drunk, would you stop her from driving? Or would you "mind your business" because she might get mad?