Elementary school cliques

[teacups]

Part One: I have to say that parenting is so hard on the heart. Watching my daughter deal with the newly blossoming "mean stuff" in school is heartbreaking. All the kids used to be buddies... now the ever hurtful CLIQUES are starting. These are 8 year olds. How sad! I dont want them to act differently than who they really are just to fit in, which I think I see other parents doing. BUT at the same time, I want their hearts to be happy.

Part two: Maybe I should have made this a whole new topic, but wonder if someone will connect the two. ::sigh:: My wonderful girl is so innocent and sweet. She likes animals, plays with stuffed animals, writes stories... the other girls are changing. Painting nails. Talking about boys. iPods. Worrying about clothes. I think "why push them to grow up?" But if the others are doing that, where will that leave her?? One example: last year she was invited to a party. The invitation said to "wear your HOTTEST SEXIEST outfit" . Ummm, hello! SHE DOESNT HAVE ANY SEXY OUTFITS! And why would a mother hold such a party in the first place? Really... Im NOT a prude at all... but compared to that I feel like one!

 

[MushyMushy]

My DD is going through the same thing -- she's in the 5th grade. I hate how schools are so full of their "no bully" policies and talks, but when push comes to shove, they really don't know how to deal with it.

 

[pittypat]

"Sexiest outfit" for EIGHT YEAR OLDS!! That makes me sick. To the OP- stay firm!! I taught elementary school for several years and I can tell you that the little girls who started the nail painting/sexy clothes/boy crazy thing in early elementary school, were (many of them) big time trouble by the time they turned 16. My 18 year old son told me once that I was the strictest mom he knew. I wear the title proudly!

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Wow are they really starting that young with that stuff these days? I remember in 5th grade hanging around a bunch of girls on the playground who were discussing the different middle school cliques and which one each girl would fit into. I remember being totally confused because I didn't know what the word 'clique' meant at the time.

Tell your DD to hang tough..it won't get easier as she gets older but there will be more girls like her who just aren't into makeup/dressing up/boys for her to hang with.

TOV

 

[CEDmom]

If you're in NJ we should plan a play date because my 2nd grade DD sounds just like your DD. She was even invited to a similar type party - she didn't go (I didn't think a LandsEnd dress and mary janes would cut it ). She likes pretty clothes but does not go along with the crowd. Like you I've tried to get her interested in things other girls her age enjoy and she's just not interested.

If you DD is happy with who she is and what she likes all you really can do is support her.

One thing her teacher does to prevent cliques in the classroom is rearrange desks once a month. All the kids in my DD's class are friends and really nice to one another I think in part because of this and the other classroom rules.

 

[Hannathy]

I feel for you I truly do! It started in Kindergarten at my DD's school. And guess what the same girls are still snots in High School. My DD had a miserable time till 3rd grade when she was able to go to the charter school for highly gifted kids and lo and behold there were other girls there that didn't care what they wore or what you played with! She loved it and made some very close friends who are still friends now. They still don't care what clothes they wear or what music you like etc. They care about your thoughts and activities which are the very uncool orchestra, scouts, church, girls choir etc. It made them very strong confident kids by being out of the norm and great kids but it sucks when your 7 yr old is crying because she has the wrong shoes or wants an American girl Doll for Christmas and not an mp3 player, and they won't let her "play" with them on the playground. And your right the schools for all their talk do nothing and they know who it is. Help your daughter know there are others out there like her and hopefully she can find some friends who aren't into those other things, it still hurts for her and you though. Don't worry about the invitations those will stop soon, another wonderful thing the cliques do! I wish I had an answer but I don't just empathy.

 

[hydster]

to you and to your dd! I know how you feel! It's so hard to watch your kids get hurt by people who are or have been close friends! I wish I could tell you it gets easier but for the most part it doesn't. My dd is almost 14 and it still breaks my heart with her friends and their issues. My dd isn't a complete angel but she really doesn't have a mean bone in her body so trying to "toughen" her up was really hard and sad!

I would suggest however that you get the book Odd Girl Out and read it along with Queen Bees and wannabees. Both excellent books to read and have your dd read them when it's an appropriate time for her.

As for the party....my dd is 13 and no way in he** would I allow her to go to a party dressed in her sexiest hottest outfit. She doesn't own one because I don't believe in letting them dress sexy hot when I buy the clothes but at 8 that is just over the top IMHO. Good for you though not trying to grow her up too soon. Trust me.....it happens fast enough.

I hope everything works out for you and her though! I KNOW how mean girls can be. Heck look at how mean women can be.

 

[mickeyboat]

I worry about this happening, too. My girls are in first grade, and they typically play with different people every week. Emily plays more with the boys than the girls. I am sure it will start happening, soon - thank goodness they have one another.

BTW - my 7 year old likes to dress "sexier" than I would like. I definitely do not promote or emulate that type of dressing, we don't have Bratz dolls, they typically watch Curious George and Higglytown Heroes instead of the teen/"tween" shows on tv these days. But she wants to wear half shirts and high heels to school. I compromise with pink cowboy boots and sweaters with fur collars. But I predict many clothing battles in our future.

Denae

 

[budbeerlady]

I worry about this happening, too. My girls are in first grade, and they typically play with different people every week. Emily plays more with the boys than the girls. I am sure it will start happening, soon - thank goodness they have one another.

BTW - my 7 year old likes to dress "sexier" than I would like. I definitely do not promote or emulate that type of dressing, we don't have Bratz dolls, they typically watch Curious George and Higglytown Heroes instead of the teen/"tween" shows on tv these days. But she wants to wear half shirts and high heels to school. I compromise with pink cowboy boots and sweaters with fur collars. But I predict many clothing battles in our future.

Denae

Sounds like my first grader! She love to be "fancy Nancy" and the only girl in a group of boys. She loves leopard print and sparkles. But I am amazed at how early the child realizes what it takes to hang with the "it group" of first grade. She wasnt allowed to go to cheer camp with these other little girls and now they "cheer" at recess , so she is back running with the two 2nd grade boys that are still her friends from last year. (We had plans that Sat and now I am a bit glad we were busy when I hear all about it from DD.)

I wish I could put her in a bubble and protect her forever! She drums to her own beat and I hope she does forever!

 

[czycropper]

I have two DDs, one in 1st and the other in 3rd and yep, I'm starting to get that as well with my 3rd grader- I just tell her you have plenty of time for all that when you're older. I refuse to dress her in these belly shirts and up until this week, when she got 4 gift certificates to Justice for her birthday, I still dressed her from Gymboree & LL Bean.

I get mad when one of her "best friends" is such a snot that won't talk to her on the playground because she's talking to her friends from her class and then starts crying when my DD won't talk to her at Gym because she's interacting with her classmates! Then she really got all huffy when she found out that my DD was chosen by the 3rd grade classmates (4 classes) to be the speaker at their 3rd grade concert - I just told my DD you'll have to deal with this type of attitude all your life but it's unfortunate that it's had to happen so early!

 

[teacups]

Thanks for all the great replies! That's what I needed to hear... people on my team! (Hey! I guess you never outgrow it, huh?) I say those of us like-minded parents better stick together. We actually bought a horse to give her a focus instead of boys last year when this started to get obvious. Way more expensive than a Bratts doll and a day at the spa... but I think our investment will have a better payoff in the end. 4-H and county fairs are in my future! Besides... you can get a good helmet to protect their heads... how do you protect their hearts, and their dignity, and their self respect not to mention their "other" things. Thank you to you all!

 

[Aidensmom]

There are really parties like that for 8 year old girls? What are the parents thinking?

I think its a shame that kids think they have to grow up so fast, when I was 8 even the "cool" girls still played Barbies and the fanciest gadgets they owned were transistor radios.

My son is only 5 and in kindergarten, and there are already things that he tries to hide from his friends. At home he is almost never without one of his stuffed animals, he even takes one in the car with him everywhere we go including school, but when he gets near school, the stuffed animal gets hidden so his friends don't see he is holding it. He is very concerned about only "liking" what others like, or at least only admitting to liking something if others agree.

I don't think you are any kind of prude for wanting your child to remain a child. I try to always reassure my child he is a wonderful person, and if someone doesn't like what he likes, that it doesn't matter, we don't all have to be alike. I wasn't a popular child and wasn't part of a clique, and I do realize it is hard, and don't want my child to struggle, but on the other hand I want him to grow up to be a strong individual with a good sense of self and capable of independent thinking. It is hard sometimes as a parent to know exactly what do do.

 

[budbeerlady]

Thanks for all the great replies! That's what I needed to hear... people on my team! (Hey! I guess you never outgrow it, huh?) I say those of us like-minded parents better stick together. We actually bought a horse to give her a focus instead of boys last year when this started to get obvious. Way more expensive than a Bratts doll and a day at the spa... but I think our investment will have a better payoff in the end. 4-H and county fairs are in my future! Besides... you can get a good helmet to protect their heads... how do you protect their hearts, and their dignity, and their self respect not to mention their "other" things. Thank you to you all!

4-H is a great place! DD started this fall, she is a little clover leaf, there are 3 others so I hope they all stick with it. They seem like good little girls! (I am a little less excited about fair week if she shows animals when she gets older.)

We laughed (or tried to) when in K-school last year DD showed us a pic of her best friend at school Daniel. He is a year older and the only boy at school who wore cowboy boots all the time according to her. The two are thick as thieves, she was trying to get him to join her 4-H. She kept asking me to give her the phone number to give it to him. But it can be alot easier to be friends with boys, little girls (and big girls) can be wicked!

 

[Becky2005]

But it can be alot easier to be friends with boys, little girls (and big girls) can be wicked!

Even in Middle School. My DD made that comment just recently because another boy name popped up I hadn't heard before so I had to ask if that was another one of her "friends that are boys" (HAS to be worded that way since she has no boyfriend! ). We got talking & I told her I tended to hang out with the boys too in school. Yes, I had my best friend but she was in a different town & I had friends that hung with at school but not real close friends. I tended to hang out with the guys. DD responded to me with "Guys are so much easier to be friends with because they don't care so much about things" I think she was implying fashion/make-up (since we live in an area with expensive stores that all the girls seem to shop at!) but I'm not real sure!

Plus, even in grade school I remember the girls just had a harder time getting the concept of you CAN have more than 1 friend. Just because you were friends with A doesn't mean you can't be friends with B too even at the same time! I had to deal with the tears from DD so many times with her best friend would be mean to her because "I'm not your friend" that day due to hanging out with another girl, then the following day they were friends again. That particular best friend moved away & I let it die a natural death because of other issues (that now DD is older sees things that happened clearer too).

I can name more guy friends my DD has at her school than I can girl friends.

Hang in there! Although, I *NEVER* got an invitation for DD with having something sexy to wear at 8 years old! We were still doing Princess parties and things like that around here.

By the way my 12 year old still loves CareBears (shhh!!!! ) she just doesn't let people at school know it.

 

[kdm31091]

When I was in elem. school the cliques were basically boys vs girls.

 

[korbbec]

I think you should really look into getting her into activities outside of school where she can make *good* friends with similar interests. That will help her feel stronger in school, where she is not in the it crowd. She will know she is worthy of friends and will still have things to do and people to play with. It might even make her more popular at school, without her having to change. If left to find her own direction, she may end up with the troublemakers who feel they can manipulate her.

 

[freckles and boo]

My older daughter is in first grade. Even though they have a wonderful behavior program in place at her school, I worry about the day that she will come home hurt by something someone has said. My goal is to be sure that she knows the world is a much bigger place than her school and our community. We hope that by traveling, trying new things, and talking about other places and possibilities both our girls will be able to not worry so much about what the cool kids think. And if they turn out to be the cool kids, I hope that they learn to be compassionate and kind. As for Hot and Sexy... that is out of the question!!!!

 

[nicolemomof4cuties]

Holy CRAP! Hot & Sexy my Foot! I would have called that little girls momm up and asked her what exactly her thinking was.

 

[AprilShowers]

I sure hope you didn't let her attend the "wear your sexiest outfit" party!
There is no bleepin way my kid would be attending a party with that kind of invitation. What kind of a mother.........

Your daughter sounds perfectly normal and sweet. I blame so much of this on the parents wanting their daughter to be the coolest, prettiest, smartest. They give in to their little darlings every little demand. These women are creating little monsters and they are completely clueless! Stick to your guns, you are raising a wonderful little lady.

There's a good book out there called "Queen Bees and WannaBees". It's about this very thing. I haven't read it yet, but I've heard it's a really good book.

 

[teacups]

I just ordered both books from the library, and actually there was a third so I grabbed it, too! Btw... I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT let her attend that party.
Thanks all!