Dying loved ones

[Cruisin]

If one of your loved ones was in the hospital or at home, not expected to live much longer, would you prefer to spend that time quietly alone with them or would you want the company of extended family and friends?

Edited to add: The patient is basically comatose, or very heavily medicated. She is sleeping a lot and only wakes briefly at times.

I don't know if this would make a difference in your poll choice.

 

[bigtinkfun]

It sounds like you are facing a very tough time in the days ahead, and my heart goes out to you.

My suggestion is this: be guided by the wishes of the person who is embarking on the journey home. If that person is unable to express his or her wishes, do what you think the person would want.

May you and yours be at peace and feel love in the days to come.

 

[Hollyann]

I agree with bigtinkfun - it would depend on the person's wishes.

 

[Pin Wizard]

It sounds like you are facing a very tough time in the days ahead, and my heart goes out to you.

My suggestion is this: be guided by the wishes of the person who is embarking on the journey home. If that person is unable to express his or her wishes, do what you think the person would want.

May you and yours be at peace and feel love in the days to come.

 

[Cinders Mum]

it has to be the loved one's choice not mine. When my mum was in her final days, she was at home, and she appreciated having the oppotunity to see extended family and friends.... then at the very end it was the immediate family, our minister, (my parents were churchgoers). I believe this is exactly how she wanted it to be, she was not one to be amiguous with her feelings.

 

[Cruisin]

Thank you for your replies.

I appreciate your responses.

I have edited my opening post to add a bit more information.

 

[Liberty Belle]

We were with my grandmother as she passed. My husband, two sons (one only a month old), mother, step-father, and uncle were there. It was so incredibly sad, but absolutely beautiful. I'm very thankful I was able to be there.

I think more people would have made it less comfortable for us.

 

[powellrj]

In our case, we had no choice because we couldn't get ANY family or friends to show up.

We knew the end was near with my DFIL and NOBODY would come to visit. His brother, son, church, grandchildren. At the end it was my family. My parents and my kids were the only ones there at the end. It was so bad we couldn't even get the paid professionals to show. My oldest DS who is an EMT had to call the death when hospice and the funeral home wouldn't come. It took the coroners office 6 hours to show up once we finally got ANYONE to show up.

We needed help at the end and nobody would come at all. We begged people to come and at least say good-bye.

Heck, they all waited until 12 hours before the funeral to make an appearance. We had all the planning and preparations to take care of PLUS our DS was getting married that saturday so we had wedding plans to finish.

Their behavior at the funeral was appalling. They cried and sobbed and all but threw themselves across the casket. I am the bad guy because I have no plans to ever speak to any of them again. Oh, they did make regular calls once DFIL had died to check on the estate. I have to say I LOVE caller-id. I just let the machine pick up their calls and let DH handle them.


The church was another story. He had been a regular attending member for over 30 years and gave a large sum of money to a church that couldn't even be bothered to send anyone over to pray with him.

I hope that the person who is near the end gets what they need. I have to say, it was a real eye opener for me. I had no idea people could be so callus.

 

[Liberty Belle]

If one of your loved ones was in the hospital or at home, not expected to live much longer, would you prefer to spend that time quietly alone with them or would you want the company of extended family and friends?

Edited to add: The patient is basically comatose, or very heavily medicated. She is sleeping a lot and only wakes briefly at times.

I don't know if this would make a difference in your poll choice.

That's how my grandmother was at the end. She didn't open her eyes, but at times we knew she was hearing us and knew we were there. When we put her finger in my newborn son's hand and he gripped it, she raised her eyebrows high as if she were trying to open her eyes, but just couldn't. She was on a high dosage of morphine and in case you're wondering what it was like when she passed, her breathing kept slowing down until she just didn't take another breath. It was very peaceful.

 

[NMAmy]

As others have said, it would depend on what the person who is dying wants. If that person is unaware of what is going on--then it's up to the person who is closest to them.

For example, when my dad was dying, he didn't want anyone there but immediate family. He'd had a stroke and he didn't want any extended family members seeing him like that. Extended family did come to visit my mother--taking her out to eat, etc, but didn't really visit much with my dad. At the very end, he didn't know what was going on but we respected his wishes.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[claudia]

I agree with bigtinkfun - it would depend on the person's wishes.

another person who agrees.......my grandmother was very, very social, so I told all her friends they were welcome anytime.....my dad, who was a bit more reserved, we decided on only the immediate family.

 

[Cruisin]

In our case, we had no choice because we couldn't get ANY family or friends to show up.

We knew the end was near with my DFIL and NOBODY would come to visit. His brother, son, church, grandchildren. At the end it was my family. My parents and my kids were the only ones there at the end. It was so bad we couldn't even get the paid professionals to show. My oldest DS who is an EMT had to call the death when hospice and the funeral home wouldn't come. It took the coroners office 6 hours to show up once we finally got ANYONE to show up.

We needed help at the end and nobody would come at all. We begged people to come and at least say good-bye.

Heck, they all waited until 12 hours before the funeral to make an appearance. We had all the planning and preparations to take care of PLUS our DS was getting married that saturday so we had wedding plans to finish.

Their behavior at the funeral was appalling. They cried and sobbed and all but threw themselves across the casket. I am the bad guy because I have no plans to ever speak to any of them again. Oh, they did make regular calls once DFIL had died to check on the estate. I have to say I LOVE caller-id. I just let the machine pick up their calls and let DH handle them.


The church was another story. He had been a regular attending member for over 30 years and gave a large sum of money to a church that couldn't even be bothered to send anyone over to pray with him.

I hope that the person who is near the end gets what they need. I have to say, it was a real eye opener for me. I had no idea people could be so callus.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sad experience.

This person that prompted me to ask the poll, is an EX sil (sort of, long story).

We all still treat her like one of the family but I haven't seen a lot of her in the past few years.

We did spend Christmas together this year and it was wonderful to see her and she was doing well.

She comes from a large extended family and my brother and my two nephews are also sitting there with her.

She just turned 48 on Jan 2

So she is definitely NOT alone in this.

I was just wondering what other people felt comfortable with at a time like this.

 

[MyManGoofy!]

I think I would have a hard time denying someone else their chance to say their goodbyes unless I knew with absolute certainty that my dying loved one did not want them there.

 

[mommytotwo]

I am very sorry to hear of your situation Robin. We recently had a family member pass after being sick for a long time.

I would let any friends, and family members who are not as close to her come to visit her for the last time to pay their respects, say their last thoughts, and if they wish to stay around, have some refreshments for them. As for the immediate family members, I would have them stay at her bedside to comfort her, and be there for her.

 

[antmaril]

I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer in July. He was in the hospital under Hospice care. During the last two weeks before he died, he had many visitors - his former band members, my sister, our best friends, the pastor of the church, etc. Of course, his mother and brother visited every day, as well as our son. I was there 24/7 for 26 days. On the day he passed, his mother and brother had been there most of the day. They left about 7:00 p.m. Our son had a class and he arrived at the hospital about 6:30 p.m. I sent him to the cafeteria around 7:30 to get something to eat. My husband died at 7:50 p.m. while I held his hand. Even though he had been heavily sedated for several days and was really comatose, I think he knew exactly what he was doing. It was just him and me. The saddest day of my life so far.

I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time.

 

[rie'smom]

When my BIL was very ill, he didn't want company except for his parents and brothers and sisters. I repsected that but went to the hospital to sit with my inlaws and to run errands or whatever else they needed for me to do.

 

[Cruisin]

Even though he had been heavily sedated for several days and was really comatose, I think he knew exactly what he was doing. It was just him and me. The saddest day of my life so far.

That does seem to happen an awful lot doesn't it.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband

 

[Cruisin]

It's interesting that the poll results are staying pretty much equal between the options.

 

[browneyes106]

It's good to spend alone time with immediate family but extended family and friends should be given time because they will be hurting.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

It obviously depends on what the person would have wanted, but as a preference I like just the immediate family there. When my mother passed, we had known that she would be gone soon so she was able to have visitors before she was at the point where she in and out of consciousnes. The day she actually passed, my siblings, my dad, and my grandparents were there. But, the moment she passed, she was alone with my father in the room. She was at my Grandparents house and Hospice (God bless them) helped throughout.

Now, my Uncle on the other hand was in the hospital. His wife was there as well as her 5 sisters and 1 brother, about 5 nieces and nephews, and a friend. It was crowded and akward. Nobody knew what to say or how to act and it was a very long death as he was fighting it. Not what I wanted my last memory of him to be...