Dying and end of life quality.

[bettymae1121]

I think that's the fear the loved ones have...that they are giving up too soon and if they give it another day or week or month, the loved one will turn the corner and bounce back. People don't wan to live with the thought that if they just tried X, it would have made the difference.

I already shared the story about my mom, but I have another story. My DH's father had a massive brain anorisim when he was in his mid 40's. By the time he got to the hospital there wasn't anything they could do. He was on life support for a few days, and the doctors told MIL that the damage was too great, there wasn't anything they could do and that they recommended taking him off life support. This was long before living wills, health care directives, DNR's etc. were common. She prayed on it (she's very religious) and asked the doctors to do a few tests, to make sure he really wasn't "there" anymore. About a week after he was admitted to the hospital, she gave permision to take him off life support. She just needed that time to process everything that happened and be sure in her own mind that the doctors were right. If she hadn't taken that week I think she would have always had that doubt/guilt that she gave up too soon. Instead, she's been able to make peace with the choice she made.

 

[Lanshark]

I have not read any of the responses but my thoughts are from watching my Mother die a very long, agonizing death from progressive MS in 1975. I have experienced people very close to me dying from congestive heart failure, pancreatic cancer and cancer of the brain.

We all have one thing in common. We live and we die. There needs to be medical professionals with the expertise to support people who are dying and allow them to die without pain and with some semblance of dignity. I also firmly believe that people should be able to die on their own terms once there is no hope for any quality of life. I've dealt with Hospice and they seem to be the bridge between the medical community and a dying person and their family. Many doctors I've encountered, not all, were of no help.

As a society, we need to accept the fact that death is inevitable. The medical community should councel itself as to how to handle patients/families where there is no hope for a cure. I know the fear of lawsuits factors into most decisions surrounding medicine.

We need to allow those, with the faculities to do so, to make their own decisions as to whether they want to continue fighting or whether they have had enough.

 

[eliza61]

I have not read any of the responses but my thoughts are from watching my Mother die a very long, agonizing death from progressive MS in 1975. I have experienced people very close to me dying from congestive heart failure, pancreatic cancer and cancer of the brain.

We all have one thing in common. We live and we die. There needs to be medical professionals with the expertise to support people who are dying and allow them to die without pain and with some semblance of dignity. I also firmly believe that people should be able to die on their own terms once there is no hope for any quality of life. I've dealt with Hospice and they seem to be the bridge between the medical community and a dying person and their family. Many doctors I've encountered, not all, were of no help.

As a society, we need to accept the fact that death is inevitable. The medical community should councel itself as to how to handle patients/families where there is no hope for a cure. I know the fear of lawsuits factors into most decisions surrounding medicine.

We need to allow those, with the faculities to do so, to make their own decisions as to whether they want to continue fighting or whether they have had enough.

It's interesting that most of us feel this way and according to the piece so does most of America, yet every time some one brings up the issue of Euthansia and hospice care, we get fear tatics.
Why is that?

How many times have a few states tried to follow Oregon lead and all we hear is nonsense about doctors killing the elderly and the infirmed or pulling the plug on grandma?

 

[Nancyg56]

A few hours after the IV was turned off, DBIL walked in and looked at DH. He said "He may actually pull through this." Even with all the clinical experience and knowledge that DBIL had, his closeness to DH prevented him from seeing the truth. DH was dying.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I can understand how your DBIL had selective hearing and selective vision. When my Dad was dying i was not able to hear what the Dr's were saying. They would come and discuss his health and my sisters would hear how very sick he was. I would hear that he was getting better. I just was not ready to accept that he was going to die so I heard what I needed to hear even though the Dr was telling me something entirely different.

 

[lsyorke]

My DH is home on hospice now. He is 61 years old and was diagnosed with gastric cancer 3 weeks ago. There were no options for treatment available. Once we had the pathology he was home in a hour, on hospice and back in his own bed. He is a diabetic since age 11, so he has beat the odds his whole life...but not this time.
The bottom line is that we had discussed end of life care for decades and it was my responsibility to make sure that his wishes were carried out. It is my honor to be the one to allow him to die with dignity in the environment that he chose, so long ago. Being home gave him the opportunity to contact those that he wanted to, to see those that he wanted to see, and to have pain well controlled.

It's been 3 weeks since we got the diagnosis and he is quietly slipping away and I am here to make that passing the peaceful process that it was always meant to be.

As a nurse for 26 years I have seen it all and I'm grateful for being able to understand that this is just another part of life. I pray for his passing so that he can dance with the angels on two legs.

 

[Darsa]

My DH is home on hospice now. He is 61 years old and was diagnosed with gastric cancer 3 weeks ago. There were no options for treatment available. Once we had the pathology he was home in a hour, on hospice and back in his own bed. He is a diabetic since age 11, so he has beat the odds his whole life...but not this time.
The bottom line is that we had discussed end of life care for decades and it was my responsibility to make sure that his wishes were carried out. It is my honor to be the one to allow him to die with dignity in the environment that he chose, so long ago. Being home gave him the opportunity to contact those that he wanted to, to see those that he wanted to see, and to have pain well controlled.

It's been 3 weeks since we got the diagnosis and he is quietly slipping away and I am here to make that passing the peaceful process that it was always meant to be.

As a nurse for 26 years I have seen it all and I'm grateful for being able to understand that this is just another part of life. I pray for his passing so that he can dance with the angels on two legs.

You are an amazing lady. to you and your DH.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My DH is home on hospice now. He is 61 years old and was diagnosed with gastric cancer 3 weeks ago. There were no options for treatment available. Once we had the pathology he was home in a hour, on hospice and back in his own bed. He is a diabetic since age 11, so he has beat the odds his whole life...but not this time.
The bottom line is that we had discussed end of life care for decades and it was my responsibility to make sure that his wishes were carried out. It is my honor to be the one to allow him to die with dignity in the environment that he chose, so long ago. Being home gave him the opportunity to contact those that he wanted to, to see those that he wanted to see, and to have pain well controlled.

It's been 3 weeks since we got the diagnosis and he is quietly slipping away and I am here to make that passing the peaceful process that it was always meant to be.

As a nurse for 26 years I have seen it all and I'm grateful for being able to understand that this is just another part of life. I pray for his passing so that he can dance with the angels on two legs.

Oh my. I'm so sorry to hear this.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

I don't know, I'm really torn over the whole thing.

MIL had a DNR if resuscitation would not improve the quality of life. Well how do we know that if we don't resuscitate you? DH disobeyed that order and gave us 4 extra years with her.

In Nov 2005 MIL was in the hospital with C-diff and ileus, and a whole other slew of medical issues. She died, twice. The Dr's brought her back and they transferred her to rehab, figuring she wouldn't make it through the night. The hospital said there was nothing else they could do for her so the released her, at 10pm they loaded her up in an ambulance and transferred her to the rehab facility (no hospice care). The rehab facility didn't want to take her because they figured she would be dead by morning, but DH convinced them to do it.
She moved back home into her apartment in early 2006. A nurse came to check her vitals twice a week and she had a home companion do her shopping and do light house work but other then that she lived on her own and got around for the most part until Thanksgiving 2008. She moved back into the same rehab facility after a bout of pneumonia and ended up staying there.
She lived until January 2009 when she had a major stroke that thankfully took her very quickly.

If it weren't for the fact that DH disobeyed her DNR, she never would have seen her Granddaughter be born (which was one thing that she had always wanted).

 

[C.Ann]

My DH is home on hospice now. He is 61 years old and was diagnosed with gastric cancer 3 weeks ago. There were no options for treatment available. Once we had the pathology he was home in a hour, on hospice and back in his own bed. He is a diabetic since age 11, so he has beat the odds his whole life...but not this time.
The bottom line is that we had discussed end of life care for decades and it was my responsibility to make sure that his wishes were carried out. It is my honor to be the one to allow him to die with dignity in the environment that he chose, so long ago. Being home gave him the opportunity to contact those that he wanted to, to see those that he wanted to see, and to have pain well controlled.

It's been 3 weeks since we got the diagnosis and he is quietly slipping away and I am here to make that passing the peaceful process that it was always meant to be.

As a nurse for 26 years I have seen it all and I'm grateful for being able to understand that this is just another part of life. I pray for his passing so that he can dance with the angels on two legs.

I'm so very sorry..

I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers..

 

[antmaril]

My DH is home on hospice now. He is 61 years old and was diagnosed with gastric cancer 3 weeks ago. There were no options for treatment available. Once we had the pathology he was home in a hour, on hospice and back in his own bed. He is a diabetic since age 11, so he has beat the odds his whole life...but not this time.
The bottom line is that we had discussed end of life care for decades and it was my responsibility to make sure that his wishes were carried out. It is my honor to be the one to allow him to die with dignity in the environment that he chose, so long ago. Being home gave him the opportunity to contact those that he wanted to, to see those that he wanted to see, and to have pain well controlled.

It's been 3 weeks since we got the diagnosis and he is quietly slipping away and I am here to make that passing the peaceful process that it was always meant to be.

As a nurse for 26 years I have seen it all and I'm grateful for being able to understand that this is just another part of life. I pray for his passing so that he can dance with the angels on two legs.

I am so very, very sorry. I have walked in your shoes as I lost my 55 year old husband to pancreatic cancer two years ago. I have often said that it was my honor to help him through his journey. My husband spent the last month of his life in the hospital under Hospice care. We tried to get him home, but his condition just did not allow it. I stayed in the hospital with him for 26 days around the clock. There was time for family and friends to come and say goodbye. He was so very brave. He never asked "why me"? He would say "Why not me? Bad things happen to good people every day." Thank you for the vision of my husband dancing with the angels.

I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

 

[lustergirl]

my mother in law passed away in 2001. The whole family was at her side for 2 weeks straight while she lay in the hospital bed and refused to eat. We found out she has stomach cancer, a fact that I am sure she already knew but didnt tell anyone. We could do nothing as the doctors wanted to hold a family meeting to discuss putting a feeding tube in because she would not eat. They basically told us because she was still her faculties, being state of mind, there was nothing to do. We respected her wishes but it was very painful to see her just waste away.

 

[lsyorke]

I am so very, very sorry. I have walked in your shoes as I lost my 55 year old husband to pancreatic cancer two years ago. I have often said that it was my honor to help him through his journey. My husband spent the last month of his life in the hospital under Hospice care. We tried to get him home, but his condition just did not allow it. I stayed in the hospital with him for 26 days around the clock. There was time for family and friends to come and say goodbye. He was so very brave. He never asked "why me"? He would say "Why not me? Bad things happen to good people every day." Thank you for the vision of my husband dancing with the angels.

I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

Thank you. As difficult as it is, it's such a serene process just letting life play out in it's own time. I've seen so many situations that were far from serene, I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[Abbie]

You're absolutely right! This dribble about my father is totally irrelevant to the conversation here. My father, however, died 3 days ago and it gave me a bit of comfort to share some of his contributions after age 70. I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me?

I'm really sorry for the pain you are in. Your father did sound like a truly remarkable man and there was nothing irrelevant at all in your post. It gave a clear example of how much our older generation often has to offer!

 

[Judy from Boise]

and it sounds like you inherited a lot of his feistiness He would be proud.

 

[oybolshoi]

I fall firmly on the side of the patient and his / her wishes. I lost my only sibling to lung cancer when he was 37 years old ... I was 31 and he asked me to act as his proxy. He was divorced with two minor children and there was no way that either of our parents would make the decisions he wanted. And the ex was ... a flake.

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was to tell the ICU staff not to put him on a respirator and to do nothing else to prolong his "life" during the two days when his condition really began rapidly deteriorating. I never once doubted that it was the right thing to do but I have to admit that there are times when I still feel a sense of guilt over it all, which is completely irrational. Most of the time, however, I'm honored that he chose me as the person he felt he could most trust to act in his best interest.

In this situation, as hard as it is for every one of us who have either been through it or who are going through it, I believe with all my heart that the most precious gift you can give your loved one is to just let go.

 

[Darsa]

Not trying to derail this thread, but I just wanted to say a quick THANK YOU to those who have contributed to this thread. It has been amazingly therapeutic to read this and know that the process of my mother's illness/death was something that so many other people have experienced similarly. My heart feels lighter than it has since March. Thank you, again.

 

[cjlvsccm]

...

What would be your preference? could you respect a loved ones request to not medically prolong their life?

I have been through it twice. Our natural (or maybe societal?) preference was to fight against death, but the whole family agreed to abide by the stated and printed wishes of the family member. No one (that I know of) feels guilty, even though we still grieve.

Three years ago this week we lost my 78yo Mom to lung cancer. She had all the paperwork in order for years before, and we didn't have any doubt that's what she wanted. She never woke up from a "nap", and after two days of unconscious labored breathing, she just stopped.

Then just last Sept we lost my 52yo sister to brain cancer. She had been unable to stay alone for several years, but finally qualified for hospice care when it was clear to the docs that her neuro functions were failing. After 3 weeks of home care she became unresponsive, and for another 7 days pretty well followed the "path" outlined in the hospice booklet (which told us what might happen in the death process).

That included rousing up to full awake with clarity of mind, for about 6 hours. That was long enough to see and talk to everyone. But if we hadn't known that was a possibility, we would have thought that she "turned a corner" or was "out of the woods"... And would have been left devastated when she went out again without ever waking.

That booklet also helped us deal with the fact that she wasn't taking any food or water. Just part of the process of the body shutting down, and should not be forced. Very hard thing to accept, even though we weren't "withholding" it, she just wasn't conscious enough to swallow.

It's a hard thing for everyone, I would guess, to face that final question for ourselves or most cherished loved ones.