Dumb Guy Question for the Girls

[Taja]

Mousecop, you make a lot of sense. Whether in cyber space or real space! And it's greatly appreciated that you consider the feelings of others in your relationships.

Those of us who love Disney (i.e., everyone here!) frequently are considered aliens by our peers. Particularly those of us who are *ahem* a bit more mature--at least chronologically! If we can develop friendships based on a common interest, it's terrific. Deeper relationships are icing on the cake!

 

[Mousecop]

Thanks for all the support on this, gals and guys. It helps me set my own internal barometer for what is deemed appropriate around here. I'll still tippy-toe into this, because I don't want to have to throw myself off the board, but at least can feel a little more comfortable reaching out and taking the first step.

Maybe I can use a cheesy line from the old days: "Come here often?"

I hope to meet some of the advice-givers (of either gender) at the Baltimore DISmeet on 11 Oct.

 

[ttester9612]

Thanks for all the support on this, gals and guys. It helps me set my own internal barometer for what is deemed appropriate around here. I'll still tippy-toe into this, because I don't want to have to throw myself off the board, but at least can feel a little more comfortable reaching out and taking the first step.

Maybe I can use a cheesy line from the old days: "Come here often?"

I hope to meet some of the advice-givers (of either gender) at the Baltimore DISmeet on 11 Oct.

Hi Mark, long time no see...as a GAL over 50, you make perfect sense. I totally agree with Darcy and Angy's comments.

Now don't laugh (especially Angy...no laughing allowed). Char and Mel can vouch for me here. I've been out of the dating scene for so long, that I'm shy when it comes talking to a guy that I'm might be attracted to, then they mistake my shyness as not being interested in them. By the time I realize that, their dating or married to someone else. So I try to keep the conversations to Disney and other things, never telling them how I really feel. It hurts less that way.

So I have a question for the men...How does a GAL tell a GUY that their interested without being pushy? See it goes both ways. This will be a good discussion for the Dismeet in Baltimore on 11 Oct. Start writing your questions for the meet, at least we won't run out of conversation.

 

[acm563]

Hi Mark, long time no see...as a GAL over 50, you make perfect sense. I totally agree with Darcy and Angy's comments.

Now don't laugh (especially Angy...no laughing allowed). Char and Mel can vouch for me here. I've been out of the dating scene for so long, that I'm shy when it comes talking to a guy that I'm might be attracted to, then they mistake my shyness as not being interested in them. By the time I realize that, their dating or married to someone else. So I try to keep the conversations to Disney and other things, never telling them how I really feel. It hurts less that way.

So I have a question for the men...How does a GAL tell a GUY that their interested without being pushy? See it goes both ways. This will be a good discussion for the Dismeet in Baltimore on 11 Oct. Start writing your questions for the meet, at least we won't run out of conversation.

Teresa, I love you way too much to ever laugh AT you! and while I dont have a shy bone in my body I have the same "feelings" everyone else has, I just chose to hide them, sometimes behind the laughter.... My words have been twisted around repeatedly by ppl on various threads and one thing I have never said is that it isnt possible for people to find love on here...What I have said is that this isnt dismates where we are here as a site specific for dating. This is a site for people who love disney, and on various threads it is Singles Who Love Disney...although once you found your soul mate then are you still single...not sure how that works. I know how many awesome lifelong friendships I have made from this board, and I have seen the awesome sweetness of Cait and Bobs feelings for one another. I have a great deal of affection for Randy, he is a sweetie, we met on the boards..so yes it does exist and it CAN happen...I have been fortunate in everyone that I have developed an internet "friendship" with from this board has just been as awesome in real life as they were on the boards, the friendship chemistry was there, I have not been disappointed and actually each friendship has grown stronger with each day and I think that is awesome.... So yes, pixie dust and fairy magic does happen even on the disboards and I wish it for everyone if that is what they are looking for... Its NOT what I am looking to gain from the disboards, I have found what I was searching for...a group of fabulous people who share my love for Disney...
So, please never think I would laugh...it does happen..I dont laugh at any situation that involves peoples hearts...As Pope John Paul once said...There is no prison worse than a closed heart

 

[ttester9612]

So, please never think I would laugh...it does happen..I dont laugh at any situation that involves peoples hearts...As Pope John Paul once said...There is no prison worse than a closed heart

Actually I thought you would laugh at me saying "I'm SHY"....

 

[Mousecop]

So does this mean I can actually GIVE advice, instead of only GETTING it?

I'll tell you two ways that worked for me, and one that won't, one in circumstances eerily similar to meeting people on/through the DISboards.

The one that won't anymore is DISmates. It cratered (or, as the pilots say, 'augered in') and left an empty hole in the Internet.

Quite a few years ago, I was in a Parrothead club (for fans of Jimmy Buffett, as if you didn't know). I'd been active for a few years, going on highway-trash-pickups, Manatee fundraisers and so forth. One of the gals in the club had been there longer than I had. We'd had several engaging conversations, but I never discerned any interest - the conversations were way too general ("Change the oil in your car yet?" "Yes - you?" "Changed it last month.").

One day at a picnic one of the other members called me aside and said "You know, X is really interested in you and you should ask her out." Somewhat startled, I thanked him for the aside, and shortly afterward asked X out.

That was a fairly safe way for someone to convey the invitation it seemed. I could have done what I did, or I could have said "I'm not really interested" and that message would have gone back down the pipeline. I can't tell you if X would have been hurt if I declined, because I did ask her out and we went out for a few months. (This is, in fact, the relationship that went sideways and caused me to throw myself out of the Parrothead club, because it became too uncomfortable to be there when she was there.) However, it would also be a good approach to use in that it insulates both parties from dealing directly with refusal should that be the result. Either way, I found it flattering that she would start the process of seeing whether I was interested.

Another way that worked for me is when Y asked me to join her for coffee a couple of times. It started fairly innocently (we both were at Starbucks near work during what seemed an independent visit, and after I sat down she came over and asked if I wanted company - actually, she said "Mind if I share the table?", which was indirect.), and then when I went for coffee, she said "Mind if I join you?" After the third or fourth 'coincidence' I asked her out. We had an enjoyable relationship, but trod carefully because it was at work. Unfortunately, she accepted a transfer to another part of the country so we broke up.

I can only speak for myself (and, looking at the length of this post, seem to do that quite a lot ), but often I feel as dumb as a box of rocks when it comes to a gal expressing interest in me. You might ask 'why?', since I'm so outgoing. I've learned that it's because I can never tell whether it's just interest because we happen to be in the same place at the same time and conversing, or whether it's someone who wishes I would take the first step with her. Said another way, I realize that not every woman I talk with is going to be interested in exploring a relationship with me just because she is talking to me. I really never learned the skills to discern when there is a greater interest than that. As Teresa noted above (and most men won't admit), it hurts when you are rejected. So, unless I'm pretty positive I won't get rejected I don't try to advance it.

The other thing is that I verbally flirt and tease a lot. I think I picked that up from my Dad. I also use that skill to defuse tension. But, even though I may be flirting with someone in which I am interested (as opposed just exercising my sense of humor), I've never figured out a comfortable way to make the transition from flirting to, for example, a dinner invite. So there probably have been circumstances where I've overlooked opportunities for connection that were there, but not readily identifiable.

For men to identify and understand a woman's interest is a tough task. They don't teach this stuff. I know we've all heard that when a woman plays with her hair it is supposed to express interest. I've also heard when a woman makes eye contact and then turns away, its supposed to express interest. Does it? Heck if I know.

This leads me to believe that there are two general approaches men use. One is what I might call 'the law of averages' method. That would be asking every woman out that shows even a micron of interest. Eventually, because you approach so many, you make some successful contacts. Perhaps men like this want to make a successful contact, and THEN see if there is enough interest to continue it. This doesn't appeal to me, because it means I would have to get pretty hardened to being hurt, because I'd get hurt a lot. The other thing is that it would make me appear to be a Casanova or, in this case, a troll. I'd probably be successful, but I'd leave a heckuva trail in my wake.

The other approach is more selective. The men in this group (which includes me) approach women in whom they see romantic possibilities or some sort of attraction, be it sexual, emotional, intelligent or whatever floats their boat at that point in time (and that's true for me, too - sometimes I see what to me is a really beautiful woman and I have a sexual/physical attraction; other times, I hear a woman express something for which I have particular affinity and I have an 'intelligent' attraction - it varies with my state of mind). Then we figure out how to engage her in some fashion that allows it to be escalated. Sometimes that works (it can get escalated into a date), but probably more often it does not (no mutual attraction or interest). So these men move on. Sometimes, we even become inured or disenchanted.

Psychologists often write that men appreciate direct conversation, while women are more indirect. So, if you want to ask a man like me out, be direct. It's hard to do if that is not your style of communication, but it is what works. After all, men are stumbling around trying to figure out the sort of indirect communication that works with women. And if a man tells you it doesn't hurt that he's rejected, baloney. He just doesn't yet recognize or admit it.

With all the difference in communication styles, its a wonder that the genus **** sapien can propagate.

 

[acm563]

Wow....this has become an increasingly interesting thread and I think says a lot of things that a lot of people question on here and in real life in general. Let me preface what I am about to say with one disclaimer...I honestly am not on the disboards looking for a relatiionship, perhaps I have hardened myself, whatever...lol..but this is just not the avenue I would chose ...With that said I also want to say that I know I have attempted some matchmaking of some people that I thought would be great together because I DO believe in the magic of this thread for some people. In our particular group I have seen it happen for one couple and they are both true sweeties...(one is an angel, the other a pirate..lol)
In the general world of dating I think we each have our own personal preferences and that is why it would be so difficult to "write a manual" like I have teased Jerry to do. The approach that works for me may be seen as offensive to someone else . I am 45 years young and I for one am past the games. I am also very old fashioned in some ways and think it should be up to the guy to make the first move...With that said however there are exceptions to the rule and if I met someone(on line or in real life) I knew I was truly interested in and we didnt live a million miles away from each other
then yes I would probably make the first move if he didnt. I say if you are interested in someone you have been speaking with and you want to explore it then SAY SO!!!! With everything in life I ask myself what is the worst possible outcome and as far as relationships go the worst possible outcome is she says I am not interested but if the best possible outcome is that this is someone who could honestly be your happliy ever after then you should go for it because the best outweighs the worst. I think with internet dating tho you need to be realistic when it comes to the distance and if you cannot relocate and she cannot relocate then you are setting both of you up for a world of hurt and in that case I would just keep my feelings to myself. If you are sitting there waiting for "her" to make the first move and she is sitting there waiting for you to make that move then both of you are going to be disappointed. I think if you like someone dont be scared to say so...and go for it...Now if you are talking to someone and she has said to you repeatedly all I want to be is friends, then I think your commonsense should kick in and you should listen to that. People in general have a bad habit of reading into words something that was never intended just because they want something so badly they are willing to fool themselves, and we really shouldnt do that.
So for any of us, male or female..if you have been talking to someone online I think the first rule of thumb before you claim unending love, you should "meet" the person in real life whether thru a dismeet or you ask them to meet you for lunch or a cup of coffee and then you go from there just like you do in real life. People could save themselves a lot of public embarassment if they would meet someone before they tell the world they are in love with them....
So if you have interest dont let pride stand in your way, no matter who you are....Just go for it and may the ixiedust: work its magic for you. As in all things HONESTY is the best policy

 

[ttester9612]

I can see it now.....we're all single because both parties are to to ask the other party out.... All future dating will be done via cyberspace. It reminds me of an old Sea Quest show.

This is so funny....we have a bunch of Disney PPL who love to ride TOT and EE but are to death to ask someone out.



LORD Help Us!!!

 

[acm563]

I can see it now.....we're all single because both parties are to to ask the other party out.... All future dating will be done via cyberspace. It reminds me of an old Sea Quest show.

This is so funny....we have a bunch of Disney PPL who love to ride TOT and EE but are to death to ask someone out.



LORD Help Us!!!

Thats because broken bones heal easier than broken pride Dying on a ride is an acceptable risk ..hahah..while dying of embarassment is not

 

[Mousecop]

True Story:

In the 1970s, a group of men and women were tested to determine their reactions to fear. There's more to this than I recall, but one of the tests involved requiring the test subjects to choose to go through one of two doors. One was marked 'death,' the other marked 'unknown.' What do you suppose they choose?

They chose 'death.' This says a lot about how the unknown is more inherently scary than 'death' (which, by definition, is a 'known'). Even knowing that 'unknown' was not as bad as 'death,' the group overwhelmingly chose 'death.'

Reading Angy's lines above just reinforces for me how scary it can be asking someone out, because it is the 'unknown.'

So - in many respects - asking someone out, or making the first move, is all about conquering your fear of the unknown. Just like ToT - it was scary (in a different way) until we rode it once. Now? Not so bad.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

 

[rebecca06261]

So - in many respects - asking someone out, or making the first move, is all about conquering your fear of the unknown. Just like ToT - it was scary (in a different way) until we rode it once. Now? Not so bad.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Speak for yourself sweetheart, I still feel like I'm having a heart attack on that ride and scream bloody murder the entire time.

Coincidentally, I feel the exact same way about making a first move

 

[acm563]

True Story:

In the 1970s, a group of men and women were tested to determine their reactions to fear. There's more to this than I recall, but one of the tests involved requiring the test subjects to choose to go through one of two doors. One was marked 'death,' the other marked 'unknown.' What do you suppose they choose?

They chose 'death.' This says a lot about how the unknown is more inherently scary than 'death' (which, by definition, is a 'known'). Even knowing that 'unknown' was not as bad as 'death,' the group overwhelmingly chose 'death.'

Reading Angy's lines above just reinforces for me how scary it can be asking someone out, because it is the 'unknown.'

So - in many respects - asking someone out, or making the first move, is all about conquering your fear of the unknown. Just like ToT - it was scary (in a different way) until we rode it once. Now? Not so bad.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

HA!!! I was scared to death my first time on ToT but I was able to desensitize myself and it is my favorite ride in HS..
I was scared to death with my first date, the first time I made the first move, the first marriage and GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM EVEN MORE SCARED NOW OVER 30 YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so I guess my point is I choose death still...hahahahah

 

[MaryD73]

I met my husband on the Disboards. He approched me very politely and kept the conversation on topic (Disney) for awhile. The conversation naturally turned personal as time went on. (I am the skittish type so if he had been more forward I would have backed off.) I highly support the recommendation to be polite and friendly.

 

[Carrieannew]

I can see it now.....we're all single because both parties are to to ask the other party out.... All future dating will be done via cyberspace. It reminds me of an old Sea Quest show.

This is so funny....we have a bunch of Disney PPL who love to ride TOT and EE but are to death to ask someone out.



LORD Help Us!!!

Ok I was completely in Love with Jonathan Brandis... on sea quest...

Sorry Random off topic.. continue on peeps

 

[ttester9612]

I met my husband on the Disboards. He approched me very politely and kept the conversation on topic (Disney) for awhile. The conversation naturally turned personal as time went on. (I am the skittish type so if he had been more forward I would have backed off.) I highly support the recommendation to be polite and friendly.

Mary...that is so sweet....I agree it's best to keep the topic on Disney for awhile.. At least until you meet in person.

So - in many respects - asking someone out, or making the first move, is all about conquering your fear of the unknown. Just like ToT - it was scary (in a different way) until we rode it once. Now? Not so bad.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Umm....ToT or Death.....ToT or Death.......no decision needed, either way I die... But I did promise Angy I would ride ToT again if someone would hold me down so my butt don't leave the seat...that's the part that me.