DS21 wants to move out

[minkydog]

He's been living in our basement and we recently increased the rent to $400/month (1/5 of the total living expenses for our household.) Of course, he feels very put upon so he wants to move out. He brings home about $1200/month so I would like to see him keep his rent to about $500 or less (and even that would be pushing it, really). Most of what's available for that price is not going to be in nice neighborhoods. But I figure, DH & I survived being poor and he will too.

If he were a little more experienced I'd just encourage him to buy a condo. But I think he probably needs the experience of living in an apartment setting, taking care of his bills, cooking, etc. Plus, he wouldn't be held back by a mortgage should he decide to move to another city.

Arrrrgh! I want to support my son and not come off as a know-it-all, but I really want him to be safe. I'm trying to be careful not to pooh-pooh every idea.

 

[rentayenta]

I don't have teen/adult children yet but wanted to lend support.

 

[sha_lyn]

ITA..... a couple of weeks before his 18 birthday DS and I got itno a huge argument and he went to live with my mother (she had been bugging him to for weeks because she doesn't think he should have any chores if he is working, which BTW he had quit his job a few weks before, but I digress)

When he realized he had rules at her house too he moved into an apartment with 2 freinds. The place was a dump and has the complex has one of the highest crime rates in our area. DS was ready to move after only a couple of months but had a yr lease. His lease is up this month. We helped him move most of his stuff yesterday (which aparently pissed my mother off but I digress again). He is sharing a small house with a girl he works with and one of his apartment room mates. His share of the rent is about $150 more than what he pays now, but IMHO it is so worth it. It is in a nice neighborhood and I really like the new roomate. Met her boyfreind and her mother yesterday. I think it is a nice arrangement.

So all the earlier digressing had a point. Now my mother is talking about buying a run down house near DS old apartment complex so she can owner finace it for him. The last thing he needs is to live in that neighborhood again. My mother however insist that his old apartment complex was nice. However someone actually urinated in the elevator sometime yesterday while we were gone with one load to the house. There is often beer and liquior bottles all over the stairways. Yep mom really nice neighborhood there. His new place is all of 1 1/2 miles further to his work. To hear my mother you would think he is drivng 5 hrs one way.


Back to the point...
So I was terrifed when he was in his old place, but he was 18, nothing I could to to stop him. All I could do is give him advice and offer encouragement. He's learned his lesson in the last yr and is so excited to be moving into a house.

 

[Where'sPiglet?]

To the OP - Why don't you have your son create a budget, making sure he includes everything - rent, car, gas, car insurance, renter's insurance, food, utilities, phone, clothes, television, internet, video games, eating out, etc.

Have him look through the rental magazine to see what kind of apartments he could afford on his created budget...he just might decide to stay at home for a little while longer.

(We had to do this assignment in high school...it was quite the eye-opener!)

 

[minkydog]

To the OP - Why don't you have your son create a budget, making sure he includes everything - rent, car, gas, car insurance, renter's insurance, food, utilities, phone, clothes, television, internet, video games, eating out, etc.

Have him look through the rental magazine to see what kind of apartments he could afford on his created budget...he just might decide to stay at home for a little while longer.

(We had to do this assignment in high school...it was quite the eye-opener!)

Well, actually he has already done this. You coulda knocked me over with a feather! He has worked out his budget--it'll be tight, but if he can learn to eat at home and reign in his recreation he can do it.

I'm of the mind that DS needs to think about renting a 1BR/1BA something that he can afford on his own, which will definitely limit him to some low rent areas. But I'm not sure. I guess what I'm wondering is, would it be better for him to find a couple roommates and just find a house to rent in a better neighborhood? I'm kinda afraid that something would happen to the roommates and DS might get stuck holding the whole rent. Which he definitely could not manage. And I sure don't wanna pick up the slack!

 

[sha_lyn]

Well, actually he has already done this. You coulda knocked me over with a feather! He has worked out his budget--it'll be tight, but if he can learn to eat at home and reign in his recreation he can do it.

I'm of the mind that DS needs to think about renting a 1BR/1BA something that he can afford on his own, which will definitely limit him to some low rent areas. But I'm not sure. I guess what I'm wondering is, would it be better for him to find a couple roommates and just find a house to rent in a better neighborhood? I'm kinda afraid that something would happen to the roommates and DS might get stuck holding the whole rent. Which he definitely could not manage. And I sure don't wanna pick up the slack!

That is part of my fear with where DS is now. He can handle his share, but his 1 roommate (1 of the 2 he had the apartment with) will barely be able to cover his share. If he can't pay up and has to move out, DS's share will increase 50%. I believe he could pay the extra amount if he cut out some of his ectra spending, but I would hate to see him and the other roommate get stuck with the other 1/3 of the rent. I have a feelling that is what will happen knowing this kid. He's a good kid, but lazy and hasn't had much guidence. his mothers idea of guidence was to kick him out on his 18 birthday without a job or anything. He actually live with us for a little while back then. Then hsi mother would have the nerve to call here and want us to keep track of where her 18 son was that she kicked to the curb.

 

[trip]

He's been living in our basement and we recently increased the rent to $400/month (1/5 of the total living expenses for our household.)

Will your total living expenses go down by $400 when he moves out? How much did he have to pay before?

 

[minkydog]

Will your total living expenses go down by $400 when he moves out? How much did he have to pay before?

Hmm, I think before we were charging him about $50/month and he was frittering his money away on video games. Some of the household expenses will go down when he moves out, like water,gas, electricity & food. About $150 worth. We'll still have the same mortgage payment, cable & telephone bills.

 

[bumbershoot]

To the OP - Why don't you have your son create a budget, making sure he includes everything - rent, car, gas, car insurance, renter's insurance, food, utilities, phone, clothes, television, internet, video games, eating out, etc.

Wasn't there a Cosby Show about this that showed Theo how expensive it would be?

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

Wasn't there a Cosby Show about this that showed Theo how expensive it would be?

OH yes there was and I was going to post about it but you beat me to it. I lOVED that episode! Good thing the OP's son does not live in the NE....1200 per month IS the rent! Nothing else! My son paid 1000 per month for a dingy one bdrm. NOT in a major city.

 

[Macca1111]

. I guess what I'm wondering is, would it be better for him to find a couple roommates and just find a house to rent in a better neighborhood? I'm kinda afraid that something would happen to the roommates and DS might get stuck holding the whole rent. Which he definitely could not manage. And I sure don't wanna pick up the slack!

Most places here make every roommate sign the lease and agreements, so there shouldn't be a conflict if his roommates bailed. They would be in trouble with the rentor, but not cause him trouble. He shouldn't have to be financially responsible for them. I suppose it depends on his temperament and what's important - I've always lived with people, partly because it's so much more expensive to live alone, but also because I like having company. If he really enjoys being alone tho, or doesn't mind the cheaper neighborhood, go for it. Hope it goes well!

 

[golfgal]

I am going to assume since you did not mention school that he is not in school. He is 21, time to go. I know you worry but having to live in a not so nice area is usually good motivation for kids to improve their situation either by getting a better job or by saving money to buy something .

Let him go, let him find a place. Once he starts touring various apartments a roommate might not look so bad to him. If he has to live on mac and cheese for a couple months because he bought a video game, so be it. They do have to learn sometime and parents that deny this stage with kids are really not helping their kids.

 

[Loverly]

That is part of my fear with where DS is now. He can handle his share, but his 1 roommate (1 of the 2 he had the apartment with) will barely be able to cover his share. If he can't pay up and has to move out, DS's share will increase 50%. I believe he could pay the extra amount if he cut out some of his ectra spending, but I would hate to see him and the other roommate get stuck with the other 1/3 of the rent. I have a feelling that is what will happen knowing this kid. He's a good kid, but lazy and hasn't had much guidence. his mothers idea of guidence was to kick him out on his 18 birthday without a job or anything. He actually live with us for a little while back then. Then hsi mother would have the nerve to call here and want us to keep track of where her 18 son was that she kicked to the curb.

Does your DS go to college?I thought he was going to be a Marine Biologist?
We helped paid living expenses when our kids were in college.

 

[minkydog]

I am going to assume since you did not mention school that he is not in school. He is 21, time to go. I know you worry but having to live in a not so nice area is usually good motivation for kids to improve their situation either by getting a better job or by saving money to buy something .

Let him go, let him find a place. Once he starts touring various apartments a roommate might not look so bad to him. If he has to live on mac and cheese for a couple months because he bought a video game, so be it. They do have to learn sometime and parents that deny this stage with kids are really not helping their kids.

Oh, believe me, we're not trying to deny him anything. He's got to go. But I feel unsure of which way to advise him to go--alone or with a roommate.

He recently asked me where we lived with we first got married So I told him about living with no furniture, no A/C (in Georgia!), meatless meals, living from paycheck to paycheck and hoping there would be enough money to buy food other than oatmeal. He seemed amused.

I don't mind him doing without--I believe this strengthens a character. But I don't want him to have to live with drug dealers & pimps if he doesn't have to.

 

[golfgal]

Oh, believe me, we're not trying to deny him anything. He's got to go. But I feel unsure of which way to advise him to go--alone or with a roommate.

He recently asked me where we lived with we first got married So I told him about living with no furniture, no A/C (in Georgia!), meatless meals, living from paycheck to paycheck and hoping there would be enough money to buy food other than oatmeal. He seemed amused.

I don't mind him doing without--I believe this strengthens a character. But I don't want him to have to live with drug dealers & pimps if he doesn't have to.

It is hard and I wouldn't want my kids living in an area that is THAT bad either. I still think once he actually sees what he can afford vs just looking at pictures, he will opt for a roommate. Is there anyone at work that either has a place or is looking for a place so they can go in together?

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

My oldest is not quite there yet (he's only 16). But this topic has been on my mind too and I wonder how we will handle it when the time comes. I'm interested to hear the experiences of folks who have been there.

 

[Chris2597]

I think you should let him make his way in his own apt. I am sure he will soon discover that $400 a month for a basement apt in your home was the best deal for living that he will ever have. My ds 22 is not working, not going to school and living in a house that I inherited. He had been living there with my mother prior to her death late last yr. He moved in with her, like your son when he was 18 and thought our rules were too strict. She allowed him to basically do whatever he wanted to do, no rules....totally shocked me as she was not a lenient parent with her own children. We told him he could stay there a few months while we prepared the house for sale. Our intention was for him to find a job, save some $$ and be able to move into an apt....none of this has happened. I told him last week that he has one more month and he would be out..I have to make decisions concerning what to do with the house as I am paying all utility bills, taxes, insurance, and maintenance on the property. ..He said he would be on the streets if i did this and asked to move into my home....I said no way as that would only enable him to continue his do nothing lifestyle....Now I have to figure out if I can actually put him out and let the chips fall where they may. Parenting adult children, especially those that are not self reliant is so difficult. My other 2 adult children are totally self reliant and wouldnt consider asking for this type of help....they would work 3 jobs to avoid dependence...Good luck, but I would let him move out if he wants to.
A ? for anyone that might know....How do you get an adult child out of your home if they refuse. If they have established residency in their parents home or a home their parents own?? How do you get them out....? Do you have to go through an eviction process?

 

[Camicar]

Good thing the OP's son does not live in the NE....1200 per month IS the rent! Nothing else! My son paid 1000 per month for a dingy one bdrm. NOT in a major city.

I live in the midwest and it's only a little cheaper here. My coworker pays $800 for a tiny 2 bedroom which is heated only by a heater in the living room -- so in order to heat the bedroom, the living room gets to be 90 degrees. Not only is that uncomfortable, she can't afford that amount of heat. So in the cold months, she sleeps on her couch. This is a woman with a MA and a professional job (but in a field which doesn't pay a lot of money). It's not easy to get started any more.

 

[Kath2003]

I'm 23 and pay $700/month to rent a room in someone's house This is actually considered an excellent deal, not least because it includes my bills. No one else I know has a deal this sweet

Plus the couple I live with are lovely

 

[Laugh O. Grams]

Although I love both my parents dearly, when I moved out of my parents house at 17 (off to college), I never looked back. At 21, I'd be going stir crazy!! As far as I'm concerned, living in an apartment in a sleazier side of town, with 3-5 roomates, depending on everyone's budget, is simply one of many rites of passage that a kid has to go through to become an man (or woman)...and it's usually a heck of a lot of fun as well. It was at least for me. Even though I had to count every penny and all I had to my name when I graduated was a beat up Jeep Cherokee, a surfboard, and a TV, I still look back fondly on those days.