Ds won't sleep in his crib, HELP!

[johannams]

Ds is 13 months old and still sleeps in the same bed with DH and me. We would like for DS to sleep in his own room in his crib, but whenever we put him in it he starts to cry, even if he’s already asleep. I just want to go cold turkey with this and know that probably it will take a few nights for him to get used to it.

My question is: How long can we let him cry at night that won’t be too traumatic for him? Are a couple of hours too much?

I just want to get through with this before changing him from a crib to a toddler bed.

 

[Tikicampers]

Ds is 13 months old and still sleeps in the same bed with DH and me. We would like for DS to sleep in his own room in his crib, but whenever we put him in it he starts to cry, even if he’s already asleep. I just want to go cold turkey with this and know that probably it will take a few nights for him to get used to it.

My question is: How long can we let him cry at night that won’t be too traumatic for him? Are a couple of hours too much?

I just want to get through with this before changing him from a crib to a toddler bed.

I feel your pain. DS slept with us pretty much every night for over 2 years. We tried the cold turkey thing with the crying, and it just didn't work for us. We could not listen to our child cry and not go get him.
He did not begin to sleep in his own bed until we put him in a full size bed with rails at 2.5. We now think he just didn't have enough room. We found that it was easier to move DS into his own bed than into the crib, but your DS is a little young for that. Have you talked to your Ped. about this? Ours had some good advice for us.

 

[toesmom]

Ds is 13 months old and still sleeps in the same bed with DH and me. We would like for DS to sleep in his own room in his crib, but whenever we put him in it he starts to cry, even if he’s already asleep. I just want to go cold turkey with this and know that probably it will take a few nights for him to get used to it.

My question is: How long can we let him cry at night that won’t be too traumatic for him? Are a couple of hours too much?

I just want to get through with this before changing him from a crib to a toddler bed.

Excellent book called The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley (sp??)... she has very detailed chapter about transitioning from family bed to own crib, slowly from crib next to mom's bed to crib at door of mom's room to crib in baby's room over time. Might be worth a try. good luck

 

[annie1995]

I really have no advice, but just wanted to let you know I'm working on the same thing with my son now. We have managed to get 3 or so hours out of him in his crib, but he really needs to be in a deep sleep, or its a no go. You are totally not alone in this, so my thoughts are with you. One day it will happen. I agree on the bigger bed thing, my DS sleeps much better when hes not in his crib, and on a real bed.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why not just get him his own bed with bed rails? My kids were not fans of the crib at all. They would nap in there but that was about it. Once they got a regular bed they slept just fine. Now you asked for opinions so don't get mad at me here, but letting your child cry for "a couple of hours" is just plain cruel IMO.

 

[kmk160]

Went through something similar with both kids. Mine would only go in the crib if they were rocked to sleep first. With our son, now 4, it took longer for us to break him of the habit. Once he understood what we were saying, he agreed to give going to bed on his own a try and loved it.
Our daughter, now 1, was different for us. We decided that for her own benefit, she needed to learn how to sooth herself to sleep (and back to sleep for that matter) in her crib.
We decided to try the cry it out thing, but that isnt easy to do.
For me, I found it was easier to let her cry for about 10 mins. and go in and reassure her that she was ok.
I'd pat her or rub her back for a minute and tell her she was alright.
All in all, in about 3 nights, she was able to be put in her crib, wide awake, and get herself to sleep and stay that way all night long.
PP mentioned a book, No Cry Sleep Solution which is very good.
Best of luck to you...I know this is very difficult!

 

[jagafen]

IT worked for us....I'm not sure what's it's official name is, but Super Nanny made it popular...we beat her to the technique though! Put him in his crib, and sit next to the crib with your back to him...he will cry and call for you. Reassure him with your voice that "mommy/daddy is there, but it's bedtime, and it's time to go to sleep." That will be your mantra! Do not look at/pick up young child! The next night, sit a few feet away, still limiting eyecontact and physical contact when the little one gets fussy (if he does), and repeat your mantra to reassure him. Each night, try and increase the distance a little bit. As the distance away from the crib increases, try and shorten the amount of time you spend in the room. I think we started with 15 minutes and worked our way to sitting in the hallway , with the door open so our DS could see us, for no more than 5 minutes...repeating the mantra over and over when/if he would fuss. Try and stick to the mantra....in a way, you're conditioning him (in the Skinner sense) with your words as you increase the distance. It is time consuming, but I swear by this method. It may take a bit longer for you (I'm guessing ) because our son only slept in our room for the first month. He's probably more attached to your presence/proximity to him. (He slept through the night (5-6 hours) by about 5 weeks...we moved him into the crib right then!) Our son is 4 now, and when we put him to bed, he knows he's to go to sleep...no monkey business, and he rarely fusses at bedtime.

The other thing we did (and I think this is why he may have slept so well so early) is to get him a womb bear....the kind that makes a realistic heartbeat sound when you turn it on. If he's used to sleeping close to you, that may be a sound he is used to hearing, and it may help ease the transition away from you into his crib. Just a hypothesis on my part though!

 

[oldbay]

I found with both of my kids(5 & 18 mo) starting with naps was easier. Also, putting them in before they were overtired helped. Best of luck!

 

[Elaine R]

We did our let our kids cry it out, but this never went on for very long. We followed the advice of Marc Weissbluth of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. His advice was to let your child cry for no mare than an hour, if I remember correctly. Our children would cry for for 45-60 minutes the first night, and the length would rapidly decrease every night. Within a week both of them would cry for no more than a few minutes of protest.

One caveat: We did not share a family bed, so I'm not sure if it would take longer for your child to make that transition.

Good luck.

 

[maxtomsmom]

A few thoughts and questions? Some might help. Some worked for one DS while another worked for the other.

Do you have a settling down routine before your child goes to bed like brush teeth, read a book, kiss goodnight, etc? If so, good try to keep the routine going but make the book the last thing. Then have your DS listen to the book in his bed/crib. He may not fall asleep, but you're starting the process of this is his safe comfy sleeping place.


Have him pick out a special sleeping buddy that only "lives" in the crib. He can visit the buddy in the crib, but the buddy has to stay in the crib. (We used this to wean our DS2 off the bottle. The bottle fairy came and gave him a gift for being such a good boy for giving the bottles back to the fairy. He liked it
and still sleeps with the buddy.)


Don't do the crying thing if you intend to pick up your child. All it teaches your child to do is learn to cry longer and louder.

If your DS still naps, start with the naps in the crib. He will get use to it. If he cries give him a pat, pick him up and try it again. If it doesn't work, try (this may be hard on you) not to give him a nap that afternoon and put him in your bed until he falls asleep. Then you can transfer him to his crib. You can leave the bar down so he can easily get out. Some kids don't like feeling trapped.


If you have another child, can they share a room for the time being until your DS feels more comfortable?


We never did the family bed thing. Both kids slept in their own cradle in our bedroom when they were infants until my DH's snoring bother them. Sad, but true. It made nursing more difficult in the middle of the night. My SIL did the family bed and she had soooo much trouble getting both kids to sleep in their own beds. She ended up sleeping in one room with both of her daughters while my BIL slept in the spare bedroom. They both eventually did manage to find comfort and sleep through in their own beds. So hang in there eventually they will want to do it.

 

[cuppycake]

Ds is 13 months old and still sleeps in the same bed with DH and me. We would like for DS to sleep in his own room in his crib, but whenever we put him in it he starts to cry, even if he’s already asleep. I just want to go cold turkey with this and know that probably it will take a few nights for him to get used to it.

My question is: How long can we let him cry at night that won’t be too traumatic for him? Are a couple of hours too much?

I just want to get through with this before changing him from a crib to a toddler bed.

I second the, give him more space in a big bed thought. My kids did sooooo much better in their own beds when they had bigger ones and NO CRIB! Though, a toddler bed is really the same size as a crib...might consider a twin with bed rails.

As for the crying...not slinging insults or anything, but you ASKED for opinions....I don't think it's fair to suddenly ask your child to do something different than has been expected of him in the past. This is the way that he's been sleeping and it's not very nice to all of the sudden say, okay buddy, you're in your own room, on your own now, tough luck. How would you feel? You would probably be sad and cry, too.

There have been studies published about the stress that kind of crying puts onto a child. I (obviously) am not a fan of cry it out at all, but if you are going to do it, I would not let my child cry for a couple of hours. That's an awfully long time.

Two books that I HIGHLY recommend for non-cry it out solutions (it may take some time, but it can be done)...The No Cry Sleep Solution, and Sleepless in America.

I have two girls (4 and 2) who were cosleepers from day one. DD1 transitioned (without tears) to her crib a little at a time starting around 10 months, and was completely in her own bed without needing us much by about 15 months. DD2 started the transition at around 18 months and is now (26 months) sleeping from 9ish until 5ish in her own bed, then nursing and going back to sleep until around 7.

Good luck momma. Parenting decisions are never easy, but follow your heart. If you don't want to have him cry, there are ways!! YOU CAN DO IT!!

 

[zippy doo dah]

We never did the family bed thing when my kids were infants only because I was too nervous that weither DH or I would roll over and suffocate the baby. We did the cradle at the foot of my bed and then once large enough, we transitioned into the crib while in our room. My little ones began sleeping through the night between 6 & 8 weeks of age so I got pretty lucky with that lol.

We did keep a bedtime routine where the kids would brush teeth, wash hands and face, kiss night night, read book, and another kiss if they were still awake. There were several times that they did put up a fuss because they weren't tired and I did a modified cry it out. Thr fussiness usually happened once or twice a month or so, so I never had a problem with this.

After our routine, I would close the door enough so that it was dark in the room (except the small night light) but enough so we could hear and so the kids knew we were still here. If they got fussy and began to cry to come out, I would "ignore" it for 20 min, then if they were still crying, I would stand outside the room without opening the door and just let them hear my voice and I'd say that mommy's here and everything is alright and it's time to sleep. If they were still fussy after another 20 min, I would go into the room, give a hug and kiss, and say the same thing again, but I would rub their backs for a few minutes (5 at the most) while saying the same thing over and over again, but I wouldn't pick them up so they got the idea that bedtime is bedtime. Most often this was the last step, but if it continued, for another 20 min then I would give another hugh and kiss & rub their backs until they were asleep. When I had to do that, it was usually when they weren't feeling well and just wanted to be close to someone (they always loved to cuddle when not feeling well - and still do).

This is a very difficult thing to go through and I wish you the very best. What worls for one may not work for another, but maybe you can combine some suggestions to find a way that works for you and your family. If all else fails, definately call you pedi for some advice.

 

[LauraAnn630]

Id get a toddler bed. Make a huge deal about it!

I would never let my boys cry more than 15 - 20 minutes.

I would rather my kids sleep with me than let them cry for any lenght of time.

I dont care where they sleep as long as they go to sleep.

By age 3 they were in there own beds.

I cant think of one reason to let my babies cry alone and scard in there rooms.

I know a lot of people will not agree. My boys slept with me/DH and are now in there own beds and eveythings fine.

Thank God they are 5 years apart in age!

 

[WantToGoNow]

If you decide to get a "big bed" I'd get a twin - not a toddler bed. He will have no more room in a toddler bed (they use a crib mattress) and they aren't in them that long. I went that route with ds6 when he was 2 and he was only in it for 6 mos. before I bought the twin bed. My dd3 moved straight from crib to the bottom bunk at 17 mos. We only used a safety rail for about 2 mos.

As for crying it out (the Ferber method), I did use it for both of my children when they were around 6-8 mos. It only took 3 nights for each of them before they started sleeping through the night. The first night you let them cry for 5 minutes, then you go in and lay them back down and comfort them (you don't pick them up, play, talk, give food/drink, etc. - it's all about bhe business of going to sleep). You keep alternating the crying and comfort until they go to sleep. The next night, you wait 10 minutes before going in, the next night 15 minutes, you keep extending the time by 5 minutes each night. The purpose is for your child to learn to self-soothe and get themselves to sleep. I won't say it wasn't difficult - it was, but it did work and my kids have slept well since. We had a little problem around dd's 2nd birthday but that was potty related -- she would get up to pee and then want to stay up - she ended up coming to our bed each night which was actually harder to stop than the learning to sleep in the first place.

 

[PollyannaMom]

DS had the same problem with his crib. He just hated the whole bars thing. And the one time my SIL convinced us to try the cry-it-out bit, he actually got his foot stuck and was crying for a legitimate reason! We felt awful.

So, we ended up putting his matress on the floor. Just SUPER-baby-proofed the room and gated the door instead. It was so much better.

We also, as someone else mentioned, started with naps. And, since he was used to coming in with us a lot, I would lay down next to him at first until he fell asleep. - Be careful of that, though, we got stuck in it for longer than we should have before we heard of the distancing method someone described above (which did work when we eventually did it.)

Best of luck with whatever you try!

 

[Minniemouse07]

FWIW we had the same issues w/ dd and changed one thing w/ ds. We moved the crib into our room next to my side of the bed. HUGE difference. He sleeps through the night in his crib about 75% of the time. Dd NEVER slept through the night until she was over 3yo.

We also switched her from crib to bed when she was 18mo. It did help a lot, ... got about 4-5hrs instead of one or two every night.

Bedtime routines are important and I agree about the bed over the crib.

You can do two different things to help the transition, either get a twin bed and lay down w/ him each night to got to sleep and then he isn't transitioned to a different space OR get a toddler bed and put it next to your bed in your room. When he is comfy w/ the bed and sleeping well for a period of time, move the toddler bed to his room, then eventually trade up to a twin bed.

We welcome both kids into bed w/ us whenever they need it, but we all sleep better when the kids are in their own space so we encourage them to sleep in their bed/crib but don't have a hard and fast rule. Heck, dd is sleeping on our floor right now because it is cooler in our room.

 

[johannams]

Thank you for all your replys, I hope they help. The thing is, I have an older ds4, who used to fall asleep in his crib on his own and slept the whole night, it was great. Until we bought a new house. We first had to move in with my MIL for 4 months and she used to get into his bed with him until he fell asleep. He was 19months and he had his own full bed. By the time we moved into our new house he got used to that and didn't want to sleep alone in his room anymore, we had to lay next to him in his bed until he fell asleep. We tried everything to get him to sleep on his own again but it took a very long time. But, since he was in a bed, he just walked out of his room every night. That's why I want to try to get ds1 to sleep on his own in his crib, so he can't "get out" of it.

 

[CEDmom]

We didn't do a family bed because I didn't want to be in the position you're in now. We did have nights where one of us would have to lay on the floor of DD's room when she was in the crib. Just having us in the room with her was enough to calm her. She also rebeled against the crib at about 2 1/2 so we put her mattress on the floor and she fine for several months. Just before her 3rd birthday we got her a twin bed.

 

[teresajoy]

Id get a toddler bed. Make a huge deal about it!

I would never let my boys cry more than 15 - 20 minutes.

I would rather my kids sleep with me than let them cry for any lenght of time.

I dont care where they sleep as long as they go to sleep.

By age 3 they were in there own beds.

I cant think of one reason to let my babies cry alone and scard in there rooms.

I know a lot of people will not agree. My boys slept with me/DH and are now in there own beds and eveythings fine.

Thank God they are 5 years apart in age!

Wow, pretty much exactly what I was going to say! We have used the family bed since our son was a few months old. At first, we put him in his own bed, in his own room, because, well, isnt' that what you are SUPPOSE to do???

I was nursing, and finally, when he was a few months old, we figured out that we would ALL be happier if he just slept with us! By 2, he was ready to move to his own room. Our daughters though, slept in our room, usually in a toddler bed next to ours, until they were 4. Lydia has just started sleeping in a room with Arminda. Actually, she wanted to do it sooner, but I didn't trust her not to get into things until now!

I guess what I am really trying to say is to do what feels right for your family. I think many times people do things a certain way because they think that's the way it is suppose to be done. If you really want the baby out of your room, then do it, but don't do it just because you think you should.


ETA: I overheard one of my SILs talking about how we still weren't able to get our dd to sleep in her own bed. I had to kind of laugh, because obviously, she thought this was some sort of problem in our family! But, to us, it was not. So what if our kids still like to be close to us at 4? They are still LITTLE kids.

 

[brymolmom]

Wow, pretty much exactly what I was going to say! We have used the family bed since our son was a few months old. At first, we put him in his own bed, in his own room, because, well, isnt' that what you are SUPPOSE to do???

I was nursing, and finally, when he was a few months old, we figured out that we would ALL be happier if he just slept with us! By 2, he was ready to move to his own room. Our daughters though, slept in our room, usually in a toddler bed next to ours, until they were 4. Lydia has just started sleeping in a room with Arminda. Actually, she wanted to do it sooner, but I didn't trust her not to get into things until now!

I guess what I am really trying to say is to do what feels right for your family. I think many times people do things a certain way because they think that's the way it is suppose to be done. If you really want the baby out of your room, then do it, but don't do it just because you think you should.


ETA: I overheard one of my SILs talking about how we still weren't able to get our dd to sleep in her own bed. I had to kind of laugh, because obviously, she thought this was some sort of problem in our family! But, to us, it was not. So what if our kids still like to be close to us at 4? They are still LITTLE kids.

I know the family bed works for some people - but thank goodness it is different strokes for different folks - because I would have had a huge problem if my children slept with me for 2 years or even 2 months. If mommy doesn't get enough sleep the whole family plan for the day goes down the tubes and everyone is much happier with everyone sleeping in their own beds. I wish I could sleep better when they are with us when they're sick or whatever but no way - I sleep very little when they are in bed with us - and that makes me grumpy the next day - and no one has any fun.

Anyway - just to point out to the OP who thinks that moving the baby to their own bed is best for his/her own family - that just because a child is crying (especially at a very young age) does NOT mean that they are scared. I know with my own dd it was a power struggle. She was exhausted and NEEDED sleep but would cry for quite awhile for her naps. But it was mostly because she was tired - NOT because she was scared. If she was scared, I would have, of course, comforted her. Don't forget - this is your baby's main method of communication for a long period of time - so it shows anger, frustration, exhaustion, hunger, wanting to get their own way (at least with my dd)...so don't feel guilty. You know what is best for your own family.

My kids all slept in their cribs from day 1. We have, occasionally, let them into our bed for sicknesses or bad dreams, but they usually end up asking to go back to their own beds before too long. And I will say that the whole bedtime thing is the one area of my own parenting that I am very satisfied with (other areas I'm CONSTANTLY trying to reevaluate and improve) - my kids go to bed GREAT and it is not a huge time-consuming hassle. When friends are over they are always amazed that dh and I can excuse ourselves for 10 minutes or so and then return to entertain our guests for the rest of the evening and the kids just go to sleep.

Good luck to the OP! You can get there - just know that there will be some hurdles first.