DS - First breakup help

[Ceila]

It's hard when your kid is hurting, but the best thing you can do in this situation is to lend a shoulder.

This will sound harsh, but your post basically reads like your son is an angel and that evil girl pushed him into this and then tore his heart out. And, that may be how you see it at the moment. I'm fairly confident, though, that it isn't quite so black and white. So, don't badmouth her to him. Doing so would not only make it sound like you think he made a poor decision to get involved with her in the first place, but he will certainly remember your negativity if they ever get back together.

 

[majimikate]

I have 3 sons, 23, 18 and 16, and a 15 year old daughter. I often say among friends, "at this age, they all come pre-stamped with an expiration date". Not to diminish the learning that these early relationships bring, but I don't get attached to them, and don't encourage the kids to think all or any of these will be long term. I describe high school as the time you try on lots of different relationships, and people, and that those experiences help you figure out what you want in someone long term and serious. Hopefully it will bring great daughter in laws and a son in law to our family one day

 

[luvsJack]

Everyone deals with this stuff differently. Dont make my mistake of assuming he needs to do the same thing you did to get over it.

Mostly all you can do is be there to listen if and when he wants to talk.

It will pass. Dd spent a whole day crying . Day two she ranted and cried. By day three I had had enough of the pity party and took her shopping! She was still sad for awhile but it did pass. Its very hard to sit back and watch your child hurt but there really isnt anything you can do. Its just a part of growing up.

 

[Hrhpd]

It's hard when your kid is hurting, but the best thing you can do in this situation is to lend a shoulder.

This will sound harsh, but your post basically reads like your son is an angel and that evil girl pushed him into this and then tore his heart out. And, that may be how you see it at the moment. I'm fairly confident, though, that it isn't quite so black and white. So, don't badmouth her to him. Doing so would not only make it sound like you think he made a poor decision to get involved with her in the first place, but he will certainly remember your negativity if they ever get back together.

I will also add that it sounds like you are a bit too involved in a 16 year old's love life. Which is understandable, as it is so hard to back away a bit when our children are hurting. But practically every high school student, boy or girl has had their heart broken, whether by a boy/girlfriend, not making a team, friendships ending or anything else that happens in high school. It is part of life and is an excellent lesson on learning how to handle difficult situations and coming out stronger for it.

If you keep making a big deal of it, it will morph into a bigger deal than it is. Be there as a Mom, lending a shoulder to cry on if he needs it, but let him work it out himself.

I wouldn't worry too much about being such an introvert that he will never have another relationship. You, yourself, said he has been too busy with friends to really put a lot of time into the relationship. Sounds like he has a strong friend group.

Now, of course, if you think he is over-reacting, there is always counseling.

 

[Alesia]

:I will also add that it sounds like you are a bit too involved in a 16 year old's love life. Which is understandable, as it is so hard to back away a bit when our children are hurting. But practically every high school student, boy or girl has had their heart broken, whether by a boy/girlfriend, not making a team, friendships ending or anything else that happens in high school. It is part of life and is an excellent lesson on learning how to handle difficult situations and coming out stronger for it.

If you keep making a big deal of it, it will morph into a bigger deal than it is. Be there as a Mom, lending a shoulder to cry on if he needs it, but let him work it out himself.

I wouldn't worry too much about being such an introvert that he will never have another relationship. You, yourself, said he has been too busy with friends to really put a lot of time into the relationship. Sounds like he has a strong friend group.

I agree. He can't grow into his own person if mom is always there trying to guide him.

 

[laurafergie]

I have 3 sons, 23, 18 and 16, and a 15 year old daughter. I often say among friends, "at this age, they all come pre-stamped with an expiration date". Not to diminish the learning that these early relationships bring, but I don't get attached to them, and don't encourage the kids to think all or any of these will be long term. I describe high school as the time you try on lots of different relationships, and people, and that those experiences help you figure out what you want in someone long term and serious. Hopefully it will bring great daughter in laws and a son in law to our family one day

 

[whtyger97]

Just to offer a different perspective....

I dated a guy in High School my senior year, I was a year ahead in school but we were only a few months apart and I went off to college and broke up with him in Nov by phone from college. Had very little to do with him but alot of other external things (my parents divorcing being the biggest one), not to mention he was my first boyfriend and wasn't sure I wanted him or if it was because he was the first one to show interest. If you asked his mom I'm sure she'd said things very much like what the OP has.

I wanted very much to remain friends, and it was very awkward at first however a few years later we got back together and have been married now for 12 years. (and while she never said it, it look a long time for his mom to be happy we were married, I think she thought I was going to break his heart again)

Don't be to hard on her, you don't know the whole story and don't know how life will end up.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

No advice here--just amazed at all the intricate details you know about your son's love life!

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

Just be there for him and give him some extra attention. Take him shopping or to his favorite restaurant or make his favorite home-cooked meal. Tell him to try to act maturely and give her some space before he tries to be friends. It would be nice if he went to Homecoming with another girl and maybe a group of his friends.

 

[Styx Fan]

Give him some space and let him work through this. Talk with him if he comes to you or seems to really want to talk. And I totally agree with the others about not speaking poorly of the girl to him. You will never know all that has transpired, nor should you. And since you never know what the future holds you don't want to burn your bridges with the girl.

Now, if after a while he doesn't seem to be coming around, it might be time for some adult intervention. But perhaps that should come from a guy and not his mom? If no father in the picture, uncle, older cousin, good friend?

I know it can be hard to pull back a bit...I have an almost 18 year old son. But no matter how hard we have to make ourselves with our young men.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am always amazed at how involved parents are in their children's lives.

It would usually take my parents a week or 2 to notice if a boyfriend and I had split up. And then their stick response was "there are other fish in the sea. It's time for dinner" and that was basically the end of it.

Amazingly enough, there were other fish in the sea!

 

[mmfan53226]

OP here....Just wanted to say thanks for the advice and noticing that I may be to involved here and that might not be helping him.

Last night was a little bit better. He was pretty angry and would snap at anything. I let him know that I was no longer going to talk to him about it unless, he brought it up to me. And that I was sorry if I over stepped my place, but I was only trying to help.

He thanked me and said right now it doesn't know what he wants to do, because she was a part of his life for 2 years and he could always count on her. He opened up and said you know I have never been able to talk to a girl like I was able to talk to her. When he try's to talk to girls he just runs out of things to say, but with her that was never the case. He then turns to me with the saddest face and said for right now he had to delete her from all aspects of his life, gone from his phone and all social media.

I left it at that, but it broke my heart not to offer anymore advice as he was looking out the window. Especially when I realized that even through they were only a couple for a short period of time, they were friends a lot longer. And right now he needs get his thoughts and life back on track with out her there. Not worry about going to dances or forcing him to meet new people.

Later at night he did reach out to his dad and asked for advice. And DH just told him he needs to really realize that the relationship was never going to work on a romantic level at this point in time. That he needs to be honest with himself and realize an 18 year old girl who is around guys that have there own cars aren't going to want to try and maintain a relationship with a 16 year old who doesn't even have his license yet. And that he just need to use his teenage years to have fun and grow. And who knows what the future holds for either one of you. Right now his focus should be on what he enjoys to do and let everything fall into place.

Thanks again for being honest with me. It is very hard for me, because I want to fix this for him.

Krystine

 

[yoopermom]

The phrase "runs out of things to say" made me remember when my DS was first dating. He asked me what I found most attractive in boys when I was a teen. What jumped out at me right away was that I had one boyfriend who really, really, REALLY *listened*. He wasn't a huge talker himself, we didn't even have a ton of shared interests, but I had girlfriends to fill that type of role. This boyfriend just really got the fact that listening is a really attractive skill to have. So I told my DS to listen, to *not* always try to "solve" the girl's problem, but to always be supportive. He's been with his current GF 2 years now, so it seems to have worked .

Good luck to your son. Once he goes off to college himself he'll have a whole new ocean to fish from!

Terri

 

[mickman1962]

It's called growing up, let him do it on his own. If he needs you he will talk to you

 

[TifffanyD]

Kudos, OP, for taking your lumps like a champ!

 

[HM]

I think you and your husband's experiences and reactions to him last night were very good. Good job, OP. I'm sure he'll come through this. He is talking to you and working things through himself....both good things. I hope he's feeling better soon.

 

[mickeyboat]

BTW, OP. Don't feel badly about being involved in your son's life. You should be as involved as you are both comfortable. My DDs tell me things I would have never told my own parents, and I am glad. It does not mean that they won't be able to handle things on their own. It doesn't mean that I am going to fix everything. It just means that I am one of the people they come to for advice.

Your son is going to be just fine.

 

[rigs32]

I just wanted to say that I think it's extremely unfair to characterize a teen girl that is trying to figure out life and relationships as insane.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I just wanted to say that I think it's extremely unfair to characterize a teen girl that is trying to figure out life and relationships as insane.

I thought ALL teenage girls were insane

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

My son had a girl friend similar to this and he called her "his first stalker ex girlfriend". They were good friends and then she asked him out and everything changed.
She was kind of stalkerish - being clingy, not wanting him to hang out with anyone else but her. And she didn't want her parents to know she was dating him which I thought was really strange.

He blocked her from everything after they broke up and she still kept trying to contact him. And then she started texting me (she had my number from several school trips I chaperoned). So I suggested that she take a few steps back and enjoy college without a boyfriend. Happily she did just that.

Last week I noticed he had friended her on facebook again so I don't know what is going on - they are both away at college now at different colleges. They are probably back to being just friends again now that there is some distance between them.