Dropping 3 yr old from trip plans

[lecach]

I think it's nice to make this trip about your 6 year old. Then with YDS is 6 you can take him. Make it about being 6 and not about being bad.

 

[LuLuO]

I too would not leave one of my kids behind, especially on a trip to Disney. I would feel so sad not to have both of them with us. My DD3 is "spirited" and I thought she'd be a nightmare at Disney but to my amazement she was pretty wonderful. We did start our days early and went back to the resort by about 2pm and that worked out well. We did one late night at Epcot and MNSSHP. Both kids did well with this. Sometimes we each took one kid and went off in different directions. We also brought my mom who was a huge help to us. Even if DD3 had been a huge PITA the whole time I would have felt awful looking back at the pictures without her in them.

 

[PHXscuba]

OK, I'm going out on a limb to present a different idea. Push your trip back.

Unless this trip is part of a larger family gathering or tied to a business trip or something where you and DH are going no matter what, what about putting off the trip for six months or a year?

Your younger son's behavior will change in that amount of time simply because he ages. If he's still struggling with preschool, tantrums, etc. then you give yourself time to address those issues. Or he may mature enough that you won't have the same reservations.

I agree you will feel guilty/heartbroken if you go without him, but if you take him feeling as you do now, you and your DH will be holding your breath the whole time waiting for him to "ruin" the special trip.

While all of us on this board want to go to Disney as much/soon as possible, it might be more fair to everyone -- your older DS's fun, your younger DS's ability to handle the experience and rules, your desires, your DH's reservations -- in waiting until you feel good about going together.

PHXscuba

 

[katie111]

I think its a very hard choice. I left my youngest DS home when he was 18 months and took my DS5 and DD6. I also left my DH home (he had to work) so that was a little different. DS was delayed and wasn't crawling or walking yet so trying to hold him in all the lines was just going to be impossible. I must say in retrospect that I am so glad I left him behind. The older kids & I had such a great trip. It was a slow time of year so we were able to go on so many of the "big kid" rides multiple times in a row. Even if DS and DH had been there we would have spent a lot of our time separated as he wouldn't have been able to ride the big kid rides. However, we travel a lot so I don't feel like he really missed out on all that much. We have tons of pics from other vacations that he is in.

That being said, he is now 3.5 and he keeps asking to go see Mickey Mouse. My DH thinks I prompted this so we could plan another trip but I really didn't. But I am trying to plan one. I think the deciding factor for me might be whether or not you think you'll be able to plan another trip in the next couple of years. If its not going to be for another 5 years, then I would definitely take him. If its going to be in a year or two, then I would probably leave him behind until he is able to behave better. I've never really found that my kids act better at Disney than they do at home. Sometimes they act much worse because there is so much stimulation. I remember my DD who was 3 at the time having an absolute screaming meltdown on the Monorail after we pulled her out of Chef Mickeys before we even got seated. She was just totally misbehaving & needed to go to bed. At home she barely ever even cried but she was screaming at the top of her lungs for about 1/2 hour on the monorail. I was mortified!

Good luck with what ever you decide & don't feel guilty. Your DS is not going to be scarred for life because he missed 1 family vacation. Your other DS didn't get to go to Disney till he was 6, so maybe that's when your second DS will be able to go too.

 

[princessmom29]

I would either get a handle on the 3 year old's behavior or leave him at home until his behavior improves. 3 is PLENTY old enough to understand that if you don't behave, you don't get to go. I see so many families dragging screaming children around. It doesn't look like any fun to me, and it is not fair to the child behaving well not to get to go becuase his brother refuses to behave. Yes, I said refuses to behave becuase that is really what it boils down to most of the time.

Yes I know some of you are going to argue "but a 3 year old cannot help it" or "mabye it is a diagnosable condition". I think however that as a society we are using these things as an excuse as a substitute for clearly defined expectations and consequences. I say get a handle on the behavior or leave him home as a consequence for bad behavior.

 

[ancestry]

I disagree with many of the other posters. I see nothing wrong with you leaving him with his grandparents while the rest of you have a vacation that caters to your older child.

I have four children. Rarely do we all travel together. I get to take multiple vacations and usually only take 1 or 2 children at a time. The vacation allows me to bond and reconnect with each of the children and to give them individual time that is catered to their wants and needs. None of my kids have been scarred from it. In fact just the opposite - they all love it because they get mom (and sometimes mom an dad) exclusively or nearly exclusively to themselves for multiple days.

I'm betting your older child would thrive from having such an opportunity with you.

 

[Nancyg56]

Only you know what is going to be the best decision for your family but honestly, your post broke my heart. You see, my oldest was that kid. The one who was an enormous handful and this was before any diagnosis would have been made. I found myself wishing that we did nto have to always take him and as he got older he made that decision on his own. He is 35 now and I still regret the times when he was not with us or the times when he did come and was miserable. It sometimes seemed that I could not make the rigth choice for us

I do not know your circumstances or why your DS can manage to be so disruptive but I do know that I would move Heaven and Earth to find a way to bring him if it was possible. If you can leave him with his GP's can one of them join you on the trip? I am a Nana now and I would go if that meant that my grandchildren, both of them, could have a better vacation.

I know that if you cannot find a way to make this work unless he is home you are going to feel so badly and while he may be fine you will not be. What looks like a good plan before you begin can sometimes very difficult to manage once you are there. If you really feel that there is no other option but to leave him home then you must do that, your 6 YO will remember an horrendous trip, your 3 YO will be in very good hands with his GP's. I know that if I had my DGD so her parents could vacation she would be the one who felt she was getting the best deal..............that is what your DS GP's will do for him. He will think he is the lucky one while his brother had to go with you

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why does the child ruin things for his brother? If the child acts up then as a parent you remove that child or punish them or distract them. Letting them act up and then making everyone leave is not right (if that is what is happening). I don't understand how this child ruins everything. I think you need to elaborate on that. There is no way I would leave the child home. It would just create a distance with the children imo in this situation. What happens when the 6 year old starts saying "You can't/weren't allowed to come because you act like a brat!" Not exactly making for a good sibling bond imo. I don't think there is anything wrong with solo trips but not when it is a famiky trip. YMMV.

 

[pilotwife_02]

I can understand how stressful this must be for you. You want to have a "perfect" vacation for the 6 year old and believe the 3 year old will make that hard.

Now, I have a very difficult 3 year old as well. While it was never an option for us to leave him home, I ran through all the bad scenarios in my head. He's full of temper tantrums, has a hard time sleeping when others are in the room. He has always been high maintenance and at one point I was actually dreading our WDW trip because I imagined our days would be full of meltdowns and arguments from him.

But you know what? He did AMAZING!!! He took great naps, fell asleep at night without a problem. Actually sat in his stroller when we told him to and never argued about eating like he does at home.

I think there is so much to do to entertain them that you might be pleasantly surprised at how well he'll do. When I saw a meltdown coming, we always told him to sit in his stroller and we took a walk with him and explained that we needed him to calm down so we could go on another ride, or so we could stay to see the fireworks. He was old enough to understand and would comply most of the time. There was one afternoon that he had to stay in the room to nap while his brother got to go to the pool since he was just so tired we couldn't avoid a meltdown. But I'm so glad he was there with us!

 

[Ava]

Mouse House Mama pretty much said what I was going to say. You as the parent need to find ways to deal with your 3-year-old's behavior that have the least possible impact on his brother. Consult a behavioral specialist if need be. You also need to teach your 6-year-old how to cope with the disruptions so he doesn't feel his day is "ruined" if his brother acts up.

I personally could not leave a child behind on a family vacation.

 

[ccgirl]

You DS sounds very similar to my DS. I, personally, could never leave him home alone. Having said that, I have left BOTH my children at home together when my DH and myself went for our 10th Anniversary. I could never choose one child over another. WDW is a very stimulating place. Your 6 your old could have meltdowns too. If you read my TR you will see we had many of my son throwing himself on the floor fits in restaurants, the airport etc. We had many people ask us if he was okay. I still could never have left him at home and only taken his sister. Especially, it if was our first trip ever. Either my DH or myself had to leave many a restaurant with him while the other stayed behind with my DD7. We are going again in December. My DS will be just shy of 3 and my DD8. I planned one day where just she and I will go to the Garden View Tea Room at the GF. My son can stay with my DH and watch the parade. I always remind my DD that she had her share of fits too when she was that age. Good luck with your decision.

 

[palavra]

I think you should take your 6 year old on his first trip and let him have a fun and stress free time without his brother. When little brother gets to be 6, you can take him.

I know people will feel sorry for the 3 year old, but i feel sorry for the 6 year old if he has all his events ruined by his younger sibling. Does the three year old even know what Disney World is?

I agree with this post. At the age of three, our daughter was much like you describe your younger son. Since then, she has been diagnosed with ADHD and sensory issues. She is so much better now that we've gotten treatment for her, but at 3, we couldn't take her many places in public.

The three year old won't know what he is missing, and he will be much better able to handle the long days and stress of a Disney trip when he is older. Please don't feel bad. I think you ar doing the right thing for both of your sons.

 

[palavra]

Except that a child that age doesn't have the reasoning or comprehension to understand that he's ruining things. That's why its up to parents to do what is necessary to control the situation and teach proper behavior. Not just accept it and alter family plans around it.

You are assuming that his behavior is normal. My DD's behavior when she was three was off the wall. We had numerous people tell us that it was our fault because we just didn't discipline her properly. 5 years and two diagnoses later, I'm so glad I didn;t listent to those people. Sometimes, a child's behavior is beyond the parent's control.

 

[Marionnette]

I think this has been pretty much decided already BUT my DH thinks we should leave our 2nd DS (will be 3 this month) back home for our 1st Disney trip in Feb 2011.

Our 1st DS (6) has had numerous special events ruined by his younger brothers behaviour.
DS 2 has a wild streak-tantums- over and above a normal 2-3 yr old. Its stressful thinking about what we wont be able to do on the trip because we dont know how he will act let alone Disney is a pretty big trip with a big price tag.
As the momma, I am heartbroken thinking about leaving him back with Grandma BUT it may mean a future trip would be necessary when he gets a litttle older right?

Just looking for a little encouragement that its the right thing to do or others have done this.
Thanks.
Ann Marie

Nope. Never did it. And prolly would not have done it especially when it was the first family disney trip. Our second child was not always the best behaved either. He made it difficult for his older sister to enjoy alot of things. But we are a family. And family means that no one gets left behind. The two year old may or may not know whats going on. But the six year old will. There are alot of subtle messages your sending here. Anything from "mom likes son number one best" to "when family does stuff thats inconveniences you then just dump that family member". Sorry for the lack of encouragement. Maybe its b/c Im a third child and I remember how much it hurt when I saw my oldest brother get preferential treatment.

 

[burnurcomputer]

As another option (I have not read all 3 pages so this might have been mentioned) what about bringing a person to be with the 3 year old so you can do 1:1 time with your older son and still include your younger child? If you are considering leaving him with a GP, what about bringing the GP with and paying to have them along to help with your child? You can plan for your younger child to spend resort time on a few of the days and have a day or two with the parents and his brother in the parks. None is excluded, fun is still had by all, and family vacation as a unit remains intact.

You could even have the GP take the train out instead of fly with the little guy so you has a dya or two with your older child and your younger son has an amazing trip to or from the vacation!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

For me, it would depend on how easy and feasible it would be to take another trip in 2 or 3 years. We live in CA so going to WDW means a long (and expensive) flight and at least 10 days to account for travel and still have enough time at the parks. My older son has Asperger's and would not have been ready to take such a trip when he was younger. We went to Disneyland a few times because we can drive there and it's much less expensive. We wanted to plan a big WDW trip but wanted to make sure both boys would be ready for it. We waited until they were 11 and 8 and everyone had a wonderful time!

If it's feasible for you to go again in the next couple of years, it might be worth it to consider leaving the younger one at home. I wouldn't do it as a punishment, but for the fact that he's not ready to function in that environment. If you can't imagine getting back in 2 or 3 years when he's older and more stable, then I think I would postpone the trip. The 6 year old will have just as much, or even more, fun when he's 8 or 9. Perhaps there are better vacation options for your family right now.

I work with special needs preschool kids, many of whom have some very extreme behaviors like tantrums, running off, hitting, etc. I can't help but look at these kids and imagine what they would be like at a Disney park! Some parents have confided that they would like to go to Disneyland but don't want to spend all their time running after or disciplining their kid. Others have gone, but ended up regretting the decision. You know your child best and only you can decide if you're willing to take the trip with him.

 

[brergnat]

OP, first of all, if your child's behavior is disrupting the family so often, it's time to have him evaluated. You are not a bad mother, so don't listen to these posters saying that it's a discipline issue. It's likely not, especially if you have an OLDER son who you've been able to successfully discipline.

We have that same dynamic in our house. My younger son, now 4, has EXTREME tantrums, rages, meltdowns, etc. This has been going on with a host of other "issues" since he was around 1 year old. He is in the process of being diagnosed/evaluated by a child psychiatrist. He has been receiving services since he was 14 months old and is now in special ed. preschool. I say all this because, to the outsider, my son seems like a complete angel. That is, until he loses control over something so minor most people wouldn't even notice it. Then, it becomes "that child is out of control and it's probably the mother's fault for not setting him straight". Trust me, you don't want to have to deal with that sort of judgment.

Anyway, the point of my post is that we were considering doing just what you are thinking of. However, our son was SO bad that we couldn't even bear to leave him with relatives. So, we decided to wait. We went this past spring right after he turned 4. He did SURPRISINGLY well, although, to be fair, he's been going to Disneyland almost weekly since he was born, so it wasn't a completely new experience for him. The plane trip (cross country) was, though, and that was my biggest fear, and he did really good. Our older son has Autism, and both boys were in great moods all week at WDW and it was actually our OLDER son that did the melting down (and only on one day, so we did good!).

I would think about waiting a couple years, if necessary. You will feel horrible all week because your other son is not there (bad behavior aside, you know you love the little monster) I did recently completely cancel a long weekend I had planned at the Disneyland hotel over my birthday for me and the boys, because my younger one was going through a rough time. I didn't think it would be a very nice "vacation" if I was constantly disciplining my son or having to listen to him scream and meltdown over everything that was out of his control. So, I just cancelled it. Life goes on; we will try again in the future.

Have your son evaluated (it's free through your state's early intervention program) just to make sure that his behavior is "typical age appropriate" behavior, and if it's not, you can get educated on some treatments and techniques that will help you ALL have a happier family life.

Oh, and the number of times one of my children has "ruined" something for his sibling...probably well over 100. I know exactly what you're talking about here.

 

[tlh0726]

Did not read through all of the posts but here is my opinion.

Your youngest is part of the family regardless of his behavior.

First talk to someone and have him evaluated.
Second, you need to set the expectations and consquences for his behavior now and follow through. Each and every time follow through!
You may be surprised by what you can accomplish till February.

good luck!

 

[justhat]

My 4yo is a terror. I would love to take my 6yo on vacation without him. Even if I still brought my youngest along, life is so, so much easier without my son destroying things wherever we are. He's not bad in the sense of tantrums and such, he's just a devil. Constantly breaking something, crashing into people, unknowingly hurting people, yelling, running, so wild, everything a normal 4yo boy does, but way, way amplified.

But, having said that, I can't imagine a family trip without him. Yes, it means that we have to deal with him and all that comes with him, but I'd take that any day over leaving him home.

I am all for 1 kid trips, and can't wait for my baby to be older and weaned so I can take my oldest on a special trip, and then my son. The older ones sacrifice a lot of their younger siblings and I definitely feel they deserve some special alone time with mom/dad or both. Both unless it were that kind of trip, I couldn't do it. I couldn't plan a family trip, then oust my son. I would feel way terrible.

My suggestion would be to take this trip as a family, see how it goes, what works and what doesn't. Then plan a trip for your older son to go alone with you if you feel he was cheated out of a good time. When your little one is older you can do the same for him.

 

[bellebud]

take the trip w/ everyone, and always have a plan of which parent is going to be the one to leave the restaurant/ride/show w/ the 3yo when necessary.

take your character pics early in the day, when everyone's at their best.

If you left the 3yo home now and took the 6yo, are you prepared in 3 years to take the younger one when he's 6yo and leave your then 9yo home? I don't think you'd want to do that.

we (me, dh, dd11 and ds9) split up a lot at disney. girlie princess stuff for us, and boy stuff for them. dh and ds also enjoy vegging out a bit, while dd and I are go-go-go at the parks. so while we don't have the 'behavior' issues (but believe me, we have PLENTY of regular sibling behavior issues!), splitting up a bit works for us anyway.

good luck deciding what to do.